I have to know if he's seeing someone else

[sweetsmile]

He broke up with me 1 month ago after lots of fights for almost 4 years. He didn't feel good or trust me at the end of the relationship. He told me he wasn't happy for the last year, but I was like his drug so he couldn't let me go. He broke up all the time but kept coming back. Finally he broke up for good I think. I was still hoping he'd call me, but he doesn't this time. I don't call him either since he seems to not want to being friends, he doesn't want me back he said right after the break-up. I crossed him twice on the street and he didn't say hi, just ignored me. Now I feel that he's seeing someone else and I just have to know if it's true to be able to go on. I can't believe that he would fix not contacting me for so long if that wasn't the reason. Shall I call him and ask or shall I spy on him or what shall I do to find out? It hurts so much

[Serendipity1607307077]

Sometimes people deal with their emotions in different ways. A lot of people deal with their emotions and breakups by using No Contact to help them get through it... when I broke up with my ex I did the same thing - I ignored him when I past him as well..

 

I understand that it hurts, but if he wanted to talk to you I guess he would be calling you... just respect his wish for no contact so he can get thorugh his feelings - maybe he is just feeling really depressed at the moment and needs some time alone to think...

 

What do you feel gave him reason to not trust you?

[sweetsmile]

Well, we broke up so many times since we didn't get along. There was passion and love, but nothing else worked, so we didn't feel good in the relationship, so we broke up very often but got back again only after a week or so, cause we missed each other. During every break I tried to meet other guys....I really wanted it to be over....so I dated so many people including his best frinds who were also interested in me. He found out every time, and didn't trust me anymore. He was very unhappy and stopped planning his life with me, which was a horrible feeling. It was a matter of time when he would leave me for good. Well finally he did, but I was so sure that he would contact me again, since he was angry at me and since I felt he still loved me. He told me this was the last time and told me we could talk sometimes if I needed to. I first told him I can't be his friend, but the day after I called him and told him I need to talk. I spoke to him twice, but felt that he wasn't happy about it. I tried to win him back, but he said that if i think i'm gonna win him back, i shouldn't call anymore. He wants to be only friend. Anyway, I met him with his son on the street twice during the same week and he didn't even say hi. I was so chocked. I also sent him a e-card on his birthday and he didn't say thanks. It's so unusual for being him. I mean before he would have taken any chances to get in touch with me, and now this. thereforeeee I feel like he's seeing someone else now. I really would like to know, but i'm too scared to call him and ask. I'm not sure if he would hang up the phone or if he would be happy. What shall I do?? I feel like i have to know, i feel like spying on him to check if he's with someone, but i don't really dare to.

 

But did your ex ever contact you? What happened between you? Why did you break up and never talk to him again? Didn't he call you to check? Did you meet someone else? How do you feel today?

[Hawk]

I was going to spy on my ex to find out if there was someone else and I spoke to my best friend about and he made me realise that there was nothing but pain in for me. What could I possibly gain by finding out? It's not going to change anything - she has moved on and if I got busted spying on her then it just makes me seem desperate, pathetic and a little crazy.

[sweetsmile]

Yeah, I know. That's why I don't do it and i dont call him, even though i feel like it. It's just something i would like to know, i don't know why. Maybe i would be able to move on more quickly after that i guess, if i knew that he really doesn't love me anymore?

[annie24]

Well, there is nothing to gain, I think, by finding out if he is dating someone new. Honestly, you two have had such a roller-coaster ride of a relationship, maybe he just needs a clean break from you. Let him go.

 

Look at it this way, knowing whether or not he's seeing someone won't help you move on. If he is seeing someone else, he may be seeing her because he really likes her, or just to have someone to go get coffee with and dinner with. When my ex and I broke up, I started dating new guys a week later, not because I didn't care for my ex, but because I was so hurt, I needed someone to occupy the hole in my heart, if you understand what I mean.

 

If he isn't seeing someone else, he could very well start dating someone new soon. Or, he may just not want a relationship right now.

 

Either way, whether or not he's dating someone isn't about YOU or his feelings for you. It's about him and what he wants right now.

 

No contact. Cut your ties to him.

[WildChild]

Sometimes things that are broken just can't be fixed

[sweetsmile]

Annie, the guys you dated, was it anything serious or you just needed to get attention from somebody. could you let go from calling or contacting your ex at all? Didnt he contact you either? Didn't you find out if he was seeing someone else?

[annie24]

Well, in that particular situation, I needed guys to date, to feel "good about myself" again. To feel that lots of guys wanted me. I was hoping some might turn into something serious, but honestly, I didn't like any of the guys as much as I liked my ex. I eventually got over my ex, but it just took time. He didn't contact me either, I didn't contact him. It was over and done with, we just weren't right for each other. What's the point in contacting and reopening old wounds?

 

My ex and I have some mutual friends, and a friend of mine would mention to me that my ex had a romantic interest, but I would stop my friend right there! I said, "hey - I don't want to know!!!" But yes, I'm sure he's dated other girls since me, but I don't know how serious any of those relationships were. And honestly, I don't care. Good for him, I hope he finds happiness. (And I hope I find it too )

[sweetsmile]

Oh my God, you are soo good. I wish I was like you, but I can't pretend being something i'm not. I think i'm obsessed and i've been obsessed by this man the whole time. Even though i know we can't be together and i know i will feel alot better without him eventually, i just can't stop thinking about him. How am I supposed to think, i don't know? i feel so hurt if he's already seeing someone, i can't help that. How long were you two together? Was the breakup a long time ago? So even though you didn't love the other guys, you still didn't want to go back to your ex? Who broke up? I cant immagining never ever talking to my ex again, but i suppose that will be the case. Is that normal that you never talk again? That makes me even more sad. I wish i was as strong and determined like you are. Didn't you EVER contact him after the break?

[annie24]

Well, that was a year ago. We only dated for a few months. So, it wasn't like a super long relationship. I would have to see him, because we go to the same school, and I can't help but bump into him on the street. We'd make chit-chat. But, nothing personal. We exchanged one e-mail. It was really mutual, the breakup. Things just didn't feel right. But, once you know a person is wrong for you, why keep going back? The sooner you move on, the sooner you can find the person you IS right for you.

[blueyed99]

I am not advocating this but if you really need to know, one option is to order his phone records. It's best if he usually makes and receives calls from his cell phone. If not, however, it's still an option. I know .. it's not the most mature nor ethical option but it will most likely provide you with the information you need. You'll be able to see all of the incoming and/or outgoing calls that he's made which will give you a good indication of who he has been speaking to. You'll recognize most of the numbers (to friends and family -- they'll be consistent numbers throughout the report) but the ones that you don't recognize can be researched in greater detail. In other words, you can find out who (the name, location) whatever number in question is registered to. This is how I found out my ex was seeing someone. I noticed a number on the "Phone Records Report" that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It hadn't been called before the initial day in which it appeared but was suddenly appearing on the report everyday after! In other words, suddenly he was calling this same number four to five times a day! But, never before. After some research I realized the person with the registered number in question was, infact, the girl my ex had started dating.

 

The phone records report is a bit $$ but I do think (for me) it was worth it. I needed answers! You can order them online through and/or you can get other information through

 

[annie24]

I really don't think this is a good idea at all. It's a serious invasion of privacy. On top of it, if he isn't dating someone right now, he will be at some point in the future. Better to decide in your head that it's over and leave it at that.

 

You never know why a person is repeatedly calling the same number. Could be for a million different reasons. When I am dating someone, we don't call each other 5 times a day. Maybe 3 times a week, so his number can't really be differentiated from anyone else's I call...

[renaissancewoman101]

Blueeyed99, I have done what you did, but I had every right to since the phone bills came to my house and the cell phone and plan is in my name. My ex still has the cell phone that I gave him and he shares my plan with me, although I have never asked him to pay for it. After he broke up with me, I was wondering if he was going to find a new gf, so I checked on the phone records attached to his phone. I found a number that he had called often but for long periods of time (like hours) and I did a reverse callback on the number and it belonged to someone I knew (a guy) but he has two daughters and after seeing some photos that the guy posted online about his family and his daughters at a party, I put one and one together and figured out who he was dating. I also found out for sure from our mutual friend. She gave me the low down on the whole situation.

[annie24]

True Renwoman - since you are the owner of the phone, you have every right to see who he is calling.

 

I hope you got your phone back by now! Let his new gf give him her phone!

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie24, I am going to try and get the phone back from him sometime this week. I am actually in a good mood right now. I have finally made the decision to move back to CA. I am moving to San Diego by the 16th of Dec and today I starting calling around moving companies to see how much it will cost me to move. I have started calling around to get quotes on insurance and all that. I need to start cleaning up my place and packing stuff away in boxes. I am also going to give my 30 day notice tomorrow or Wed., and next week I will give my two weeks notice at work.

 

It is scary for me to do this and I hope I can keep up this momentum. There are times I miss the ex so much and I am afraid of going after something new. But, if I keep my hopes up and my self-image good, I can conqueor anything and I can find a new bf and start a new life over again.

 

I am scared to see the ex this week to get my phone back. I still need to call him to get it back. He hates my guts esp after last weekend.

 

BTW, I dont think his new gf even has a cell phone. BTW, she is only 18 years old and he is 32 going on 33.

 

I wish things could have worked out between us, but I want to move on and not dwell anymore.

 

It will be scary to start a new life over, but my best friend will be in the area and I am going out LA this weekend to spend some time with my best friend and get some moving stuff situated.

 

I know that from now until I move out there, there will be times I relapse and miss the ex A LOT, esp with the holidays.

 

It is hard to keep strong but I am trying.

 

BTW, I dont think his new gf even has a cell phone. She is barely 18 and he is 32 going on 33.

[blueyed99]

I know that purchasing an ex's phone records isn't the greatest idea. Like I said, I'm not condoning it .. I'm just putting it out there because I did it and I'm glad I did it. I realize it was an invasion of privacy. Still, I have NO regrets. My ex hurt me terribly (like the many others on this site who have been hurt) and turned into super *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* in the days following our breakup. I didn't deserve to have years of my life taken away from me by some guy who could love em' and leave em' from minute to minute. He moved on within weeks of us breaking up both times that it happened (we split several times -> the years we dated. We went out for a total of nine years). This would be #3. Twice before (and recently, which makes it the 3rd and FINAL breakup for us) he got involved with someone else immediately - in a heartbeat - no regrets. It was infuriating and embarrassing. But, I was idiotic enough to get back together with him .. both times. When things were good, our relationship was bliss. When they were bad, they were sheer hell. Both times that we broke up he would walk away and play these ignore games acting as if he didn't care, getting involved with someone else within weeks, and making a fool out of me and our relationship. This time I'd had enough. I needed to know if he had really done it again - a third time (both times that we got back together he swore he'd never jump into another relationship that quickly again - he knew how much it hurt me but when all went to hell, he'd do it again .. just like the time before) Knowing that he was seeing someone else (for the third and final time it was going to happen!) and having her personal information felt nothing short of empowering. And I needed to feel EMPOWERED. It sounds strange but it helped me to move on. He's a *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*.