Does this make any sense?

[hellokittykitty]

I met a guy in July - we hit it off. It was very funny they way we met, I honestly feel like it was ment to be. My father had passed away 1 month prior, I absolutly did not want to go out but my friend harassed me until I agreed to go out. I did and I met him. He was the DD for his friends that night. They all left and he decided to stay, he doesn't even know why. He just decided he wanted to. We ended up talking, and then I gave him my number. Long story short we clicked, ended up dating and had an amazing relationship, both as friends and lovers. I honestly feel this was supposed to happen and we met for a reason. I've never felt anything like this for anyone.

 

About 1 month or so a go he changed. He has a really busy life, 2 full time jobs, a sick family member who he has to care for etc. plus his family life is not the best. About a month ago he started saying things like his life was lacking something, he started to get moody and he stopped spending time with me and a lot of his friends. We've always had good communication but he won't open up, he says he's too busy and he doesn't want a relationship because it's "just one more person he has to worry about"... sometimes he does try hard to be with me but most of the time it's all me. I feel so distant from him and I hate feeling that way.

 

Friday we got in a fight, I told him I felt used by him, he was so hurt that I said that and he was devastated. He told me he ment everything he ever said and did and did not agree that I was used.

 

Yesterday he called and this is what he said... does this make sense? anyone else have this?

 

"Before you say anything or before your mind starts to wander let me just say this to you, Your not going to loose me, I am going to be here for you. I just cant be in a relationship with you or anyone right now because I need to sort my life out. It's not fair to keep you along when I don't know how long this is going to take. I still have feelings for you, I still care about you, I just can't be there in that way right now. I want to keep getting to know you, I want to keep spending time with you, I just want to do it on a more low key level, where we don't have the expectations of a relationship because I cann't be there in that way for you right now. I want you to continue to hang out with my friends and I hang out with yours. I hope I am explaning myself to you. We can still call, text e-mail and hang out as much as we want, I just want you to understand that it can't be what you want right now. I don't want to lose our communication and what we have so far, but that being said I don't want you to just be friends with me because you think were getting back together. I'm not saying we will or won't get back together but at the very, very least we will be good friends. Then he proceeded to make plans with me for later this week and next weekend... this all started over a fight that I started last Thursday... what the hell is going on??

[annie24]

I think it's not fair what he's saying to you. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend right now, but wants to keep his options open in the future. Blah. Yuck. He sounds confused, but I don't think it's fair of him to confuse you in the process.

 

If you want him to stay your boyfriend, then tell him that you won't accept this "casual arrangement" and that he needs to figure out what he wants.

 

In the meantime, don't date him if you really aren't together with him anymore!!! It's just too confusing.

 

Honestly, what he said seems like a breakup to me, but he's too chicken poop to say it out loud. He wants to hang out with you but without being responsible for your feelings. blah.

 

I don't know sweetie.... I think you should do no contact until he gets himself together. don't wait around for him.

[ocrob]

That is a hard one. How long were you in a committed relationship? For the first time in my life, I can relate with what he is saying. I am kind of dating someone who wants a lot more and I just can't give it right now. I have told her this from the beginning, which may make my situation different. It does sound like this guy is under a lot of pressure with work and family problems. Maybe you could just give him a little space. I hate feeling pressured by a woman and don't like when that get mad at me for not wanting to hang out. He sounds like an honest and nice guy. Maybe you should just tone things down and I would recommend not having sex with him unless you really enjoy it and it suits you.

[Scout]

My take is he genuinely cares for you, probably still loves you romantically, but the feeling of being overwhelmed by many different things is overshadowing his feelings for you right now.

 

The best thing you can do is sort of give him what he wants, but not everything. By that, I mean gracefully let him exit the relationship for now. Let him know the door to freedom is wide open and you'll pleasantly usher him out! However - you are not prepared to change the gears on your relationship so fast. Unfortunately, this means you need some time to yourself to process this sudden change and to find out if you can indeed, be just "friends."

 

And then go into No Contact mode. Seriously. He will be calling you within a week, two weeks at the most. Not necessarily to get back together, but to see if he can again have you on his terms, with no exclusive arrangement in place. Do not fall into the "just friends" trap. It's almost impossible to extricate yourself from it once you're in there.

It sounds to me like you and this guy really were compatible, but both of you put a lot of pressure on the relationship, and when you hit some rough spots, the fighting that ensued freaked him out. Ok, so now you have to unfreak him out, and the way to do that is to give him the freedom he *thinks* he wants.

 

Now, after a couple of weeks when he calls to ask you again to still be friends...and he will call, I almost guarantee it...you should tell him: "I gave this some thought, and please know that I do care about you very much. However, if I didn't make your life better as your girlfriend, I'm not sure how great a friend I would be for you. Perhaps I need to work on some things about myself so that being in a relationship with me is less stressful on my partner. I'm afraid I will feel too weird going from boyfriend and girlfriend to just friends in such a short timespan, and we'll probably end up fighting again. Of course, if you ever need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to pick up the phone, but for now if you don't mind, I think I'm going to reconnect with friends and family and get back on track with my life."

 

I can almost predict that this will result in some serious second-guessing on his part on the wisdom of ending your romantic relationship. And he'll start making some comments and overtures to that effect!

 

In the meantime, post away on eNotalone...it will help you get through the moments of weakness where you want to be his "Friend" just so you can see him. But I'm telling you, that's almost like walking into quick sand.

[DN]

I mostly agree with Scout on this one although I would hesitate to give guarantees. I think I understand where he is coming from and he does seem to be trying to be honest.

 

But Annie is also sort of right in that it is not fair to you if what he wants is not what you want.

 

Remember you don't have to go along with anything you don't want to do. If you feel you should just walk away from him then that would be OK as well.

[hellokittykitty]

I wish I could do what your telling me but I have such a weakness. Maybe I am a fool but I still feel in my heart this will work out for us. I can't explain it, I just feel that it will. We were together for 6 months. Honestly if I hadn't started the fight I don't think it would have come to this. He is known for making rash decisions and "reacting" instead of listening and then thinking before he reacts. He is a nice guy, maybe he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has, I don't know but there is so much more I wanted to say to him but now I don't know if I should. We are both 28 years old, were not kids but we haven't dated very many people. We haven't been having sex for a while because we both kind of feel that at a time in our relationship it was expected not valued. Anyway, too much info... I am so miserable and heartbroken I don't know what to think and I am more confused than ever.

[DN]

What else did you want to say to him that he doesn't already know?

[hellokittykitty]

I wanted to tell him why I felt he used me - he promised me he would always be honest regardless if it was good or bad... when we were fighting he said a lot of mean things, as did I... I apologised he doesn't see that he did anything wrong... I want him to know the hurt he's caused! If we are to move on he needs to know.

[PrincessLinzay]

I also agree that it sounds as though this guy genuinely does care for you, but my take on it is that he wants to maintain all the benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibility.

 

There are absolutely times in our lives where we feel completely overwhelmed. But when you're in a relationship, I would like to think that you share these things with your partner, the good and the bad. What he's asking of you is not fair.

[Scout]

I wish I could do what your telling me but I have such a weakness. Maybe I am a fool but I still feel in my heart this will work out for us. I can't explain it, I just feel that it will.

 

I honestly feel there is a real chance for you to reconcile, too - more so, in fact, than I typically see here on the boards. However, I think your chances of getting back together greatly hinge on your ability to prove to him that your relationship enhances his life, not restricts it. And the best way to show that is to give him the freedom he thinks he wants right now. As much as he cares about you, he is still in a negative place regarding your relationship - he thinks he wants out of the responsibility of it. You have to carefully navigate through the next few weeks, even months possibly, because your relationship with him is dangerously close to permanently breaking up. However, you have a chance many people don't have: he is not 100% done with things and not 100% sure he really wants to it to be over. I can tell that just by what you've shared with us. However, if you act on your emotions right now, you're probably going to create a stressful sitation that makes him make up his mind once and for all. As another poster on another thread once said, if you don't do anything, you can't screw anything up. So right now - don't do anything. Don't call him, don't immediately agree to be just friends.

 

Honestly if I hadn't started the fight I don't think it would have come to this. He is known for making rash decisions and "reacting" instead of listening and then thinking before he reacts.

 

Well, if you two eventually get back together, these are two issues that are going to have to be dealt with before you do. You can't go through a relationship thinking every time you fight you're going to get dumped. Of course, if you two can work on the issues that cause conflict, you'll fight less. You can also work together to figure out how to deal with conflict when it arises. Of course, this is all down the road when talk comes up (initiated by HIM) of you two reconciling.

 

Hang in there. You've got a rough road ahead, but there's honestly real reason to hope. You simply have to play your cards right, so to speak, and it's going to call for monumental will power and patience on your part that these tactics will eventually work. The problems that led to your break up didn't happen overnight - and neither will a genuine reconcilation.

[DN]

I wanted to tell him why I felt he used me - he promised me he would always be honest regardless if it was good or bad... when we were fighting he said a lot of mean things, as did I... I apologised he doesn't see that he did anything wrong... I want him to know the hurt he's caused! If we are to move on he needs to know.

 

I would be very surprised if he does not know that already and it is seldom useful to tell people what they already know. If you want to get back together with him I suggest you resist the temptation to lay a guilt trip on him - I doubt that it would help matters at all.

 

The time to discuss the best way to manage a relationship is if and when you begin the process of getting the relationship back on track. If you say anything now it is less likely that he will want to do that.

[Scout]

The time to discuss the best way to manage a relationship is if and when you begin the process of getting the relationship back on track. If you say anything now it is less likely that he will want to do that.

 

Yes, please take this statement to heart. It's so true.

[hellokittykitty]

Thanks everyone. I suppose when you point the finger at someone you need to realize that there are 3 fingers pointing back at you... not that this is my fault but I do see I put a lot of added pressure on him that he didn't need.

[tomservo]

Yes, I have to agree. I tried the guilt thing in my situation and, of course, it didn't work. No one wants to feel guilted or pressured into being with someone else.

[hellokittykitty]

It's day 3 and I am feverishly trying to keep myself busy... I accidently made contact today ... I sent a mass e-mail out to everyone in my e-mail address book and his was included.

 

I have thought a lot about our last conversation and I do want to stay a part of his life. He told me he doesn't want to lose what we have, he wants to keep spending time with me and keep getting to know me. His last words were he'll call me when he can and we'll get together... he seemed sincere... I am planning on calling him Thursday... by then it will have been 4 days on NC, knowing him he is probably expecting me to have called or texted by now.

 

I know your all gonna say don't do it, but I have a sense of calmness about it and I am okay with calling... because he said he wants to keep spending time together and he wants me to continue hanging out with his friends and he with my friends and doesn't want to lose what we have.... is it bad if I break NC?.... if I don't I am thinking that he will assume I don't want anything to do with him. I once old him that I wouldn't be friends with an EX... but since he made himself clear about staying in contact is that wrong??

[Scout]

He told me he doesn't want to lose what we have, he wants to keep spending time with me and keep getting to know me. His last words were he'll call me when he can and we'll get together... he seemed sincere... I am planning on calling him Thursday

 

Well, let me just gently point something out here. He said he would call you when he can. By not waiting for that, again, your call to him might be misconstrued by him as putting pressure on things. In an earlier post, you expressed some concern that you might have put pressure on the relationship.

 

I would honestly suggest you try to relinquish needing to control contact between the two of you, for a little while longer. In the long run, it may be what shows him that you are not a source of pressure in his life. I do think that guys can get a little more freaked out by multiple responsibilities in their lives and have a tendency to make rash decisions (as you pointed out about your boyfriend in another post) as a knee-jerk reaction to that.

 

They can also realize they might not have made a good decision, but they have to feel they come to this realization on their own. Again, I would recommend you step back for now and let him do the initiating. And I truly believe he will. At that time, you can assess whether you feel comfortable with being friends with him or not.

[hellokittykitty]

I can see what your saying Scout... but a question... don't you think that he may not really want to be the first one to break NC because if he does he might think I might misconstru him and think that he wants to get back together? that way it's me not him and he can't be blamed later on... maybe he's waiting for me?... or maybe he doesn't care about me...IM SO CONFUSED!!!

[ginger25]

I would definitely take Scout's advice. I have had a similar thing said to me before and by the sounds of it he is stressed and needs some space. He doesn't want you out of his life completely but he can't promise that you can go back to having a relationship. Some time apart will help him to work out what he really wants.

[Scout]

hellokitty, I know you're stressed and probably mulling over every possible thought he could be having...but I still say, don't call. He said he'd call you. You said he seemed sincere about wanting to stay in touch with you. Let him prove it. Otherwise, if you make that call - you'll never know if he wanted to really keep you in his life or not. The only way you'll know that for sure is to wait and see if he calls.

 

I personally think he will, but it might not be for several more days, maybe another week, maybe two weeks. Give him the space he has asked for. This will PROVE to him that you, a) can live without him which will ruffle his ego a bit, b) show him you are NOT a source of pressure in his life and maybe he was wrong about you being so, and c) help you learn to relinquish the need to control situations where you don't really have control. This will build your inner strength, trust me.

 

It's up to you whether or not you can will yourself to sit back and do nothing, but I can tell you that I've been coming to these boards for two years and have seen how these situations unfold over and over again. 99% of the time, if the person who was broken up with is the first to call they end up feeling rejected again somehow when they talk to their ex. 99% of the time when they go on with their life, the ex calls them.

 

Also, based on my own previous relationships, this has happened.

[Scout]

I can see what your saying Scout... but a question... don't you think that he may not really want to be the first one to break NC because if he does he might think I might misconstru him and think that he wants to get back together? that way it's me not him and he can't be blamed later on... maybe he's waiting for me?... or maybe he doesn't care about me...IM SO CONFUSED!!!

 

Oh, and just to address your question specifically...yeah, that thought could occur to him, I suppose. But I can almost promise you that his curiosity will get the best of him anyway when he hasn't heard from you, and he'll call you. Like he said he would.

[hellokittykitty]

I did it Scout, I broke NC... I called - he never answered, I am sure it was on purpose. He hasn't called back.

 

Now I guess I know for sure he wasn't being sincere. Which your all right I feel worse than ever.

 

I honestly thought he was being sincere. Now I am angry that he didn't just end it. Why did he have to say all those things about still having feelings for me, caring about me and wanting me to still spend time with him. He actually said he wanted me to still spend time with him and his friends. I feel like such a bloody idiot.

[Scout]

Hey, hey...let's take a deep breath here and get ourselves calmed down a bit. You poor thing, you are in a jumble of emotions right now and I completely understand.

 

Unfortunately, being in a highly emotional state will prevent you from seeing the more objective picture. You have just made some pretty serious conclusions about this guy's intentions, feelings, and sincerity based on the fact he didn't answer your call and hasn't called you back yet.

 

That is a very extreme conclusion.

 

I'm starting to pick up that you might not be the world's most patient person, lol can relate. I struggle with that myself. But you simply must learn to get that under control because impatience breeds frustration which breeds impulsive actions that rarely serve us well.

 

Just be patient. He'll call you back. It might not be for a while, but he will. And get back to getting busy with other things. And also - I would suggest you re-read this entire thread a couple of times and see if you start to pick up on some things. There is some very astute advice being given to you by other posters here, and I hope you aren't missing any of it. In the long run, it could really help you with how you are perceiving and understanding things.