Lokylom

I have decided to stay out of the military, she agreed to sign the divorce on the basis of uncontested infidelity, (I later found out she cheated on me after we were married also). Hopefully she will get the help she requires and becomes a stable happy person again. For my daughters sake at least. But the odds of that are slim. She was approached by our pastor and made aware that if she filed for divorce she would be "unrepentant of her sin and an unbeliever", hence she would be excommunicated for a lack of better words. So with her losing church at stake she still said she would pursue a divorce. I decided that iff she ever was going to get the help she needed she needed at least that tool to better herself. By her getting kicked out she would be that much farther from dealing with her issues, so I took the fall and gave her the divorce. Perhaps one day she will realise the mistakes she has made in life and the bridges she has burned, buit I told her I would always be willing to help her iff she needed it. And that I forgave her for everything she had done. Good luck to her, and her jetset life style. I cannot allow her to continue to drag me down the ditch. My daughter needs me to be stable. Even if my soon to be ex-wife refuses to be. I tell ya though, it really gives you self-worth issues. Also she had mentioned that she had no feelings of remorse for anything she did. Not one ounce of guilt for intentionally hurting the one you love. She truly has a long hard road to travel.

I now what you are saying, the problem is with her I have to allow her the space to heal, as a friend of mine told me. Let go and let god. She is reverting back to her teenage lifestyle, I feel she misses it. She recently painted her finger nails black. She wants to get back into dancing. And for our daughters sake I hope she finds herself, because I cannot allow my daughters childhood to be tarnished by her mother being promiscuous, exotic dancing, drugs...I WILL NOT allow my daughter to be exposed to that. And she probably won't but the possibility is there, and it scares me. Right now she is in oh poor me, look at what I have to endure, everyone look at me. I am a war veteran, I've been to war. I've seen death. I know that in my heart, nothing I experienced over in "there" can compare to the pain I feel right now. I am planning on going back into the military here shortly. Most likely the marines. How can I let go? I have no Idea as to how to let go of something your trying to save. To me thats giving up. Giving in, giving her the reason she needs to finally leave. I would never forgive myself for that. But then again she has lef tme twice before, and came back. I know she would again...after some time. After she realised what she had and lost, but I don't know if I will be able to take her back after that. There are worse things than death, and this is one of them. Now I have made my mistakes in the past, I have made huge ones, I wasn't the husband she needed me to be for a long time. But I realised what I needed to do to be there for her and did it. I know that I contributed to this, I KNOW. If I lose this war. She is the one. I know this through and through. I love her on a spiritual level I never knew, it was enough to even make a religious man out of me. If this is a test of my faith, I can tell you, if it fails, I will lose mine. Period. I was blessed with a gift, a very very beautiful woman that loved me for who I was, and Let me love her to my fullest ability. How is that ok to be ripped away? ITS NOT. She once told me she wanted me to be closer to religion so that we could be together in heaven. How do I let go with out letting go? Everyone told me that if I fix myself she will come around, that when she saw that she was leaving and I still stood, even without her. SHe would realise what she was walking away from. By getting my life together she would see the mistake she was making.

I know the situation could be resolved somehow, but I don't want to live the life I lead without her. I know this is a big statement, but I had and have that fariytale type love for her. She needs to give me a fair chance to prove to her that I can be more than she ever expected or wanted in a husband. I definitely have the motivation, my daughter and her. She still loves me dearly I know this and still cares very much about me. I wish I was more socially aware as I know tis would help me greatly in delaing with the current situation. I know that if I could understand her better I could help resolve the situation. I will ALWAYS hold out hope for her...always. For me she is THE ONE, ya know? I know she's immature, but I also am as well in certain circumstances. Finances are a big part of her decideing factor of what is important to her in a relationship, and I suck with them. But I am willing to go to school or whatever else would be needed to get better with them. With every ounce of my being and soul, I love this woman. I would tear down the gates of hell just to spend another minute with her.

The problem is she's playing game's, she's had an outside negative influence the whole time, another woman going through a divorce....that wants her to move in with her. I know this is a very very bad situation as I cannot confront this other woman without "dooming" myself, misery loves company, thats where alot of these mean hurtful things are coming from. Which is completely out of character for her. I am amazed at how passively hurtful, "I am settling for you and know I can do better" can be. I finally ate today, two pieces of dry toast...It's a start. Perhaps she should get on here. And talk with some of the wonderful people on here. I KNOW it would benefit her. Ultimately I want her to be happy no matter what that means, I never knew how hard that was to say, until I told her that. As far as me loving her? It is incredible how much I love this woman. Through thick and thin I would be there for her. Always, even if she decided I had nothing to offer her. The problem I'm having, is she felt that way about me once....And in the space of three months she "fell out of love with me" I know I want to blame this outside negative influence, for sure it has some dealings with the regression of the progress I make with my wife. But when is she goin to wake up...and realise that misery loves company...when she too is miserable? I don't want my wife to hurt like I do, no one, not even my greastest enemy deserves that. Well, anyways I'm trying to push her out of my mind and "disconnect" myself from her so that I don't cause myself anymore pain than is already here. But I will never, never stop loving her. thats what hurts the most. Its a hard thing to admit defeat when you know you can never give up. And I can't, I may sign divorce papers, but your right I will never be the same, I COULD never be the same without her. I was truly happy with her.

We were in the living room playing uno, a nice little game ya know? Well I noticed she was acting all down and dreary. So I asked her what was wrong she said nothing and I said ok. Later on she says she had been thinking alot about the situation and one of her core problems with it, is she felt she was "settling" for me and that she could do alot better than me. Correct me if I'm wrong but her attitude the other night was alot better. I think shes getting advice from an outside source, thats feeding her lines. Ethier way I was deeply hurt and told her that by settling for someone that accepted you for all of your faults, and still truly loving you, and by treating you like a queen, that you are settling, than you have a more severe problem than I can help you with. I told her it wasn't fair to put the situation on me, and that she created the situation and couldn't understand how a comment like that would insinuate that it was my fault. Shes 21 shadow, sorry i forgot to put that in my last post. After this I told here that I was going to say that I was very proud of her to fight her judgement, and to make a good effort at making th relationship work. But at this point, she does and says meanful things like this on a constant basis, I know she is trying to drive me away and thats fine. If she can be that mean to me she obviously doesn't love or care about me enough to not do something to hurt me. How do I fall out of love? I don't want to hate her but she's pushing me that way...and I DO NOT hate ANYBODY. I believe that hating someone is wrong. But I'm starting to hate her. I think she's bi-polar. And is going to be miserable for the rest of her life, and as bad as it sounds, she somewhat deserves it, god forgive me for saying that.Let me stop before I say something I can't take back. What NOW?! this is getting rediculous ](*,) I feel bad about not being good enough for her, and I'm feeling super depressed about it. Without so many words, I could be "that" depressed, I feel that way sometimes. Ethier way I feel completely hopeless. Lost and alone now. I have been betrayed. Beatin emotionally, how much is enough? Will she ever come around and be the person I married? (HUGE sigh)

The other night she asked to speak with my parents and I and talk as a group. (she uses my parents as marraige counsellors right now). After some discussion, we came to the comprimise, that I would move into the spare bedroom. While she took the time she needed, thank you for the suggestion on the book. I'll pick it up tonight. And she definitely does need help on her own. Everyone came to that agreement the other night (her included). And she said she would see a theropist, I found one that she can tlak to and see if . I wish I could get her on here to talk with you guys. The opinion I got from my parents was that she was very unsure about herself and that she really didnt want to leave, or to stay, she had no clue. These are her actions as things ave been going on. She flirts with me, yet tells me she doesn't have any romantic interest in me. She agrees that me moving into the guest bedroom will not "hindering her healing process" yet the other night told me it was ok for me to sleep in the same bed as her when I offered to sleep on the couch. She still gives me a kiss every morning before she goes to work, (I'm supposedly asleep . But refuses to kiss me any other time, because she has no physical attraction to me. (when we discussed this it turned out to be a survival trait for someone trying to lessen the pain of seperation for themselves, and reasoned that it was unhealthy for someone trying to fix the relationship.) Also reasoned in the discussion was that her entire life she had only seen how to successfully get out of a relationship with as little pain as possible, and not actually how to make it work. Her actions don't depict that of what she says. Last night she finally realised that I loved her entirely for all of her pros AND her cons. No matter what she did, I would try to help her make it right. And she understood the rareity of that kind of love. I honestly never knew I could love someone so much until I met her, and then had my daughter. It came to my knowledge that she is still ahving serious trouble dealing with the death of her ex-fiance, (he was shot in the passenger seat of her car, she freaked out (understandably) and drove into a telephone pole trapping him, he died in her arms.) She wore his engagement ring for years after that and after we had dated for some time she came to me one night and took the ring off telling me that she was finally ready to take the ring of, and that she wished to spend her life with me. So now our situation is that we're going to be living in the same house, me in the guest bedroom, her in master. the problem is I don't know where to go from here. I've become much more religious since the situation and that helps some. But I'm so stressed out that if I eat I get sick. So I haven't eaten in a week now. I force myself to drink water and take vitamins, just to keep going. I have so many wonderful memories with her, that I would never trade anything for. It was suggested that my wife and I need to relearn each other. Perhaps this is a way to go? I know her through and through, but perhaps she's lost sight of who I am. I'll try asking questions. But other than that I'm lost besides going to theropy. My parents (who have been married 26 years and still strong.) tell me that I need to prepare for the worst should it come, but believe that there is still alot of hope. Thank you all for everything. Any ideas?

Its not a pros and cons list about the relationship. Its a pros and cons list about an Idea I had, I suggested that I move into our spare bedroom. Ethier way, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm so "in-love" with this woman, I can't let go, we haven't filed for divorce yet, and I'm already in distress. I feel that now she is just thinking of reasons to justify her leaving, and not of reasons to work on the relationship. I'm so lost.

She tossing you a "life ring" to see if you still care about her. She feels bad about what she did. Tell her honestly how you feel, Pro's and Con's don't leave out the fact that you messed up, but reassure that you know what you did and are willing to fix the situation. You may have a shot here, those who don't take the leap of faith will never know the joy of success. I go by the theory of, if you are too unstable enough to "not" cheat on me, then break up with me out of respect. You know more about the situation than I do. If you KNOW that it was your fault. Good luck. Ethier way call her and resolve the situation, you'll know what descision would be right for you if you talk to her.

The problem I'm having is that she has the all the qualities I need to be happy in her. She's a perfect match for me but. she doesn't know if I'm a match for her. She loves me, and cares about me but is not "in love" with me. I hate that phrase...And just now actually she told me she had made a pro's and con's list and wished to talk to me about it. Now I'm feeling a real sense of panic, what do I do?

After a talk with my wife over dinner, I finally got to the root of the problem. She feels that as she grew up she was a "serial dater" never looking for what made her happy about being with a person. She feels that she needs to move out and live independently without me in her life, of course still helping with our daughter, in order to find what she truly finds in someone that makes her happy. I told her that she needed to go to a counsellor to help her find that certain "thing" in a person that makes her happy. And that we needed to go to a marriage counsellor also, perhaps they could shed light onto something I or anyone else hadn't thought about. Afterwards I told her that I wouldn't feel comfortable or settled unless I had exhausted every last option to try and make the marriage work. She followed up with, as it is. "If the quality that I needed, was in you I would stay with you." (not giving me false hope...I hope). I pray about every twenty minutes for her to receive guidance in this. After our conversation I told her that " After she had found what made her happy in someone, and we had exhausted all options and our marraige was an impossbility because I wouldn't be able to make her happy, that I would rather take the loss and her be happy than to have to be stressed out about being in a relationship that couldn't make her happy." Any advice would be greatly apprichiated, I don't know how long I can put up a fascade, that everything is going to be ok, when deep inside I'm completely crushed and torn apart....heartbroken. Again, thank you all that reply.

Getting to the heart of any problem is always the hardest part. I can understand what you are trying to accomplish by going to couple's counselling with him. But his problems aren't with you its with himself. He needs to go to individual counselling to figure out how to deal with them, and then couple's counselling to learn how to apply the changes in his life to better himself for his family. Maybe it was how I was raised, but family, by far is the most important single aspect of any human's life. You must truly love this fellow for going through such extreme's to help him. But remember unless HE reconises the things he does as a problem, no amount of counselling will help. If you truly love him, I say do the best you can for him, but unless he has a realisation, an epiphany or some or miraculous life changing event, don't expect him to mature. The only thing you truly can control is you. Don't let him wear you down and be strong. If it is destine to work out it will, if not you'll be the better person for being there for him, and he will eventually realise that. But unfortunately, you can't make someone learn. just remember be strong and take care of yourself. then him.

I an personally relate to quite a few people in this thread, with just my current wife I'm in heavy heavy counselling in. I know what it feels like to put my entire heart into a relationship, and entrust the "other" with treating it with respect and love. The way I deal with it is this: I separate myself from the situation, take a look at reality, realise that no matter what happened could have happened, etc. things happened this way. And there is nothing you can do to change it. Do you think your ex is going through similar pain? Then why should you. Don't confuse other emotion's into it like fear, paranoia, anger. It will only make you feel worse. Take a deep breath, realise that things went the way they did for whatever reason, and learn from it. You'll be a stronger person afterwards for it. You already know you need help, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here. Take care, and know that there are other people out there with good traits and principals. One last quick note, try helping other people, it always makes me feel better. ~lil D man

No, it's not. I want total commitment as anyone would. But until she works through whatever issue's she may be dealing with, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I understand your point, but things between us are fantastic until a certain amount of time passes by and then she starts having issues again.

Hello everyone, I am certainly in Dire Straights with my marriage. My wife and I have a 9 month old daughter. My wife had been acting funny for quite some time. Finally I got her to tell me what was bothering her. She wanted to leave. There we some comprimises that we had made that I failed to fulfill. No problem right? She agree'd to go to counselling, and we recomprimised. During the whole time she refused to be intimate with me, what so ever. She felt that she had a severe lack of respect for me due to me negligence to fulfill my prior comprimises. Well for the duration of the period of which I had fulfilled my comprimises she constantly made comments like "we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, you on one end want to stay in the relationship and that woukld make you happy. I on the other had want to leave and that would make me happy. Ethier way one of us gets hurt." then when I talked to her a bit more she would say the relationship was "maybe" salvageable. Well 6 weeks went by and one day after my emotions had been completely run ragged. I confronted her (in a calm and polite manner) My argument being that it was unfair for me to be putting in my 150% and she was just flopping back and forth with her commitments. She then told me she had cheated on me during our engagement on multiple occasions with multiple partners. All noted, I struggled on. During the whole conflict all she would talk about is her, her, her. When I finally had enough of that I asked her what about our daughter? Don't you want to at least make an honest effort at this and try to form a stable parental unit for her. She agreed again to go to counselling (still she always had an excuse not to go). Upon realising that my efforts may all be in vain. I asked her for an honest answer. Not a "maybe". And she told me that she wanted to leave definitely and she had already made arrangements to move out. Upon hearing this I made one last deperate attempt at resolving the situation, purely for my daughter at this point. And she agreed to go see a counsellor with me next weekend. I called made the appointment. Then she repeatedly started argueing with me that no matter what she wanted to leave. Every sense in me tells me to let her go. But this has happen two other times in our relationship. She always came back. I finally talked her into at least talking to a psychiatrist, as there must be an underlying circumstance as to why she has this pattern of emotional instability. But unfortunately she left to go out with a friend of her's, took our daughter with her, and hasn't returned since. Now I am in complete disarray. I'm worried about who she's talking too, what advice their giving her (good or bad). The well being of my daughter, a million thoughts are rushing through my mind. On the last note, I apologise this is a lengthy topic. Her relationship background is extremely rough. She is an ex-stripper, her fathers been divorced 4 times her mother 4 times. I know I went up agains't all odds here. But, I love her. Thanks for all those who took the time to read this.