gf "cheated" on me, and now wants me back

[lifeistough]

OK.. this is my first post here. I really need some advice from some unbiased sources, so a big thankyou to anyone who takes the time to read my story and respond with some advice or comments.

 

To cut a long story short, I was with my girlfriend just under 3 years. We had a pretty good relationship for most of the time, and went on some good holidays together etc. We spent nearly every day together, and she stayed round a lot and we both knew each others families. Now, I believe in absolute faithfulness, and she proclaimed to believe the same. But I believe part of faithfulness is sticking together even if things go downhill. Well they went downhill. I got depressed, ill, was drinking a lot, hated my job, she got pregnant (we had it aborted), and I stopped paying her any attention. I didnt have sex with her (my choice, not hers) for about 2 months. Things were pretty bad. She went to college in september, a few weeks into the course she breaks up with me (late october). I was really torn up about it and tried contacting her on msn and wrote a few emails. I didn't go over to her house, even though she is walking distance away, because I wanted to give her some space.

 

She admitted to kissing some other guy only 3 days after splitting up with me. This broke my heart and I assumed he was the reason for splitting up with me. Then we went through a phase where she would SMS me in the early hours of the morning saying she misses me and **** like that. I hadn't seen this girl for about 2 weeks, and then my only brother killed himself (talk about a double whammy), and she decided to come round my house and hug me and my family. I was pretty sure she did that out of guilt for dumping me.

 

Eventually after about a month she started inviting herself out with me and my mates who go drinking on the weekend. I ended up kissing her occasionally when she gave us a lift home.

 

I wrote her a letter, explaining everything how I feel and basically making promises that if she gets back with me things will be a lot better and I'll pay her attention etc.. She kept saying **** like "i'm so confused". Eventually (say.. early december) she came round and decided she wants me again, apologised profusely for leaving me and saying it was a mistake, and started msn'ing and sms'ing me all the time, saying she misses me. We ended up having sex last week, about 5 days out of 7 in fact, and she seemed to really have fallen for me again, saying things such as "I never stopped loving you".

 

About a week before we first had sex I looked her in the eye and asked her if she'd had sex with anyone else since she dumped me. She said no. I asked her again multiple times over the next few days, each time she denied it and got offended that I kept asking her.

 

Well yesterday (28/12/2005) she was over my house, and behaving as if we were girlfriend and boyfriend again. I explained I don't want to get hurt and need to know what happened with kissing that guy. I dragged it out of her and she admitted to having had sex with him about a week and a half after we split up (so a few days before my brother died).

 

She said the sex "didn't work" and she pushed him off him and ran off. I didnt believe this, and I was so angry and upset, even though she split with ME, I still loved HER. I was still with her in my mind. So, I spilled my heart to her and told her, gave her my ethical analysis and told her to get out of my house.

 

Today she has been writing emails and SMS's all day saying how sorry she is, how she feels so guilty and would never do anything like that again. I ignored it all as much as possible, but eventually got into a conversation on msn this evening. She told me she only had sex with this guy once, but tonight I decided to ask her how many times they did it, straight up. She replied with "3 times it happened each time once i had met up with him and everyone and the 3rd time was when it went wrong i walked away crying because i didnt know what i was doing. i thought you didnt want me and someone else did. i know its wrong"

 

So she finally admitted to screwing this guy 3 times.

 

To conclude the night she says she loves me and is so sorry and feels guilty and will not give up trying to get me back.

 

But she LIED to me about not having screwed that guy, and let me have sex with her FIVE times. Now I feel sick, if I had known about what she did I wouldnt have touched her.

 

SO...

 

Is what she did WRONG? or should I find it acceptable seeming as she had broken up with me? If it was acceptable then why do I feel so CHEATED?

 

Should I try and forgive her, or should I just try my hardest to cut her loose?

 

My heart still loves her, but my brain is telling me to maintain my pride and principles and tell her to get ****ed. But it's so difficult.

 

 

 

well, this turned out to be a pretty wordy story, so my apologies, and a big thank you to anyone who can advise me or even just read my tale of woe

[Danny H]

I can sympathise with you 100%, but the fact is at least she had sex with this guy after you broke up.

 

You'll torture yourself thinking about the two of them together, so you'll have to let that go at some point.

 

You can't blame her not telling the truth outright.

 

The most important thing seems to be that after seeing if the grass really is greener elsewhere, she has decided that you are the one.

 

If you believe her then you'll have to make sure your jealosy doesn't wreck something that could be very good for you both.

 

If you love her, you'll have to forgive and find time to start off on a new footing and just see this as a hurdle to be overcome.

 

best

 

dan

[yeawutever]

But, is she has sex with him three times after u guys broke up then she didn't cheat and it's really none of ur business on wut she did during that time, u guys were broken up. But, yea, I do think u can find a better decent girl who doens't get distracted easily in just a few days after splitting up.

[moondog627]

It might not be his business on what she did post-breakup but you can't blame a guy for getting bothered over something like that. And I do kinda think that something like this is the dumpee's business if the ex wants to get back together. It's one thing if you never met the person before. But you have a history with this person. It's hard to simply go from A to Z while ignoring everything in between. A lot of times that info is crucial to making a decision on getting back or not. On a side note, be glad your ex didn't turn into Super-Ho.

[Mix Maxster]

Man what is happening to the male population these days? Are we really being completely brainwashed?

 

Man why do you got to act this way? She cheated on you for obvious reasons and yes this is harsh, but its better than allowing you to continue on this way. Look, you're a man and as a man you have to control yourself and how you handle yourself. Things will always happen that are outside of your control and you have to be ok with that. You choose how you feel and what you think and don't ever allow it to control you.

 

That said, I want you to know that what is important is for you to think about what you're going to do for yourself not what she's going to do for herself. It's all about you because it's your life, why allow her to get away with anything. I always have to wonder how my other guy friends are so fast to just allow things to go back to the way they were instead of actually changing things like they originally planned on.

 

If she actually had sex with a guy while with you, then I would never give them another chance. But if she slept with this guy after she broke up, then you need to get this through your head that she don't belong to you and is free to do as she pleases when you've broken up. People don't have to stay faithful, but they do anyways. The two most important things to remember is that the girl is never the prize, we are the prize and if you do your part, no woman is ever going to want to cheat on you. Afterall, ask women how hard it is to find a good man.

 

max

[ocrob]

It sounds to me that she was rebounding. She did what she did with the hopes of meeting someone and getting over you. It sounds like this guy did not make her happy and she realized she wants to be with you. It is so hard to think of your GF with another guy, but she was with other guys before you met her. I definitely can understand how you feel, but if you love her, then make things work.

[yeawutever]

Lol, single here still and looking!!!!!!1

[lgirl]

she only waited 3 days before she slept with a guy after breaking up with you? sounds like she couldn't have cared that deeply about you - why the rush to get with someone else - so QUICKLY? personally, i think she disrespected your r/shp by doing that (and disrespected the love you have for her) and it WAS cheating on you - the dust had barely settled before she got with someone else. dump her - i don't think you can get back the trust you had. it was bad enough she slept with that guy once. okay, that you could put down to being a mistake. but 3 times??? that's not on. no wonder you feel so sick!! what happens if you have problems in the future - is she going to just run off with the next (nearest) guy? can you live fearing she might do that to you again? at the very least you need to take some time out and think about what you YOU want to do and how you DESERVE to be treated.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

First and foremost, I am so sorry about your brother. (((hugs)))

 

 

Ok...I can understand why you feel betrayed and upset about this because you love her and you were hoping for a second chance with a clean slate. But you guys were broken up and she had freedom to have sex with someone else, just like you had the freedom to have sex with someone else. So you can't call that cheating. Not even close. Hurtful or shocking....yes...cheating? No. And what I am wondering what did it matter to you if she did or not? One thing I have learned the hard way...is to never ask questions if you can't deal with the answers. You were digging for pain.

 

For now on, I would not contact her. She is not trustworthy and pretty unclear with what she wants out of life. You can forgive her for your sake but that doesn't mean you have to take her back. I know you are hurting but this girl is not good enough for you. Take care and wishing all the best.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my take on it...

 

... and I stopped paying her any attention. I didnt have sex with her (my choice, not hers) for about 2 months. Things were pretty bad. She went to college in september, a few weeks into the course she breaks up with me (late october).

So for a few months you ignored her. She obviously felt your actions were saying "I don't care for you any more." I'd break up with you if I were her as well. She's very wise for doing this.

 

She admitted to kissing some other guy only 3 days after splitting up with me.

You mean "a few months AND three days after I started mistreating her." She was perfectly justified in doing this. You shut her down several months ago and she had already begun the process of moving away from you. You just did not realize the timeline had started a lot earlier - but it did - and it's obvious to her (and me.)

 

This broke my heart and I assumed he was the reason for splitting up with me.

No, the reason why she split up with you was because you stopped maintaining your relationship with her. You treated her poorly, ignored her emotional and physical needs, and cut yourself off. Sure, times were bad, but she was there to help you - if you would have let her. No matter how bad things were, you still could treat her with love, respect, and care.

 

she decided to come round my house and hug me and my family. I was pretty sure she did that out of guilt for dumping me.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your brother, and - not even knowing you - I would have done the same thing. She did it out of compassion, caring, love. I believe you need to give her a little more credit here.

 

Eventually after about a month she started inviting herself out with me and my mates who go drinking on the weekend. I ended up kissing her occasionally when she gave us a lift home.

Actions speak volumes here. She loves you, and always did. However, you forced her to rethink her position which is why she left you. Now she is doing her best to be around you to get you to see what you are missing. This is a very bold and powerful move on her part.

 

I wrote her a letter, explaining everything how I feel and basically making promises that if she gets back with me things will be a lot better and I'll pay her attention etc.. She kept saying **** like "i'm so confused".

Well, sure, she's confused because you are SAYING you'll be better, but you're not DOING anything. Did you ask her on a date? Take her out, flirt with her, make a few jokes, give her a big O? Or did you just talk about it? Talk is cheap, and she knows it. She's not confused, you are. You're sending her mixed signals.

 

she seemed to really have fallen for me again, saying things such as "I never stopped loving you".

Yeah, I can totally see that. I believe that to be 100% true.

 

About a week before we first had sex I looked her in the eye and asked her if she'd had sex with anyone else since she dumped me.

Bad move. You should, in my opinion, never ask about someone's ex's. You were broken up, did you expect a wonderful woman like her to lock herself in a closet? You should have assumed she did and kept your mouth shut. Now you look like an insecure and jealous child to her. You drove her away and now you are trying to pin the blame on her for your actions?

 

I asked her again multiple times over the next few days, each time she denied it and got offended that I kept asking her.

You bet she got offended. You're being a jerk. You are calling her a liar. And you KNOW she slept with someone, because your gut is making you ask, but as an adult you should have realized that asking her was downright offensive and disrespectful. She was single, it was none of your business. You may as well ask your grandmother if she has been sleeping around, and I don't think you would do that.

 

I explained I don't want to get hurt and need to know what happened with kissing that guy.

So you basically said ... "I don't want to get hurt, so tell me something that will hurt me." Um.... hello? What were you thinking? With all due respect, it looks like you are trying to make things hard for yourself. Here you have a woman who physically CAME BACK TO YOU and now you are trying to make things worse again. Didn't you tell her you were going to be better to her? Why are you treating her like some war criminal and interrogating her? No, you are trying to sabotage things would be my guess. You are trying to punish yourself and get her to break up with you again.

 

So, I spilled my heart to her and told her, gave her my ethical analysis and told her to get out of my house.

Is that what you call being better? You'd be lucky if she ever comes back to you and I think she was - and is - a WONDERFUL woman.

 

she said "i thought you didnt want me and someone else did."

The truth is here. It's completely obvious, right?

 

But she LIED to me about not having screwed that guy, and let me have sex with her FIVE times. Now I feel sick, if I had known about what she did I wouldnt have touched her.

So she was a virgin when you met? And you were too? If both of you were virgins, then I can see how you MIGHT have a case. But if not, then you are being a big hypocrite. You made her lie to you. Just like you made her leave you. You forced her to do something that she did not want to do both times.

 

Is what she did WRONG? or should I find it acceptable seeming as she had broken up with me? If it was acceptable then why do I feel so CHEATED?

She did nothing wrong. You feel cheated because you probably think this string of bad luck should continue in every aspect of your life and you are unconsciously trying to screw this up too. And, in my opinion, you're doing a dandy job of it. If she had been here asking for advice I would have told her to dump you.

 

Should I try and forgive her, or should I just try my hardest to cut her loose?

Man, if I were you, I would apologize and swear that you would stop being such a jerk to her. Then I would drop all negative topics of conversation FOREVER and start going on dates with her. I would get back to how you were when you first met.

 

My heart still loves her, but my brain is telling me to maintain my pride and principles and tell her to get ****ed. But it's so difficult.

Your brain is a little messed up, in my opinion, and I can understand why. This has clearly not been trivial, nor has it been easy. I believe you have been unduly influenced by other major factors in your life and you have been unfairly saddled with the burden of trying to figure everything out all at once. Each problem you have been facing requires, in my opinion, a specific skill set and level of experience to deal with properly. When life dumps everything on you at once, unless you've dealt with things like them before you can be sure you're going to screw things up.

 

Here is what I see - the reality of the situation - the BOTTOM LINE.

--------------------------------------

You had some tough breaks. You ignored the woman who loved you and she took a hint and left. She did what any other human being would have done and sought out the company of other people. Then you came back and she affirmed her love for you. Despite being continually mistreated by you due to your confusion, she is STILL is standing by your side. STILL. You have kicked her and kicked her, and kicked her some more and still she sees the good in you. Here is a woman who desperately loves you because she sees that YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. Now you probably have only one very small window of opportunity here to save it.

 

Shove your pride. Shove your standards. You're completely wrong in my opinion. If you agree with me, then you need to get off your high horse and come back to reality and realize that unless you start acting like you said you would, she's going to wise up and realize you're just lying to her. And, unless I am mistaken, that is not one of the standards you would allow her to subject you to, correct?

 

--------------------------------------

 

Okay, I apologize if this comes off as a harsh, but it's SOOO obvious to me I just don't know what else to say. So, who knows. Maybe something I said was true for YOU. Maybe nothing was true. You need to read this and decide for yourself if anything could be right and if it fits in with your values and - of course - the whole story which we probabably do not know.

 

I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and for your sake I hope you get over it and take her back.

[RayKay]

Listen to Poco, he has said it all very well, and in very detailed form!

 

I think she broke up with you as she felt she had no choice. She has just had an abortion, and when she even needed you most, she was being physically and intimately pushed away from you. She left as she was feeling rejected and I can imagine very very alone. You were drinking a lot, depressed, she just went through an emotional nightmare with her abortion. Yes, in relationships you must work through things, but a person should not stay when they are being hurt more then they are being loved. They do not stay at all costs - when the emotional cost is TOO much, they should leave. It takes TWO to make a relationship work, and to believe she had to stay around when you were drinking, physically rejecting her for months, is just selfish when you were not putting your effort into it in return. She is not there to save you, she did the right thing in my opinion by leaving.

 

Yes, she was involved with people during the break up, but that is it, it was a break up. A break up is not a temporary break, and so she was probably trying to move on, and maybe even to feel a bit human again...maybe to even feel desired again after the months of rejection. Her self esteem and emotional health were by that point shot. But she quickly realized it was a mistake, it was not right. She did not tell you as she did not want to hurt you, over something that she knew was not right and had stopped ultimately. She was faithful to you, she did not break up with you to be with him, but to save herself from the pain you were causing.

 

She did not come around to hug you out of guilt, it was because she really DID love you, and care about you. But she felt she had no choice but to leave you. Seriously, how would you feel if you were suddenly physically and emotionally rejected, after all the things that had happened to boot?

 

I can't tell you to just "forget it". Of course it hurts you. But it also hurts her, guaranteed. She realized that she does want you, love you. I will say this though, if you cannot forgive this, you SHOULD let her go, because it would not be fair to tell her it's fine and then resent her for it. If you know you cannot forgive, let her go. It won't be easy, but she does deserve someone to love her who will not resent her and blame her for the mistakes she made, considering you were broken up.

 

And finally, I think you should also stop playing the victim in all of this and look at YOUR actions as much as hers in the role of the break up. She is not to blame for leaving a very bad, painful situation. You need to look at yourself for your role in pushing her away, suck up your pride, and realize that there are bigger issues here then her sleeping with someone else after you broke up. There are huge issues about drinking, depression, rejection/emotional abuse, that need to be resolved. Of course she is scared to come back, and love you again, she needs to see some change in that, and some actions to follow your words.

[lovecrazy]

But, is she has sex with him three times after u guys broke up then she didn't cheat and it's really none of ur business on wut she did during that time, u guys were broken up. But, yea, I do think u can find a better decent girl who doens't get distracted easily in just a few days after splitting up.

 

 

Ok whats to say this girl isnt decent.

 

I had a similar situation. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me because he wasnt happy. I had sex with another guy because I was single, and you know what he got mad at me. So what!

 

She was single when she slept with the guy. It is none of his business!

 

If the rolls were reversed, would he be feeling as guilty as she does?

 

Honestly, your girl didnt cheat on you! She lied to you, that can be forgiven.

If you werent showing her that you cared, how is she supposed to react after a break up. Just because she slept with another guy AFTER YOUR BREAK Up doesn't mean that she doesnt love you! She lied in fear of her not getting ypu back.

 

If you love her then get back together with her, she is not the only one to blaim from your break up! Just forgive and forget.

[lifeistough]

Thank you all for the responses.. I appreciate every one of them.

 

I have been hugely enlightened by you, particularly the last 3 posts. Yes there is a lot more the the story, but this has really opened my eyes to the situation and shed a completely new perspective that I hadn't considered before. A lot of the comments towards me are completely valid and I am glad I posted here.

 

Thank you again and I'll post soon when I've had a bit more time to think (and sleep...)

[lifeistough]

update:

 

Well, I've read and re-read these responses. They have really helped me deal with this... thanks. I am still not 100% certain if I want her back, it has been very painful, but I think I probably do. I think I can forget about this and not resent her. I've realised I don't have as good a reason to resent her actions as I first did when I was smothered with the initial irrational pain.

 

So, I apologised to her for overreacting about what happened. I also admitted that we weren't together at the time, and although it still hurts me, I know why she broke up with me in the first place.

 

She drove me and my friends to a club on sunday night.. I talked to her alone for a couple of hours in there with no interrogation about the past and we ended up kissing... felt a bit weird, was a bit too soon for me maybe but everything seemed to go fine.

 

Tonight she invited me out, just her and I. We went for dinner. Avoided conversation about "us" most of the evening... until I eventually asked her what her position was towards me. She said she isn't completely sure, she wants me but it won't be right if we get back together just yet. Fine, my thoughts exactly.. but I would have rather she said straight up that she wants me back.. Oh well. We didn't talk about what I want, so it feels like the ball is back in her court again!

 

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens with time? I really don't know whether I should push the matter and declare I want her, and what a good boyfriend I could be again etc.

[lifeistough]

OK guys, I hope someone reads this and can set me straight or advise me. Just as I thought things were going swell I think they are all going wrong again, and I honestly have no idea why.

 

I haven't seen her since Tuesday night when we went for dinner. She has only texted me a few times to ask what I'm up to etc. She went to a club in another town last night and texted me at midnight from the club to ask what I'm up to. But I replied saying I was at home etc, and texted her 2 times today but she didn't reply... I texted to ask if she is ignoring me, she replies with "No not ignoring i'm at work. I'm not feeling well or right at the moment please don't be offended.x" She only works a couple of hours in the evening so I have no explanation why she didn't reply all day. A couple of hours later I text to ask if she'll be on msn or anything later, she says "I'm just with (a friend) now, smoking cigarettes and being depressed. I'm not sure what time going in. Hope ur ok. Sorry i'm so messed up, sorry i messed up our lives.x"

 

So why the hell has she gone all cold on me? After sending all those emails and stuff and ringing me, leaving voice mails and texting me back saying she wants us to be together forever etc.. suddenly as soon as I seem to change my mind and accept what she did with that other guy, she runs away again? She is making little attempt to contact me.

 

Now, please, if you can make heads or tails of this, please TELL me as I am wracking my brains with this.. the only thing I can think of is that she saw, and did whatever to, that guy again in that club! Which is probably likely since he is in the same friendship group as the people she was with that night. I sure hope I am being PARANOID...

[lifeistough]

ok, forgot to mention that I texted her this in reply to her last text :

 

"Please don't think that, everything happened for a reason. Mainly the way I became a bad boyfriend. we'v both learned a lot from this. Maybe we can get thru this. If you are on msn later please txt me."

 

This text was 3 hours ago and it's now midnight my time... I had no reply

 

I don't know whether the hell that was a good thing to say or not. I don't know why this is messing me up so badly. Who can help me

[Danny H]

Life,

from your post it doesn't seem like she has gone totally cold on you, I mean she text'd you from a club at midnight, if she was having the time of her life with somebody else would she have bothered?.

 

For the sake of the future and your own sanity, see the paranoia as just that until you have concrete evidence either way.

 

 

Best

Dan

[lifeistough]

Thank you Dan.. I don't know what to do now, whether I should seek evidence of that? I'm thinking I should just keep my mouth shut and see what happens.

 

Text message from her late at night saying,

 

"Just to say sorry for the way i am right now. I'm just a * * * * up. Hopefully one day i will sort my head out and make things better but i'm getting nowhere right now. I don't want you to see me until i can get myself together. I'm not me right now. The therapist is going to help and is advising me. I'm doing as she says and i'm going to start tablets. I have to get well again. I feel mad at the moment. Hope you realise i have never meant all this pain. I have caused myself so so much. Speak soon x"

 

* * * is she on about man? I'm thinking I should give her some space. I think I should just send her one more text and then leave it up to her but I dont know what to say after all that.

[Miss M]

From her text message she sounds confused... like she needs some time to figure out what she wants and needs from life. It seems you two didn't have a healthy relationship, and lots of boundaries got crossed. You blamed her for doing wrong when she hadn't. Maybe she felt some guilt when she shouldn't. That's all very confusing. Now it seems she needs time to figure out how to be well and whole again without you, because trying to factor you into her healing process is too confusing for her. Seems like she's saying you should both back off from each other. I could be wrong, but I really don't think this is about her being with the other guy. It just seems she's lost a healthy perspective and needs time to get it sorted out again. And even if it IS about another guy, she's still saying she's confused and wants to stay away from you, so you should respect that.

 

And since she's getting advice from a therapist who's probably got a better idea of her confusion, the therapist is probably telling her to put some space between the two of you so she can begin to heal.

[lifeistough]

ok Miss M. Thank you very much. You talk a lot of sense. It's just so heart breaking... the couple of weeks when we were back together leading up to new years were perfect, I took her out and stuff and she said she loved me all the time, just like she always wanted, and she was so happy with me. I think if I never found out about this other guy then we would still be fine now. Then when I found out about him and castigated her, she was hell bent on getting me back. So what has happened. It appears the intervention of either the other guy, the therapist, or both has caused this.

 

So I have decided to not contact her. For some reason this seems strangely easy this time.

[Miss M]

ok Miss M. Thank you very much. You talk a lot of sense. It's just so heart breaking... the couple of weeks when we were back together leading up to new years were perfect, I took her out and stuff and she said she loved me all the time, just like she always wanted, and she was so happy with me. I think if I never found out about this other guy then we would still be fine now. Then when I found out about him and castigated her, she was hell bent on getting me back. So what has happened. It appears the intervention of either the other guy, the therapist, or both has caused this.

 

So I have decided to not contact her. For some reason this seems strangely easy this time.

My post echoes tiny bits of some of the other advice already given in this thread. I'm just restating what PocoDiablo and RayKay and others have already written because you seem to need to keep hearing it. And I've been jerked around a lot, so I know what that feels like from her end of. I understand that kind of confusion she feels, and I recognize myself in those messages she sent you. She's very confused, and any contact with you is keeping her in a confused state. You've turned reality around backwards so many times, made her wrong when she wasn't, blamed her for betraying you when she was really acting very rationally. Yeah, it's best for her emotional health if she stays away from you for a long while.

 

If she had been here asking for advice I would have told her to dump you.

And there are probably a lot of people in her life, (not just her therapist), who are telling her that same exact thing. There are people telling her to get away from you for her own sake. So don't blame the breakup on the people like her therapist who are trying to tell her to get away from you. Those are the people who can see clearly how you are harming her while she can't even see it. You hurt her, then blame her, and then she apologizes to you because she partly believes your accusations. That's why she keeps telling you she's sorry. She shouldn't be the one apologizing and feeling sorry when it was you who abused her in that way. And those people who are advising her to stay away from you are trying to help her find her way back towards healing and wholeness. A woman who sees clearly would never go near a guy like you in your present state.

 

And every time you blame anyone but yourself for the breakup, you're also staying stuck in the confusion. If you ever hope to get her back, (it's a long, long shot), you need to learn how to consistently take responsibility for your own behavior instead playing the victim and blaming others. And if you're not already in counseling, I'd suggest that's where you should go.

 

And maybe read PocoDiablo's post a few thousand more times.

[rndy]

i have a same situation kinda. Me and my wife have been separated for about 1 1/2 years due to an infedelity of mine. It happened once and our marriage was in a non-communicado situation due to grievences with her inlaws and both of us going through financial strains.

Since then I have been to councilling ( a ton!!!) and have really changed my life for me firstly but to hopefully reconcile with my wife. I have not spoken or seen my wife in almost a year but she would not reply after i wanted to move on and file the divorce. In Oct i sent her an email for the last time stating that I was filing the divorce that day. Boom!! She responds very nicely! (Long story short) more emails, MSN conversations, phone calls and the last month she has been coming up to see me ( i moved from our home town to help me get over it and have a kick * * * * * job as well she does now also), and we have been disscussing the future together and deciding who will move where to continue our marriage.

 

It has been amazing until 3 days ago she calls me and says that she doesnt know waht she want because she would be disappoint her father and her friends who really love her. I told her the ball was in her court and I would leave it up to her for further contact because I didnt want her to feel pressured. I havent heard from her in 2 days.

The point:

This is the second time since we've been separated that she has done this!

I know I have caused her a great deal of pain (myself also), but she has been telling me how much she loves me, wants to have kids with me and really convinced me about our future together. I asked her to be suare of this when we first began speaking again as it was important to me and i have really matured a lot (im 33 she's 28 by the way).

Why does she say all this, knowing i've asked her not to lead me on (saying these things, sleeping with me, etc) until she was sure, and then the very next day says i dont want ya? What is she thinking? IS it just a comfort thing until the novelty wares off?

I would like some opinions. I can understand happening once but happening again after 1 1/2 year of not speaking. I mean im ok, i was really hoping for a reconcilliation but i been through it before so I have to wonder if i am beating a dead horse!

Thanks for listening.

[Miss M]

Hey r@ndy, really sorry for your difficulties and pain. And your questions deserve to be answered, but you might get a better response by starting your own thread to ask others about your situation. It's best not to distract from the original poster's problems to get help with your own. And it sounds like your situation is somewhat similar to the OP, but also somewhat different. Maybe try starting a thread to tell your whole story so that you can get some input from others.

[lifeistough]

well guys, thank you once again..

 

The more I think, the more I think I should give up on this relationship.. seems impossible. I got in tonight and found 4 pages of A4 letters under my bed, handwritten by her, dated August 2005, pleading with me to give her more attention and care for her more etc. I don't even remember reading that letter. I guess that explains a lot!!! I think I got into a real rut with this girl and took her for granted. I admit that completely right now and I know why this all happened.

 

But trying to get her back is causing me so much pain, I KNOW I blew it, but I also KNOW I could be a good boyfriend again if I was given the chance, cause I love this girl and we had a good relationship for most of the time. and I am really a good natured person, I just let myself slip and throw it all away. But I have absolutely no idea how I can prove this to her if I am unable to talk to her.

 

She texted me last night saying

"Just a message to say hi and i hope you are ok. I know you don't need to hear it but i'm coping badly right now. Such a mess. I hope ur in town having a good night. Don't think i don't think of you. I saw you in (local bar) last night, was too nervous to say hi. I hope u don't think badly of me 4 that. I don't know whats going on with me. I'm a wreck. Its not ur worry tho. I'm trying to get right. Sorry to go on. I'm supposed 2 work early tomoz i don't feel i can do it but i'm going to try. Night night x"

 

I haven't yet replied (24 hrs..). I honestly have no idea how to proceed now if I want to get her back. Should I reply or what?

[Lokylom]

She tossing you a "life ring" to see if you still care about her. She feels bad about what she did. Tell her honestly how you feel, Pro's and Con's don't leave out the fact that you messed up, but reassure that you know what you did and are willing to fix the situation. You may have a shot here, those who don't take the leap of faith will never know the joy of success. I go by the theory of, if you are too unstable enough to "not" cheat on me, then break up with me out of respect. You know more about the situation than I do. If you KNOW that it was your fault. Good luck. Ethier way call her and resolve the situation, you'll know what descision would be right for you if you talk to her.