Kyle_dude

I really appreciate everyone's support! You guys are the only people i can talk to about this. I just don't think i'm going to be able to bring it up to my parents because coming from me it would come out as a joke. I never shared anything personal with them, so i don't think i'm going to be able to do it, but i will try. I picked up more hours at work to get myself busy doing something. I thought that maybe that'll somehow ease things up. I appreciate all your comments. I read each one of them several times. I will try to do my best to somehow improve the situation if it's possible.

I honestly don't know where to start. I would have never thought i'd be going through all of this. Always thoght it's going to be someone, but not me. no way. Anyhow, i'm depressed. In fact, i think i'm in the last stages of depression. Not that it's going away, but only getting worse. Nothing i ever do is worth anything or has any value. I don't have friends and the ones i had are now long gone since this whole depression thing started. I guess, afterall, i never had any genuine, true friends. And at this point i am incapable of making any. My personal life is just as miserable as anything else. I stoped dating because all i get out of it is a heartbreak. The woman i loved doesn't care if i live or die. I am told by everyone that i am an attractive guy, but my attitude toward life is so terrible that i have no control over it and thereforeeee it's ruining everything. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have no self-esteem or respect for myself. In my own eyes, i'm a pile of dirt incapable of doing anything but just sit there. Everywhere i go, i feel like everyone is staring at me and i want to leave and go back home. I rarely laugh and always have a "heavy", emotionless face but try to stay in the "happy mood" around my family. I have absolutely nobody to talk. I once told my mother that i have a depression, but she thought i was joking since she never saw me unhappy and i never proved otherwise. I'm 21 and most of the people i graduated with are finishing school and getting their degrees. I've been in college for 3 years and it's just not going anywhere. My program gets updated and changed every semester and i cannot get anything done. I see absolutely no future for myself. I'm afraid of being alone all my life and i'm afraid that's exactly what's going to happen to me. And i am not willing to put up with this any longer. The only way out is to end it. goddamn it, there is a gun right in the table next to me and i have thought about it but when i try to imagine what my parents are going to have to go through...i can't do it. They're the only thing that's stoping me, if not them, i think i'd do it without giving any second thoughts. if any of you are going through the same thing, how do you cope with it?

Okay...I'm going to start from the very beginning. I've met this girl at school at the start of my senior year. I usually saw her at school 1 or 2 times in maybe 2 weeks. I've fallen for her in that very first day i saw her, but haven't made any moves since then. Then i invited her to my birthday party which was like 3 weeks before the graduation. Then her and her friend called me up and invited me to go to the movies with them. So basically, if we ever met, it was in a group of friends. One day i was talking to her on the net... She asked me what i was going to do, i said i will go buy some clothes for myself. She said that she wants to come with me and help. The next day she calls me and tells me that she doesn't feel like going. Then about a week later, i ask her out again, but again she tells me she doesn't feel like going anywhere. Several days later she's telling me that her couzins coming to the city. they're gonna go somewhere and she asks me to come along. lol So it's been like that for a while. Eventually, i called her on independence day and asked her if she wants to go to see the fireworks. So we went. It was me and her alone for the first time ever. I was driving her home and asked her if she has someone. She told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend yet but at the same time she does. Then she said that she doesn't think she's met anyone who she likes and a couple of second later she says that she has. With a corner of my eye, i saw that she glanced at me when she said that. I don't know what to even think guys. For the past 2 months i think about her every 2 minutes. I wake up and go to bed with her on my mind. It's just driving me completely crazy and i don't know if i should make any moves because i don't know what she wants and if she's into me. She's been telling me that i am very sweet and nice guy. Sometimes the way she acts makes me think that she likes me, but then i just think that i am being fooled. Guys, please give me some suggestions. What would you guys do if you were in my position? Thanks in advance.