Advice Needed

[patience]

I wonder what you're so afraid of. Something is holding you back.

[Regretfulman]

You Are Right, Before I Spill My Feelings I Will Ask Her What She Feels About Us. Then I Will Tell Her My Position, And Then I Will Leave. I Know She Will Cover Up Her True Feelings For Me When I Ask, Because She Is Trying To Be Done, Im Sure She Is Struggling With This, Just As I Am. I Want Her To Realize That She Shouldnt Fight How She Feels, Whatever Those Feelings May Be

[ChrisA]

Regretful, I think enough time has passed that you can safely ask this girl if she would like to get together to talk. Let her know that you've got something that you feel is important to tell her, if she declines this due to this new chaps feelings, then...do you really want her?

 

I can safely say this, by her hooking up with a new guy, she's basically said that she's not going to come back to you on her own accord, she's moving on dude. So, from my perspective, you've got two choices;

 

a) Do nothing, which I can promise you won't get her back.

b) Take the bull by the horns and tell her that you need to tell her something important that she should hear.

 

I know some people will disagree and others may suggest strict NC, however, I'm not a firm believer that NC works in all situations, especially one where the lack of attention/commitment is involved. In my opinion, your lack of action thus far may have simply reaffirmed her initial fears that you're incapable of sharing your feelings.

 

Just my two cents. I encourage those who disagree to say so as I would hate to give someone advice that will cause more harm than good based on my past dealings.

[melrich]

bottom line is i feel that she still loves me, but is afraid

 

Mate, she is not afraid. You are. She has made all the running here. She embraced your relationship, introduced you to family and friends, dumped you when she could see no future, went out and got another man.

 

Mate, you are just the Maypole stick in the middle.

 

She's doing all the running here. You are just sitting there watching her run by.

[Regretfulman]

I Am Afraid Of Hearing Rejection, But Im More Afraid Of Hearing Her Tell Me Some Bs Story Instead Of Her True Feelings. She Is Too Proud To Tell Them To Me, Thats The Dilemma. One Thing That Sticks In My Mind Is That 4 Days Before She Dumped Me She Told Me She Loved Me, And She Meant It. You Dont Stop Loving Someone In 4 Days, And Certainly Not 7 Weeks Either

[patience]

we can tell you a billion times to tell her how you feel...but will you actually do it?

 

man, you're going to drive yourself nuts soon

 

just tell her, tell her you're not over her, you are in love with her, and that you want her back...because it is so obviously the truth

 

*nudge* *nudge* *nudge*

 

...is it possible that you are afraid to tell her that you love her because then you will have to deal with having a relationship??? are you possibly commitment phobic?

[Regretfulman]

One Thing She Said To Me A Few Weeks Ago Was That I Was Not The Victim Here. She Said "how Many Times Did I Say I Loved You, And You Said Nothing Back" "how Many Time Did I Tell You I Wanted To Be With You, And You Said No", She Basically Told Me That I Rejected Her, And All She Did Was Walk Away Where She Was Not Wanted. I Know She Still Wants Me, But She Cant Handle Another Rejection From Me. I Honestly Think I Am The One Who Needs To Chase Her To Prove To Her I Am Genuine For Once

[Regretfulman]

I Do Want Her More Then Anything, And Yes I Am Afraid To Tell Her I Love Her, Especially Over The Phone. If She Would Meet Me I Would Gladly Tell Her Everything, Until She Does, I Will Not Tell Her Those 3 Words

[patience]

then chase her! just do it!

[Regretfulman]

The Plan Is:

 

1. Ask Her To Meet Me Cuz I Have Something Important To Say

2. If She Meets Me I Will Tell Her How I Feel And See What She Feels

3. I Walk Away And Let Her Come To Me After That

[patience]

Suggestion:

 

"I need to meet with you because I have something really important to tell you and you deserve to hear it face to face, not over the phone, not on IM. It's something I should have said a long time ago."

[Juha]

Good luck on chasing her...I was/am in the same situation and she has been so hot and cold that I hurt to much and pulled away from her...

 

SHe is with someone else and there is nothing I can do about it...i told her how I elt and she dismissed it and said I was too late and why did I not tell her this before...

 

I love and care about this person more than anyone else in the world, more than anyone in my life and she tells me that what I say to her meant nothing and changed nothing so if you want to hurt yourself more go ahead and tell her how you feel...

 

She will probably just pull away and put you into friends category...

My ex tried to stay in contact with me for no reason with excuses...I could not handle it I do not want to ve her friend I do not want to be there for here if we are not together...

 

SHe is with someone new and has used him to get over me, I know that her feelings for me are still very strong but she won't allow them...

 

I have given up hope now after 5 1/2 months...SHe stilll sends me a text now and then but I will not answer...I to thought that I needed to show her my real feelings and she would change her mind but that is not the truth... SHe wants to forget you and the hurt you gave her after she laid all of herfeelings out for you and received nothing in return...

 

Good luck in whatever you do and i hope that if you spill your guts to her that she comes back, but I doubt it...Not trying to be pessimistic just have been there and done that...

 

PM me anytime if you want...

[Regretfulman]

More advice needed, lol

[kellbell]

Hi there Regretful,

 

I am going to do my best in telling you what I see what is going on here and I am going to take parts of your posts and explain them to you....And this may be a harsh post, stuff you don't want to hear. But I am going to discourage you from telling her your true feelings...

 

 

 

"another thing about my case is this: i think maybe my ex does have second thoughts about dumping me. She is not the type to risk rejection herself, so i think i might have to meet her halfway. So far, she has been the one contacting me, giving me mixed signals, maybe im the one who needs to lay it out there and see what she says"

 

She may be having second thoughts about leaving, but so does everyone else. It's so natural to feel like that and you ex is no exception, she is not unique by feeling this way. Any big decision like that can warrent second thoughts because it is so final. I had second thoughts about when I broke up with one of my ex's but after I weighed the good times and the bad and what I felt in my heart, I knew I made the right decision. You mentioned she is not type to risk rejection herself, again WHO DOESN'T? No one likes to risk rejection... ever... rejection can make us question who we are, did we do the right thing, could have we done something different, it can cause us second-guess ourselves as a person, not necessarily whether we did the right thing or not. Again, your ex is not a unique case, this is quite common. So in saying that, it's not worth putting too much analyizing common feelings and behaviors.

 

"I just keep getting mixed signals from her, I mean when we talk she brings up about little things i did for her to make her feel special. We do talk about our memories and stuff, and then on the other hand, she tells me how its not right to hang out so soon. She says there are too many feelings on both sides to see each other so soon. I think she is afraid to see me and have a rush of feelings hit her. I mean, her signals are totally mixed, they make me so confused. She sends me a 1 minute voice message, brings up about our memories and even pet names for each other, come one, thats silly to bring that up if she just wants to remain friends, any agree?"

 

She is holding all the cards in this situation. She keeps digging up special memories between the two of you but she doesn't want to meet up. She may not be doing this meliciously but nonetheless, it's wrong and not fair to you. I can't believe how much you are letting her hold all the cards, how much control you have given her in all this. I mean, she broke up with you, started dating another person within weeks, she always initiates contact with you, brings up old memories, calls you pet names, wants to remain friends but yet, she won't meet up with you because she is afraid of everything rushing back to her. Give me a break, dude! Come on. Nip this one in the bud, pronto!

 

 

"thanks for the tip, i kinda agree, and the only reason why i keep insisting that i tell her how i feel is because i never did it before. I once read an article on relationships that said to use "i love you" sparingly. Never say it too much, you are always better holding it back and making it sound genuine. It also said that when you are in a bad situation, like getting dumped or getting into a huge fight over something you did wrong, that is the best time to say those 3 words. Its like an ACE up your sleeve in a way, because if you dont say those words often or ever, then when you do finally say them, it has strong meaning and could totally change things for you. This guy is a very reputable relationship counselor, and uses psychology to explain his advice."

 

That article to me is a bunch of hooey. Like it came from Cosmo or Psychology Today or something. Obviously, it's not good or sound advice because look where it got you. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder. I can't believe that advice, thayt dude is way off his rocker.

 

 

"We mostly talk about stuff unrelated to "us" on instant message, but the chats are not short, usually at least 10 minutes. I asked her to meet up with me one month after we ended, to give her back some of her stuff and she said its not a good idea. I asked her again a few weeks ago, and she said it would not be right cuz she has a new man now. But earlier in the conversation she said we could hang out, but not so soon, so she is sending mixed messages."

 

So she has a new man but it's ok for her to keep intitating contact with you? Again, this woman is calling all the shot and you let her. Send her stuff to her or throw it away.

 

"...also, i had a few female friends listen to her 1 minute voice message, and they all agree she wants me, or at least has strong feelings towards me, they say they can hear it in her voice."

 

Of course your friends are going to say that, they know your story and they are advocating for you. So they are biased in their opinions. Also, I would stop asking random girls to listen to her voice on your voice mail. It's creepy and it's really getting you no where.

 

 

"just thought of something, i sent my ex a text message asking her to call me before she goes to sleep, whenever she finally responds to it, which could be tonight or tomorrow or whenever, she will ask me what i wanted. Then i will simply say "nevermind, nothing important, i changed my mind", im sure she will be dying to hear what i had to say. If she isn't dying to hear what i have to say, i know she doesnt care. But im sure she will want to know whats up"

 

Why are you thinking about doing this?? Why the game playing? Why, why, why?? If you love her, don't entertain the thought of messing with her mind, no matter how much she is messing with yours.

 

"she won't meet me because of the new guy, but i think the real reason is because she is afraid of feeling strongly about me. Seeing me might make her want me again, and i honestly think she is fighting her feelings, due to the fact that she thinks things will go back the way they used to be again, if we did get back together."

 

No, she is not fighting her feelings. She won't met you because of this new guy. If she really wanted to get back together with you, one, she would not be with another man, 2, she would meet you. But no, she is contacting you through IM, texting, voice mail, she wants to keep you in her life to some degree due to her guilt for breaking up with you and it feeds her ago to know what you are up to.

 

"She Was Obviously Bothered By The Fact That I Wasnt Talking To Her"

 

Of course she is, it's compromising her ego. Some control has been taken away from her when you do that. It makes her uneasy then a bit clingly.

 

"Am Afraid Of Hearing Rejection, But Im More Afraid Of Hearing Her Tell Me Some Bs Story Instead Of Her True Feelings. She Is Too Proud To Tell Them To Me, Thats The Dilemma. One Thing That Sticks In My Mind Is That 4 Days Before She Dumped Me She Told Me She Loved Me, And She Meant It. You Dont Stop Loving Someone In 4 Days, And Certainly Not 7 Weeks Either"

 

I am sure she still does love you but it is not enough for her to stay in this relationship. She may be too proud to you but that's her problem. But apparently, she was not happy in this relationship so she is doing what is right for her.

 

 

 

Bottom line, she is holding all the cards in this situation. She is in a safe place right now, she is with another man, meanwhile she knows you are still in love with her and want her back. But IF you were to spill your feelings, tell her how you feel about her, lay all your cards on the table and then walk away. But from what you wrote, she has not given any inkling that she wants to repair this relationship and try to move forward. Maybe she will once she knows how you really feel, maybe she won't. Cross that bridge when you get there. I am not trying to be mean but laying out how I see it looking from the outside in. I wish you a lot of luck in this and take care.

[coooolsome]

Listen to Kellbell, she is a very smart person.

[Regretfulman]

ok kellbell, i appreciate your take on this situation, but i do think there is a good chance at getting back together in the future, but im not going to wait for it anymore. This girl has a hard time leaving people she cares about. My view is the new guy is simply a distraction, eventually the relationship will fizzle out and im sure she will be crawling back. But again, im not waiting, and ive decided to not show her my feelings afterall. She doesnt deserve it right now. Once she sees the grass isnt any greener on the other side, she will be back, no doubts, hopefully i will be there to reject her in the final round, because i won't care anymore, thats how the story always ends, poetic justice

[lady00]

ok kellbell, i appreciate your take on this situation, but i do think there is a good chance at getting back together in the future, but im not going to wait for it anymore. This girl has a hard time leaving people she cares about. My view is the new guy is simply a distraction, eventually the relationship will fizzle out and im sure she will be crawling back. But again, im not waiting, and ive decided to not show her my feelings afterall. She doesnt deserve it right now. Once she sees the grass isnt any greener on the other side, she will be back, no doubts, hopefully i will be there to reject her in the final round, because i won't care anymore, thats how the story always ends, poetic justice

 

So on the one hand you say you're regretful for not treating her like she wanted to be treated and yet you think that she will come crawling back? What you have written here makes it sound like you are pretty hurt and bitter about the breakup, which is completely understandable, that's how breakups are. I think you really need to do NC with your ex so you can heal from the breakup. She may well still like you but it's possible she really likes the new guy too. The fact that she talks to you probably shows she still cares about you but caring about someone and wanting to be with them are two different things. I don't think that talking to an ex and being friendly is the same as playing games. From what you've written here, she isn't leading you on in any way. Maybe it's a mistake for her to talk to you so frequently but she is also keeping her distance by not wanting to see you. Maybe she is afraid that she will feel attracted and want you back. But the thing is, if she really is afraid of that, then it means she doesn't want to get back together and she's made a decision not to put herself in a situation where her emotions may lead her in that direction. NC is what I suggest. Live your life and let her live hers. If talking to her ends up hurting you in some way, then it's not worth it. Ignore her and she'll stop contacting you.

[Regretfulman]

I appreciate your advice. I do have one more thing to say, i know this girl very well, and i know that she cannot just let me go. By doing NC i will force her to analyze the situation and make a decision. By staying in contact with her, she isnt forced to do anything. Right now she can relax knowing she has the new guy and me on the back burner, but if i take away that back burner she will begin to think, thats my plan. But ultimately the NC will be for healing purposes, and hopefully i won't even want her when she comes crying back to me

[kellbell]

Regretful,

 

You just don't get it. Playing games and manipulating her to come back is wrong. I know you are hurt and angry but she had her reasons to move on. They may be reasons you don't agree with but they are still HER reasons. Let it go. Women see right through stuff like that, they sense it a mile away.

 

She HAS let you go, she broke up with you and moved on. It's time for you to move on. I am sure she still cares, I still care about my first boyfriend and we broke up 10 years ago! You are letting yourself be the backburner by feeding into these games and letting her contact you. NC is the best way to go. She may come back crying to you, she may not. Focus on you and what you want and don't focus on what could happen. Take care and feel better soon. Peace.

[Beec]

OK, I disagree with kellbell, in some ways. Manipulation is something that each and every one of us does. It's wrong when done for the wrong reasons. It's wrong when done without conscience, when done with dishonesty, when done with a sledge hammer approach while all that is needed is a little sugar to lead someone out, and it can be wrong for a number of other reasons. However, it is not all wrong, or we are all wrong, because we all do it.

 

As you can tell, I am for a little manipulation, done for the right reasons.

 

That said, regretfulman, I am all for you telling what I said before, then leaving her alone for the most part, only occasionally having contact and being friendly. I think that sends her the right message that will attract her back or not.

[kellbell]

True Beec, I agree with what you wrote but at the same time, she had her reasons to leave and I know it hurts bad, but unfortunately, break-ups happen. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, take what we have gained and carry them into a new relationship. It's like a process, to hopefully, some day, lead to the person we are going to eventually marry. Instead of putting so much time into game playing and manipulations to some degree, whether they are conscious or not; we should be putting energy into growing and becoming a better person.

[Beec]

True Beec, I agree with what you wrote but at the same time, she had her reasons to leave and I know it hurts bad, but unfortunately, break-ups happen. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, take what we have gained and carry them into a new relationship. It's like a process, to hopefully, some day, lead to the person we are going to eventually marry. Instead of putting so much time into game playing and manipulations to some degree, whether they are conscious or not; we should be putting energy into growing and becoming a better person.

 

I don't disagree with most of that, either. But just because we broke up need not mean you cannot get back together. In this case, he has expressed some idea that he knows why and would do differently if given the chance. Why won't that work?

 

He should learn, he should try to find someone with whom it works, but if she wants back in, he could try.

[kellbell]

Very True Beec.

 

Hey I am all for happy endings, believe me. There is not enough of thay in the world it seems. And life works in funny ways.

 

Regretful- I am not trying to be mean and imply you are pycho o anything like that. It's just I would wait and see what happens, learn from all this and try to take it one day at time. Who knows what the future would bring, but in the meantime, try to work on what's right for you. Take care.

[Regretfulman]

its a simple case of not knowing what i had till it was gone, and now i regret it. People deserve second chances in life to make things right, and if the main thing missing from our relationship was love from my end, then the problem can be fixed very easily now, since i realize how i feel.

[knicksfan]

regretfulman,

 

i'm in the same boat as you. i took my gf for granted and lost her. the thing is, you may get your 2nd chance later on, but i don't think it will be now. our exes need time to forget and forgive and to see that there's nothing else better. if she finds someone more compatible with her, she'll never be back and you should be happy for her. if you truly love her, you'll want what's best for her, even if it's not you. that's something i've accepted the hard way.