One month since Breakup, 6 Days NC, Still hurting :(

[Lion-Guy]

Ok so it has been a month now since my ex told me she wanted a break, i.e. breakup after 3 years. She no longer wanted a serious relationship with me.

 

We haven't really talked much. She would instant message me and ask how things are going. I told her I was still interested in working things out but understand that she wanted space. Last week she really tried hard to hold onto me as her friend but not a boyfriend. She told me that if we can't be friends there is no way for her to know if we could try things again. I stood my ground and told her that I didn't want to be just her friend. I haven't talked to her since.

 

It has now been 6 days NC since we last spoke. She IM'd me a few times during the week just saying "HI" but I never responded. It honestly made me feel good to not respond, but that feeling quickly wore off.

 

I was hoping that the NC would give me time to heal and maybe allow her to miss me. I haven't seemed to heal much to tell you the truth. The last few days have been real tough. I feel so lonely. So bored. So depressed. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. They only thing I enjoy is working out and staying healthy, but you can only do so much of that. I try to do the things that once interested me, but they seem to be so dull and have no purpose. I hate this feeling. I wish it on no one.

 

I feel like she has lots of girlfriends to hangout with every night, which is probably making it easy for her to get her mind of things. She is the kind of girl that would rather ignore the problem than open up and talk about it. I can only guess that she is hurting inside but won't let others see it.

 

I on the other hand don't have a lot of friends in town since I am new here. I have met a lot of people, but none who I am really close with. I am trying my best to go out a lot and meet more people. I do have a very supporting family that I am very thankful for.

 

This healing process seems so slow and I seriously don't think I can handle this pain and discomfort much longer. For 30 days now I have felt like a drug addict itching for a fix. I am afraid that the NC and by not responding to her IM's has pushed her away even more.

[ehm doubleyou]

I am going throught the same thing my friend....why be demoted to friendship status after being in a relationship? I see this time and time again on these forums where the women want to still be friends but not romantically...F that I say ...so you still be friends until the ex g/f finds a new man....then what?...is she still gonna want to hang out like friends with you?....probably not...the new b/f would probably not like that either...when she says still be friends its more like still be friends until I meet someone new and dont need you anymore. The only way to still be friends is to have n/c for awhile and if both parties have new loves in their lives. Take care and hang in there...

 

mw

[Dregnought]

Breakups can be hard, i know. I still feel a little for a friend. But you will move on, i was dare i say lucky (i dont beleave in luck that much) that my ex and i are friends, but not everyones so lucky. Right now, just focus on you, things will get better.

[bsp_kjm]

Lion-Guy, I am right there with you, but its only been 2 weeks for me. I told my ex that I was not comfortable with just being friends and that I know she wants her space, but I want to work things out. She cant give me an answer on why she just wants to be friends and its killing me. I also do not think I can hack this much longer. She wants to see me the weekend after Thanksgiving and I really dont know where that is gonna take us.

 

I'm just as lost as you, man. At least you know you are not the only one going through such confusion and pain. Im sorry I cannot be of any help... I seriously do not know what to do at all. Reading all these threads and advice her at enotalone is somewhat helpful, but does not give the answers I seek, and I'm sure you feel the same...

 

I have a question for you: what is her excuse for initiating the "break" and "needing space"?

 

Why must they make us suffer?

[Mstyiyd]

Similar situation in my life as well....only I initiated NC after I decided I didnt want to be treated like an attractive doormat (no abuse occurred, just the "want their cake and eat it too" syndrome from her)......she broke it last month and I caved in and we have been talking on and off....I believe my ex just wanted to party and see what's out there just in case...she hasnt to my knowledge dated anyone but eyes are always peeled.....I take "needing space" as wanting to explore other options but if you were good to your ex deep down they know it (their lack of maturity level prohibits them from acknowledging it) but wont admit it, but at some point they realize they had a good thing, ---a good lover and a good friend if that's what you were. And alot of the dumpers in cases like this want their cake and eat it too.....keep you as a friend because good true friends are hard to find. You can party w/anyone but unconditional loyalty is like finding a pure diamond---very rare.

If the exes do hook up, or when they do, its usually w/someone who is trashy or way below a "good dumpers" level.....they dont have the same expecatations that were present when they were with us.

....this is some of what i think, hope it helps a bit, stay strong all.......

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks for the kind words BSP. I am very sorry that you are in the same situation and feeling the same way. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that there are no constants in life. Things are always changing. I loved being in a relationship with my girl but realize now that things tend to change. While we are both feeling sad right now, we should find happiness in the fact that these feelings will change. Who knows, by this time next year we might meet new wonderful ladies to spend the rest of lives with. Keep you head up man. Here is a quote that I really like:

 

"Your battle is in the mind! Be optimistic! Look on the bright side of things. The battle is in your mind! People are as happy as they decide to be. Happiness is a decision. The battle is in your mind. You must tell your thoughts what to think! The battle is in the mind! What are you thinking about? Stay away from unpleasant thoughts!! Dont think about sad things! Think about glad things! Try it now! It works! The battle is in the mind! Be happy!

 

GOD IS LOVE

REV RUN"

 

 

The reason she gave me for the breakup was that she felt like we were getting too serious. We both moved to a new and exciting city and she wanted to go out all the time, while I was content with staying in and spending time with her. Plus I was spending a great deal of my time studying for post grad school, while she was working 9-5. She met some new people (big partiers) who seemed to have skewed her mind and made her realize that there might be more things out there than me. Basically she changed a lot over the last 6 months, while I stayed the person I was. We should have been growing and changing together.

[heloladies21]

You do good to stay in NC. 6 days is not long enough at all. It will take more time to work. Don't buy into her B.S. about staying friends. Being her friend will not bring her back. It's pretty selfish of her to say that and you should feel mad about it. Keep doing what you're doing and you will get better. I see it happen all the time around here and it happened to me as well.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks heloladies21. 6 days seems like an eternity to me right now. Although I know you are right that it is not long. I am having a hard time getting my mind off things with the usual things that interest me.

 

 

You are so right Mstyiyd when you say "You can party w/anyone but unconditional loyalty is like finding a pure diamond---very rare. "

 

The first week that we broke up my EX when out partying every night with her co-workers. A few days later she was home, sick on a friday night because of all the partying. Then, I heard from her friend that she didn't feel like she would ever meet an quality guys at the bars and was disappointed. She also told me herself a week ago that her new friends from work were lame. Although the disappointments obviously haven't been enough for her to get back together with me.

 

I have felt the same way as well. After going out and meeting new girls, it is fun for the moment, but there is something missing at the end of the night. The loyalty, trust, love and appreciation of a long term relationship. It takes months and years to build that with someone. In some ways I miss THAT more than my ex.

[Mstyiyd]

Amen to that, Mr. Lion! For me, friendships (just friendships) are like falling in love. For me, life is too short to build my world around a bunch of acquaintances who mean very little to me. I would rather have a few close friends I can count on one hand then a bunch of superficial ones at a bar or whatever. I may not have the active social schedule my ex g/f has but at least I know who I could call if I needed to at 3am. And you can be friends or dating someone for years before a crisis hits and you see the other person's true character, if they are there for you or not.

My ex had actually experienced that, during her cancer and breakup there were a # of people she thought were going to be there unconditionally all the time for support or what have you, and they weren't. That's what I dont get in my own situation....she's BEEN through it and recognized it, yet I feel like she's become one of them and in a way, has done the same thing to me. Sigh sigh sigh..........

From what I have learned, when they go out and party (whether its a new behavior of theirs or an old one coming out of the woodwork) it is so they can blow off steam, show off, bury their emotions in the beer, music, and loud idiotic people......its a superficial setting, you can easily get sucked into that type of lifestyle, and you dont really have to think. Its all about appearances, an excuse to condone behaviors that otherwise would be unacceptable.

[bsp_kjm]

The reason she gave me for the breakup was that she felt like we were getting too serious. We both moved to a new and exciting city and she wanted to go out all the time, while I was content with staying in and spending time with her. Plus I was spending a great deal of my time studying for post grad school, while she was working 9-5. She met some new people (big partiers) who seemed to have skewed her mind and made her realize that there might be more things out there than me. Basically she changed a lot over the last 6 months, while I stayed the person I was. We should have been growing and changing together.

sounds just like my ex and I. I was a partier before i met her, then was completely content stayin home with her. she met new people who party all the time, and i believe they had a hand in making her realize that she wanted more than just hanging out with me. it really makes me feel like im worthless, like as if partying and being around people she barely knows is more important than all of the times, emotions, and love we shared...

[Lion-Guy]

BSP Kim from your comments I feel like our situations are very similar. It is certainly hard to get back into partying and hanging out in what is sometimes “superficial environments” after you are accustomed to staying home with your ex and spending quality time together.

 

I have a quick question. It has been 8 days NC. I have not responded to any of her messages and I have not contacted her myself.

 

She called at noon and I didn't answer. She left a voice mail, wondering what I have been up to and hoped that I would give her a call back. Tomorrow marks our 3 year anniversary if we were together.

 

 

So do I ignore the voicemail and stick with NC, return her call or wait until tomorrow and return the call? What would you guys do in this situation?

[heloladies21]

Don't return the call at all. Nothing in her message hints to anything about reconsidering her decision. Don't misread intentions. Let her be, you're still not ready to let her contact you.

[bsp_kjm]

i have no idea what i'd do. id want to call, but at the same time I'd want to keep the NC... I'm a very weak person and I'd prolly break down and call on the anniversary...

[Hawk]

I would not call - the fact that it is your anniversary really only means something if you were back together. You are doing really well and trust the people who have used NC to get over someone that the longer you can stick with it the better you start to feel. There are always going to be special days that are going to remind you of your ex - must say that I really can't stand the thought of Christmas this year.

[Dogg]

I'm starting to get a bit worried from reading all of these posts about people being in NC and ignoring their ex's attempts to contact them. My ex broke up with me a little more than three weeks ago, and aside from one phone conversation in which she told me that it is pretty much over for good and definitly at least for now, I have not tried to contact her at all, BUT, what is worrying me is that she has not tried to contact me either...is this a very bad sign? I do not know what to think...its probably no good though...

[Lion-Guy]

Don't return the call at all. Nothing in her message hints to anything about reconsidering her decision. Don't misread intentions. Let her be, you're still not ready to let her contact you.

 

Ok so quick update. I didn't call her back or return her voice message.

 

It has been 17 days complete No Contact. Over the first week she tried to contact me 2 times (one phone call and one IM). She no longer has tried to contact me. I am not sure if she has simply put me out of her mind, or if she just gave up after I didn't call her back?

 

Overall I feel much better about my breakup. Over 40 days now and I never would have believed that I feel as good as I do so soon. I would say I am 80 % healed from heartbreak. Time and NC really do the trick. No longer is my EX the first thing on my mind when I come home. I am so glad that I didn’t fall for the just friends trap. Thanks to all of you for that.

 

I have since met a striking young lady and we have gone out a few times. Not sure if we will just become friends, or if a relationship with develop but it makes me feel good and gives me hope that there are other great women out there.

 

Chances of getting back together with the EX?

 

Hmm doesn’t look so good since she hasn’t put much effort into getting a hold of me. I certainly am not going to go out of my way to reconcile anything. She will need to be the one to make the effort and show me that she has changed.

 

So what do the rest of you usually do after 2-3 months of NC with the EX. Do you meet up for coffee to talk and see how they are feeling? Do you return their calls IF they end up calling? Do you wait until you are 100% over them and satisfied with yourself before you make contact? Do you avoid contact and never see them again? I mean there is certainly is not chance of reconciliation if there is no contact.

[Hawk]

I would only get in contact with them if I was absolutley positive that I had put in enough time and distance to make sure that talking with them doesn't undo all the good work that I had put in. And if I had a shadow of doubt I wouldn't do it, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to do all that work again.

 

And if I still thought that there was a chance of reconciliation, then to me that means that I am not at the point where I would feel strong enough to do it. I think the only thing that could get me talking to them when I still feel the way I do is to hear the words "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I want to work on us."

[heloladies21]

At this point you've crossed over. If she tries to get a hold of you, you should be strong enough to accept contact. Be cool, but brief and get her off the phone. If she decides that she made a mistake, she's going to have to do all the work of getting in touch and convincing you that she deserves another chance and it can't be easy for her to get you back.

 

Most likely she will contact you. Whether or not she's going to be serious and not just checking to see if you're available as a back up plan will only be seen through her actions. Be careful.

[Buli]

Well it's been a month since my "galfriend" told me she needed a "break". She said it was not as if she wanted to break up with or love me any less, just that she needs a break. I can't lie all the signs that it may be over are there, but I do n't know what to do. It is as if I'm denial. I keep on hoping she will call.

It is secretly destroying me. My boys say I need to be out there and stop being a sissy, but hey I really do love her. Something in my head keeps on telling me if she were to come back I would welcome her. However, not without finding a reason for the break up.

What do you in a situation where you don't know if you still have a gal or not???

Last night my boys and I went out with some fine a** gals - I mean the kind that won't make your gal sing the Toni Tone Tony song "This is your man I'm not impressed". I've hit a couple of my old booty calls but I realise that I'm bno longer cut for that - I need my "gal" in my life.

Please tell me if she does not come back that I'll be fine.

[Lion-Guy]

Ok so she IMd me today happy holidays and I didn't reply for a while. Then I decided to write her back a quick "same to you" and signed off.

 

I found out from a friend today that she went on a date the other night, made out with the guy and he ended up spending the night. (probably because her roomate isout of town and she is home alone this week) Not what I wanted to hear. It doesn’t sound like her because I know she is a very modest girl and I wouldn't think that she would make out with some one after only a date or two. Especially let him spend the night?

 

Maybe she is just dying for comfort at this point and is not respecting herself? There is nothing worse than hearing about the girl you love, having a great time with another guy.

 

I was feeling much better until I heard this. About a month and a half since we broke up and this behavior gives me little hope that she still loves me or would ever want to try things again. NC, please help me continue to heal.

[moondog627]

First things first, tell your friend you don't want to hear about your ex. I learned the hard way that NC includes not asking friends about her. Second, don't assume she's having a great time. Focus on having a great time yourself. Good luck....

[Lion-Guy]

Ok thanks. I will do that. Today was the day that I told myself either she needs to make an effort to get me back or I will truly move on. I told her that I see no reason for us to talk and she said "fine"! I wished her the best and told her to take care of herself. I might have really closed to door on her there.

 

I just feel horrible for giving her to the respect to answer her IM after what I heard. Screw that!!! This girl made me feel like I wasted 3 years of my life. I don't want to let her waste anymore of it.

[heloladies21]

Yes, everything you say is right. Time now to make your life the best it's ever been.

 

One door closes, but plenty more will open. Trust me on this.

[Lion-Guy]

I know you are correct that many more doors open, but damm it is hard to think that right now.

 

I broke down and called her, just because I didn't want her to think that I was mad at her and didn't want her to have negative thoughts of me. I know it was totally wrong but it happened. Luckily she didn't answer and I just left a message saying sorry for not returning her phone calls last week and hoped that she was doing well.

 

I wish I could get myself to not think about the ex for the next month and just live life. I hope to be turning over a new leaf today.

[Hannibal]

Ok yeah theres a lot of posts here and I didnt really read all of them. However I must tell you that you did an excellent thing. Something I wish I would've done, telling her that you dont want to be just friends. That is honestly the best thing that you could've done in this situation.

 

She took away something from you, the relationship, so what makes her think that you owe her a friendship? All that is is her keeping you around as a back up, something that she knows she can go back to. You don't have that comfort so it's only fair to take that away from her. She broke up with you, you don't her squat!

 

Now to follow my own advice!