Advice Needed

[Regretfulman]

More opinions wanted, keep them coming please, lol

[Beec]

she brings up about little things i did for her to make her feel special.

 

I was not going to respond again, but I think this is something I'd mention. You did things that made her feel special. Isn't this showing her that you loved her? I'd say so, and in that case, OK, you are not perfect, but you were pretty darn good.

[Regretfulman]

yes i was a good guy to be with for sure, i just wasnt very vocal, which women need, they need to hear it

[chai714]

Regretfulman,

 

No need to tell her how YOU feel. What will that really accomplish? I can tell you this: it will put pressure on her, she'll feel the need to reciprocate (especially if she doesn't feel the same), and it will make her feel akward.

 

I've been in a position very similar to yours before. I wanted to tell her how I felt, how much I loved her, blah blah blah. I took one very smart man's advice instead and told her things I regretted not doing. It like saying, "look, I know there are things I could have done different and I'm now aware of these things." I also subtly let her know that I had been educating myself about the things I didn't do right, and gave her the message that things wouldn't be like that again if she were to come back (but NOT in those words. Remember, indirect is best). Not once did I tell her that I love her (even though I did), because I knew that would not help my cause.

 

You can do things your way if you want, but doing them the way I did paid off because 1) I never told her how I felt about her and 2) I did it in a dignified way showing her that I can walk away and be fine or she can come back knowing that I can do things right if there is going to be a next time around.

 

Good luck.

[Regretfulman]

thanks for the tip, i kinda agree, and the only reason why i keep insisting that i tell her how i feel is because i never did it before. I once read an article on relationships that said to use "i love you" sparingly. Never say it too much, you are always better holding it back and making it sound genuine. It also said that when you are in a bad situation, like getting dumped or getting into a huge fight over something you did wrong, that is the best time to say those 3 words. Its like an ACE up your sleeve in a way, because if you dont say those words often or ever, then when you do finally say them, it has strong meaning and could totally change things for you. This guy is a very reputable relationship counselor, and uses psychology to explain his advice.

[patience]

how long has it been since you actually spent time with her?

 

when was the last time you spoke on the phone? who called who?

[Regretfulman]

We havent seen each other since the day of the breakup, which was 7 weeks ago. Last time we talked on the phone, she called me. She was also the one to break no contact first, after 3 weeks, but i didnt pick up her call. We talked last night on instant message, and of course she was the one who said hi to me first. she always initiates the contact first, always

[patience]

what sort of things do you talk about on IM? what I mean is, is it light, casual stuff, or are the two of you sharing more deeply? are the two of you flirting?

 

have you asked her again about getting together? or has she asked you? a simple, "hey, let's do coffee tomorrow" would suffice

 

in seven weeks, a person can change somewhat...what if you saw her, and the 'vibe' was different? what if those loving feelings weren't really there for you?

[Regretfulman]

We mostly talk about stuff unrelated to "us" on instant message, but the chats are not short, usually at least 10 minutes. I asked her to meet up with me one month after we ended, to give her back some of her stuff and she said its not a good idea. I asked her again a few weeks ago, and she said it would not be right cuz she has a new man now. But earlier in the conversation she said we could hang out, but not so soon, so she is sending mixed messages.

[melrich]

But earlier in the conversation she said we could hang out, but not so soon, so she is sending mixed messages.

 

I don't think she is. I think she has just slipped straight into friendship mode. I think the reason she may have done this is because she never heard how you feel about her.

 

The fact that you have not seen each other for 7 weeks says a lot. I did not realise it was that long when I advised you to let her know how you were feeling. I thought you had been separated for a week or 2.

 

To be honest, if you have been separated for 7 weeks it is going to seem a little stupid to her to have you suddenly saying how in love you are with her.

 

I think on reflection you should stay quiet on this.

[patience]

I honestly don't think she is being fair. Personally, I would not communicate online or on the phone with someone who wasn't willing to meet with me, to me that's a red flag. She is putting her new man's feelings ahead of yours. Is that fair to you? No. Right now, she has her cake and is eating it too.

 

I know how hard it is to let go, especially when an ex keeps tossing crumbs of hope, like emails and phone calls, but emails and phone calls are not enough to even consider getting back together. Spending time together in person is essential.

 

If you had any other female friend who would only talk with you on IM and on the phone, but wouldn't meet with you, would you stay friends with her?

 

It seems REALLY fishy to me. I think she is stringing you along, keeping you on the line just in case things don't work out with the new man.

 

I suggest you ask her one last time to meet. If she says no again, that's strike three. It's been a few weeks since you asked to see her, so it may worth another shot.

 

...maybe she considers you to be an online buddy. *sigh* Is that what you want?

[Regretfulman]

I honestly feel that she is playing games, sort of trying to make me wake up and learn how it feels to not have someone respond the way i want. Some have suggested she is doing this on purpose to give me a taste of my own medicine. All I know is she has contacted me several times, and seems interested in keeping up on me. When we first broke up she said we would hang out eventually, then she said after the feelings fade, and now its no because of the new man. If its ok to talk to me on the phone and IM, then whats so much different about having dinner and talking? Talking to me period is disrespectful, right? i dont see how she thinks its ok to talk to me on the phone, but to meet is not fair to the new guy. makes no sense. also, i had a few female friends listen to her 1 minute voice message, and they all agree she wants me, or at least has strong feelings towards me, they say they can hear it in her voice.

[melrich]

Talking to me period is disrespectful, right?

 

I don't know if its disrespectful but I do think you should ask her to stop contacting you because it is certainly not making things easy for you.

 

And if you make that request then she should certainly respect your wishes and let you get on with your life.

[Regretfulman]

i dont think she is being honest with herself, all the girls i have asked said that she would not be behaving the way she is if she didnt still have serious interest in me. Why on earth would she initiate all of our talks? Why would she leave me a message right after work, for one minute? Why would she do this stuff unless she had feelings?

[Regretfulman]

I just thought of something, i sent my ex a text message asking her to call me before she goes to sleep, whenever she finally responds to it, which could be tonight or tomorrow or whenever, she will ask me what i wanted. Then i will simply say "nevermind, nothing important, i changed my mind", im sure she will be dying to hear what i had to say. If she isn't dying to hear what i have to say, i know she doesnt care. But im sure she will want to know whats up

[Regretfulman]

keep the advice coming folks

[patience]

don't play games, not if you love her, that's not the way to go...you'll just kick yourself in the butt later

 

if she calls you, ask her to get together...you have NOTHING to lose here

 

you need to get some power back, because you are doing everything her way

 

why not tell her that you don't want to talk on IM anymore, but that you are willing to make time for her in person?

[patience]

Why would she do this stuff unless she had feelings?

 

having feelings and acting on those feelings are two different things

 

she may very well still have feelings, but why the heck won't she meet with you...there's no logic there

[melrich]

Why would she leave me a message right after work, for one minute? Why would she do this stuff unless she had feelings?

 

My experience would be the exact opposite. She immediately put this relationship on the friendship level. She was probably assisted in this by not knowing how much she meant to you.

 

She's not thinking about these communications, she's just being friendly, she likes you.

 

Look, if you really want to know just ask her. All we are all doing here is taking wild guesses. Any one of which could be right.

 

Then i will simply say "nevermind, nothing important, i changed my mind", im sure she will be dying to hear what i had to say.

 

These sorts of tricks are so transparent. Peopel are not stupid, they see though these things immediately. I can even hear the conversation she'd have with her friends about it..."he rings me, leaves a message and when I call back he's changed his mind!!....yeah Right."

 

Regretfulman, I'd strongly advise you not to start games like that. They will not work on anyone with a modicum of intelligence.

 

I think you should ask her where her head is at so you know once and for all.

[Regretfulman]

she won't meet me because of the new guy, but i think the real reason is because she is afraid of feeling strongly about me. Seeing me might make her want me again, and i honestly think she is fighting her feelings, due to the fact that she thinks things will go back the way they used to be again, if we did get back together.

[Regretfulman]

good advice, im just having a weak moment over here, when she calls back i will just say i wanted to talk, nothing dramatic.

[Regretfulman]

I Will Say Something Though, Every Girl Who Listened To Her Message To Me Said The Same Thing, And I Asked Random Girls Too, Who Had No Reason To Take My Side. They All Said That You Can Hear In Her Voice How Bad She Wants You. Not Only That, The Message Was Long, One Minute Long, Thats Ridiculous Leaving A Message That Long, She Really Didnt Even Say Anything Important, She Was Obviously Bothered By The Fact That I Wasnt Talking To Her.

[patience]

you might be right...but seriously, how long are you willing to 'wait' to meet with her? another week? another month? another six months?

[melrich]

Regretfulman, she may well be desperately in love with you. The two people who are now replying to your thread are saying to you "TALK TO HER AND ASK HER WHAT HER FEELINGS ARE".

 

You spent 11 months in a relationship with this girl, never becoming official, never telling her your feelings, never making her a part of your family and friends.

 

Now you have spent another 7 weeks trying to work out if her communications with you mean that she loves you.

 

When are you going to work out that YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

[Regretfulman]

bottom line is i feel that she still loves me, but is afraid, she has a new man to help herself forget me, and seeing me would just take her back to the first day of healing for her, and that would not be progress. She is fighting her urges, but she slips along the way, and sometimes i feel she cant control herself when she contacts me. honestly i feel she would brush me off no matter what i said to her, but deep down she would think. I would then walk away and leave her to herself to contemplate the situation. At least she would know how i felt and if she decided to come back, she would know there is a chance i would take her back. By not talking to her after i express my feelings, she would see im moving on and not going to wait for her. I think this combination could send her back to me, may not though, but im hoping. My plan is tell her how i feel and walk away for good, then unless she contacts me asking for a second chance, im going to ignore her, sound good?