What's her motivation?

[keefy1972]

My ex called me last night and I'm just curious as to her motivation. I've been trying to do NC for the last two weeks. Well, over a week ago she called me from her cell phone. I didn't answer, no message and I didn't call her back. Then a few nights ago I was on Messenger and she popped online. She messaged me saying, "I have some stuff to do online, but wanted to say hi first". So I took this to mean, "I'm very busy so don't even think about having a conversation with me, but I don't want you to be able to say that I'm ignoring you, so I will say hi". I just replied with, "Hey there, do what you gotta do". A few minutes go by and she says, "Okay, well have a good evening". I say, "you too". and that was that.

 

Two days later she shows up where I'm working (she works there too, just in totally different departments) and I didn't speak to her. She was right in front of me and I just looked at her as if she was anyone else in the world and went back to work. That was the end of that.

 

Then last night my cell phone rings and it was a number that seemed familliar but I couldn't quite place it. So I answered it and it was her. She was calling me from home. It's the first time she has called me from her home number in a very long time. That's why it didn't quite register with me as to who it was. Anyways, after my surprise wore off a little we talked and I told her how arrogant her IM to me was and she was acting totally shocked that I took it that way. Well, she went on to explain that, what she meant was, she wanted to talk but didn't want to get involved in any relationship talk ("but I expected more of a conversation than just two words".) In my opinion, it is making her a bit nervous that I'm no longer jumping through hoops for her. After we got the initial, "are you mad at me?" and "No, I'm not, I'm living my life" stuff out of the way, we went on and had a very nice conversation. I realize that the conversation means nothing because she didn't say, "let's give us another shot", but I am curious as to what prompts her to do these things? She knows I'm trying to move on and we both agreed that we can never be "just friends". It seems that, even though she is back with her ex before me, she is deathly afraid of letting me stray to far.

 

I don't understand why, when someone dumps you, they can't just leave you alone and allow you to do what you need to do to move on. Why must they always "dangle a carrot"?

[newts]

No idea, they need to learn to though. I suppose they maybe scared of what their future hold in their current relationship. I think they should just stick by the choice they made and leave us dumpees alone!

[kellbell]

Hi Keefy!

 

Well, dumpers tend to still feel guilty about leaving and no one likes being hated. Plus, you not talking to her takes her out of her comfortzone.Iknow you don't hate her but it doesn't matter. I think the best thing for you is to continue to NC. You are doing great.

[lonelyfish]

Could it be that maybe things with her ex are not that great and she's trying to see if she still has feelings for you, maybe she's keeping her options open which could be good or bad, just don't wan't to see you get played!

[dancesinquicksand]

When your with someone for a period of time. Even if that time is not all good. You get attached. You care, and give and go through things together. And even when you move on, and its over for whatever reason. Its still hard to let go of all the things that were between you. When your the person walking away, you tell yourself that all that stuff doesn't matter, or its not a big enough reason to stay. And maybe your right or maybe your just being young and selfish. Whatever reason she had for moving on she is second guessing. Now I'm not saying she wants you back. Its just bugging her that you seem to nolonger want her anymore. When she left, she didn't realize that it would hurt to not have you care anymore. Dont give in. She is not being sincere. Only selfish. She needs to know that even though she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. You're still there. And that is not fair to you in any form. Keep moving forward. You obviously deserve sooo much more.=D>

[OCD]

Wow Keefy...

It does seem like she's a little confused...it rings a bell for me It's hard for me to give advice, but perhaps just keep it cool with her. You don't have to totally go out of your way, but just be nice, like you would with anyone else. You told her that you couldn't be friends, so she must know this and she might just be curious about you. I don't think her IM was that strange, she was just being polite I think, but I don't know this person. I think you're doing great just acting like she's anyone else...that'll make her feel uncomfortable and might make her think twice....

 

OCD

[Meesterjojo]

I don't understand why, when someone dumps you, they can't just leave you alone and allow you to do what you need to do to move on. Why must they always "dangle a carrot"?

 

 

I'm in the same boat- I finally go NC and the ex, whom I also work with (but in different departments) makes almost as much if not more contact than before I started NC. what the heck!?

 

I'm slowly building up a rage/anger with her- I consider her selfish: trying to ease her guilt and remain comfortable at my emotional expense. It's the same with you. Don't give them the satisfaction.

 

If my ex wants a friend so g/d bad then she needs to talk more to one of the 2 guys she's sleeping with. She says there's no emotion with them, and they're just there for affection/comfort.

 

Don't give them the power, and don't let them see you angry just yet. Perfect indifference is my key. Of course everytime I see her my belly does funny things.

[Lil Punkin]

Keefy...

 

She's trying to throw you a "bone" (not THE bone) and see if you're gonna take the bait. Don't do it!!!! You have come way too far with your NC....sounds like what one of the other posters said...she's just out of her comfort zone with you and she feels out of control by not calling the shots. This does NOT mean she wants to get back together!!! It simply means she's trying to get control of those "puppet strings" again and make sure you're still dancing for her. She sounds very selfish....being with someone else, and yet not allowing you to move forward. She knows EXACTLY what she's doing...especially if you have TOLD her where you stand. DO NOT..I REPEAT...DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER!!!! Stay focused..and stay strong with NC!!! It's time to make HER squirm!!!

[Day_Walker]

She does it because she is probably that kind of person. What you have to do is take a stand and that means since you said you cant be friends then that means we dont talk. I wouldnt take anything she says personal she could be doing because she thinks that she is being nice. Take a stand and you will have a lot less problems with this.

[frecklegirl]

Keefy, as you once reminded me........do NOT settle for a bone!

[keefy1972]

Wow, I guess it's unanimous, she is missing out on "pulling my strings". It's kind of what I figured. That's not my cup of tea. No thanks!

[rx7]

All of these people are right on the money.

 

I lived what you are living in my brkup.... Once she's out of her comfort zone and you are not 'dancing' when she blesses you with her attention you will really see her squirm.

 

In my case it went so far as to her wanting me back eventually, but not until the power had totally flipped. One day you may have the choice, however in the meantime live your life like you never want to be with her again.

 

I got emotionally tossed around by letting the puppet strings back on, and I encourage you NOT to do the same

[keefy1972]

Thanks rx7.