need someone to talk to

[pilot1ab]

Hi I am going through a rough time right now, and my situation is really bad. I just need some compassionate ears to hear me out and maybe to give me advise. Alright, here's my story in a nutshell. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. We were together for a little over a year, and she was and still is the love of my life. We fell in love so strongly, and I know she loved me with all her heart and soul. She was what I have been waiting and searching for my whole life, and now she's gone. Everything seemed to be going great, and just the week before she ended it we were making more future plans. She was still telling me how gratefull she is that we came together and how lucky she is to have me. Less than a week later, she told me that although she still loves me, she can't pull out the same feelings and give to me like she did before. I asked what happened? Did I do something? She told me that it was nothing I did, and its not about me. She said that she doesn't feel the same anymore and she is going through something right now. She said it isn't fair to me to be with her, because she can't pull it out of her to be like she was. She also said it isn't fair to me to ask me to wait for her while she sorts out her feelings, because there would be no guarantee they would come back.

 

God this hurts. I am in so much pain, there are times I feel that I just can't bear it. Every minute of every day I think of her, and wonder what happened. I thought she was my soulmate and we would be together for life. We weren't fighting, there was no cheating, things appeared to be going great and everyday I loved her more and more. I cry everyday. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've lost so much weight in the last 2 months. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I can't talk to anyone about all this. I tried to talking to an old friend of mine, and all I get is "Just let her go", "Move on", "Suck it up and be a man", "Go out and get laid". I don't want to go out and get laid. I don't want to date. I've never been one of these guys that just cares about sex. Since I was a kid in high school, I just wanted to find my soulmate and I thought I found her. No one understands. No one cares. I feel so alone and everytime I try to focus on the positive things, all I see is a bleak future.

 

What makes things worse, is I don't even have the option to do the no contact thing. Boy I really made a mess of my life. First off we work together, and about 6 months ago we both bought houses a bit far from our work. So we have a 3 hour round trip commute to make, and we work 12 hour shifts. We also transferred to night shift so we would have the reverse commute, and on night shift our department drops our staff to just 2. Yes Ladies and Gentleman its just me and her here. I don't have the option of finding a job somewhere else currently, and we have to commute together for financial reasons. Also I don't know anyone where I live now, so I can't even go out to socialize and be around friends. All of our friends live to far away now. I don't have much options right now.

 

It is breaking my heart to look at her and all I want to do is hold her tight. How could she just stop loving me like that? How could she so easily walk away? She still cares for me, but this doesn't seem to be affecting her. She is her normal self, and she seems to be ok with things. God I wish I can express in words what my emotions are.

 

Sorry this was so long. There is so much more I want to say and get out. I have not talked about this to anyone or really let out my feelings. There is no one. Everyday I have to suck it up and show the world a normal happy guy, while on the inside I am torn up and feel that my soul has been ripped out. It takes all of my strength just to keep the tears back while I'm at work. I am glad I found this forum. Reading others posts has shown me that no I am not weak because I feel. I am not less of a person because I cry everyday. It just seems like this pain will never go away, and I am stuck seeing her everyday. I feel like I will never heal.

 

Anyways I guess I'm rambling. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Also if I could use this forum to write and communicate with people who DO understand. Thank you all for listening.

[Hawk]

Pilot - firstly welcome to the forum....all of us who come to visit have treaded the same path as you and know exactly how you are feeling at this point.

 

I guess the good news is that this is the low point, and as slow as the path to healing is, each day gets a little bit better than the last ...you still have days when you feel that you have been knocked back to square one, but by and large you do make progress.

 

I sympathise with you about having to seeyour ex every day - I am in the same situation as we still share our house together while it is selling. This past week has been a little better because while here son is on holidays she is staying with a girlfriend and her niece. I have to say that when you can go the NC route completely it really does help.

 

I wanted the same things that you wanted, but you can't make someone do something that they don't want. Until you can go complete NC, try as best you can when you see her to be upbeat and positive - DON'T talk about the relationship and where it went wrong. If space is what she wants, give it to her in spades.

 

The last piece of advice that I have only just taken on board is to take up a new hobby or one that you haven't done in ages. I am getting back into scuba diving - something that I used to love to do, but gave it away because my ex wasn't interested. Sometimes we give up so much to make others happy - what I have learned is that from here on in I make myself happy first and if others choose to share in that happiness then great.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Hi Pilot

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are still going through immense pain. It does feel like a huge kick in the gut when someone you love so much, and thought you had a wonderful relationship with, all of a sudden changes. And it's never easy...

 

I tried to talking to an old friend of mine, and all I get is "Just let her go", "Move on", "Suck it up and be a man", "Go out and get laid". I don't want to go out and get laid. I don't want to date. I've never been one of these guys that just cares about sex. Since I was a kid in high school, I just wanted to find my soulmate and I thought I found her. No one understands. No one cares. I feel so alone and everytime I try to focus on the positive things, all I see is a bleak future.

 

This is one of the major problems with male society - men always are portrayed as being strong, and it's seen as lame or weak to cry... "Be a man"... that kind of thing just doesn't sit right with me. You love her, you are still grieving because you don't know what went wrong. You are allowed to cry, and show this emotion, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't because it's 'girly'... this will help you move on.. you need that release of emotion to help yourself heal.

 

You really do need to cut off any communication with her, even if it's really painful. Put any photos, belongings, CD's or whatever in a box and put it away, hide it away and don't open it.. take up new hobbies and get some enjoyment out of life... it's the only way you will be able to get out of your ditch.

 

A number of people on this forum will probably agree that you should try out the proven and successful no contact as well... that's the only way you will be able to deal with things. Unless you rent out or sell your house to someone and move closer to work, I see that you are going to keep going around in circles with this depression...

 

And the hardest but best way to get over her, is to break old habits... take up new hobbies and interests... put yourself out there and spend more time with your mates...again, your location sounds like a problem but I guess something has to be done.. because otherwise with all this contact you are never going to get past the pain..

 

Just my point of view...

[Mun]

Hey you are in a really tough situation and I feel for you. Hang in there.

 

I don't know if your friends have told you this already, but it's my guess that this decision of hers is not a one day to another kind of thing... she was probably feeling out of love for awhile but just hadn't accepted it--or done anything about it. Don't know for sure, just my thoughts especially since she seems to be totally OK with things as they are now.

 

You do need to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of this relationship and no I don't think jumping into bed with someone else will solve anything. There is a topic in the Healing after Break up Section where a certain person jumped from one partner to another all the time missing and still loving the ex. So that's not always a "cure all" solution.

 

When you are ready, you should get out and socialize a bit. You need to make a new life for yourself in your new environment.

 

For now just hang in there, you will heal and you will move on...you just have to go through the pain first.

Post as much as you need. It does help

 

Love

[ggoman]

Hi Pilot,

 

I had quite a bit to write, so I sent you a private message (just letting you know in case you hadn't noticed). I've gone through something similar, and just wanted to give you some encouragement. Feel free to write me anytime.

[heloladies21]

Until you can get a new job (which should be done as soon as you can), best thing to do would be to go out and socialize. Force yourself if you have to, you need to get back out there. It will make you feel better.

[pilot1ab]

First let me say thanks to all of you for responding. This is why I am glad I found this forum, because everyone on here seems to understand and is not judgemental on a person for their pain.

 

Hawk, I know your right and only time will heal me. I tell myself this everyday, but its been 2 months and I still feel crushed. I guess the fact that we have to spend so much time together throws me back to square one everyday. I am also trying to be very positive and upbeat around her. No one has a clue that we broke up and no one ever sees my pain. The problem is that she can see right through me. She always has been able to. Each day that goes by its harder and harder for me to mask how I feel. I almost broke down today and talked to her about us. I wanted to once again tell her how much she means to me and how bad I want things to work. I did this shortly after we broke up and told her that what we had was good and I am willing to fight for it. I will do whatever it takes to save us. I told her that I am here to catch her fall, and let me help her through whatever she is going through. She said she doesn't want any help, and she wants to deal with it herself. She did try to make us work, but a week later it was the same thing. She doesn't have it in her anymore. Since then I have tried not to show her my pain, and haven't spoken of the relationship but each day I have a harder time swallowing my emotions and feelings.

 

Serendipity, I so agree with you about the male strong image. Why can't a man have emotion. I don't think of myself (when I am in my normal state of mind) as weak. But, I am a sensitive guy. Always have been. I don't cry at a drop of a hat, but I do feel and society doesn't seem to accept that.

 

Mun, your right that right now is not the time for jumping into bed with somebody. Even under normal circumstances its not the type of person I am, but especially now I have no want or desire for that. I just want someone to love and to be loved in return. I had that, and god knows what happened but she left me.

 

I thank all of you for your responses, if I don't reply back to them I just want everyone to know that I read everyword. Sometimes I am just at a loss for words. Hard to believe considering how long my posts are Anyways, I think I will use this thread to vent, and cry. I have tried to keep a journal at home, but it doesn't seem to help because I have no feedback. Maybe this will help. I hope so.

[sparticuss]

Long? Rambling?

Youve actually kept it short swet and consise pilot.

 

Let me start by saying I'm long term single so I can't understand your pain. But that single life has meant sharing house with separated guys by the dozen. And boy is that some education.

I CAN understand that you are in pain but thats about it. (You may be surprised at the number of people who think you are just being melodranitic, and don't literally mean it, when you say you cry every day.)

 

I can happily chew your ear with a few facts if that helps.

 

Now when you said "We fell in love so strongly, and I know she loved me with all her heart and soul." you wers so right. She loved you as the perfect man she had been searching for all her life. (Scratch scratcha cscratcha) Wadda mean hes not perfect? he is too!

Control tower to Pilot 1 your pigs are clear for take off. You aint perfect. I sure aint perefect. For a year she thought you were perfect and couldn't handle it when she found you were just plain good.

 

If everything seemed to be going great, and just the week before she ended it then thats normal too. Any pro counseller will tell you that the seperation announcement comes as a total shock to one party or the other in 90% of all cases. So thats still normal.

 

"Less than a week later, she told me that although she still loves me, she can't pull out the same feelings and give to me like she did before. "

And she can't. You are no longer PERFECT. So she can't worship you as a god because gods are perfect.

 

 

She said that she doesn't feel the same anymore and she is going through something right now.

==============

You may not be able to do diddly to help her but if she cant even TELL you what she's going through then you never had a soul mate.

=============

 

God this hurts. I am in so much pain, there are times I feel that I just can't bear it.

=============

It doesn't just hurt. It's dangerous. One in thirteen divorced guys suicides. What little help you are recieving here is nowhere near enough.

There is a specialist site called DIDs Dads in Distress which may be able to help you.

Else the suicide studies department at Griffith University in Australia

===============

 

 

I thought she was my soulmate

==============

And she thought you were perfect. Literally.

================

 

I cry everyday. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've lost so much weight in the last 2 months. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I can't talk to anyone about all this. I tried to talking to an old friend of mine, and all I get is "Just let her go", "Move on", "Suck it up and be a man", "Go out and get laid".

=============

NEVER talk to an old friend. eg Ask the silly ^&*( if s/he actually understands that you are crying, literally . Old friends can never understand. Even my experience and knowledge is all second hand so I can never understand properley.

==========

 

Since I was a kid in high school, I just wanted to find my soulmate and I thought I found her.

=================

You got that one right at least "you thought". Like I said earlier. You were after a soul mate. She was after a perfect men.

========================

 

No one understands. No one cares.

====================

Right again but backwards. No one understands the pain that the guys go through so how can they care? They believe that care is unnecessary. They genuinely believe that all you need do is get laid and you will forget her completely.

 

If you fancy driving a little knowledge into their thick skulls ask them to spring for a hooker for you and see how fast that makes you forget. Believe me I do know that it wont make you forget at all but you may be surprised the number of people who genuinely think it will.

===========================

 

I feel so alone and everytime I try to focus on the positive things, all I see is a bleak future.

===================

You may feel alone but believe me you arent.

 

For that one in thirteen who do kill themselves (can't talk to them. Theyre dead) there are anothe one in there or four who attempt it.

And they are out there. In boards like this one. Ask around.

===================

 

Also I don't know anyone where I live now, so I can't even go out to socialize and be around friends.

==================

What kind of friends though?. Understanding friends or friends who thing that getting laid will fix everything???

===============

 

God I wish I can express in words what my emotions are.

==============

Not a hope! If you could express these emotions in words you would be the greatest writer since, and including, Shakesphere. (Rotten joke but a true one)

 

Sorry this was so long. There is so much more I want to say and get out. I have not talked about this to anyone or really let out my feelings. There is no one.

================

There's a half dozen on this board for starters.

And I do mean for starters.

There's no one face to face, (and that makes a difference too) but theres plenty on thsese boards and others.

None of them (including me) can understand completely.

But I havent seen anybody on this board saying you should just "move on" Kinda hard when your heart feeels like lead and your feet feel like clay.

 

Keep in touch.

[theantibarbie23]

Now when you said "We fell in love so strongly, and I know she loved me with all her heart and soul." you wers so right. She loved you as the perfect man she had been searching for all her life. (Scratch scratcha cscratcha) Wadda mean hes not perfect? he is too!

Control tower to Pilot 1 your pigs are clear for take off. You aint perfect. I sure aint perefect. For a year she thought you were perfect and couldn't handle it when she found you were just plain good.

 

I don't understand how you can state that you know her reasoning behind breaking up with this man. I'm just curious as to how you came to this conclusion without any background information.

[lgirl]

pilot1ab, i totally know how you're feeling, especially the stuff about yr ex saying she can't guarantee her feelings for you will return. OUCH!! like you i couldn't eat or sleep or even think for more than 2 months (couldn't even watch the TV, couldn't concentrate on anything in a whole world of pain), was so blindsided by the break-up coming, like yours did, right out of the blue, right after he'd told me this was going to be "our year" (i thought i'd be getting a marriage proposal from him before the year was out. NEVER imagined how things would go…).

 

anyhoo, i finally got my appetite back after 6 months, but 8months on i'm still 'grieving', am still not over it but feeling angry, SO angry that things turned out the way they did (in my case my ex behaved so cruelly it's untrue). the 'good' news is that the time spent thinking about him or recalling our past together gets longer in between, ie. i can now go for longer intervals without thinking about 'him' (the guy i THOUGHT i knew), but i still end up thinking about him or some aspect of our r/shp every single day.

 

i am not trying to depress you, but to alert you to the fact that it's not just a simple case of missing your ex now she's gone. you've got the shock of the break-up to work through first, aside from the 'simple' matter of missing her and the r/shp you had together + there's grief for the loss of your future with someone you thought was yr soulmate – that REALLY hurts! people tell you to get out and socialise, but that made me feel even worse, especially as all you've got on the brain is yr ex + you feel so lousy anyway and don't want to be around others. basically, it's a long, slow process and you just have to take it a day at a time (you have no choice!) in order to feel better.

 

try and find stuff to distract you even if it's just buying a newspaper and going out to star*ucks for a coffee. do you do any sport/exercise? that can help to keep the depression in check, certainly lift it for a few hours (better than nothing, right?). and do write that journal of yours. you might not get any feedback, but it will help you get it all out (sadly friends, no matter how great, simply aren't prepared to go into all that detail with you). also, you may find as i have, that while you're writing stuff starts to occur to you, so you start to understand yourself better and develop a clearer perspective about what happened and why.

 

i could go on. but the one thing i want to leave you with is this: it's HER loss even though you're grieving now. remember that and please make finding a new job a priority. you have to put some distance between you.

 

hugs and hang on in there!!

[Dako]

Pilot,

 

If one of my friends recommended getting laid as a cure for a broken heart, I'd find a new friend with half a brain. If I heard the insulting "suck it up and be a man,' I'd throw a punch. These guys are either immature or just idiots.

 

You're in pain, and the passage of time is your ally. Until you go through the phases of grief, don't do anything stupid. Just try to hang in there like you're recovering from a miserable illness. These phases of loss or grief are different for everyone, so don't count on some self-help author to give you a roadmap to recovery. If nothing is fun anymore try to find something less unpleasant to do. Anything that eases the pain without killing you can be your refuge. In a week or so you may find food tasting better, maybe certain music will give you comfort, or you might even find some answers here in cyberspace. We're real people, you know?

 

You may decide to move, change jobs or other change, but save that for later when you can think more clearly. Hasty decisions won't serve you well, and that includes the Big Exit. Don't let that tidy thought hypnotize you. You need to be here to help your idiot friends when they hit the same wall.

 

When you get through this period of your life, you're joining a big club of guys who understand.

 

Hang in there, it gets better.

(Sorry for dissing your friends, but they deserve it.)

[pilot1ab]

Hi all,

Sparticuss wow...you gave me some food for thought. A bit brutal, but I guess I need it. thanks, and once again wow.

 

Igirl, I feel the same as you. I tried about a month ago to go out and socialize, and it just made me feel worse. It just made me miss her by my side and just holding her hand. I missed the look in her eyes when I would just do simple things like making sure she was not facing the street when we would go for walks. I would miss the smile on her face when I would stop a complete stranger and ask, "Isn't this the most beautiful woman you have ever seen"...lol, she would always turn red and tell that person, "I'm so sorry". I miss.......I guess I am being to melancholy right now.

I think everyday of what I must do to distract myself, but even when I promise myself I will do something, all I do is work and stare at the wall when home. Yesterday I forced myself to go for a light run with my dog. She enjoyed it, I guess thats a start heh...

 

Dako, actually it was one friend as he was the only one I tried to confide in. Don't fret dissing him, but in his defense he has been hurt multiple times in the past. Plus he is one of these Alpha male type dudes, but does have some sensitivity. He may be a bit narcissitic (I didn't spell that right)....as he is really wrapped up in his own problems, but he means well. (I am still pissed at him though). It's like what Serendipity said about the male image out there. Men aren't supposed to feel, and have emotion. Sorry but this man does, and he has it volumes.

I won't lie, I have thought of the "big exit", but I cannot. Its the shortcut and I know I am stronger than that (even though I cry everyday...lol).

 

O.K. I just got home from work today, and it was hard to make it through my shift. My ex and I work in the same department, and like I said before, there is just the two of us. We work in a hospital, and at night have to cover the entire hospital between the two of us. Thats sucks cuz it puts in constant contact with each other. Especially when a patient goes down hill. Anyways it took every ounce of my strength today to keep from breaking down in front of her. She seems to have so easily forgotten what we had, and treats me like I am a very close coworker of hers, but a coworker nonetheless. The drive home was bad, it takes about 1.5 hours to get home, and I just couldn't wait to bolt from the car. I wanted so bad to tell her how I feel, but I need to continue my charade. She can see through me I know, but she needs space and needs healing. I want to give it to her. God I miss her so much.

 

I know I need to find a new job, and I have looked but there is not much open nearby where I live, and I have soooo much seniority where I work now, that I would take a significant pay cut. Right now things are too tight for me as it is, and a pay cut would make it almost impossible. But I am still looking at what opportunities are available.

 

I have a question I want to throw at everyone. We have a 3 hour round trip commute, and since we live a few miles apart and have the exact same schedule, we have been rotating driving to work. One week she drives, the next I drive, and so on. I have seriously put thought into just telling her lets drive separate. It wouldn't make any sense, because gas prices are high and we would double the wear and tear on our cars. And my car wasn't made to be a commuter. It sucks up way to much gas, and requires premium. But it kills me about the distance we have from each other even when I am sitting right next her, during the drive. What do you think? Should I recommend driving separate. God that would hurt, but part of me knows I need to do as little contact as possible. Why does life have to be like this? I never treated her bad or wronged her in any way. If, as she stated so many times even after she broke up with, I was the best thing that ever happened to her....then why oh why did she throw me away. Why doesn't she feel, like I feel if our relationship was so wonderfull to her at one time.....

[Mun]

If the drive together is causing you so much pain then maybe you won't see the gas expense as such a burden--as long as you feel better than you feel now being so close and not being able to talk to her. I know it seems senseless, but often times we stay stuck where we are at because it's more convenient. This isn't good for you, you want to move on, so look at it that way.

You took the same shift so that you could drive up together, if you will no longer be commuting together then there is no more need to share the same shift...right?

[PocoDiablo]

Pilot,

 

Ah, well, maybe I can give you another perspective. When I was 32 I went through something very similar, and here are some things that I learned and maybe for you to think about.

 

First, staying in your job for financial reasons is an excuse. I stayed with my ex for 11 years because of "financial" reasons. Well, I finally made some decisions. I had a garage sale and sold a bunch of my stuff - like over half of everything I owned. I moved and rented a room. Maybe in your situation you could do the same thing. Move someplace where rent is less. Some rooms can be rented for less than $300 and are actually in nice homes. So, if I were you, I would do whatever it took to lower my expenses. I dropped cable TV to the $15 basic. I got the cheapest cell phone plan, and cancelled my home phone. I watched my utilities (heating/ac) and all that.

 

Second, do hang out with your friends. Not everyone is a relationship guru, so it's hard to blame then even if they give bad advice. I made it a point to hang out with my buddy Robert 2-3 times a week. I just made it a point not to talk about my relationship with him. Eventually I met other people and that kept me occupied and slowly things got better.

 

Third, well, here is one thing I realized in MY case. The breakup was not sudden. It had been building for months, if not years, and it was mostly - if not all - my fault. She knew, I did not. I was blind and stupid and thought everything was perfect. In reality, she had been giving me signs and signals forever and I chose to ignore them. I let her do whatever she wanted. When she stopped working at her usual high-paying offices and instead took a night and weekend job at a bar, that should have been a big tip off. When she started coming home later and later, to the point where she would not get home before I left for work the next day, that should have been a tip off. When she started hanging out with other people and not inviting me along, that should have been a tip off. I could go on, but I hate to remind myself of what a fool I was.

 

For me, in MY case, it was because I was a child to her. I was not a man. I never had any standards for her and I let her do whatever she wanted. We never had any fights, and for me that is a huge issue nowadays. People WILL have issues, and I have learned that I *must* put my foot down at times. When she wanted to work at the bar, I should have said "Absolutely not. Not a chance in hell. I am not going to make your car payments so you can have a fun kid-like job. Why should I pay all the rent, all the bills, both car payments, and your credit card bills so you can make $50 a night and party with strangers?" No way. No how. Boy, was I a fool.

 

What else have I learned? I learned that actions speak louder than words. No matter what she said, I now understand that if she really loved me, she never would have put herself in a situation where I might have gotten upset and dumped her.

 

Nowadays I realize everything I did - or more accurately didn't do - that drove her away. What was it? Well, in a nutshell, I acted like a boy trying to please his mother. I never put my foot down. I had no standards, and I let her do whatever she wanted. I'd rather let her rack up a $5,000 bill on a credit card bill than tell her "No, not a chance." and her cry. Nowadays, I will take the RIGHT road and tell a woman "No, sorry, that is not fair, not mature, and not appropriate." And I will do it in a mature, gentle, polite way but still stick to my point.

 

For me, I learned I had the social skills of a child. In many ways I still do. I have a hard time getting my message accross without seeming harsh at times (something I am trying to work on.)

 

So what did I do?

 

I inspected every aspect of my life, my being, my days. And I realized I acted like a child. I never stood up to anyone. I was a doormat. I spent my money on women hoping they would like me. I tried to be their friends and make them love me. Oh, man, I did everything wrong. After a lot of searching around on the Internet and reading of books, I realized that I had to grow up and become a gentleman like James Bond, or like Cary Grant, or the likes. I realized I needed to develop self-control, self-respect, self-confidence, and also stop being so damn desperate!

 

I bought some books which helped, and read a lot of forums. I found some good advice and a lot of bad advice. I took the advice that I thought was good, and came up with my own theories. And I worked through it knowing that *I* had single-handledly screwed up my relationship and *I* could prevent it in the future.

 

So maybe for you there is some similarities in my situation as yours. If that is the case, maybe there are some wake-up calls for you to learn as well.

 

I was single for nearly two years after my breakup (divorce) and actually ended up hating women for a good portion of that time. It was only after I realized that *I* was the problem did things get better. And they have gotten a lot better, better than I could ever imagine.

 

Poke around this site and ask lots of questions. I bet you'll get some good advice, you'll see some things in a new perspective, and you'll grow and learn.

 

I think that's all we can do - learn from our mistakes. And then when you meet another great woman you will be stronger and it will be better.

 

Good luck.

[Nicesmile]

PocoDiablo.... I think you are being too hard on yourself.....putting blame on yourself. Relationships are between two people and both have a responsibility towards each other. But am soooo happy you have learnt many lessons, and have shared them here. I think that's what life's about, individual growth from whatever life puts on our paths.

 

Pilot, I can truly say I know how you feel. When my BF broke up with me I was still living with him and he seemed to be able to "move on" without any trouble. It was like I didn't exist, we never happened. That used to burn.... the buckets of tears I have shed for him..... I never understood his coldness. I have since learnt that people deal with breakups in different ways, and no one goes untouched... dumper or dumpee.

 

The NC thing helped. Once I moved out, its been 1.5mnths now, I could look at him and the whole thing rationally. Sure there are days I breakdown but being AWAY from him helps. I think you have to limit contact. Its hard coz you work together but do it. I think the commute thing, definitely go separate.

 

This board will help. Read and post as many times, no one will judge you and folks here will just give you advice and their experience.

[lgirl]

tell me about it pilot1ab!! (wry laugh)

I tried about a month ago to go out and socialize, and it just made me feel worse. It just made me miss her by my side and just holding her hand.

on the few occasions i forced myself to go out and DO something, i'd get really depressed on the journey home afterwards b/c i wouldn't be able to share it with him, tell him about my evening etc like before. i would be LOW as hell by the time i got in

 

as for your friend, i think that's just a *guy* thing. my ex's (idiot) friend suggested the same things pretty much to him - despite the fact he broke up with me, his 'friend' told him he should get out there and meet other women to put me out of his mind/get over me. i should add that this was BEFORE my ex took a sledgehammer to our r/shp and ended it… SHEESH. premature 'advice' or what? (shakes head)

 

I have seriously put thought into just telling her lets drive separate. It wouldn't make any sense, because gas prices are high and we would double the wear and tear on our cars.

 

it makes PLENTY of sense - screw the wear and tear on your cars!! sorry, but the pain you're going through is not worth it. the best thing you can do for yourself (and your pride) is to travel separately. how can you ever get over her if you're having to travel with her and hide your feelings all the time? it will also give her a chance to see the consequences of her actions. in time, you will come to see just how insensitive she's being towards you; she is taking advantage of you at the moment and if you can't get away from her by getting a new job, then do everything you can to lessen contact with her. as you work together, your only option is to drive in yourself. the price you're paying emotionally is far higher than what you would spend on gas.

 

i really feel for you and what you're going through as it's so similar to what i've been going through, but from my experience she has made up her mind and there's nothing you can do to change it now. it doesn't make sense that she could say you're the best thing to ever happen to her, and then to dump you and, worse still, not come back, begging for another chance b/c she made a mistake. don't waste time trying to figure it out b/c it will drive you mad (trust me!!). my ex kept telling me he didn't want to lose me, but he did the exact opposite of what you might take that to mean. when he first said it, i felt we still had a chance, maybe we could get over this *blip*; all was not lost. but they were just words. that's what was such a mindf*** about it. i'd think how could he say that and then do NOTHING to keep me. it didn't/doesn't make sense. he'd say that to me and then do stuff that i can only figure was meant to drive me away in the most hurtful manner. anyhoo, my point is: actions speak louder than words.

 

hard as it is, you need to put yourself and your feelings first now instead of trying to work out what's going on with her. she sounds pretty thick-skinned from what you've said; maybe it's a case of "where there's no sense, there's no feeling". sorry to say that, but that's how it seems…

 

well done for going out for a run!! that's a start. i've found that serious exercise (running/skipping/boxing - i'm talking for at least an hour a time) does TEMPORARILY alleviate the accompanying misery and depression. so keep up those runs - you'll feel the benefit even more when you hit the *ANGRY* stage of your grief; it's amazing how angry thoughts can translate as huge spurts of energy. "I hate him!" = ooh, i just ran a mile!

[lgirl]

Nicesmile, i am intrigued by what you said:

 

I never understood his coldness. I have since learnt that people deal with breakups in different ways, and no one goes untouched... dumper or dumpee.

 

WHAT did you learn exactly? i couldn't understand my ex's coldness either; even the way he spoke to me was stripped of emotion; he was even referring to me in the past tense (this was on the DAY of the break-up!!); like i had no feelings. i couldn't understand how overnight all his feelings for me could vanish and how he could sound so unaffected by it all, literally NO emotion or trace of sentiment, compared to my traumatised reaction (i cried the proverbial river over him and then some. teh!). he didn't even show me the basic courtesy you'd show a friend and i was his fiancée! and i can honestly say i did nothing to deserve the mauling i got.

 

so what and how did you learn differently?

[pilot1ab]

Hi all,

Believe it or not, all the support I have been receiving has given me some amount of strength. In my depression I felt that humanity is lost. You all have made me think different. There are good people out there, and I am not alone in wanting to pick up and carry people when they cannot stand for themselves. Thank you for that.

 

I just got home from work, and I did feel most of the same feelings and emotions I had before, I didn't feel like I may not be able to control myself. Yes I did just want to hold her, I did want to shed tears. But I was able to suck it up a little better. Thats Thanks to all of you.

 

Many of you have mentioned thats yes its a good idea to drive separate. I am now 90% sure of this. We have the next four days off. Monday is my turn to drive, and I think I will suck it up and commute with her through the next week. Since she drove this past week, I feel its unfair that she have to drive again. I don't feel right about that. I will drive and then tell her we should drive separately from that point on. It would be her turn to drive anyways.

 

Also others have mentioned that she might not have just turned everything off. She might have felt out of love for a while and just finally begun to accept it. I can see this now. I can now see very subtle signs since we moved. This move was a mistake. It has put a great deal of stress and time limitation on both of us. I guess our relationship suffered because of it. I wish I could reverse the clock and never have done this. We were so happy where were at before (and we didn't work the exact same schedule....we only worked with each other once shift a week). All this doesn't change my feeling for her. I have never loved so strongly or felt so deeply for someone. IN all fairness to her, she showed the same towards me. She is still very respectfull and kind to me, other than all she seems to do now is talk to her friends on the phone every chance she gets. In our job we may have a crazy shift, or if all patients are doing well, and ER is not busy, we may get a lot of down time between our patient rounds. Everytime we get down time, she is on the phone with her friend and talks for hours....leaving me alone, and ignoring me. She never did this before. Maybe its her way of coping...I don't know.

 

Igirl.......I know you are so right by what you say. She has told me and made me feel much more than "you are the best thing that ever happened to me" "who will take care of me the way you did" "I know I am making the bigest mistake in my life"....so on and so forth. I know I was good to her, she wouldn't always get that smile and that look in her eye everytime I did what I thought was a minor thing. I am really sorry Igirl that your ex left you like that.

 

What is wrong with this world. Why does it seem that the people who give it their all and try...get screwed and hurt. While others who are in it just for themselves get the world. I have a coworker who can really honestly claim he sleeps with over 150 different woman every year(god thats just sick). He is a bastard, and woman seem to just love him. Anytime, anyplace he can get whichever woman he wants. I've consoled some of the woman he's trashed, and they all say, "but their is a different side to him", "He is sooo sweet when he wants to be"....When he wants to be. Screw that, how about be sweet because I really care about you. How about be sweet because you have feelings too. But yet Women flock to him and don't hate him afterwards. I remember him once saying to someone else, "I don't know...god gave me the gift to get women, so I am just following god's wishes".......damn. He is in his early 40's and anywhere between 18 to 30 is fair game to him. I just want ONE. I have had other relationships before my current ex. I have never never never cheated, I have never played games, I have always been honest, and I have given to every relationship I've had 100%. Why do people like him get whatever they want, and don't even keep it. While guys like me who truly care get the s*it end of the stick. I just want someone to grow old with. Is that too damn much to ask? I am not bad looking, I have a good personality, I am honest, I am responsible, I have a good career, and I put my significant other always first. Yet I get to be lonely. I get no one, and d**ks like him get not only women to love him, but to not hate him after he screws them over.

My ex (god thats weird to say)...Just today I knew she was tired from work, so I grabbed her car keys at the end of our shift and told her, that I will drive home while she slept. I wasn't giving her a choice. She was so tired. I was hella tired also, but I can suck it up (did I tell you...lol). Anyways on the way back, she had mentioned something about her car pulling to one side because she thinks her tires might be underinflated. So after I got to my place, she asks me why I am pulling into the garage. I told her, that I am gonna inflate her tires. Its freezing here by the way. I stode out there for 20 minutes inflating her tires. She cleaned the inside of her car while I did this, and said "thank you" after I was done and just tore off. I am so messed up right now, that I thought she just can't stand to be around me. She couldn't wait to just get out of here.

 

Sorry, I guess I got a little emotional. I was gonna erase all of that, but hell I just want to be me and feel like I feel without hiding anything. I guess I will force myself to go for a run....my big old puppy would like that...lol. I thank you all once again. God bless all of you. I will keep posting, I really feel like this is helping.[/b][/b]

[Mun]

PocoDiablo, you seemed more like your ex's daddy and not a boy, as you said. You paid her bills, you bought girls things to try to win their love, you permitted certain behavior that you shouldn't have---sounds more like a parent does with a child...and your ex behaved like a spoiled/rebelious child. Well, that's my observation according to your story.

 

Pilot, maybe you ought to be a little more like that player you work with. Not exactly like him, god no, but a little more unavailable and mysterious. In other words, don't wear your heart on your sleeve, be available sometimes, other times you have things going on. Maintain your independence, don't go out of your way all the time. Don't be the one doing all the work, let your girl put some effort forward too. I don't know enough about you to know what you are like in your relationships, but just want to give you some things to keep in mind for next time.

 

I think it was a really sweet thing checking your ex's tires, but don't make it a habit of taking care of her now all the time, especially when she seems uncomfortable about it. I know you want to, that's ok, just don't overdo it to where you feel like she should do more for you too, because she might not and you'll feel crushed.

 

Hang in there

[Nicesmile]

Nicesmile, i am intrigued by what you said:

 

 

 

WHAT did you learn exactly? i couldn't understand my ex's coldness either; even the way he spoke to me was stripped of emotion; he was even referring to me in the past tense (this was on the DAY of the break-up!!); like i had no feelings. i couldn't understand how overnight all his feelings for me could vanish and how he could sound so unaffected by it all, literally NO emotion or trace of sentiment, compared to my traumatised reaction (i cried the proverbial river over him and then some. teh!). he didn't even show me the basic courtesy you'd show a friend and i was his fiancée! and i can honestly say i did nothing to deserve the mauling i got.

 

so what and how did you learn differently?

 

Lgirl, lol! we are/were in the same sit. exactly... When I was describing his emotion during the break up and afterwards to his sister, she told me .... and I agree looking back now coz I have seen it on occasion... its the way he copes with emotion, his and other people's. He shuts the door on everything he is feeling. Literally shuts out anything else apart from what he needs to deal. I don't know whether that applies to other people, but I agree it does with him. She said the way he talked to her later about it... one cannot say he was untouched..

[lgirl]

Nicesmile, THANK YOU for that!! reading what you wrote makes me think perhaps that's what my ex did b/c i didn't even recognise his voice that's how bad it was; i honestly thought he was having some kind of breakdown at the time!! i was so traumatised by this difference in him that i went into profound shock for months like i had concussion (awful experience). it's made me question his feelings for me where before i was 100% sure, felt so secure in his love (gak!), to the point where i'm now starting to wonder if he was just infatuated with me (who knew infatuations could last for more than a year?!). it really did my head in b/c i couldn't understand where all his feelings for me went and this guy was crazy about me...

 

anyhoo, now i'm thinking b/c his reaction was so EXTREME that maybe it was b/c he just shut down; he told me in the past he'd get 'tunnel vision' and block stuff out; put his 'poker face' on...

Literally shuts out anything else apart from what he needs to deal.

i feel so much better for reading that!! thanks again!! think that's what he must have done the more i think about it. at least i HOPE that was the case otherwise he really is a cold b*****d!!

 

'luckily' for you, you were able to get feedback from his sister, so you now know the 'truth' about his reaction... i'll never know, but at least reading your post gives me a less hurtful view of what happened...

[sukerbut]

My ex too..she does not deal with problems well..be it schoold work..be it family problemsa etc. she just shuts down..never let me help her when she needed me the most..i woudl just back off till the gears i her head stopped spinning..When she broke up with me it was the same scenario..she became cold and unwanting...i ean i have broken up with people but compasionatly..she just pulled the gate down and closed up shop..immediately. she could not even tell me she loves me any more..months prior i was her future husband ..oct ..i dont love you any more, but i do care for you deeply..great THANKS for those kind words.

[pilot1ab]

she just pulled the gate down and closed up shop..immediately. she could not even tell me she loves me any more..months prior i was her future husband ..oct ..i dont love you any more, but i do care for you deeply..great THANKS for those kind words.

sukerbut,

I feel for you man, its a sense of being betrayed. Our futures of how we envisioned them are gone. We are left cold, and alone. Who wants caring, when there was Love. A week before the end with my ex, we were making plans on starting a business, we were making plans on going on a cruise. We would talk about selling both our houses in a year, and what kind of house should we get together. IT shuts off so quickly, doesn't it? What can we do though. They feel what they feel, and as much as we want it to be different, nothing can make them return to us. Nothing can make things just go back to the way they were. Hang in there my friend. Life sucks, but we all must make this journey.

[pilot1ab]

Hi all,

Doesn't hope suck? I feel as if there are two sides inside of me doing constant battle. The rational side of me, sees things for how they are, and realizies that what once was, is now gone. The other side of me, has a candle burning for hope. "She will come back to me eventually." "I just need to be patient and wait for her." "How could someone who loved me so strong just the week before, let it all go. No, she is just going through something, and as soon as she finishes she will Love me again."

 

I end up looking for the smallest signs and clues that she still cares. She really isn't a bad person after all. It wasn't as if we were having problems n our relationship. We weren't fighting, we weren't keeping secrets, and we were so much in love. So that means that she will go her course and come back to me. In the beginning, I would see just a drop in her voice, and take it as she misses me. I would look for every little sign and clue. I guess I am still doing it. I know that even if she came back, things would never be the perfect paradise they once were. Could I ever trust her unconditionally again? Could I ever believe all the things she used to say? Hope sucks, and if only this little flame of hope would die in me. But god do I want her back. I would her her so tight. I miss her, and every waking moment of every day, I think about her. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of crying. Hope sucks.

 

I am off for the next four days, and I am not looking forward to it. Yesterday after I posted, I played with my dog, and then crashed. I slept for nearly 24 hours....I guess my body needed it, but I dreamt of her the entire time. I woke up today crying. I was crying in my sleep, un f**ki* believable. I need a hug. Just a hug and a rope to stop my fall. I have the next four days to stare at my walls, so wish me luck. Dont be surprised if I am posting on here a lot. It really helps to hear all of you. I don't feel so alone and lost.

[sukerbut]

Hey pilot you hit it right on my man!! right on the money with your last statement..Listen brother i love her .. for me she was the one..the only woman i ever even thought about sharing a future with..(messed up stuff man) but her eis the bottom line...As much as i love her..i LOVE MYSELF more..i forgot that towards the end of the relationship.. i was her butler , lover , gofer, door mat...I was not me any more..I saw the red flags and i tried to work on them..but she would never want to resiprocate the process..in turn every week we would fight for a month. Eventually i B itch ed myself out to her and she was gone. We decided friends with benefits would work..but after three times i realized .. holy crap if this woman loved me she would of never agreed to this union..i could not deal with it..it woud be a slow and even more painfull death..because eventually she would find a new man and say good bye..so i decided to end that F with B union.

Then she started calling once a week..I too had hope..disecting every word that came out of her mouth..read my posts..i thought iw as strong and i thought i could play it cool..but you are we kidding..this is the woman that i envisioned a future with and now she is chatting to me like a mate once a week for 5 min..SCREW that..You know what i did..I kileed the hope. she called me last week. 11/30 to be exact and we talked..she told me all these stupid excuses as to why we had no future and assured me we would never get back togehter..i asked her to go out for a cup of coffe..she said i can do that..(I really wanted to put the breaks on this hope thing) so i asked her out to dinner..she said no i dont think thats a good idea.."what is that going to accomplish" BINGO!!! what is me talking to you once a week goin gto accomplish..NOTHING.. so i sent her an e-mail (not a nasty one) telling her we must cut contact..and hearing her voice just makes me feel pain...good luck and good bye..

Every day i torured myself. i woudl go back and forth..was it me? was ithe reason of the break up? i hate her..she messed up..every day i would have a million diffrent emotions torturing my brain..at least now..the hope is dead and i am looking forward..no more disectind as to why things happened..the only hope i have right now is to move on and become the bes amn i can be..I treated her like a princess..she got bored and tired..she wanted it to end. So goodbye...If there was a legitimate reason, i would fight and try to win her back..but i think she just got tired of us..and did not want to make a future..because she did not love me..she loved the idea, they way i treated her, but she did not love me..i know who loves me!! ME