I am not sure what to do anymore

[renaissancewoman101]

I had thought that moving out to San Diego would help me feel better about myself. It has been almost a month since I moved out here and I am still lonely as all get out. I havent met anybody really or made any new friends. I feel all alone out here except for my best friend who lives in Irvine. I spend a lot of time with him and stay over by him a lot. But now his bf is moving out so I cant spend as much time with them as before. I have no job and little money. I am job hunting but my heart isnt into it. Everything is so expensive around here. I am glad that my parents are close by because they help me financially and I see them when I can.

 

Everybody told me that once I moved out here things would get better and I would be happier and I would forget about the ex. That hasnt turned out to be the case. I am lonely out here. I feel like I cant compete with the people out here. Living in Wisconsin for 15 years has made me forget how shallow and superficial people out here are and how competitive they can be and judgemental. I like to be trendy but I cant compete with the people out here because: 1)I dont make money right now; 2) I am not used to this kind of lifestyle; 3) I feel intimidated by everything. Now I am starting to realize how my ex felt around me since I do like being a yuppie but only at certain points. I dont do a lot out here except hang out in my apartment, visit my best friend and hang out with him, hang with my parents on occasion, and I shop and eat out a lot.

 

I miss my ex a lot. I didnt miss him at first, when I moved out here, but now I miss him a lot now. I think about him a lot. I think about my friends I left behind there. I miss my life there.

 

I am seriously thinking of going out to Chicago to visit the mutual friend this upcoming weekend. I miss her and I miss being around famaliar people. She has been good to me. I have talked to her a few times and she sent me a really nice care package after I told her that I got most of my stuff stolen out of my car.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I made a mistake moving out here. I feel like a fish out of water. Most of all, I really miss the ex a lot. No, I have not tried to make contact with him. I am not sure what to do about him. Part of me wants to call him up since he still owes me money and talk to him about how he is going to pay me back, and I want to tell him I made a mistake moving out here, I miss him, and I want a second chance. I also want to tell him I am divorcing my husband and getting rid of that situation (that is another situation to deal with, I may end up divorcing my husband because of the situation between him and his bf and I am tired of the whole situation). My ex's mother told me the ex still had feelings for me and if I divorced my husband, there was a BIG change my ex could come back to me. Now, I want to see if that is the case and I am willing to sacrifice my husband.

 

I dont know what to do. I want to be happy and I thought moving out here would make me happy. It hasnt

[calgaryguy]

Hi!!

 

I know how you feel

 

Karl.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel alone out there. You're dealing with the breakup AND the stress of moving somewhere new. That's really hard. I've moved several times in my life and I know how adjusting to a new place and making friends can be intimidating even when you're feeling great about yourself.

 

I would say you should first make sure you really get over the breakup and try to feel good about yourself. Then maybe you can try to go out and do different things to meet people. I hope you start to feel better. Best of luck.

[Dako]

Sorry you're having a hard time and got cleaned out in Irvine. I never considered Irvine a crime area. I live in the SD area.

What part of San Diego are you in? Some of the housing tracts are pretty sterile places, but the beach and bay areas are good places to meet people. Have you checked out the Reader for activities? It's a good source of info on area events.

I'm in the same boat, trying to start over and meet people, but I've been here a long time. If you're looking for anything in town, let me know. I might be able to help or know somebody who might.

 

If you just want to chat or anything, PM me.

I'm absolutely harmless.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hi Dako, I live in downtown San Diego in the Cortez Hill neighborhood (not sure if you heard of that). I live very close to the Gaslamp district. How long have you been here? Where did you come from? I grew up in LA, then I moved to Wisconsin to go to college and I stayed out there 15 years. Had a decent apartment and a decent job but I decided to move back to CA because my best friend moved out here and I followed him. Also, my bf broke up with me in early Sept and I have never been the same since, so I also moved out here for a change of scenery and to forget about him.

 

No, I havent checked out the Reader. I have been mostly in the Irvine area this last month hanging out with my best friend. My best friend's bf just moved out here so I wont be spending that much time with my best friend now.

 

I need to get out, meet people, have some fun, and find a new job. I am so unmotivated about finding a new job.

 

I miss my ex a lot and want to get in contact with him again. He knows I moved out here and he was surprised I did that.

[Lady Bugg]

RW....

 

Your last post said it all.....

 

You need to get out, meet people, find a job and forget your ex. You ARE on the right track, you just need to stop looking backward. There is nothing there for you...your future is straight ahead. Keep looking forward

[renaissancewoman101]

I know i need to look forward. It is hard to do because I feel lonely out here and I have no friends out here except for my best friend. I do miss my life out in Wisconsin and I miss my friends. I am having a hard time finding a job out here and when I am lonely, I spend most of my time in my apartment or out shopping or eating out, which is not good for me.

[Lady Bugg]

RW?

 

What line of work are you in? Just curious...

[renaissancewoman101]

I used to be a technical writer. At least that is what I did when I was living in Milwaukee. The company I worked for was a bit outdated and used a lot of outdated software, so I am not sure if I am that up to par with stuff out here. I miss my life out in Milwaukee. It was simple back there.

[Dako]

RW,

 

I've been a technical illustrator most of my life, doing manuals and catalogs for aircraft, automotive and electronics. These days it's more graphic arts and stuff.

I found my current job through a temp agency and became a direct employee after a few years. I'm sure you can find a gig if you try.

BTW all software is outdated!

 

I grew up a few miles from where you are, in North Park, and went to HS downtown. I've been here since 1957, and watched the first tall building go up down there as a kid. 20 floors! Whooo!

 

It's not cheap here, but it has some charms. After all, this terrible cold snap we're in won't last forever.

 

PM me if I can help.

[renaissancewoman101]

Cool, you do something very similar to what I do, although I did not do illustration for manuals. What I did was update technical manuals for navigational equipment on planes. Did you have an engineering or technical degree? I have a degree in English and History but my best friend used to work at the engineering firm and he helped me get in there then I stayed there until my best friend moved out to LA this past year. Now I am here and I really need to get serious about finding a job. Part of me is scared to find a new job, work with new people, and part of me is afraid of rejection.

[Dako]

I have a degree in nothing at all. I worked on avionics for General Dynamics, and worked on F16, B1 and cruise missle systems, and freelanced for General Atomic and lots of other stuff. Mostly doing expoded views, instructional diagrams schematics, presentations etc.

I worked on the french Dassault Falcon catalogs, White trucks, lots of silly things.

[blues_belter]

It may be lonely for a while- but this is a brand new start for you. Moving somewhere else doesn't mean problems go away, and in a brand new place with no close friends and job uncertainty- it can be rough on you. I've been there too! I have a lot of respect for people who can pick up and move accross the country. It shows a type of boldness and a willingness to get outside the comfort zone. I respect you for it- try to do whatever you can to further yourself and your career. Once you do, you are bound to meet similar like-minded professionals who share your interests (friends and possibly more)

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, it is hard to just up and move away, although I grew up here in CA so moving here is akin to moving home. Although I havent lived IN CA in almost 15 years. I forgot how fast-paced life is out here and that scares me sometimes because I am kind of used to my life out in Wisconsin. I just need to get my life in order and find a job and make some friends.

 

It doesnt help that I am still attached to the mutual friend back in Chicago. I miss her a lot and I wanted to visit her this weekend. Earlier this weekend I told her that I was coming out to see her on the weekend but now that doesnt look possible. I called her tonight and told her and she said it was ok and that she didnt want me to come to see her if money was tight. But I feel I let her down and I feel like a cad about things. I am not happy out here. I miss the ex a lot and I am starting to have feelings of wanting to get back together with him.

 

Right now I am seriously thinking about writing him a letter and telling him that I miss him and that it was a mistake for me to move out here because I am not happy out here. I want to tell him that I am coming back to Wisconsin to file divorce papers against my husband and that I am moving back to Chicago soon. His mom once told me if I got the divorce there was a chance. I want to throw that line out and if he does bite, then all bets are off, and I will move back to Chicago. I rather have something safe and that cared about me, yet he was not my type and we had little in common, than be here and have NO ONE.

[Lady Bugg]

RW...

 

You writing the ex a letter saying you want to get back together is pointless if he doesn't feel the same way. Why set yourself up for yet one MORE disappointment? You haven't even given yourself a chance in San Diego yet!!! You haven't even found a job yet..or friends. Of COURSE you're lonely right now...but that will pass. I notice you talk about feeling "attached' to people...whether it's your best friend, or your friend in Chicago. Is this an issue in your life? Perhaps being alone is what you NEED right now. It makes you grow as a person...and allows you to only depend on YOU. Stop looking for other people to fill that void within you....otherwise you will ALWAYS feel empty, regardless of your geographic location. It's time to start focusing on YOU and only YOU. Your "friends" know where you are if they want to find you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I do have attachment issues. I get attached to people and it is hard for me to let go. That is why I have a hard time moving on with my life. It was very hard for me to let everything go back out in Wisconsin and move out to San Diego even though my best friend is here, my parents are here and I grew up in CA. Still, I feel like a fish out of water and now I want to move back out to Wisconsin. I am attached to my best friend, that is why I originally moved out here. I dont do well when I dont have him around and he depends on me too. He calls me all the time to chat and he likes it when I come up to visit him, and I help him with stuff. I am not that happy that his bf moved here to be with him since now I wont see him a lot anymore and I will be lonely again. I havent really spent a full week down in San Diego (or even a full weekend) because I run home once a week and every few days I run up to Irvine to see my best friend and stay over by him.

 

As for the ex, I do miss him a lot and a while back, I posted that his mom had called me to tell me to still keep hope alive but to keep in touch with them and if I got my life back together by divorcing my husband/best friend, then I could get the ex back. That is what I was thinking of doing writing a letter tell the ex that I WAS STARTING divorce proceedings and am thinking of transferring to Chicago since I am not happy here and seeing what comes out of it, and sending him a small belated bday gift. I know he still he has new gf, but he must still have some feelings for me. We were together for almost two years and he told me that my attachment to my best friend and what I did with my best friend (marriage etc) was what killed our relationship, along with my loss of interest in him.

 

I realize that I made a mistake and it is eating me alive out here right now. I miss the hell out of him and want him back so bad. I know you guys think I am nuts. I am not.

 

Now I also feel like a cad because earlier this week I told the mutual friend that I was coming out to Chicago to visit her but now I cant because my money is running low. I called her last night to let her know and I think she is disappointed by me. I dont want to lose her friendship. She means a lot to me. Besides, she is my one and only link to my ex, besides his mother (whom I dont want to get involved with). Am I a cad? I am thinking of making up a CARE package to send to the mutual friend along with something that she wants and I have.

[Lady Bugg]

Why are you going to manipulate the situation? Sending a care package to a "mutual" friend of the ex'es? In exchange for what? Their help in getting the ex back?

don't think you're "crazy" but I DO think you are not using common sense. You know it's in your best interest to leave this alone, and move on, but you are looking for reasons to NOT be happy...an to move backward. I am sorry but I think you're making WAY more trouble for yourself by thinking this way. That's MY opinion.

[renaissancewoman101]

I have told you about the mutual friend. She and I are still friends despite the breakup with my ex. After our breakup, I rekindled the friendship with the mutual friend because I was lonely and because I wanted advice on how to get the ex back. Despite me not getting the ex back, I am still friends with the mutual friend and want to stay friends with her so I can have a place to crash and a friend to hang with when I do go back out there to visit. I just felt bad that I told her that I was coming to visit her earlier in the week and now I am going back on my word because the ticket is too expensive and the expenses would be high. I dont want to lose her friendship over my faux pas. She doesnt see the ex a lot anymore because she stopped being friends with him and got her son to stop being friends with him because of my ex's drinking and because he broke up with me. I still want some ties back to the past right now because it is comfortable.

 

I am moving on because I am staying out here and not going back to visit. I miss the ex and have not tried to contact him. I am trying to think of something that I could do to reawaken his feelings for me, although I am not sure what. What his mother told me in Dec about me divorcing my husband/best friend, I may throw out into the pot because that could be the lynchpin that gets my ex back. He could never understand why I was so attached to my best friend and why I married him and stayed married to him. That was a big part of what did us in. Although he said he lost his feeligns for me again. I dont think he would have lost his feelings for me if I hadnt treated him so badly in the last few months leading to the end of the relationship. I am not blaming him for the end of the relationship. I know the way I treated him had a BIG part in causing the end of our relationship and I regret it terribly. I have left him alone since the end of Dec when we went out for the last time before I left. I dont think he would have forgotten about me. I was the second long term relationship he had.

[NotMyself]

I have been reading your posts for awhile...

 

You need to try to move on. Stop all this nonsense about rekindling his feelings, etc. It's not going to work.

 

You need to take a look at yourself and realize what is wrong with you that you still want this person. I understand you love him, but if he doesn't want you, you must move on and pick up the pieces of your life.

 

Stop trying to fix the situation. You cannot save him from himself.

[DN]

I think you should give your new place a chance. Keep plugging away at getting a good job, join some local group that you have an interest in and make an effort to meet new people. Not necessarily with a romantic relationship in mind but as friendships with both men and women. Stop looking backwards and look forward to a better life. You have moved location but your head is still in the same place it was before you moved.