Friend thinks sex buddy relationships lead to real relationships

[sweetheart230]

What do you all think? She says she knows a lot of girls who had friends with benefits relationships and they turned into good relationships. One, in particular, says he is really good to her...and they started out as sex friends. They just wanted sex from each other but got to know each other and liked each other.

 

I always thought that guys who would date a girl they used as their sex buddy weren't of the desirable type anyway, but she says he's really good to her friend. None of my just hook up relationships had ever turned into anything more, even if we got along and were friends afterward...including the man I lost my virginity to.

 

I was always led to believe that when you have sex before a relationship, a man will generally lose respect for someone he considers so easy. So why these girls who behaving as if they are "easy" finding relationships? I wonder is there something wrong with me that none of the guys I've had casual hook ups with have wanted more, even if I did.

 

I thought I had it all figured out, but after arguing iwth her over this, I'm starting to reevaluate my thinking. Am I wrong in thinking that it is unhealthy to start a relationship that starts out as friends with benefits? Maybe they can turn into fulfilling relationships and there is somethign wrong with me that they don't want me for more afterward. I want a man to think I'm special...I want meaning behind the physical expression of love. But maybe I'm outdated in my thinking and casual sex with someone can actually be a means of achieving this.

 

Maybe he was attracted to the fact that she behaved like all she wanted was sex...and maybe they would havn't otherwise gotten to know they were compatible if they hadn't started having sex.

 

Am I just too conservative in my thinking? Maybe sexual liberation really has caused men to view sexually promiscuous women respectfully. Any thoughts?

[teacup]

ur friend is totally ridiculous. you cant approach a relationship by offering sex on the table. sure, it may occasionally happen but i highly doubt that in usual cases it leads to anything more.

 

sex is not a bargaining chip for women and it will never be.

 

this is how i see it, if i were a man and you were a pretty young girl offering it to me......and i wanted sex. i would take it, i would enjoy it, i would use you, get great sex, and then because i got what i wanted.....i would walk away. done deal. finished. i got what i wanted. you fulfilled your end of the bargain which was to give me sex. and there is nothing more to do there. the excitement and thrill is gone and i move on.

 

now if you want a relationship, if i were a man, i would want to know who you were as a person, i would want to know what you were like, what are your interests and hobbies, how do you spend your time, what are your values and beliefs and to see if you were worthy of my time and energy to be in a relationship with. i would want to see if i could trust you, respect you or admire you, if i enjoyed your company and if i liked who you were and what you had to offer. i would want to see if you were interesting, fun, admirable and respectful. i would want to see if you were intelligent, nice, kind, sweet, humorous besides just being attractive and pretty.

 

if you came accross as all these things and i started to really enjoy spending the time i spent with you and looking forward to seeing you, then i would want a relationship. but to do this would require spending time together, effort, getting to know one another, patience and honesty. all the components that arent there in a casual sex relationship.

 

in casual sex it's just, hi hello, let's get busy, give each other some affection and go our separate ways. how does this build the bonds and let each other discover the above about each other? in what way does it even say "relationship"?

 

sex is not a bargaining chip. throw that out the window. have sex if you enjoy it, if you respect yourself and if you are willing to go that far and make sure you keep your boundaries. but DO NOT use it to try and get a relationship. that would be stupid.

 

that is why girls should hold out.....dont do too much. make sure he knows you have boundaries. make sure he knows you have moral integirty, make sure he knows you're not easy, make sure he knows u want more than sex, make sure that he's open to considering a relationship as he gets to know you more, make sure he doesnt push and pressure you to have sex, make sure he lets you take the lead, dont give in to his hints and persuasions, make sure u dont get carried away, make sure you respect your body, make sure he respects your body, make sure you respect each other.

 

ur friend is going to screw herself up so bad. ugh. do not be like that.

[Itsok]

If you give it up before you have a commited relationship, who is to say you aren't having sex with multiple partners. That being said, who says he isn't? Not only are the moral implications sick, so are the ideas of STDS. Need I remind you of AIDS?

 

Don't give it up expecting a relationship. If you have sex with a man who you have no commitment to, all you are showing him is that you will have sex with him and that you have low self worth, not that you want a relationship.

[shes2smart]

Sometimes FWBs lead to relationships. Sometimes they don't. What's going to screw up people is having the EXPECTATION that an FWB will lead to a relationship. If you don't have that expectation you reduce the chance that you will be disappointed.

 

FWB has a time and place, and it's not something that can work for everyone. I've done that sort of relationship a couple of times, and there was really only one time that it worked out well for both of us. In that situation, we were both completely honest with each other about what each of us wanted and expected, we stuck to those boundaries (we each did what we said we'd do, and didn't do what we said we wouldn't do), and when the situation changed we renegotiated the relationship. Now, I should note that I knew this guy for about 10 years before sex entered the picture. We were casual acquaintences, but there was no underlying flirting/attraction/unrequited feelings etc. We were actually friends to some degree before the benefits came along.

 

That's what's missing in most FWB situations, and that's what causes the problems IMO....the "friends" part of the equation is weak or completely absent and the "benefits" part of the equation is the main or only component. If there's a balance of the "friends" and the "benefits," it can work...IF it is truly what you both want and you're not expecting it to lead to anything more. If there isn't some sort of friendship (which would imply a certain level of respect) then it's just sex, and don't fool yourself into thinking it's more.

 

As for men respecting women, I think that has everything to do with the individual guy. You can't make a sweeping blanket statement like "men won't respect women they think are easy." According to conventional wisdom, I did everything "wrong" with this one guy when we first met. We chatted for a couple weeks online, met for our first date, and things went so well that I ended up having sex with him on the first date. Recipe for disaster, right? That was a little over 4 years ago...we've been very happily married for the last 3.5 years.

 

Now, I realize that won't happen to everyone nor should anyone expect something like that to happen. I certainly didn't expect it. I chose to have sex because I was into him, I wanted to and I was prepared to deal with the consequences of my actions--whatever those consequences turned out to be.

 

If you're not comfortable with a FWB situation, don't get into one. There are plenty of people who think that kind of relationship isn't right for them. If you believe sex should happen only within the context of a commited relationship, then lead your life that way. Your friend is free to do with her life as she sees fit, don't let her choices cloud your vision of what's right for you.

[annie24]

I strongly second everything that S2S has said. A friend of mine was in a FWB situation and now they are in a serious relationship. It's because that "expectation" of a relationship wasn't there - as they got to know each other better, they realized they liked each other, and now they are very happy together. However, they are the exception, not the rule.

 

If you want a real relationship with someone, why start things off by lying to them and telling them that you want less than you really do? That's not a reciepe for a healthy beginning.

[RayKay]

Shes2Smart said it all very well.

 

There are cases where friends with benefits situations, or where situations that were intended to be one night stands or a short fling, lead into something more. However in every case I know of, the EXPECTATION of that was never there. It DOES have to do with the individual guy, and the individual girl, and you two together as a couple. The elements of a great relationship have to be there, regardless of how early or how late you have sex. If they aren't, it won't go anywhere. And they are indeed the exception, not the rule.

 

If you are to enter a relationship where you compromise your own values and beliefs and have a sexual relationship in order to try and "win them over" into more, I am going to say 99% of the time you will be sorely dissappointed in the end when it does not go that way, or when the relationship is not allowed to build without the added pressure of sex. And the problem is you DO miss out on the "relationship" together OUTSIDE the bedroom - the one where you find out your compatibilities, your interests, your personalities, and sometimes sex can blind you to glaring issues...and two people whom should not be together, ARE together.

 

If you are NOT comfortable with it, DO NOT GET INTO ONE with hopes it will lead to more, as not only will you feel like you are compromising your own values, and devalueing sex for you, but how will you feel if he never wants it to go past sex?

 

I advise that if you feel this way about things, you wait until there is an established relationship before having sex.

[sweetheart230]

I know I've said this before, but it just makes me upset that some girls can just do this and I get all emotional when sex is involved. I never expected a relationship, I guess I just felt as if something was wrong with me for it never springing out of these things. When I used to hook up people used to tell me that the reason I was getting no respect from men was because I was easy. The fact that sex friend relationships can indeed turn into long term relationships just seemed to contradict everything I've heard.

 

Why is it that some women can have sex without feeling attached. I don't understand it. I don't even understand how sex that has no meaning behind it can turn into sex that does have meaning behind it. I guess I'm just naive and don't understand anything at all about love.

 

I walked into a friends with benefits relationship not expecting anything but sex. In the end, I just wound up hurt and wanting more despite what my "lack of expectations". I don't want get hurt again, but I question whether or not I'm missing out.

[novaseeker]

Why is it that some women can have sex without feeling attached. I don't understand it. I don't even understand how sex that has no meaning behind it can turn into sex that does have meaning behind it. I guess I'm just naive and don't understand anything at all about love.

 

Eh, not everyone is arranged to deal with it that way emotionally. People are different.

 

An interesting book discussed this phenomenon: it's called "Admit It, You're Not That Into Him Either" or something similar to that, and in large part it describes the phenomenon of some young women falling into casual sexual relationships with less than completely suitable partners and becoming more emotionally attached than they would have intended (and much more than the guys are in general), resulting in a series of relationships that go nowhere and probably should never have been relationships to begin with. But, there are other young women who seem to be able to manage casual sex more or less as well as men do (the book claims that the number of women who can do this is much smaller than the number of men who can do this, but who knows) ... everyone is different, and it's more important to know your own emotional set-up and so forth so that you can act in ways that reflect that and what you really want and need out of life, rather than what may be the perpectives of others who are different in those areas from you.

[sweetheart230]

A lot of people told me that if we hadn't started out just sex it might have turned into something but it was too late for me to go back and change things. So I suppose I'm just confused again.

 

Just out of curiosity, do you think it is wise for women to enter into these kinds of things? I always believed sex could just be enjoyed for the mere physical pleasure of it, but lately I've started to think that the best sex happens when you take things slowly. But maybe I'm just too emotional about it. Is waiting for the sake of wanting to take things slow and get to know someone first pointless if you're attracted to someone?

[kellbell]

It totally depends on what you want at that time. For example, if you are at the point in your life where you wanted to settle down and have a true and meaningful relationship, then yes, you would take it slow. Because you want to make sure the relationship is not going be based on sex but other things that are meaningful to you. But if you are out having a good time and don't want a committment, then an occasional one night stand is ok. It depends on what you want out of the situation, then you would act accordingly.

One thing that another poster wrote in another thread that is kind of bothering me at the moment, is that this person wrote "girls we gotta be slower and respect ourselves more and do less than what we want. we gotta watch our boundaries and be careful and more slow, not so fast." I am not sure I totally agree with this because I have a lot of respect for myself and I have had one night stands. It's what I wanted. But when I expect more out of a relationship or hope for something more, then yes, my boundries will come into play.

 

As far as FWB, it's skectchy because it depends on all kinds of things. The only way I can think of FWB working is that each partner doesn't get into a relationship with another person. In a lot of cases, one or even both parties, end up having more feelings than just a friend when they get into a FWB relationship. But when the other gets into another relationship, the other feels betrayed and jealous. Not good. I personally, don't feel FWB will lead onto something more and geniune. I mean, it could but not likely. It boils down to what each party hopes to get out of the situation and what each other's expectations are. And as always, communication is key.

 

Interesting topic by the way.

[sweetheart230]

I agree with you, Kellbell. I generally shy away from sex (it hurts still), but I've had purely physical experiences with men that were just flings. And I've enjoyed them for what they were. The only problem I've had is when they pressure me into doing what I don't want to do. My better physical experiences have been based upon more than just physical attraction, though, which is why I've made the decision to not get sexual too quickly.

 

I think FWB is ok for some people, but its so likely that someone will get hurt. And being in college, I've seen a lot of women get into these situations, and sometimes they turn into more serious relationships, but often the man view's it as more of a convenience than anything. I suppose in the end, I just want sex to be special. I don't think sleeping around necessarily indicates lack of self respect. If it pleased me to continue to do so, I would. I think I'm just at the point where I want sex to include tenderness, respect and love. And after going through such a rough time with the last man I was involved in, I wondered why I could never get it from him, and another girl could have casual sex and receive it. But, I guess I don't really want things to start that way, anyway, and I have no idea the quality of her relationship either (my friend has been known to exaggerate things).