Advice Needed

[Regretfulman]

Ok, I've been posting here alot lately, and some of you know my story, but if you don't, here is the short version.

 

My ex and I dated for 11 months, during that time we were together, but never officially boyfriend/girlfriend, due to my hesitation. she asked me many times to be a couple, and I refused. She also told me she loved me many times, and I never said it back. She introduced me to everyone in her life, family, friends, co-workers, and I never introduced her to anyone in my life. Needless to say, she was frustrated and not happy due to the fact that I was not giving her what she needed emotionally.

 

We had fun together, but we also fought often, and it always went back to the fact that I wouldn't commit to her. Finally I decided to tell her I wanted more from her, one week later she dumped me. Now she is seeing someone new and according to her they are happy together.

 

Since the breakup, 7 weeks ago, she is the one who always initiates contact with me. I did 1 month of total NC, then she started calling and e-mailing and instant messaging me. She tells me she misses me, thinks of me, and cares deeply for me. I asked her to hangout but she refuses to do so. I'm finding it hard being just her friend, so I usually stick to NC with her. The other night she messaged me and she seemed so happy to talk to me, as she usually is. I can't help but wonder how she would react if she knew how strongly I felt about her. Since the breakup, I have not asked her to get back together either. I'm thinking of laying my feelings out on the table, since I never did it before when we were together, and then leaving the ball in her court.

 

What do you guys think? Some people tell me that she needs to know how i feel about her, since i never told her, and some people of course say, forget her, let her come to you. Any advice is appreciated

[Regretfulman]

I'm Not Looking For Long Answers If You Don't Feel Like Giving Them. Just A "yes", Tell Her How You Feel, Or "no", Stick To No Contact. Your Opinions Are Helpful, Thank You Very Much

[melrich]

If you have not told her since the break up how you feel and what sort of relationship that you want then you should. But then as you say, leave the ball in your court.

 

It is weird she would break up with you a week after you finally tell her how you feel.

 

Why did it take you so long?

[Regretfulman]

i guess i just move slowly, this breakup is all my fault, i know. I think she met some guy right around the time I finally told her what I wanted from her. I think she just got tired of dealing with me, and wanted to try someone new. I have never told her I love her though, and im wondering if that will make a difference. maybe i should tell her how i feel and that i want a second chance, and then go to NC

[Ms Omaniac]

well...this is what i think. i might be way off here but im putting myself in her shoes and am telling you what i would want.

if i was her...and i was crazy about you but you held back too much...i would still be crazy about you but try to ween myself off of you because i would feel like the relationship is too one-sided and that would scare me. mind you...i would still be crazy about you.

if i finally broke up with you but couldnt manage to do nc so i keep calling, emailing, texting..etc...it means i cant get you outta my head despite how much i want to.

if you put your cards out on the table and told me everything id finally wanted to hear...personally....i would DEFINITELY try to work things out with you.

i might get slack for this because normally...when you end a relationship...you should try to move forward and not look back. that's thinking with your head. now thinking with your heart...that's much harder to do with clear logic.

that's just my 2 cents.

[melrich]

Well it does not hurt to tell her.

 

But I'd ask you, are you looking at this girl and the relationship through rose colored glasses. 11 months is a long time to go without making any attempt to even "officially" become b/f and g/f.

 

I think you should have a really, really honest conversation with yourself.

 

Think back to the times during the relatiosnhip and ask yourself what it was that made you so hesitant to make even small commitments. I don't think the truth is that you just move slowly. 11 months is not moving slowly, it is going backwards.

[Regretfulman]

Ms_Omaniac, thank you for your opinion, i agree with you totally. She claims to be happy with this new guy, but she keeps contacting me. I've been very good about not contacting her, although when she does call, i do get weak and let her know im upset, but i have yet to tell her those 3 little words. A few weeks ago she even left me a 1 minute voice message right after work, i think she thought i was ignoring her or something because she called the day before and i didnt answer. I know she still loves me, she told me just 4 days before she left me. I just don't know what to think of this new guy

[Beec]

I would not go to her and tell her you want her back. No way, no how, uh-uh, and I would not expect that to do you any good. I would just expect that to allow her to think she can let her new thing run it's course and if it does, you will be waiting. You don't want her thinking this, ever.

 

What you do want her to have is an idea that if she does come back, things will be different. She won't want to come back to the same relationship (well, she might), but she will want to come back to something that both was good enough for 11 months and is even improved. And I would do that by expressing regret for the things you did and did not do, and by expressing hope you don't repeat that in any future relationships (indicating with anyone else).

 

And ask someone else out soon.

[Regretfulman]

I'm just so confused, sometimes i think a rose under her windshield wiper while she is at work would do the trick, at least soften her up for me. I don't know what to think

[Regretfulman]

I Have Gone Out With 5 Other Girls Since The Breakup, It Doesnt Work. I Messed This Thing Up With Her, And Something Tells Me That She Needs To Hear How I Feel For Once, Doesnt She Deserve That After 11 Months And After She Told Me Her Feelings Many Times? This Is Not A Typical Breakup Story, I Know She Still Loves Me And Is Probably Using The New Guy To Forget Me, A Distraction Because She Figures I Am A Lost Cause. I Need To Show Her I Am Not A Lost Cause, Don't I?

[Regretfulman]

i agree that no contact is always the best policy, and thats what i plan to do once i let her know my feelings. I think if she knows now, once and for all, how i feel about her, she will think about things. Then by walking away after telling her, and breaking off all contact, she will know that im not going to wait around for her in the meantime, it sends 2 messages to her, both that she needs to hear

[Beec]

Regretfulman, I would not do it by declaring current feelings, but by showing regret and apologizing for not doing it when you were together. She will get as clsoe to the right message as possible if you do this. Speak of what you did not do and regret for it, not of how you feel now, except for the regret prt.

[Regretfulman]

i know what you are saying, but i think one of the major things missing from the relationship was love, from my side. girls are very emotional and they need to hear things, be reassured, and comforted, i never did those things for her. I'm not saying that by telling my feelings she will jump back to me, but she will surely think deeply about us. I don't want things to get too serious between her and the new guy before she finds out about my feelings, it will be too late.

[heloladies21]

Because she's with another man NC and don't look back would be the best thing for you to do, but you're not ready for it yet. So do this.

 

Call her up right now and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know how much you care and want to get back together and all that. Don't hold back. It won't change her mind now or later, but it's something you need to do before you can cross over and go NC for real. Holding back any further and you'll just be stringing yourself along.

[Regretfulman]

I agree that i do need to get things off my chest, and it would help. I'm a supporter of NC in every case, even mine. The only thing different with my case is the fact that i was the one holding back during the relationship, and i feel that she needs to finally know what is going on inside me, not that it will change things, but she should know. since my love was the one major thing missing, who knows it could sway her

[Regretfulman]

keep the opinions coming here, lol

[Beec]

i know what you are saying, but i think one of the major things missing from the relationship was love, from my side. girls are very emotional and they need to hear things, be reassured, and comforted, i never did those things for her. I'm not saying that by telling my feelings she will jump back to me, but she will surely think deeply about us. I don't want things to get too serious between her and the new guy before she finds out about my feelings, it will be too late.

 

I don't think this will work. I might let her know that I regretted not telling her that I lved her, because I did. But, I would not tell her I still was in love. She could think it, but I would not say it.

 

However, you seen to have your mind made up, and I wish you luck.

[Bethany]

If you really, really need to get this off your chest and feel if you don't tell her you will never have peace of mind, because you know now that she is the one for you, and you have no more doubts about her and cannot spend another day with her not knowing this... then do it, tell her.

But not because she rejected you and you cannot take heartbreak anymore. Listen to yourself and decide which one you really are before you make any moves at reconcilliation.

 

But know before you do, that she has a BF who may be giving her the love she needs and she might choose him over you, and that she may only come back to you because she is worried about you and feels responsible and is trying to make it better.

It's a big risk and I hope if you decide to tell her you REALLY DO mean it, for both your sakes.

[Regretfulman]

Well i do mean it, this is a classic case of "you dont know what you have until it's gone". The new guy I'm not too worried about anyways, they have only been dating 3 weeks, plus i think he is just a distraction from me. Another thing to consider is that when we first talked after the breakup, i was the one to inform her i was dating other people, then she told me she was. I'm not even 100% sure she is telling the truth, could just be to be even with me.

[Regretfulman]

another thing about my case is this: i think maybe my ex does have second thoughts about dumping me. She is not the type to risk rejection herself, so i think i might have to meet her halfway. So far, she has been the one contacting me, giving me mixed signals, maybe im the one who needs to lay it out there and see what she says

[Regretfulman]

More opinions welcome please, lol

[lady00]

Well...about the new guy, I wouldn't make any assumptions. Frankly, you don't know how happy she really is with him. It's also possible that she likes you both but believes that her new relationship is working better than her relationship with you did. I think right now, given how the relationship with you went, she will be really reluctant to return to you if things are working with her new bf. I'm not sure what to tell you. I agree with what another one of the posters said that you really need to think hard about why you didn't tell her how you felt when you were together. Are you 100% sure that you are really into her? I think the first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up about it. Try not to let yourself regret the past. You didn't do anything terrible. You did what your feelings at the time told you to do. Now you're re-thinking things, which is fine but you as a general rule, once someone has a significant other, I discourage others from trying to get together with them. If she says she's happy with him, take her word for it. If you want to be her friend, do so. If being just friends would hurt you, then don't. If she's wondering why you're not being as responsive to her as she would like and she tells you as much, maybe express to her as Beec said what your regrets are and how that makes you feel. But definitely don't put yourself out there as someone waiting around.

[Juha]

I think that she does still have feelings for you but made her mind up that it was not worth it anymore to lay herself out there for you anymore...

 

Now if you go and tell her everything she was looking to hear when you were together more than likely she will take it one of two ways...

 

She left and you did not think she would and now you realize what you had but she is done and scared of letting you back in or she will be mad about why did you wait to tell me all of this now that I broke up with you and she will be angry at you...

 

Either way I think you are done with her, at least for the time being....She needs time away from you to let the hurt go away...Go NC and she will be curious about you in time then she can see that you are regretful and not afraid of your feelings...

 

If not hopefully you will find another that you feel the same about...

 

I was in the same boat and all it did was push her away more...SHe is with someone else and I am NC, I don't know if I will ever feel this way about anyone else but I have learned from my mistake that I will not hold back if I ever feel that way about anyone again...

 

I also understand what you say about dating other people as I feel it is just trying to occupy yourself and they don't really mean anything to you...So I just stopped dating until I felt better and took care of me, I now go out and meet people...

 

 

 

Good luck...

[Regretfulman]

Thanks for all your advice, i know i messed this one up, and only time will tell if i get a chance to fix it in the future. I just feel like I've been robbed, because i kept all my feelings to myself all that time, and they were dying to come out. Now that we are done, they are coming out but the timing is all wrong, what a mess.

[Regretfulman]

I just keep getting mixed signals from her, I mean when we talk she brings up about little things i did for her to make her feel special. We do talk about our memories and stuff, and then on the other hand, she tells me how its not right to hang out so soon. She says there are too many feelings on both sides to see each other so soon. I think she is afraid to see me and have a rush of feelings hit her. I mean, her signals are totally mixed, they make me so confused. She sends me a 1 minute voice message, brings up about our memories and even pet names for each other, come one, thats silly to bring that up if she just wants to remain friends, any agree?