lifeistough

Sorry I havent replied, I read and have been reflecting on what you wrote. I appreciate the advice very much. Friso you talk a lot of sense, thank you. I'm sure I'll be posting on here again as things progress.

Right, things are going wrong between me and my girlfriend. We are seeing less and less of each other, even tho she lives round the corner. I still speak to her on the phone but she says she is sorry for not seeing me, she is depressed and needs to sort herself out. She owes me a lot of money , and she says thats her excuse. She could be cheating on me, but I doubt it. But there's always that thought at the back of my mind. At the moment I am being real soft about it, trying to be nice and supportive, but she gets angry constantly at me, like when she cant hear me on the phone she'll start saying WHAT. Maybe she has a legitimate reason for behaving like this.. I am currently giving her the benefit of the doubt. Should I carry on sucking up to her and hope that she comes around, or should I be tough and put her in her place? She is treaing me badly, but she is very volatile at the moment and is genuinely depressed over something. Part of me wants to tell her to get stuffed, but I feel like I am treading on ice and I know it would hurt like hell if I lost her because when we are good we are very good. I know I havent written the full story but I really dont want to bore you too much if anyone is reading. Any advice appreciated!

Thank you guys. You have confirmed my fears, I have told you most of the situation and I trust your senses. I am going to try my best to move on. I feel like texting her right now, or phoning her, letting her know all my feelings and, to be honest, even if I did I don't think I could get any more hurt than I am now. But from the sounds of things total NC is the way to go? Or should I send her a final letter or something announcing my inability to continue with this nonsense?

Solo, thanks for the reply. Thing is, I am sure she will never be with me. As soon as we start to get close she backs off. The new job seems like just another excuse. Maybe I am being selfish but when she is putting me through this amount of pain I tend to care more about myself than her. I do not think she would ever want me back. She sees me as a backup plan, a comfort blanket when she falls out with her friends. Actually, I saw her tonight just now in the bar ( again!!). She came up and I said hi then I basically turned away.... I don't know what to say to her. She was tarted up to the max. I seriously cannot go through pretending to be ok with her again and living in hope that she'll come back. I cannot handle waiting for her to make a decision. Whenever she decides to get back with me, as soon as I return the feelings she * * * *s me off. How can I live like this? This has been going on about 5 months now. I run a business and have employees and * * * *. I can't face going to work for the next year filled with grief and emotion while she decides if she wants me back or not. It's like I am waiting for death.

Actually she has really wound me up now. This was supposed to be my decision whether I wanted her back, not hers. She always manages to turn this around. This is the second time this exact situation has happened. Time flows like a river and history repeats

well, I decided to stop playing games and be completely up front. She basically reiterated what icemoto said with : (ex-gf) says: listen i got ur txt but hav no cred to reply jus got in a nd hav to go straight bak out again to work... i dont know why im so messed up and for that as usual im sorry i go thru stages of missing u so muc hand wishing we were still together...i know i dont want to not be talking to u as i hated it. i do think about u all the time and the last thing i want to do is hurt u which is why i dont want (ex-gf) says: to jump into anything and just end up messing everything up (ex-gf) says: things are only just startin to look up by getting a job and i want to9 concentrate on that part of my life for sure at the moment and not relationships at all. i dont want to not talk to you and i enjoy seeing u out etc but im too scared to do anything at the moment until i know whats right and best and what happens happens...if this you cant understand im osrry but dnt think i lie when i say (ex-gf) says: i think about you or miss u as it still stands i just dont want to ruin everything in my life again, i want to be normal (ex-gf) says: if i dont talk to you one day it doesnt mean im ignoring you etc (ex-gf) says: im not saying i dont want you (ex-gf) says: i must go im osrry to not be able to wait 4 reply but very late Right now I can conclusively state that I do not want her back. However the last thing I wanted was another 2 months of heart ache, butterflies and not being able to eat!

I honestly think that her recent change of mind has been because I didn't act sooner. She said "one day you might take me out". She wanted me to take her out then and there, but how could I be expected to put all this * * * * under the carpet and take her out then and there? So if she has had a sudden change of heart then maybe she has found yet someone else!! (she says she hasn't, and refuses any "heavy talk" at the moment). This isn't the girl I used to love. She was so in love with me. She said it would take years to find someone else if we ever broke up with me. She has told lie after lie to get me to still be in love with her while she does her own thing. She is right, I deserve better Unfortunately she has set my standards very high (physically). It's just a matter of finding better....

guys, I am sorry for not replying sooner. Don't think the advise didn't go unappreciated. I read every reply, I just hadn't got round to replying yet. After the past few days it appears things are not as black and white as they did when I started this thread. She is really screwing me about. She is being unintentionally malicious. She is unsure whether she wants me back. This is just too much for me to handle right now. I don't think it's fair of her, given my current state of emotion, to imply she wants me back when she is not committed to getting me back, and I have just told her so. It seems as if she is using me as a backup plan. She contacts me only when she feels lonely. She is not worth this amount of pain. If only I had the strength to tell her where to go...

After recent occurrences, I didn't expect to be posting in the "getting back together" forum again. Once again I would appreciate any thoughts or advice. But she has now made it very clear she wants to get back together with me. For those that have followed my story, she initially dumped me, we got back together, I found out she had been with someone else and sort of dumped her, then I wanted her back but she said she thinks it is best that she moves on. It has been a couple of months since then. I saw her in a bar and she started texting me things like "you looked gorgeous tonight". She is now saying she never stopped really loving me, and she has 'made mistakes'. She says no one compares to me. It sounds as if she has been with OTHER guy(s) in the past two months (I have not been with others girls). But I have not asked. Should I ask her about this? Should it matter? After all we were broken up? If she has been with other people that quick then it has lowered my opinion of her, but I don't know by how much. This is her summary of why she wanted to move on (over msn): ".i went away again the 2nd tiome thinking you wont want me and talked myself into believing its best i move on". She also said she thought I would never want her again after what she did. I do not know for certain if this is the truth, maybe she just wanted to try other guys, but I feel that she is being truthful. Now, for the past 2 months I have been telling myself I would not take her back after all this. But now she wants me back I am falling for her again. Is this bad? I am not sure if I want her back. I am playing along with it, but now it is coming to a decision time, what do I do? This seems to be at a very volatile point, and my every action and spoken word seems to have consequences. She just said "one day soon you might take me out." I said, you dumped me, I feel its your move to ask me out. She says she is very scared that I will not want her after 'all that she has done'. And the thing is, i'm not sure if I want her. Would you want her after all this? As well as my opinion of her being lowered, there is the matter of pride. She has been with other guys, and I have not been with other girls. I am sure that some people know about this. Her brother knows everything, he thinks I should get back with her and that she is being genuine about everything. But what if she dumped me again? then i'd look a right * * * *. Anyone got any thoughts or advice please ?

Thanks bkj. I appreciate it. She actually texted me last night saying "do you hate me?", I only noticed it this avo and replied basically saying no i don't, and i don't understand why she suddenly updated her faceparty like that. She responded immediately with : I'm just so messed up i have messed my whole life up. I wish i was different. I'm so sorry for everything you should hate me for what i have been like to you.x I want to reply but don't know what to say. Maybe I should just leave it. She is being so ambiguous. It could either be a way of breaking the ice and starting conversation, or it could just be her trying to relieve herself of the burden of guilt -- but which one, i have NO idea. I just want to say "what do you want from me?"

bjk, thanks. What do you advise me to do? I do not know if I want her back, but for some reason I want her to want me back. She is a pretty girl and goes out a lot. While we were together she was infinitely loyal to me. But she gets chatted up by multiple guys whenever she goes out. My friends tell me that if I am going to act, I should act fast. Do you think I should just ignore this and wait to see if she contacts me? There is a massive barrier between us now, I think only I can break it. .

Perfect Partner : always has been and always will be Why does she write that? I am finding this frustrating. She rejected me absolutely. Then she writes that. There must have been something that ocurred for her to suddenly change her mind and decide that I am the one for her. She must have tried it with a few other guys, they treater her like dirt, and then she decides she is better off with me after all!! No good, man.

renaissancewoman101, thanks for the response. I hate to think that she feels empowered by the fact I want her back, but I guess it could be true. I saw her tonight, in town, in a bar.. she looked at me in the same odd way from accross the room. She left shorly after. I got home tonight, and her msn name is "...link removed name> - updated" I read it and she has updated her profile saying the same thing but with captal letters all over the place and addressing it to me directly. I have no idea what is going through her head. If she wanted me back she should just pick up the phone or text me, or just like talk to me in the freakin bar?. But instead she types all that * * * * on faceparty and indirectly directs me to it. I think she is going through a big guilt trip for sleeping around. Or she got dumped by one of her new lover boys. I just hope I can keep thinking straight and not get eveloped again by her web of doom.

Something has happened. She has been signing on MSN over the past 2 days with the name "if i could turn back time - made so many mistakes". I had a feeling this was to do with me, I was right. She changed her faceparty, with her perfect partner being "my perfect partner will always be (me)". And wrote a long spiel about missing me, making mistakes after dumping me, and how she wants me to know how much she thinks of me. * * * is she doing? She doesn't contact me. My first guess was she wants me back. But, more reasonably, it could just be her feeling guilty and her way of saying sorry, or it could just be she got lonely over valentines day. Either way, I can't want her back after all this.. .. right?

My last post was a couple of weeks ago about seeing my ex with a new guy. Well, the past few days I have felt almost indifferent about the situation. I have hardly thought about her at all. Maybe I'll hit another low, but I doubt it? This seems so odd, 2 weeks ago I thought I'd never get over her, but now if I think about her I just feel anger rather than sorrow. In fact I smile about it to myself sometimes. I've been going out a lot recently, girls have approached but I turned them down. She is using guy(s) physically and emotionally to get over me, I have decided not to do the same. This has been a huge blow, and I'm doing so well, I don't want to ruin my quest to regain my independance.

Thanks to everyone for all the replies. bkjsun. I read your entire thread. Seems we are in a pretty similar situation. Thanks for that. I am best friends with her brother (thats how I met her), and we have been staying up drinking a couple of times this week together. He told me more than I needed to know really (I asked for it though). But basically he said she is using other guy(s) to get over me. She acts so weak and pathetic in front of me. She wouldn't dare hold hands or kiss another guy with me there. When she emailed me she just apologises and says how broken her heart is. Her msn name is ' forever'. I think she just feels guilty for dumping me. About 3 months before splitting up with me she was going on about getting engaged, and hinting at me getting a ring. It all suddenly turned around so fast. Why should I act strong in front of her? Does it matter how she sees me? I don't think I really care how she sees me anymore. For some reason, today, I have been feeling oddly indifferent about the situation. I guess knowing she is with someone else helps me finally get it into my head that this girl isn't coming back. I know the pain will come right back at me and stab me in the heart, probably when I'm lonely, but for now I feel relieved in some way.

Some of you may have been following my story, but long story short, she dumped me. I go out on the weekends to the bars in the town. I have done for the past several years. after she dumped me she has been going out too. It's not a big town, and I end up seeing her occasionally. tonight I saw her come into the same bar as me with a guy, they weren't holding hands or anything, but she saw me and had this stupid guilty looking face on her, I said hello, she said hi, and they go upstairs. My nightmares have finally come true. This **** hurt so bad, I am struggling so much. She pretended she wasnt with him. When she dumped me, I told her if I saw her with everyone else, I'd kill him (yeah, stupid thing to say I admit), so she hides it from me. But now I know she is with someone else for sure. How the hell do I get over her when I see her with other people? I'm not going to stop going to bars in town, that's what I do on the weekend. But WHY do I find it impossible to even LOOK at other girls, when she is doing all that ****? Obviously she has completely fallen out of love with me, but I'm still in love with her! It makes me feel so stupid. Why can I not tell her to get ****ed and get on with my life. OK, having written all that I realise there's not a whole great point in this thread. But I am just VENTING

Well, I messaged her on MSN just now, and I am very glad I did. I finally have ultimate closure of this prolonged nightmare. She kept telling me to move on, and that things would never work. Fine, but why couldn't she just tell me that instead of leaving me hanging for so long? Also she is indeed seeing that other guy, I can tell, although for some reason she wouldn't say so. So complete NC from now on. So right now I feel relieved, things can only get better and I no longer suffer from HOPE. But man, am I * * * *ing HURTING

Hi, thanks for replying. First of all, I do not think she cheated on me while we were together. Perhaps we are using different interpretations of the word 'cheating', but I would be my life that nothing physical occurred between them before she dumped me. I also fear that it's a big excuse to spend time with the other guy. But I am not certain. Are you sure this is the best thing to do? What if her email was sincere, and all I need to do is prove I 'forgive' her and we can work things out? (Though I doubt that is whats happening, just an example). I have had NC with her for 2 weeks now. I spoke to a mate the other day and he said him and one of her friends were talking about us, and they think that if I don't talk to her soon, I won't ever get her back. But if she still wants me, and isn't seeing this other guy, then why did she not respond to my email? Is anyone else reading? Is NC the right way to go?

guys, if anyone has read this and has any thoughts on what I should do, please post them She is signed in on msn, set to away mode, but I know she is there sometimes... I really want to say something sometimes. I just don't know what. I don't want to screw this up again, I don't want to give up on her.

thanks. But I decided not to get the book. The only way I have been able to deal with the pain is by not thinking about her and distracting myself. I'm bumping this thread, cause i'm still in the same situation - I hope someone can advise me. She sent me this email on the 18th Jan: (Sorry to quote the entire thing, but I think its all important) i just want you to know i am sorry for everything i have ever put you through. You are the most amazing person and deserve to be treated far better than i ever did. I hate the thought of you thinking that you made all the mistakes believe me all i remember is us happy and me being happy with you, it was me who messed up. I cant get over it, inside the guilt is slowing killing me. Im sorry for sending you this, i just want you to know i do still think of you but i cant bear to see you, it makes me hate myself. All i can say is im so glad that i had you in my life and can look back and smile, even if it hurts knowing what i have lost its better i had you once than not at all. I'm sorry for all the pain i put you through, im sorry for eveything. I'll never forgive myself. Im not who i used to be anymore. I just dont seem to be finding my way in life. I hope one day i can be alright again. Its not all because of whats happened between us but home as well. i feel i only have half a heart and no mind. I hope you dont hate me. I sit in dazes thinking how much you must hate me, it hurts but nothing more than i deserve. im not looking for sympathy, dont think i am, just need you to know i am sorry, so sorry i truly am. -------------- and I replied a couple of days later, basically saying I don't hate her, I do not blame her or resent what she did, and I also implied that I think we should get back together. I saw her Friday night in a local bar, and we just said hello as I walked past. Normally she'll come over and chat for a minute or two, but this time she didnt, but I didn't either. Another point is that one of my friends (female) talks to my ex on the phone, they spoke last week and my ex told the friend that she still loves me. But if that is true then why does she not have me then?? She doesn't even log on MSN to talk anymore. Please advise me. I am close to writing her an email tonight, but I don't know if it's a good idea. I am CLUELESS as to what I should do next.

I have another lengthy post HERE : But in an attempt to summarise: I was with my ex girlfriend for just under 3 years, relationship was very healthy and happy but it eventually went stale - my fault, not giving her enough attention, she broke it off. She had a brief fling with another guy 3 days after breaking up with me. She decided she still wanted me and we got back together a couple of months after that for a couple of weeks, things were swell and she sent me texts etc saying she wants us to be together forever. I found out about the other guy and got annoyed that she was with someone else so soon after the breakup, and I get blinded by irrational emotion and go nuts and tell her where to go (29th Dec). Over next few days she begged me to 'forgive' her and her mum phoned me asking the same. I then decide I was stupid and I want her back (early January). But now she doesn't want me back. Her parents and brother want us to get back together, I do not know what her friends are telling her. She is claiming to be "going nuts" and is seeing a therapist once a week who has put her on anti depressants. She said she doesn't want to see me until she can 'get herself together'. Therapist has advised her not to see me until she can pull herself together and "get her confidence back". On 3rd january she invited me for dinner, I expected to get back together but we ate and talked a bit and she basically said she doesn't want to get back together at the moment. Over the past two weeks she texted me occasionally, and spoke on MSN to me asking me how I am but not much more. I have not mentioned anything about the relationship out of respect for her wishes. I saw her and talked to her on the 13th in a bar (by coincidence), she was with friends, one of whom could have been the guy she had that fling with but I didn't ask as she seemed very on edge. She wished me a happy birthday via text on 14th Jan, but I didn't see her. I haven't heard from her since. I think she is getting back with, or falling for, the other guy. So. Am I doing the right thing by giving her space? Should I mention how I feel at all? I have been completely neutral towards her with regards to expressing my feelings, and have only spoken to her in polite conversation. But I WANT her back. But, probably not if she is now with this other guy. I think she is obligated to tell me if she is with him, right? After all I am left hanging, spending every moment of solitude analysing everything (which I know is not good but it has to happen sometimes) and wracking my brains over what the hell is going on. If you have read this far, then thank you very much, and please advise me if possible. ](*,)

OK Miss M, I appreciate your time and comments, however.. I have just reread the thread and fail to see where you have got the term 'abuse' from. All I have said is that in the final few months of the relationship I stopped having sex with her, ignored her more than I should have and failed to attend to her emotional needs. Is that abuse? We were together 3 years, I was always kind to her, I got on well with her family, my parents loved her, I took her out, spent money, loved her, treated her... she was very happy with me... right up until those final few months where it steadily deteriorated into nothing really more than a lack of attention, so I do not appreciate you using the word 'abuse'. Yes I FAILED her but it was unintentional and I understand what I did wrong now and why I did it. So I admit to failing her towards the end, but I disagree completely that I am not good enough for her.

well guys, thank you once again.. The more I think, the more I think I should give up on this relationship.. seems impossible. I got in tonight and found 4 pages of A4 letters under my bed, handwritten by her, dated August 2005, pleading with me to give her more attention and care for her more etc. I don't even remember reading that letter. I guess that explains a lot!!! I think I got into a real rut with this girl and took her for granted. I admit that completely right now and I know why this all happened. But trying to get her back is causing me so much pain, I KNOW I blew it, but I also KNOW I could be a good boyfriend again if I was given the chance, cause I love this girl and we had a good relationship for most of the time. and I am really a good natured person, I just let myself slip and throw it all away. But I have absolutely no idea how I can prove this to her if I am unable to talk to her. She texted me last night saying "Just a message to say hi and i hope you are ok. I know you don't need to hear it but i'm coping badly right now. Such a mess. I hope ur in town having a good night. Don't think i don't think of you. I saw you in (local bar) last night, was too nervous to say hi. I hope u don't think badly of me 4 that. I don't know whats going on with me. I'm a wreck. Its not ur worry tho. I'm trying to get right. Sorry to go on. I'm supposed 2 work early tomoz i don't feel i can do it but i'm going to try. Night night x" I haven't yet replied (24 hrs..). I honestly have no idea how to proceed now if I want to get her back. Should I reply or what?

ok Miss M. Thank you very much. You talk a lot of sense. It's just so heart breaking... the couple of weeks when we were back together leading up to new years were perfect, I took her out and stuff and she said she loved me all the time, just like she always wanted, and she was so happy with me. I think if I never found out about this other guy then we would still be fine now. Then when I found out about him and castigated her, she was hell bent on getting me back. So what has happened. It appears the intervention of either the other guy, the therapist, or both has caused this. So I have decided to not contact her. For some reason this seems strangely easy this time.