this is the letter I am planning to send to ex, need opinion

[novaseeker]

u have a point there, it shows the person that u're not needy, even though u really are lol

 

Not necessarily. She just wants him back and wants to at least try to reach out to him.

 

I think the above suggested letter would be better as well. Listen, Ren Woman ... if you want him back you should try to get him back!

 

I wish you well with this.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, when you say try to get him back, what you are meaning is writing a condensed version of the letter that I originally posted. In my original letter, I wanted to tell him the reason behind why I ignored him and shuffled him on his friends. I wanted him also to know that I was dissolving my ties with T&D because that was one of the sore points of our relationship. My ex could not stand my attachment to T and my tie to D. That had a large effect of doing in our relationship. He also could not understand how I could after a year and half of pouring attention, love, money, time on him, how I could suddenly grow cold to him these last few months and spend less and less time on him, ever so much picking fights with him, etc. If I look in hindsight at my own actions (after reading advice columns on relationships), I could say that I was unconsciously trying to dump him since I was doing all the signs of a person who was about to dump their SO.

 

Novaseeker, how would you suggest that I proactively get him back? I dont want to freak him out. I could try to call him, but I am afraid to do that. Havent talked to him in over two weeks.

 

I need a game plan. And if you guys dont think writing letter is good, I wont for the time being. It is just that other people on this site suggested that I write a letter to him outlining what I did wrong, what I am sorry for, why I did the things I did, and asking him for a second chance.

 

I am thoroughly confused about how to proceed with this.

[annie24]

well, definitely don't do it then for now. No rash moves!

 

Think about it - if you got fired from your job, and wanted it back, you might just say a general statement like, "I haven't always been the best worker, but I've identified my deficiencies and I want a chance to correct them." You wouldn't write out every bad choice you made. Your boss would just go over the list like, 'wow - this is more of a reason to keep them fired!"

[smallworld]

Put yourself in his position: nothing, not a single sentence in that letter will make him think that you are a great, sweet, independent person worthy of being loved by him. Just a different perspective...

Ren I'm glad you wrote the letter, but I admit I'm surprised by the final product. I won't bother repeating my previous advice to you, but I agree with Simone. IF your intent is to get him back, he needs to hear more about why you love him besides "how" he treated you. He's been dumped by every girl who ever dated him (including you) and so undoubtedly he has "trust" issues. Hearing that your sorry for what you've done is a great start, but it doesn't address how you plan to do things differently the next time you get scared or things go wrong.

 

The reason why I and other posters recommended writing a letter is because your Ex asked for space, but never really heard the reasons behind your actions. The letter in my mind wasn't intended to win him back so much as to show that you acknowledged and apologized for your hand in the problems of the relationship, and explained to him that if given the chance what you would do differently if those issues ever arose again. Whether or not you ever sent this letter would be your call, but I felt it was important to write it to clarify your thoughts and feelings.

 

PS. I recommend you show this letter to your therapist for feedback since he/she was advised you to write it in the first place.

[renaissancewoman101]

Smallworld, thanks for your input. I went and reread your emails to me and the chat I had with you. I forgot what you said and how I was supposed to approach this subject by explaining to him what I did wrong and how I helped to destroy the relationship, addressing those issues, and then acknowledging how I plan to do things if they go wrong.

 

Besides me losing my feelings and reacting in a stupid way to him, the other reason why this relationship was doomed, was my attachment to my best friend. I wanted to explain in the letter that my best friend is moving away and I am staying behind. I am letting him go and allowing myself to be able to commit to relationship with the ex should he really want to go at it again.

 

I am not sure if I want to send him a letter now. I am kinda scared. I do want him back but not sure if I want him back for the right reasons. I am not sure if I DID get him back, would I get tired of him again. I just feel very hurt that even a guy who had been dumped by a lot of girls would actually go and dump ME. In a way, it is a blow to my ego.

 

I probably will never understand why my feelings changed for him just like that, and I know I reacted to the change in feelings in a stupid way that hurt him a lot.

 

Right now I am very scared, my best friend is leaving within two weeks. After he moves, I will be left all alone here. I think that may be the driving force to why I want a reconciliation with my ex. At the emotional state I am in right now, I am ready to compromise my tastes and my feelings to keep the ex in my life. I am willing to jump into it even though I know that most of the stuff my ex likes, I really am not into. I just feel very vulnerable, alone and scared right now.

 

Not good to send letter I suppose.

 

I may rewrite letter, have you guys take another look, and maybe send it then. Not sure.

 

Sometimes, I just feel like throwing caution to the wind and going down to my ex's and having a "talk" with him. But the rational side of me knows that is not the right thing to do.

 

It is hard to sit by and do nothing.

[smallworld]

Ren, you're welcome. Sending the letter really is your call, but if you reread your own posts I think you'll see that it isn't so much Him that you want, but how he made you feel. If you can not in all honesty say that it's him that you want, then that isn't the letter you should be sending, because you're only going to end up hurting him and yourself when you get fed up with his "childishness" again.

 

I can understand why your Ex was jealous of your best friend despite the fact that he was gay and thereforeeee romantically "unavailable" to you. Your best friend represents everything you'd ideally want in a man - intellect, ambition, financial success, etc. - if you weren't settling for someone who treats you well, but doesn't have much in common with you. I realize your friend is moving to California, but what kind of a relationship would you honestly have if you have to give up your best friend in order to hold a boyfriend's self-esteem together? Your best friend understands you better than anyone else ever has and has seen you through the toughest of times -- even now. Didn't you just say he counseled you for two hours recently about this very same matter? Why would you think it would be in your best interests to cut him out of your life to hold on to someone whom you don't really respect or admire? Again when you lost your feelings for Ex, was that really an anomaly? Or was that the mature woman in you fed up with always having to be the parent and the adult in the relationship?

 

I do want him back but not sure if I want him back for the right reasons. I am not sure if I DID get him back, would I get tired of him again. I just feel very hurt that even a guy who had been dumped by a lot of girls would actually go and dump ME. In a way, it is a blow to my ego.

These words are the most honest I've seen you write to date. It was a blow to your EGO that he dumped you. If love was all about what we deserved (earned), then his dumping you doesn't make any sense does it? The key thing you have to remember here is that just because he was "childish" in your eyes, never meant that he didn't have the right to want to be with someone who shared his interests and liked him for he was... just as you do! He broke up with you twice. Once because he realized you didn't share those interests and the second time because he realized that no matter what he did at that point, it was pointless because your feelings had died for him. No matter what you think of him, does it make any sense to you that a guy would want to keep putting his heart on the line for a girl whom he knows doesn't really love or respect him?

 

I understand you're scared, but the fear of 'WHAT IF' is only in your mind. If you take a break and just think about it, you'll realize that although you've had help from people here, friends, and your therapist, you've basically been handling this rough period by yourself. Fear is telling you, you can't handle it. I'm telling you, YOU ARE handling things and doing well at that. Just this weekend you took the time to make some new friends and rescued some guinea pigs! I've always believed if you can attract one person who has very little in common with you, imagine how many people you can attract who like the same things you do? It takes time, but keep focusing on doing what you love and love will follow. Have faith and never settle for any less than you really need (notice I said 'need' not 'want') from a relationship, and you'll be happier in the end.

 

As for talking to the Ex, the loving thing would be to acknowledge and apologize for the hurt you've caused him and then leave him alone. I think a letter would be a good way to do this, but it's up to you. When he's ready to talk, he knows how to find you. Until then give him the space that he requested.

 

All the best,

smallworld

[novaseeker]

. I am letting him go and allowing myself to be able to commit to relationship with the ex should he really want to go at it again.

 

And then that is an important thing to say to your ex in whatever form you choose to say it. But I agree with others that the message should also be about how and why you love him, maybe as a point of greater emphasis.

 

I do want him back but not sure if I want him back for the right reasons. I am not sure if I DID get him back, would I get tired of him again. I just feel very hurt that even a guy who had been dumped by a lot of girls would actually go and dump ME. In a way, it is a blow to my ego.

 

Well, these are good things to think over and mull over for a bit. You should try to understand better why you wish to get back with him, what the real reason is, before you make a serious attempt to do it, I think.

 

After he moves, I will be left all alone here. I think that may be the driving force to why I want a reconciliation with my ex. At the emotional state I am in right now, I am ready to compromise my tastes and my feelings to keep the ex in my life. I am willing to jump into it even though I know that most of the stuff my ex likes, I really am not into. I just feel very vulnerable, alone and scared right now.

 

Right. That's understandable. It's very painful and hurtful and it takes a while to recover from that. But if you conclude, after you're done mulling over your feelings, that it would be a compromise and would be motivated by the fear of loneliness, than maybe a reconciliation would not be the best option. But ... you need to understand your feelings and what underlies them better to make that conclusion, it seems to me.

[renaissancewoman101]

Right now, I am not sure if I am going to write the letter or not. Today, I seemed to have really missed him. I then went online and found that he had been using a lot of my free night minutes the last few days, calling the same number. The number belongs to a guy I know from Faire. He has two daughters living at home. One is married. The other isn's (not sure if the other has a bf or not). That worries me. But then the ex is also friends with the guy.

 

TOday, I really miss him, really want to see him. Using all my willpower not to drive down to see him. Sometimes, I want to throw caution to the wind and just go drive down to see him.

 

Should not be like that. How do people get over those times when missing the ex is so freaking overpowering?????

[annie24]

get your phone back!!!! He shouldn't be using your minutes!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Originally, he offered to give me back my phone when I last saw him two weeks ago at a Faire, but I care about him and I know that he needs to have a cell phone to keep in touch with friends, so I let him keep the phone for the time being. He is good about only using my free night and weekend minutes, so it doesnt really affect my bill. I also wanted another chance to see him as well as keep tabs on who he might be calling.

[annie24]

You're not his mom!!!! Don't be keeping tabs on him! He's an adult - let him get his own phone!!!

[Echo]

I agree with Annie....get your phone back. It seems that phone is your life line to him.

This guy is an adult and you say he acts like a teenager....what on earth do you have in common?

 

It sounds like you are trying to "mother" him...that will kill the passion in ANY relationship. Back off. You need to see this guy as a MAN not a kid. He needs to act like a man and be the pursuer in this relationship...it doesn;t sound like you're giving him that opportunity. That's the only way this relationship is going to equalize is if you stop emasculating him and let him chase YOU.

 

The letter idea is way too much...you have way too many negative emotions in there. He needs to see that while you miss him, you will be ok without him. He needs to know you can live without him, but you'd rather have him in your life....make sense?

[LadyV]

I posted on here lots in the summer after my ex walked away after 5+ years. I was devastated & wanted him back but with NC, i've moved on. I made every mistake in the book - tears, phonecalls, visits, emails, etc & it got me nowhere, he just ended up resenting me & doubting whether he could ever speak to me/see me again. The best thing i ever read on here was something (probably by Superdave) along the lines of 'by not contacting, no mistakes can be made' & that's so true.

 

I've started seeing someone & whilst it's very early days, i'm having fun. A few months back, i didn't think i'd be saying that but it can happen. If you want to switch-off, stop the hurt & put yourself first you can. I hope it gets easier for you as it did for me.

 

Take care

[suprema99]

I'm glad your not writing that letter, like most people suggested. I suggested you wait a little more. I read back and you mentioned something like it was a blow to your ego he broke up with you. Are you trying to get him back for the wrong reasons? to satisfy your ego now? Which tells me if he appologizes and you get tired of him again, you might dump him that much faster to satisfy your ego.

[renaissancewoman101]

So, how do people get over those times when missing the ex is so freaking overpowering????? I want so much to go and see him tonight. I miss him so much.

 

Echo, I know I am trying to "mother" him. It is hard for me to experience life on his level. He loves to play computer games, hang out with his buddies, drink and smoke, play with toys, etc. It isnt as though as he isn't smart. He loves to read, mostly science fiction. When he puts his mind to it, he actually can have a decent conversation with you. The problem is that most adults put him down, write him off, etc., because of the way he acts, the way he dresses, what he likes to do, to the point that he doesnt care and will do things the way he wants. In the beginning of our relationship, I did a lot of things for him and I took care him, and was there for him. He liked that alot because I treated him well, and his parents liked it because I kept him out of trouble and I was a well-rounded, successful, independent career woman. It is hard for me to see him as an adult, although he does have adult tastes. He likes porn and he is also very affectionate and sexual, something that I liked (not the porn). I found that the only way I could relate to him was by mothering him. I did try to do things on his level by hanging with his friends and playing computer games, but that was hard on me. He did pursue me when i started pulling away. MOst of the relationship, he was kind, nice, treated me like a lady, bought me gifts on holidays and birthdays, spent a lot of time with. He would be everybody's perfect bf, except for his peculiar likes and dislikes, his way of dressing up, and some of his behaviors.

 

As for the letter, I might rewrite it sometime this week, and shape it according to the ideas you guys suggested on here. I think I know how to write it, write it as me wanting him in my life, but not needing him.

 

It might be too soon to write the letter, but I also dont want him to forget me.

 

Right now, I am scared, dont know where to turn to. I saw my best friend tonight. He is scared of moving away from here from his boyfriend and from me. He wishes we could go with him. He cried to me tonight. I am so torn. I want to go to CA with my best friend. I am still so in love with him, but I can never have him. He is gay and he has a bf. My best friend wants me to go out with him so he can have someone there that he knows. He has always had me around and his bf, at least for the last 7 years. I dont know what to do. Maybe I should move back to CA. My family lives there, can start my life anew, forget about my ex-bf who lives out here and all the memories that are in my apt and in the city.

 

I am scared, lonely. In two weeks my best friend will be gone. No more stopping by his house to say "hi", taking him to work, picking him up, hanging out with him on Friday nights ,etc.

 

The loss of my ex bf, and now my best friend scares the CRAP out of me.

[novaseeker]

Eh ... have you ever been a couple with your best friend?

 

I don't know. My own instinct in these situations is to not make big life changes in the short term as a reaction to them. I would wait things out more, and see what happens in your life where you're at now.

[renaissancewoman101]

My best friend was my first bf. I met him in college through some mutual friends who set us up. I fell in love with him, he was ok with me, leaned on me a lot for support to get through college. We dated through college and was a couple. But, never had "sex" in the real sense, we messed around a bit. I found that odd, but I grew up very sheltered and so did my friends, so I didnt fuss about that a lot. I graduated a year earlier than he did. He asked me to stay out here for him and wait for him to graduate ( I loved him a lot so I stayed out here instead of moving back home to CA). Three months after he graduated, he told me he was gay and he wanted a bf (I still remember the day he told me this). I was devastated, but he did not want me out of his life, he told me he needed me so I stuck around. He did find a bf. The bf did not like me at all. Bf wanted me out of my best friend's life, did everything he could to push me out of his life. My best friend loved his bf and would do anything for him, except push me out of his life. He needed me to be there for him. It was a hellish few years. Finally the bf accepted me around and they were a couple and I was their sidekick. After a few years of that (about 5 years), I decided I wanted a relationship on my own with a bf of my own. I didnt want to let go of my best friend and he wanted me around too. So, I went on my own, met people, and finally met my ex. I loved my ex because he was so good to me and he wanted to spend all the time with me unlike my best friend who wanted me around but had to watch out for what his bf wanted and his bf did not let him spend a lot of time with me. Wanted my best friend and his bf to meet my ex. They took an instant disliking to him (my best friend and his bf are successful, career, yuppie types), my ex is a kidlike punk. My best friend's bf hated my ex, so we never hung out again as a group. I loved my ex but he wanted always to be with me. There were times I wanted to see my best friend but it was hard since only time I could hang with best friend was on Friday nights, but my ex would usually come up on Friday night by train to stay weekend with me. Easiest way for him to come up was come up right after work.

 

I am not moving out there with my best friend. I am just scared a lot right now, and my best friend crying on my shoulders, ruminating over his decision doesnt help me a lot. I was the ex was still with me. I miss him too.

 

Tonight is a bad night, miss everybody.

[novaseeker]

Hi again. Sorry for the delay in responding, I went to bed earlyish.

 

Hmmm ... it seems to me that you have 2 exes here: your best friend and your most recent ex. It's fascinating that you've maintained a best friend relationship with your steady college BF years later. I wonder whether the fact that he is your ex as well weighed at all on your most recent ex? Most people don't like having exes around (your best friend's bf for example), and close to their bf/gf, even if they say they are gay and involved with someone else. Also, was your most recent ex homophobic at all?

 

This is going to be a hardish question, and please forgive me for asking it, but ... do you think you have gotten over your best friend's revelation to you and breakup with you all those years ago? I'm asking because it seems like you spent a lot of time as the 'sidekick' to his relationship with his BF before you sought another relationship of your own. It seems like there has been a kind of tug-of-war inside you between your relationship with your best friend and your relationship with your ex. It happens sometimes that friends and lovers make competing demands, of course, but my sense in your case is that these competing demands were more ... I don't know, more competing in the same place in your heart than would typically be the case with friends with whom you had not been previously romantically involved, maybe? Just something to think about for you as you try to work through what you're feeling right now and for whom and why.

 

I know it's hard to think clearly in these situations, particularly given that your best friend is moving away. I think, however, that it may help you in the long run to work through these things a bit ... whether it helps you with your ex or not, it will help you in your next relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

No, my most recent ex was not homophobic. He had friends that were gay and he was involved in the furry community that had a lot of gays involved. My ex identified himself with being a skunk. He was an artist that loved to draw amopomorphic pictures with him as a human form of a skunk. He likes to wear a large felt "skunk tail" attached his belt, a lot of times in public. That bothered me sometimes. He goes to stuff like furry con and stuff like that. At first my ex was ok with me being friends with my gay best friend, but a lot times my best friend wanted me to do stuff with them and hang with them. It also didnt help that my best friend and his bf did not like my ex at all. My ex also did not like the fact that I had some physical tie to my best friend and his ex. Part of me still loves my best friend, that is why I sometimes spend time with him. I still find my best friend easier to confide in.

 

No, I dont think I have ever gotten over my best friend's revelation to me. He was the first person I ever fell in love with, and part of me still loves him a lot. I just can't have him because he has a bf and because I dont think he likes me that way. He does care for me as a friend and a sister. Sometimes, I felt as though he never broke up with me and he still has feelings for me. He does enjoy being around me whenever he can, which is not often.

 

There are some times I wish I could meld the characteristics of my best friend and my ex together into one person.

 

I know that for me in order to grow and to actually find a relationship and keep one, I am going to have to let go of my best friend. In many ways, I compare most potential new bfs to my best friend. Part of me did that with my current ex and he hated that.

 

Now that my best friend is leaving, it will be time for me to let him go and go on with my life. It is very hard for me to do that because my best friend has been in my life for over 10 years, but it has to be done. I just wish that my ex could be in my life right now because it would make the transition easier.

 

Maybe when he does find out that I have let my best friend go, and dissolved the relationship that held us all together, then my ex will come back. I am not sure.

 

I am not sure of anything.

 

I miss my ex so much.

[novaseeker]

I know that for me in order to grow and to actually find a relationship and keep one, I am going to have to let go of my best friend.

 

Well, not necessarily, but the fact that he is also your ex and that you would, if all things were equal, like him back complicates things ... he's not someone who has always been 'just a friend' for you.

 

In many ways, I compare most potential new bfs to my best friend. Part of me did that with my current ex and he hated that.

 

A lot of people do this, but it makes it very complicated when the person to whom your current bf is being compared with is someone you still spend a lot of time with and are best friends with. I think if you were comparing him to a former bf that would be one thing (we all do this I think on some level) ... but when the other person is still very present in your life, that kind of thing can be very hard for a SO to deal with. So it may be easier on your future relationship partners if you were not quite as close with your best friend, unless you can find a way to drive a wedge between your friendship with him and your other feelings for him.

 

I am not sure of anything.

 

I miss my ex so much.

 

I know it's hard. Hang in there. Things will get better in time, either way.

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, I do agree with you, things do get better in time. I am starting to feel a little better concerning the ex. I have stopped crying about him every night. I still miss him a lot but am REALLY afraid to go down and see him since might open a can of worms in terms of my feelings for him.

 

As for the best friend, he is moving away in about two weeks. My ex knows he is moving away because I told him that the last time I saw him, two weeks ago.

 

I know the letter is a complicated thing. I have had people tell me on here that writing letters to the ex can push them away even further. Is it better to just go and confront the ex to tell them how you feel and how you think you can change things???? after a suitable amount of time has passed???? Some of this stuff is better told face to face, but I am afraid to do that. I hear horror stories about writing letters or confronting. Doing nothing is another option but now, with the moving away of my best friend, I feel so empty inside. I want someone in my life. The ex did have a hard time with my best friend. He felt, and he told me that my friendship with my best friend and the fact that I let my best friend's decisions and judgement overrride my ex's judgements and decisions, led him to lose his feelings for me and want to end the relatioship with me.

 

If he sees that my best friend is gone and that I am still around, do you think he might be willing to reconsider his decision???? I am very afraid that he may have found a new gf, I dont know. From his phone records, it would seem like he might have.

 

I still dont know what happened to the letter that I sent his mom, havent heard from her, but I didnt leave her a number to call either. Havent tried to call the house yet either.

[renaissancewoman101]

Things have gotten a bit weirder. Tonight I picked up my best friend from work and took him home. Lately, he has been having me pick him up from work and take him home so we can have a chance to talk. He is moving to CA the first week of Nov. Tonight, he cried to me and begged me to come with him out there since he doesnt think his bf will come with him. This is the opportunity of a lifetime for him. He wants me to be out there with him because he is afraid of going at this alone, in a new place, by himself. At least with me, I have family out there and I grew up out there. I am so torn. I am going to be so sad when my best friend leaves, but the fact that he asked me to come out there with him because he needed me, tears me up inside.

 

I want to be there so much for my best friend, but I am so scared. My best friend is a good person but he tends to lean on me to do things for him like pick him up, take him places, etc. He can somewhat be a user too, and he has a terrible temper.

 

I dont know what to do. Part of me wants to stay here and see if I can rekindle something with my ex. Part of me wants to go out to CA with my best friend and see how things go out there.

 

I need to break away from my best friend and have my own life too and have a normal relationship with a guy that isnt clouded by my feelings for my best friend.

 

I am sorry I am ranting.

[polaris]

I have stopped crying about him every night. I still miss him a lot but am REALLY afraid to go down and see him since might open a can of worms in terms of my feelings for him.

 

There's no *might* about it. It *will* open a can of worms, and you have a 99.9% chance of coming out of it feeling worse 24hrs later, after the initial rush has gone.

 

As to going to CA because your best friend will be feeling lonely there, are you serious???!! I mean close friendship is all well and good, but you don't up and move somewhere because a friend might be feeling a bit lonely in a new place on his own. Reality check! You need to live where *you* want to live, do what *you* want to do, be with who *you* want to be with. I'm sure he'll survive in CA, and you can still talk on the phone, e-mail and visit.

 

Your last sentence (aside from the rambling comment ) is the one that really stands out as a shining moment of clarity amidst the confusion. Print it out in 48pt font and stick it on your wall! You don't necessarily need to cut ties with your best friend completely by any means, but a bit of loosening would go a long way towards helping you move on with your own life. For you.

[novaseeker]

You're not ranting ... it is hard. Your best friend loves you, but can never be a bf again. You still have stronger feelings for him. It may be that these feelings could interfere with other bf prospects for you. It's hard, because you have to weigh your need for closenress to your friend against your need for a bf relationship ... it's complicated because of your feelings for him ... only you can decide how to weigh that balance.

[renaissancewoman101]

Well, I went and called the ex. He has my bottle of prescription pain medication. I suffer from degenerative disk disorder and have pain meds for that. I left my bottle over there so that when i was over there over the summer, if I need to take pain meds for the pain, I had them there.

 

I called him at work, he was courteous with me and seemed happy to hear from me. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was doing fine, busy as hell, meeting new friends and doing stuff with a guinea pig rescue. I then told him that the weather was changing and that I needed my pain pills back. I told him he could keep the phone for the time being, and that I had to talk to him about the money he owed me. He was ok with that, and he reiterated that all he had been using was my free night and weekend minutes. I think he is afraid that I want my phone back.

 

I then asked him when I could get my pills. He told me that I could come down tonight and get the pills back, since his parents were out of town. He told me that he had to pack tonight. I think he is going somewhere over the weekend. He then told me he had to go.

 

I hope I am not opening up a can of worms by doing this.

 

People tell me I should dress up before going down there to see him.

 

Do you guys think I am setting myself up for disaster????