do I stay married or divorce for boyfriend?

[jennyblue]

Here is my situation:

I have been married for 14 years this April. My husband was always gone doing his hobby (Race Car Driver) -his hobby took up much time & $$--He would go to work at 7:30 in the morning & not return home until sometimes 12am or 1 in the morning or later. We have a 12 year old daughter. A lot of the time my daughter & I would have to call him just to say goodnight. This hobby was not cheap--It took a ton of money for him to do this. I really didn't care so much about the money, but more about the time. I would call him numerous times in the evening & ask how long til he came home & he would always say "In just a little while"--then like 5 hrs. later he would finally show. It seemed like when he was home he just made me feel guilty for being home. We had other issues on top of all that too. He likes porn as well as anal sex--I do not like either. Sometimes he would try to force the sex part on me, even if I was crying and asking him to stop, he would proceed.

Well, I met someone at work who was going through a bad marriage as well. We began to have an affair. That was 10mos. ago. He has since got divorced. I began divorce proceedings myself. My husband now knows of the affair. He is desperate to save our marriage & has began to sell all of his racing stuff. He has been coming home every night & has changed so much. Now, I fear it is too late for me to go back to him. I feel like I really love this OM & he is desperate to be w/ me as well. The horrible part is my 12 yr. old daughter is threatening to kill herself & acts as if she hates me now. I love how the OM makes me feel though, it's like our personalities fit so perfectly. What do I do. I feel so pressured by the OM to not go home ever again unless it is to get my things, but my daughter is there & then I want to stay for her. I miss her so much. (I have my own apt. but go home sometimes.) I feel like my mind is so bogged down. I have went to counceling but still feel so confused. What do I do--I need help so very badly!!!!

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you'll find it helpful.

 

Your past with your husband would show you what the future holds if you stay with him. He sounds pretty self-centered. If he forced sex on you, that's rape, no matter how look at it. That's sick! Staying with him for your daughter's sake makes no sense at all if he's abusing you.

If he gives up his racing career for you, will he resent it?

 

If this new guy gives you what you need, you don't have to move in with him right away. Give yourself time to be yourself first. Maybe you should live as a single woman and make choices without pressure. You could separate from your husband and gain time to think.

 

You have at least three options.

[mystic angel]

i think you need to think things though and make sure you are doing what is right for you and your daughter

[Shadows Light]

Dako's right.. forcing sex on your, married not is abuse. Pretty selfish.

Not spending time with the family due to his hobby. Selfish.

 

And now he's going to change the color of his feathers because he see's the light???

 

He may resent you for it.

 

YOUR DAUGHTER... HOLD THE BUS HERE!!!!!!!

 

HELLO.. HELLO.. HELLO.. HELLO...

 

She's threatening suicide.... SHE NEEDS IN COUNSELING!!! she nees to be talking to someone. Now.. right away....

 

And HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO....

 

YOU WERE THE PRIMARY CARE GIVER all those years that HUBBY was out playing with his TOY's. Guess what... she feels like you abandoned her. She doesn't really know this man, her father.. he wasn't home that much by your write up.. and you left her there!!!!!!

 

Either you go home or she comes with you.

 

Couldn't your husband leave the house???? go live in an appartment????

And you go home with your daughter.. where she feels safe and secure????

 

SHE needs to go talk to a counselor.. NOW.

 

THE OTHER MAN..

 

Tell him to cool his JETS a minute. You've got bigger fish to fry.

You need to take care of your daughter moemenarily... he can either be supportive and be there when YOU can. Or he can go fly a kite. I'd put husband in that catagory as well.. he's had 14 years at this..and he struck out.

 

your kid needs attention lady...

 

 

I wouldn't give in to anyones demands on suicides... thats EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL....when anyone makes a thread. It should be taken seriously... when a child makes it..it needs to be dealt with. Number one..you need to get to the bottom of how to help her. Number Two.. if she's using it as leverge.. she needs to know thats not right. Its not going to get her what she wants all the time.

 

Get her into conseling.

[HaloDestroyer]

Your husband has obviously seen the error of his ways, and is prepared to change to your demands.

 

Come on, do you really want to be like those broken families we all hear about on T.V.? Trisha, anyone?

 

It's not worth it. He knows you've had the affair, and is prepared to take you back, after all that. That is a second chance most women never get.

 

Your daughter deserves none of this.

 

In my honest opinion, I suggest you cease all contact with this Other Man, and return to your family at once.

[Dako]

I disagree. If my sister were raped, I'd expect justice.

[HaloDestroyer]

You WOULD disagree, though, wouldn't you ;-)

 

Seriously though. The husband in this case has shown significant improvement. It would be unwise not to at least give him a trial period. If he falls out of line a second time, then you could consider action.

 

It's the only logical thing to do.

[jennyblue]

I have tried to get daughter to go to counceling, she hatefully refuses. She is in the house w/ him because he refused to move out-( I asked-a lot!!) She likes the house-she is 12-that is where her room is, & the computer & she likes having a nice home w/ all of her things--my apt. is not that great, husband refuses to give me any furniture & my income is not as great as his.

[Relationship Coach]

HD,

I think you are missing the point here, he abused her and raped her. Her affair is not justifiable based on this but the best place for her is away from this creep. No man has the right to force any form of sex on his wife. The daughter has issues because she doesn't know what her father has done to the mother. The daughter needs counseling and probably should not be left with the father, he is a sexual abuser. The wife should have filed charges on her husband for rape and then she would have adequate documentation for custody of the daughter. She needs to put the OM on hold until the divorce is finalized and decide if she wants to be in a committed relationship that started out as an affair. Lots of bad karma floating around here. Let the courts decide who gets what and who gets to live where. The daughter should do as she is told at the age of 12 it's not up to her if she wants to see a counselor.

[HaloDestroyer]

RC,

 

Did you miss the part of my post where I said it was my honest OPINION?

 

I, for the best part, have very high, traditional, and generally archaic standards. I do not either condone or believe in either infidelity, or rape.

 

From JB's description of her husband, we can assume it was clear-cut rape. She asked him to stop, and he continued. This is unacceptable in a civilised relationship.

 

However, the poster has been unfaithful. This is also unacceptable in a civilised relationship.

 

In my honest *opinion*, I believe the poster should take her husbands apparent reform as a positive sign, and look to whether she can carry on the relationship or not. If she has feelings for this other man, they need to be totally eradicated for the marriage to continue to function.

 

As for the daughter, it is imperative that she is not subjected to anymore complex emotional trauma than necessary.

[Shadows Light]

From someone who "has" been in a long term relationship, and has walked in the posters shoes. Rape is rape.

 

I said NO to my husband. And he raped me. He then said "Look what YOU made me do".. he deny's it was rape.

 

My husband also had extracurricular activities that took him away from the home. He put those ahead of me. He put those ahead of the family.

 

This man did put himself before the family for 14 years. Do you think its just a matter of not being home and rape???? Who took care of the yard work/housework/childcare/paying the bills/laundry/shopping/doctors visits/staying up with a sick child in the middle of the night???

 

Place some bets??? She probably did. Did she feel resentful? Lonely?

Probably. Did she in 14 years try to 'fix it' in a myriad of ways? Probably. Was this the first blow up? probably not.

 

Staying in it for 14 years tells me she tried to put her time and all into it.

She'd probably had this conversation out with him many many times.

 

But now.. that she hit him over the head with a 2 x 4 he decideds to wake up and smell the coffee because she's walking tall and carrying a big stick for a change. He now knows she means business. So now... since he's feeling all forgiving of her "AFFAIR" and being a good boy. She should just "FORGET" all the years of pent of frustration, anger and lonliness that caused her to forgo her wedding vows.. and find love with someone anyone who was paying attention.

 

Not. I know where your coming from Poster.. and you didn't make this decision on a whim. It didn't just dawn on you one morning... ohhhh i think i have nothing better to do .. I'm going to have an affair. You felt wounded, unloved... and alone. You found comfort. It may have been wrong. But thats what we have today.

 

Thanks for clarifying the situation with the daughter. Thats what I figured. I too wanted to stay in the marital home so that my kids would feel safe and not have an upheaval. I understand why you left. And your daughter truly must feel more comfortable with you than her dad.

 

I didn't say that she didn't love her dad. But you were her primary care giver. And now you arn't there. Her world is upside down. Your husband really is a selfish sob.

 

Well.. you have to do a few things lady. You have some decisions to make. Either take a dump or get off the pot. Forward or back.

 

Is that where we are at?????

 

Your daughter doesn't have much choice as far as counseling. If she has threatened suicide.... you know you can hospitalize her?? or the choice can be taken out of your hands should her school catch wind?

 

Go to her pede.. or go to a couselor. And seek advice on how to bring her in. Your husband doesn't sound like he's helping here. I'd say go to family counseling.. just to figure out how to "live" appart. Your husband/your situation is separate issue. Getting back together with him... because (a) your daughter is blackmailing won't work. (b) because he's blackmailing won't work. YOU are being held emotionally hostage.

 

Staying in a relationship where YOU are going to be unhappy is also not good for your daughter.

 

And this is NOT a good situation for you to be in. Had you NOT had the affair and left him... you'd have had the SAME dilema. SO.. I'm not even count OM into the equation.

 

YOU go get help. and YOU go find help for your daughter. GO ask for LEGAL advice... just ask for it so you know what your options are.

[Relationship Coach]

Well said Shadows, it's unfortunate that sometimes those without first hand knowledge fail to see the real message. Her husband is not reformed, he's just on good behavior for now. Reforming someone from those types of behavior takes years of therapy. He did not get like that over night, so he won"t change overnight. Everyone can certainly give their own opinion here, it is certainly welcomed whether it is right or wrong. It is all to help the poster whom started the thread.

 

RC

[novaseeker]

1. You should not make any decision here or there based on your relationship with the OM. Leaving a marriage for another relationship is dicey .. most of the time the other relationship fails. Doesn't mean it will happen in your case, but it does mean that you should cool it with the OM while you are figuring out what to do with your marriage.

 

2. You should realize that it's unlikely that your husband would make such sweeping changes to his life unless he were frightened of things changing. The trouble is, often these kind of fast changes are not sustainable, and there's a good risk he would revert his old ways if you returned to try to work on the marriage. If you were to go that route, you should do it with a lot of counseling and therapy.

 

3. As for your daughter, I agree with the others about counseling. You can make her go at her age. Her reaction is not uncommon in these situations. But nevertheless you need to make sure she gets the support she needs, whether she realizes that or not.

 

4. You should see a lawyer. There are many things you could do relating to getting your share of the furniture and such for your new place, getting spousal support, getting your daughter moved out of the house and getting child support etc. The fact that you are having an affair will not be helpful for you in some of these areas, that's true, but you should speak with a lawyer about what you are entitled to, even given these facts.

[Shadows Light]

Novaseeker....

 

Well written. You've broken what I've said more succinctly than I did.

[Scout]

By threatening suicide, your daughter is giving you a serious cry for help, even if she seems to be pushing you away. She is 12 years old and not in a position to refuse counseling for such a serious concern. Make her go.