Help me restore my faith - are there really many decent guys out there?

[darkblue]

I think everybody is just nervous and insecure in general and they are nervous about 'committing' to the right person. Perhaps also, people are not trusting their instincts enough. Don't your instincts tell you he or she is the right one?

A very deep question.

You could say that 'love' is instinctial. It is a feeling outwith your control.

Why do you only have attraction for certain people?

Because your instincts tell you they are right for you?

Who knows.

[mgirl]

Actually, my instincts tell me when it's the wrong one, that's for sure.

[MissJones]

But I don't know how many times I have come accross posts, and had experience of a woman not wanting a relationship, but knowing they had feelings for me.

 

That doesn't make sense in my books.

It may be to do with experience, or trying to find this 'perfect guy' (who doesn't exist, BTW)

There could be a lot of reasons for that: not wanting to get attached and risk getting hurt; having feelings for someone but just simply not being ready for a relationship (for whatever reason). I don't want to get into a relationship at the moment because I have some issues to deal with that would be detrimental to a relationship. That would be unfair on the other person and myself and would only cause more problems.

 

I think too many people are searching for perfect when it doesn't exist. Perfect would be incredibly boring. We're all fabulously flawed and that's what makes us unique and interesting. I couldn't imagine having someone perfect. I can imagine having someone who's perfect for me (as in totally suitable and complementary) but even then, I'd still expect that things won't run smoothly all the time. A good fight or a trying time is what we need sometimes.

[darkblue]

My best friends are people who have been there for me through thick and thin - that's what makes them 'best friends'.

 

I agree.

[KweenofDenyl]

Actually, my instincts tell me when it's the wrong one, that's for sure.

 

if THAT isn't the truth! the problem lies in listening to those instincts! [-(

[darkblue]

Actually, my instincts tell me when it's the wrong one, that's for sure.

Definitely.

 

Right guys, it's now 5am and I have to be up for eight.

Just remember that the right guy exists. He's not perfect, but he's perfectly flawed and perfect for you.

[mgirl]

A very deep question.

You could say that 'love' is instinctial. It is a feeling outwith your control.

Why do you only have attraction for certain people?

Because your instincts tell you they are right for you?

Who knows.

 

Hmm, or maybe i should correct that and say that "surely you're instincts tell you whether a person is worth hanging around to get to know or not"... Which brings me to the point that i think many people are so busy trying to find that elusive "something" in their lives (whether it be career, another human being to share it with, or just plain ole happiness), that they forget to tune into how they really feel about something, and instead live their lives constantly on the rebound from one shallow feeling or fear response to another shallow feeling or fear response without really experiencing the true depth of each moment long enough to know whether it will be good/beneficial for them or not in the long run.

 

I hope i am not getting to complicated. Basically, people these days are taking the hare and not the tortoise approach.

[mgirl]

if THAT isn't the truth! the problem lies in listening to those instincts! [-(

 

Hmm, listening to those instincts and following your head a little... I believe that the instincts speak loudest though, but it is also good to take stock and take a step back and see what people are really about. For example, i don't believe people reveal their true colours until at least 3 months into a relationship or friendship, so it is good to stand back a little and assess their actions, behaviours and intentions.

 

Okay, i am not really all that paranoid, but in my experience, sometimes when people think they have you in a certain position, that is when they take advantage of you and try to control you, or start to disrespect you.

 

I hope i am not sounding too cynical, but the take home message is YES, listen to those instincts!!! They never lie.

[MissJones]

Okay, i am not really all that paranoid, but in my experience, sometimes when people think they have you in a certain position, that is when they take advantage of you and try to control you, or start to disrespect you.

Most definitely. I think that's what's happening in my situation now. I've made it waaaay to easy for him by being there whenever he calls. But that's mainly because I get lonely, crave company and jump at the chance. Fortunately, I'm not the kind of person to disrespect someone for those reasons.

 

I hope i am not sounding too cynical, but the take home message is YES, listen to those instincts!!! They never lie.

Very true. I hate it when I get a gut feeling because it's ALWAYS right. A couple of my friends call me the Big Ben because my mind ticks over so much and I start to over-analyse things. But I only analyse things that just don't sit right with me. And those things that don't sit right with me is my gut instincts talking. My instincts cause me to analyse and they're always 100% right. It's as simple as that. What's not as simple is I don't always act on my instincts ](*,)

 

On another note, I've just realised the irony of my post. I would love to meet a decent guy but I don't think I could commit to a relationship yet because of some hang-ups I really need to deal with. I'm a decent, loyal, faithful, heart of gold chick who wants a decent guy but would probably ruin it only to have him think I'm not a decent chick. *shakes head*

[Mun]

Once you accept the FWB situation you know what you are getting into. I don't think it's possible to make a FWB behave like a bf or gf. (Not saying it doesn't sometimes lead to a relationship--but it's not likely). That includes them looking around for possible NEW gf or bf or a good time elsewhere. Sad, but can you really complain?

 

MissJones, I'm glad to see you realized you contradict yourself about what you want. You admit you can't be in a committed relationship--and you have your reasons. So then you are left with a choice.. you either give it up because you are not really happy with this arrangement or you make peace with it.

 

To everyone else...if you believe that all men out there are only looking for one thing...you will find those men--like a radar.

If you believe that there are good guys out there looking for a real relationship--you will find those guys.

A happy, positive attitude will attract more good guys than a cynical, man bashing one will....try it !

[MissJones]

MissJones, I'm glad to see you realized you contradict yourself about what you want. You admit you can't be in a committed relationship--and you have your reasons. So then you are left with a choice.. you either give it up because you are not really happy with this arrangement or you make peace with it.

Honestly, I think the best thing for me would be to give it up. It's already causing me grief in more ways than one. To continue it would be putting myself through the wringer. If I end up really attached to him, I'm screwed. If he ends up really attached to me, he's screwed and no matter how much he sh!ts me, I still couldn't do anything to hurt him. And I shouldn't have to put up with a friend whose moods are so hard to predict anyway. He even treats his best mate like cr@p sometimes. That says a lot about his character, which is another reason I could never take it further. I don't want to dig myself deeper knowing full-well what I'm getting myself into. I also don't want any awkwardness between us because we hang around each other often.

 

I need to get out there and restore my faith, realise that there are lots of great guys out there and when the time is right for me, pursue someone

[darkblue]

That's the spirit MissJones.

 

As for FWB.

I have to say - I'm not a fan. It defeats the purpose, and principals of a friendship... And from experience, one person always gets 'too close'.

[darkblue]

Oh, I was kidding my dear.

[blah17]

There are many reasons why guys do FWB, a lot of the time is because of being being burned or having a f'd up past that do not make them good LTR material. Guys will tell you women always trade up, if you are a guy who's poor, find out how long a woman will stay with you over any length of time, it's not pretty. This is why so many guys date short term or get FWB, because women are economic ladder climbers, and they've experienced a world of hurt.

 

The reason why relationships are so f'd up nowadays has a lot to do with economic forces destabilizing peoples lives. 1 in 4 people are among the poor, thats a lot of poor people.

[phillygal]

I don't know about "Blah17" theory concerning poverty and commitment. To me it doesn't really make sense. You're basically saying all women are gold-diggers and we're always looking to upgrade whenever possible. From my experience, i think alot of men are spoiled and that is why many of them do not really look for commitment until they reach a point where they're tired of sleeping with women they barely know. Many women are desperate and will put up with so much crap from a guy and that same guy starts to think all women will put up with his crappy behavior. Many women, think if they bend over backwards to show a man how much they care, he will change and appreciate them, but that is rarely the case. I experienced that in my last relationship, and never again will i put up with that kind of behavior from any man. More women have to be stronger and be comfortable with the idea of being alone for an uncertain period of time. Women have to value themselves and feel they deserve to be treated well, maybe then more men will stop taking us for granted. Even though i would love to be in a relationship, i would rather be alone for the next five years, than deal with a man who treats me horriblly. I know there are some good men, but they're more in the minority than the majority. Just my opinion though

[KweenofDenyl]

Guys will tell you women always trade up, if you are a guy who's poor, find out how long a woman will stay with you over any length of time, it's not pretty. This is why so many guys date short term or get FWB, because women are economic ladder climbers, and they've experienced a world of hurt.

 

The reason why relationships are so f'd up nowadays has a lot to do with economic forces destabilizing peoples lives. 1 in 4 people are among the poor, thats a lot of poor people.

 

Perhaps the reason behind being traded "up" is not economic but b/c a guy will lay on the couch instead of getting a job. Or b/c she's tired of picking his dirty underwear off the floor. Or maybe even because she's just plain tired of his whiny * * * always * * * * *in that someone has done him wrong...as for the rest, there are a LOT more poor women than men in the world.

[fantasia2004]

I am beginning to see it as a yearning for a real long term relationship.

[Scout]

Bravo, Monet! Excellently said. For some reason, our society is starting to adapt this tawdry type of "relationship" as a valid, even a healthy one. I just don't see how it is. Big deal, you can get your sexual urges met (if the other person isn't out on a date with someone else). Yet, if it's so satisfying, why are there so many posts on eNotalone and other forums complaining about needs not being met from FWB's? I have to say, it's more women than men who complain about this, but no matter the gender, if the general consensus from one is that they're getting the short end of the stick, I don't think it's such a rewarding type of behavior after all.

 

To answer the original question: yes indeed, there are many decent men left, just as there are many decent women left. Just look around at eNotalone...plenty of folks with problems, but they also have empathy and take the time to help each other with these problems. That's pretty decent in my book.

 

I think once you decide that you have certain expectations you need met from the opposite sex - and resolve to date only those who seem they can meet them - you'll naturally attract the more reliable and available types. It honestly worked for me. Feel free to PM and I can go into details a little more candidly, but the gist is that I stopped the whole FWB nonsense and I also started putting myself in situations where I was more likely to meet someone who was truly right for me, as opposed to someone I thought would be an impressive "catch," as embarrassing as that is to admit.

 

Today, I am now dating a truly decent and kind man, and what's more, we're extremely compatible. I can actually be myself with him...my best self! It's such a wonderful feeling. Even better, I look at this relationship as enriching my life, as opposed to being my sole reason for happiness. Boy, did that take the pressure off too.

 

Right now, there are probably a few eNotalone veterans falling off their chairs reading this...sorry guys that it took the lesson so long to sink in, but ya helped get it started, so many thanks!

[blah17]

I don't know about "Blah17" theory concerning poverty and commitment. To me it doesn't really make sense.

 

It's more complicated then "women are gold diggers", it's economic security, less and less people today have job security or any kind of economic security and this acid of capitalism is eating through human relationships.

 

Define a good man for me and I bet women's idea of a good man, his financial security tops the list or is at least in the top 2 or 3 on the list of "do we have a future".

 

You could also look at the divorce rate, it makes perfect sense. Think about it for a second, if you want to have 2+ kids are you going to marry someone thats going to make your future financial life more difficult? Love don't pay the bills... this is the hardest lesson I had to learn in my younger life. In the past I've had many women tell me they love me only to leave me and clearly state that they left for financial reasons, not because I was a 'bad guy', they'd still have sex FWB with me even AFTER they left.

 

I've seen countless marriages collapse when guys get older and sick and their wives leave them for other men who have money, women want financial security above all else the older they get if they don't have it themselves.

 

One of the top issue in most relationships is finances, the girl will either want to go out a lot, , do this, that and the other thing, and if the finances aren't there guess who's going to get ditched sooner or later as the woman feels constrained by her man's lack of opportunities and experiences that money buys.

 

With the increasing polarization of the rich and poor, and increasing marketization of society, more and more relationships are becoming totally economically determined (I love and feel attracted to you but... you're not stable enough financially). This is part of the reason why there is always MILLIONS of single people at any given time.

[Msnak]

Hmm, the financial security issue is certainly an interesting one. Let's see it from two perspectives.

 

Ladies first.

 

Yes, a woman most likely wants to get married and have kids. Yes, most women would love to spend precious moments raising their kids. Is that feasible for everyone? No. Financially, socially, career-wise...heck, my mom got bored around the house and went back to work and let her sister watch me as a toddler.

 

But again, look at the colleges--filled with women. Not women in college until a man saves them from the real world. Women who are challenging themselves and building a career. Many will postpone it for children, but they will pretty much have a career.

 

There will always be women who don't want to work and who will be full-time stay-at-home moms.

 

Now...men.

 

Men are still taught to be the ones that take care of their family. To be smart and savvy and climb the ladder. They're supposed to "bring home the bacon" and whatnot.

 

But not all men want to do that. Some, by the nature of their jobs, cannot do that.

 

And why should a guy have to front the bills of an entire family if he doesn't want to? In that case, he should marry a woman who will help with finances.

 

Some guys like their equal. Some guys like to be the primary money makers. Some don't care. Some are scared by women who earn more.

 

My point is that there's too many cases of differing values and opinions. So, just find your perfect match, as someone said earlier. And that means recognizing what you want and being prepared to go after it.

[fantasia2004]

As I ask again

 

 

Miss jones what do you want to do

 

what do you want

[mgirl]

With the increasing polarization of the rich and poor, and increasing marketization of society, more and more relationships are becoming totally economically determined (I love and feel attracted to you but... you're not stable enough financially). This is part of the reason why there is always MILLIONS of single people at any given time.

 

I agree with this, but where do you meet them in the first place? I think technology has something do with it. People are so busy at work and think they can hook up over the internet, whereas in the "ole days", they used to go out and meet in the flesh.

 

BTW, what is a FWB? Is it something to do with the "F" word and "Buddy"?!

[DN]

Yes - it means the same thing 'Friends With Benefits'.

[MissJones]

As I ask again

 

 

Miss jones what do you want to do

 

what do you want

I want to be happy. I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I've been happily single for 5 years now but I've now reached a point where I feel extremely lonely. I want someone to share things with. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I want to feel special. I want to stop putting myself in situations where I don't feel special, but instead feel like cr*p. I want to be ready for a relationship.

[Scout]

The more we get ourselves into situations that don't suit us and the more we continue to do this, the more skewed our perceptions of the opposite sex become.

 

People, please, please take note of this point being made here. This is absolutely the truth. For years, I picked partners based on reasons that were not the ones I should have been focused on. Inevitably, it never, ever worked out. And I started to think "all men are unreliable, all men will hurt you."

 

That's just plain irrational thinking. You have to do some hard inward thinking about who you are, and who you'll truly be compatible with. You have to clearly know what your values and worldviews are, what your core temperament is like, and then figure out what traits another person would need to have to get along with you and vice versa. I suggest the best way to meet people is through activities you're passionate about, or at least genuinely enjoy. Let's face it, online dating and the gym is where so many people look to find love. While a few may find a lasting relationship, the reality is that there is such a broad group of folks out there doing those activities, so what are the real odds you're going to find a soul mate there? It's like sifting through massive amounts of quantity to find that one quality person that fits you to a tee. Very time consuming, and in the process, as one person after another turns out not to be right for you, very discouraging.

 

And as the poster that I quoted mentioned, this starts to completely mess with your perceptions.