In love with a girl with a boyfriend, what to do?

[personman]

I am in love with a girl who is engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years. She has recently reciprocated the sentiment. She says that I am everything she wanted in a guy, but that she has learned to settle. She has no plans of leaving him because it would be very hard and it might just not work out between us anyway. She has tried to be physical with me a number of times. I am kind of friends with her boyfriend, so I have refused. It is killing me though, because he doesn't treat her that well and she is so incredibly beautiful. She is coming by my apartment today for us to sort things out. I think she wants a fling and then to call it quits. I guess I should just say no....but I have never know the like of this, I've been alone and have missed things and kept out of sight. But other girls were never quite like this. So do I betray a friend or myself?

[yeawutever]

As long as u did nothing physical with feelings (kissing/sex/making out, french kiss) then u didn't betray anyone.

[sonjam]

Look at it this way, you have two options, choose the one where you have the most to gain, and least to loose....

 

sounds simple huh? Well it is not.

 

Choose her: you loose a friend, and probably she will not stay faithfull to you either.

 

Choose not to have her: you keep a friend, and probably next week will finally meet the girl of your dreams, who will never cheat and will be the bestest thing ever.....

 

or maybe not, but I think the way to go is to stay away from her, tell her you are interested but only if she is single.

[Jonboy582]

Cheating is never right, so never do it. Thats all I goit to say mate, if you love her leave her alone, cos atleast if she gets married she has a stable future ahead of her hopefully, do mess up her chances. First rule of love is knowing when to let go, and doing whats best for the person you love. Think you are doing the right thing but not getting physical with her.

[Jodie23]

Dont do it........its not fair on the boyfriend, Im hurting real bad at the moment as my ex has gone off with someone else. Its not very nice to be where I am now. Im sure you can find someone who is not attached. She is being selfish to her boyfriend and so will you be if you do anything with her.

 

Just remember if she cheats on him with you, she WILL cheat on YOU too........

 

Dont give in to temptation xxxxxx

[nsbguy32169]

Damn that's a sucky situation. Cheating is wrong and I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone ESPECIALLY my friends. It's bad enough when your loved one cheats on you with someone you don't really know, but for two people who supposedly care about your feelings to stab you in the back... I can't imagine how painful that would feel.

[lillady898]

When you love someone, you have to do what's right for them. Ask yourself, would cheating with her be doing the right thing for her? No. It'd create a big mess of emotions, as well as a bigger mess in her current relationship.

 

Then, would it be doing the right thing for you? No. You'd be getting half of her. You'll lose a friend, and probably her as well. You'd be involved in something wrong. Cheating is deceitful and immoral.

 

And also, consider the fact that she is willing to cheat on her boyfriend. Is this the type of person you even want to be in love with? Probably not. She's not willing to leave him because it's "hard." (Terrible excuse) Or is it just because she enjoys the attention of two men?

[kristo]

Hi Personman,

 

First of all, cancel that meeting you guy's are gonna have this afternoon. I think it's a bad move her coming to your place to "sort things out", especially when you two are alone. She keeps coming on to you, you resist, you read her the riot act, she isn't gonna leave her boyfriend. The situation is quite clear...the only thing she wants is to have her cake and eat it!

 

If she does end up coming around I would reiterate to you her that you respect her boyfriend, you respect her and most importantly you respect YOURSELF, so you won't do anything with her until she is single.

 

I can see that you are probabaly thinking about making a move or that something could happen. You have been strong and resisted before, but clearly you have an element of self doubt now otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

 

On another note, if (thats a big if) she does leave her boyfriend she would respect you a lot more for showing some inner strength and moral fortitude for not succumbing to temptation.

 

As tempting as it sounds, If something does happen you will regret it BIG TIME. All for a brief encounter.

 

Is it really worth it??

 

 

 

K

[Jodie23]

Please hunny listen to all the advice you are being given xx

[RayKay]

I have to say that you are stepping into dangerous territory here, and I highly advise against it.

 

You may be everything she wants, but saying she has "learned" to settle knowing that is a bit of BS, she is an adult, and can make her own decisions. He may not treat her great, but she is staying for some reason, and choosing not to leave.

 

Do you want to get involved with a girl who seems to be okay with cheating - it is irrelevant as to how she feels about him, it's about respect, commitment, and being an adult in making your decisions. Do you really think a girl whom seems unwilling to even give you all of her is worth it?

 

I am also a big believer that your actions make whom you are, you may not be the one cheating, but you would knowingly be involved in an affair, and that is not something most girls - possible the girl you fall in love with in the future, could respect, and something that may come back to you.

 

And irrelevant of how he treats her, he must care about her to have asked her to marry him, and you would be hurting him too.

 

I say you do not even meet her - what is there to "sort out"? She is engaged, committed, involved with someone. There IS nothing to sort out. If she wants to be with you, she should respect you, herself and the chances of a relationship with you enough to leave that relationship first.

 

A relationship born out of cheating has very little chance of a positive ending. YOU deserve better.

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to know the situation you are putting yourself in. Why do you find the need to put yourself in a situation where you feel that either way you are betraying a friend or yourself? I agree that you do care about this girl, but I think you need to have some self control and just let it go. You said it yourself that she wont leave the guy and you dont want to betray your friend. Given what you have said the most you could hope for would be a fling, and since you are emotionally attached that is going to hurt you more.

 

Let it go. You are not in the position to be able to handle this situation. Learn from this situation.

[xmrth]

Something I've noticed from every post I've read on a guy wanting the girl who's already in a relationship, and her boyfriend "doesn't treat her right..." do you really know this for sure, or is it just something she says for the attention? This probably makes you feel more like you have to save her and you should just help yourself, but whether or not her boyfriend really doesn't treat her well or not doesn't make it okay. Just something that came to mind...

[nsbguy32169]

Something I've noticed from every post I've read on a guy wanting the girl who's already in a relationship, and her boyfriend "doesn't treat her right..." do you really know this for sure, or is it just something she says for the attention? This probably makes you feel more like you have to save her and you should just help yourself, but whether or not her boyfriend really doesn't treat her well or not doesn't make it okay. Just something that came to mind...

 

Well how often do you hear about a guy and a girl who are in love, but the girl is in a very healthy and loving relationship... this stuff happens because the person in the relationship isn't that happy with it, otherwise they wouldn't be reciprocating the feelings for the guy who wants the girl as she would already be happy.

[babycristy456]

I know this is a tempting situation, and this girl might seem very nice and all, but she says she has not intention of leaving her boyfriend, so why are you going to get involved into their relationship.

 

Also consider that if she is engaged, she probably feels like she might want a fling before the life long commitment, so she might just be using you for that.

 

I would not recomment doing it at all. Do not betray your friend. YOu are also no one to judge how he treats her (even if he is a jerk), because whatever he is doing (wrong or right), is keeping her around.

 

Take the advice they gave you previously Choose her: you loose a friend, and probably she will not stay faithfull to you either.[/i][/b] I think that is going to be the case as well.

 

Oh and another detail you should pay close attention to is that this girl is willing to cheat on her boyfriend with you. What does that say about her morals and faithfulnes?

 

Don't get involved, trust me. Over come the temptation. As a matter of fact, you should owe a little more respect to your friend. Cancel your meeting with her, and do not allow contact at all. This situation is wrong in many way (unfortunately bc your friend is involved). Only if she leaves her boyfriend for you and commits to being with you only, then you should consider it. Regardless, I think this is a dead end situation that you should just avoid all together bc more problems are sure to come from it.

[personman]

I guess the reason I posted was because I wanted someone to tell me that it's about time I got what I wanted and that's what should be most important to me. But it's not. I know that all of you are saying the right thing. I did the right thing. Now I am here alone and my dignity can't hold me in it's arms. Plus, I don't have anybody to care whether I'm a guy who does the right thing or not. I guess the whole situation sounds really cliche'. It's not. I guess this is the part where now people tell me that I'll eventually meet someone better and it will be great. Sure, maybe someday I'll meet someone. Nobody is like her, though. I've never been too lucky with women. They all think that I'm super cool, fun, good looking, and sensitive; but the very few I really fall for always go for someone else. I can't have casual sex, because I need it to be born of love. So, now I am drowning in my own desire. Maybe someday doing the right thing and doing what will make me happy will be the same thing.

[babycristy456]

Personman, I know you are in pain...Especially if someone you really cared about is far from reach...

 

And yes, you are RIGHT! I am going to tell you just what you said. Whether you want to hear it or not. It is the truth. You are never going to find someone like her...bc there is not doubles of people. But who says someone you'll like better will be out there? You can't assume that now bc you don't know. It might seem like the end of the world right now, but it isn't. It never is, and you will find out eventually.

 

But just keep in mind the fact: She said she will never leave her boyfriend bc shes already 'comfortable'. If you would have slept with her or hooked up, at the end you will say: "All this beauty that I can't have, who is going back to her boyfriend tomorrow." Youll be more hurt than what you are now probably.

 

Dont be totally discouraged though. If she is really worth it, she will come to you when she is ready. If she never does, then it was not meant to be (Now this sounds cliche', but its true). Its her loss and she will have to forever wonder "what if?"

 

"They all think that I'm super cool, fun, good looking, and sensitive; but the very few I really fall for always go for someone else." You seem to be honest with yourself, but maybe a boost in your self confidence will do that trick.