Getting Back Together was a TERRIBLE idea.

[nataliejulie]

Something DID happen to me last night. I got into a car accident. OH, he came... an hour and a half later... changed my tire, yelled at me how I'm stupid that I didn't know how to change a tire. I asked him if I could crash on the couch because it was 2 am and I was totally exhausted (I live an hour away). He said no, go home.

Never in a million years would I ever think he'd do that.

[OCD]

NJ, what's with this guy always yelling at you and what not...I don't know the guy or anything, but that's pretty mean to yell at you after you just got into an accident. Especially for not knowing how to change a tire....I don't mean to sound bad, but not many girls know how to change a tire...that's what us "boyfriends" are here for. If he really cared he would be more concerned with how you were, right? Heck I changed the brakes and tires for my girl....I figured that would be a nice thing to do and I wanted to do it...but hey look where I'm at now wishing she would come back to me Hopefully my ex will realize that she made a mistake...

[comets_21]

OCD, I am going through the exact same thing you are going through... but what I experienced is what NJ had said.. as soon as you give in to easy and start showing them feelings, they pull away.

 

My best friend told me something today out of the blue when he was talking about his gf. He said... shes going to be there for me when things aren't going well for herself and when she has low self confidence, but as soon as she gets some confidence she'll start treating me like crap again... To me this made so much sense.

[OCD]

OCD, I am going through the exact same thing you are going through... but what I experienced is what NJ had said.. as soon as you give in to easy and start showing them feelings, they pull away.

 

My best friend told me something today out of the blue when he was talking about his gf. He said... shes going to be there for me when things aren't going well for herself and when she has low self confidence, but as soon as she gets some confidence she'll start treating me like crap again... To me this made so much sense.

 

Thanks Comets, but what do I do now? Never call her again? I don't want either of us to treat each other like crap...I've tried to be nice through this whole thing...she calls me and wants to know what I'm doing and when i ask why she says "I dont' Know". I said how great my life has been and she said maybe this breakup was good for you....crazy! I said NO, it's good for both of us because it gave us time to reflect on something about our lives and hopefully we'll be able to work it out. I said I go to the gym now, she said you never went with me...I said I've thought about things I've done wrong and I have a whole new perspective on things. But the lines of communication are open, I think. It might be a one way street with her...she calls when she wants. I called her once in 2 months because of NC...she's called me 12 well now 14 times. I only picked up the last 4 calls after I felt strong enough. If she loves me enough shouldn't she get my attention a little better than what she's doing? I will meet her half way but I think I've shown interest in her wouldn't you think?

[nataliejulie]

We talked today. OKAY I'M REALLY BAD AT NC, shoot me. Basically, he opened up and said yes we have communication problems. He said I'm very passive aggressive towards him at times, which causes him to be unbelievably angry (and I do). And so forth. Good points were made.

 

However, he said we shouldn't remain in much contact or see each other for the next few days to cool it off (the tenseness), get over the anger, the fighting we have done all week, and make peace. He even added, "we'll probably end up seeing each other in two days! take it easy!"

 

I don't even know at this point. What do I do?

He has some serious Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde Syndrome here. He actually sounded sincere today, apologized for the name calling, the anger... actually talked about what he thinks is wrong, how he feels and told me to LISTEN. (We have a VERY hard time compromising)

[fantasia2004]

All I can say to you is God bless you for acting the way you did in positivity. It could have been worse.

 

I have acted like your ex a little bit I tell you, when deling with my ex. I WAS A LITTLE NUTTY. I was not myself at all. I paid for it too. But in the end I did not go that far.

 

So I AM GLAD YOU GOT OUT when you did instead of it being worse where he could of truly laid a hand on you!

[RayKay]

 

I realize, IF they really love us... IF they really want us... IF they really care about the relationship ..... THEY will come back.

 

natalie - I have been following your posts, and even posted a couple times.

 

I think that even if he DOES come back at this point, you have already resolved you are "over", and in this situation I honestly think that's the healthiest thing you can do.

 

Sure he called again and talked about space, and how he was wrong....but I would say he has likely done that many times before, no? How many chances does he get?

 

Do you not feel you deserve to get the love YOU give returned 100%? Does this seem like he is doing that? I think this relationship might have too much negativity, too much resentment, to move forward. The only way I think you should consider being with him again is for you to both go into counselling...but even then, be prepared to walk away unless you see big change and BIG effort from him.

 

Listen to your gut, I personally think you deserve better.

[charlotte_skye]

I just started reading this thread, an in the beginning you were so on target, saying how u were over, ho wu dont deserve it, but mostly you pointed out how YOU HAVE PUT SO MUCH INTO THIS AND FEEL HE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT HURT YOU and now look........he called and its like none of your words matter to you anymore???????????

 

pls nj dont fall for it AGAIN. this is why nc helps because it doesnt allow your mind to be teased, i mean how much do we want them back but doesnt mean we should get back. i think u really need to let this one go, no rship shouldbe this much work, theres abuse there i would get out.

 

the fact he said he sometimes wanted to beat the s**t out of you REALLY is concerning.

 

you just told ocd to not be so available, you even had that realisation of how he KNOWS you are available and what have u done again? you have showed him still are.

 

pls nj not just for the rship but for YOU move on, you wnat to be strong enough to go nc, you want to be strong enuff to not take this crap, u can tell in your posts, n yes it is hard but you can so do it, n u know what? when u do you will LOVE yourself for it. sooooooooo love yourself for it, but not oding this u will feel bad at yourself esp when it happens again n again. do whats right for YOU.

 

you have amazings upport here, u can do it.

 

i say move on, anyone who did to me what he did to you doesnt desevrve your compete devoted always there for u love.

[frecklegirl]

freakin' A NJ!....do not go backward....it seems like everything you have said, hope and planned is falling in on you with his one phone call! Stop it pleaes! I know I have done this too, but reading your post ( and I am really new here) has given me so much insight and stregth, I cannot stand to think you will give in to someone who has been so degrading to you!!

Don't/ I won't!!! really you are so much better and worthy///

please think about this before you just go with your fluttery emotions which I know......it seems to feel like love......but, I do not think it really is........do you?????

[nataliejulie]

He wants to give us some space right now to, do whatever that needs to be done, I guess.

 

I'm actually taking this NC we agreed upon to think if I really want to be involved in this relationship.

 

I have to take this VERY seriously. I am very angry and upset over past arguments, name calling and threats. I have to admit that I am not very innocent either! Every time we faught.. the anger grew between us. The more and more it happened, the more horrible the words were, how terrible the actions were.

 

I have come to the conclusion that he is very resentful towards this and our fighting, our miscommunication. If he cannot get over his anger issues, it will never work, ever.

[Miss M]

Nataliejulie, I agree with the others who say you're being abused. The more I read about your relationship with this guy, the more it sounds like he's abusing you, and the more you sound like an abuse victim. And it doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse. You're undoubtedly being emotionally and verbally abused.

 

I have to admit that I am not very innocent either!

You've repeated this in many forms throughout this and your other threads. You keep admitting to being a horrible person. You're taking responsibility for the conflicts, owning your part in them. But that can actually be a sign of abuse when the victim takes responsibility for the being the cause of the disagreements and fights. You seem to be taking far too much responsibility for what's happened. The most effective abusers convince the victim that she is the abusive one. And they convince the victim that they are the victims of her abuse. I also fell into this same thing for many years in a different kind of relationship... it was with my sister. She convinced me, and then I convinced myself, and then everyone else, that I was the perpetrator, the villainess... I even thoroughly convinced my own therapist. But I had it all turned around backwards.

 

He said I'm very passive aggressive towards him at times, which causes him to be unbelievably angry (and I do). And so forth. Good points were made.

He says??? He says??? You really do need to stop listening to him. You need to get his perspective of you out of your head. He has convinced you to perceive the relationship, and yourself, inaccurately. He is distorting reality and manipulating you into buying into the distortion. It's a typical abusive tactic. Another typical abusive tactic is to point the finger back at you, and to even get you to agree to point the finger at yourself. But it's all lopsided because he keeps letting himself off the hook, and he convinces you to also let him off the hook by getting you to make excuses for his awful behavior. You've said his behavior is because of stresses at his job, and you've said it's because you've triggered them. But none of those are the real reasons. I suggest you stop taking responsibility for his behavior and let HIM take responsibility for it himself.

 

He has some serious Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde Syndrome here. He actually sounded sincere today, apologized for the name calling, the anger... actually talked about what he thinks is wrong, how he feels and told me to LISTEN. (We have a VERY hard time compromising)

Whenever someone describes her/his partner as Jekyll/Hyde, that's a clear sign s/he's in an abusive relationship. And one of the reasons he's able to convince you that you're the problem is because he is also sometimes very nice, and sometimes very logical, sincere, even apologizing. If he weren't nice sometimes, you'd soon get very clear about what's happening and move on. It would be an easy decision if he were consistently awful, wouldn't it? So it goes back and forth, good and bad. And when he's been nice and logical for a while, he slyly switches back to being illogical, cruel, also taking you along for the ride. But he is jerking you around, so you don't know which way is up. You're losing perspective. And as to "compromising"... I see plenty of places where YOU have compromised. You've actually compromised to the point of self-abandonment. And that's really why you're reacting with emotional outbursts... because somewhere inside you know you've already given far more than you should.

 

He wants to give us some space right now to, do whatever that needs to be done, I guess.

And he seems to be the one calling all the shots in this relationship... when you talk, when you need space from each other, when you don't. You should get a vote too, but it seems you aren't really involved making many of the decisions. When you're in a relationship, you're an equal partner, but in your descriptions, you've been letting him decide, and then you're trying to follow his instructions. A healthy relationship doesn't work that way.

 

Here's a link that might be helpful...

link removed

[RayKay]

Very very well said Miss M, I agree completely. I have been there too, and it is not until you are removed from the situation you can often see what happened, which is exactly why nataliejulie needs to distance herself here...not because HE wants time, but because she NEEDS to get away and get some perspective.

[nataliejulie]

But he hasn't always been like this... ???

 

This kind of actions and words he's portraying has started during the summer.

 

So confusing!

[annie24]

From what I understand, most abusers are absolutely wonderful sweethearts in the beginning of a relationship. They don't show their true colors until later.

[Trax]

I've been following your story and I agree with the other posters that its time to let this one go and go to NC permanently.

 

Lets say you take your time and get back together again. You have another argument. Things fall apart again. He sweet talks you into what was wrong again. You forgive and get together again. See where I'm going with this?

 

It sounds like you're just going to be going through a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. You don't need that. Nobody does. Its hard to let go because you see the potential of things when they are good. But it seems that you'll just be walking on egg shells and thats no way to be in a relationship.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[Miss M]

But he hasn't always been like this... ???

But sweetheart, that's the "hook." If he had always been like that right at the beginning, you wouldn't be with him now, would you? That nice display of behavior was the way he snagged you, but it's not the real guy. And the memory of that past behavior is still a hook for you as you stay in a perpetual state of longing for that again. And I know it seemed sincere and genuine, but you have to ignore that because he has shown you time and again how awfully cruel he is. And that nice behavior is also the way he pulls you back in when you get clear and get away. Isn't he convincingly and wonderfully nice to you when decide you want nothing to do with him?

 

There is nothing more enticing and seductive than an abusive person who is trying to reel you in again. Some get kind, generous... others get very romantic, affectionate, doing/being all the things you've always wanted, your dream come true. But it's not because they really love you. None of that nice behavior is for you. It's done for selfish reasons because they need your attention. And they also need someone to mistreat later on, so they're nice to you in order to satisfy that need to abuse you later. I suggest you get permanently far away from this guy so you can get perspective and reclaim yourself.

 

Getting Back Together was a TERRIBLE idea.

I say you were right when you first started this thread. Go back to this plan and stand your ground, be faithful to yourself. Don't go back to him.

[nataliejulie]

We talked today. We are actually conversing over the fact that there's a car at my father's work he wants to buy and fix. So we talked about that for like, 20 minutes. Then I asked if he was busy today, which I knew he was... I said good, you need to get your school work done and get focused. He said he needed to get off the phone... Then I butted in and asked if we could get together Tuesday night and he say's I don't know. Then he says, we should talk for a few minutes not like, an hour. That should be it. I told him I was hurt by that comment and he hashed back saying "WHY do you torture me EVERY DAY? Now I'm in a bad mood, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, my chest hurts. I'm done talking to you today. I just don't want to talk anymore." I said, there was no reason to be mad at me, all I asked was if he was free Tuesday. He hashes back again and says, "Stop being so dramatic. Every time I talk to you, it's like, insane. It's like you are reading off a script and not being yourself. I don't want to talk about this anymore! Why can't you just relax?"

 

I can't relax because I'm in limbo and I have no idea what is going on.

I didn't say that, but that's exactly how I feel.

 

God, I have a headache. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I know I am being a little pushy and I also know I'm being a little controlling trying to keep him on the phone. But I have no idea who I'm talking to anymore. NO IDEA.

[RayKay]

Hmm, he sounds a lot like my ex....

 

Honestly I think in some ways he is just "done".....but not ready to totally let go because he does care about you, but instead he lets that resentment and that fact out by snapping at you or treating you this way. In a way, whether he knows it or not, it might be a way to force you to end things (that's what my ex did he later told me).

 

Do you honestly think he should of snapped at you for that? From out of nowhere?

 

You deserve better treatment then that...there is nothing "pushy" about wanting to spend time with the person you love - it was not like you were asking him to drop everything and come over! And even if you HAD because of extenuating circumstances, he should of been more than willing (like that car accident thing the other night - for me, I would of said ENOUGH at that very moment and realized how little he deserved me or truly loved me...ENOUGH).

[TiredMan]

This is how I feel with my ex. I read stuff like this and think to myself, is this what she is doing? Trying to hurt me enough so I just cut her off? But then I think about the fact that she has kept everything I gave her. She doesn't wear the ring or necklace I gave her anymore but she does still sleep with my shirt sometimes, my stuff is still all over her bedroom (wall etc) and she sleeps with teddy bears I gave her. And the last time I did see her, it was nice.

 

Is it pushy if you want to spend time with them and they are scared and/or not ready yet? I go over this in my head every day.

[coooolsome]

I think spending time with them is ok but only if they want it. You also have to be careful b/c you dont want to be there for her if she is just using you. I would say once every 2 - 3 weeks and you need to live your life and move on. With you being there all the time she doesnt have to make a decision until she finds someone else.

[OCD]

Hi all,

I posted here Friday night when my ex called out of the blue again...read a couple pages back and you'll see what she said and how confused I was...Needless to say I didn't call. Thanks NatalieJulie...that was a rough night, but I felt better the next day that I held strong. The good folks here said to be aloof and mysterious, which I did. I went out on a date on Sat., but it really wasn't anything serious. I just decided to go out and meet new people because I need to start moving on instead of "waiting"on my ex. I really love her and want to work it out, but I don't know what else to do. I told her how I feel and things I've done in the last two months to make me a better person....she even said our relationship was fine and couldn't have been better...she just needed time and couldn't get married and perhaps date other people. I just can't be her friend if this is the way it's going to be...should I just flat out tell her I can't be friends? She calls and wants to know everything about me and who I'm going to dinner with, what gym do I work out at, etc...What do you think I should do about her? I want to work it out and she really seems interested, but just isn't coming out with it.....thanks!!!

[nataliejulie]

I made a date for tomorrow night.

 

Not really a "date". I mean, there's no way I will be physical what so ever. I don't think it's fair if I love someone else. I just think it would be nice to see what's out there, re-evaluate my situation, my options and open my eyes. Also, this will take my mind off of things.

I know this man I'll be seeing is very interested in me and has been for quite awhile now.

 

I watched a romance movie tonight, which I know is a big no-no. But it actually made me feel better. It made me think that there will be another chance with me, with someone, whenever, with him, with not... but all that mattered, is that I knew what I really wanted in a relationship. And I felt secure for the first time in awhile.

 

 

AND OCD -- remain mysterious for right now. It will only take a little time till it starts really bothering her. It's just a little push to show her you have a life and it doesn't need to involve her.

[OCD]

Thanks NatalieJulie,

I understand your pointe about getting back out there and that it won't be physical since you love someone else...I did the same thing on Sat. night and had a really good time. Just good company, a few drinks , and the first time I got all of this off of my mind. It felt good. I've been putting so much focus and energy in wanting my ex back I just needed a break....I'll take your advice and wait my ex out...she knows where I stand and I am focusing on myself...I hope you're right about her getting frustrated and will come around...That would be the day I've been praying for...we'll see. If not I'm getting on with life and meeting new people. I just wish there was an easier way to show my ex that our relationship was one that shouldn't have been tossed in the trash...you know? Thanks again NJ!!

[Jane28]

Hi NatalieJulie,

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, and i can really empathise its hard to be in limbo, and have those shreds of hope.. that's how i have been for some time now, but i think i am almost through it.

I found the below very help full (I try to re read it when i am wavering, or when i might phone my guy just to repeat the same pattern with him), also talking to other guys, not to jump into any thing, but just to see potential and hope for the future as you say.

 

1. If you have to beg to be loved or have someone spend time with you, you have picked the wrong person.

 

2. If you have to beg to be treated well, you have picked the wrong person.

 

3. If you have to change yourself, you have picked the wrong person.

 

4. If you have to walk on eggshells, you have picked the wrong person.

 

5. If you have to physically defend yourself, you have picked the wrong person.

 

6. If your partner ever insults you on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, then you have picked the wrong person.

 

7. If YOU are not fully happy and satisfied with your relationship on a regular basis, then YOU have picked the wrong person.

 

I don't care how much you love a person, you must end any relationship that is destructive! Life is too short to waste it on an unsuccessful relationship! The sooner you end an unsuccessful relationship the sooner you will find the love of your life and find yourself in a relationship that works!

[OCD]

Thanks for the reply...I appreciate it. I think I have this...we'll see. I'm sticking to NC and hoping she calls again, but I'm not really waiting on it. I love her and it's so hard to hold that feeling back, you know? I'm trying not to focus on it like I used to and it's getting better...So all of the advice here is just stay aloof and she'll come around...I agree, she seems to be giving me all of the signs that she's interested, but won't come out and say it...That's sort of how she is though...she's the type of person that holds those feelings deep so she just gives little signs that I always had a hard time understanding...this time she really needs to hold up a big Green Light Time will tell right? Thanks again!