Thoughts on patience and getting back together.

[jigsaw]

Hey everyone I was thinking about the breakup/getting back together process, and right now it occurs to me that a reason most couples fail to reuinite is due to reactive behaivor, and not enough patience.

 

For instance, when you are dumped your first impulse (which is often the one acted upon) is to be clingy and needy. To want to work things out because we love this person and don't want to see things end. I don't think it's very common that any of us would graciously walk bow out when love is on the line. This is why no contact is good, because it lets you get control over those reactive emotions.

 

Secondly, when/if you re-establish contact with your ex. This is a very exciting feeling. It is hard not to take positive contact as a green light and push too hard without being very cautious. It's a yellow light, take things very slowly. Don't rush anything.

 

The same thing can happen when couples reunite and get moving too fast, and forget to correct the reasons that the relationship failed in the first place.

 

Can anyone with a success story relate on the pacing of their interactions, and how much patience and self control they maintained even when they were getting good signs?

[Southern_Belle]

I agree.

But how many of us get even a yellow light? After a red light, a yellow light seems very hopeful and makes us rush before it changes back to red.

I tried not to be clingy and needy by not contacting him, which was hard enough for me. Now that we planned to meet this weekend for a lunch, first time in 3 weeks, I'm getting pretty anxious, so I'm worried that I would be too forward when I see him. I know that I need to be patient, but I'm nervous because it could be the last chance for me to change his mind.

[jigsaw]

That is a yellow light, approach with caution. Be patient, it may turn red, but if you don't run the red light you may get your green if you want to stay that route. I know it's a lame analogy, but it makes sense.

[Juha]

Good post Jigsaw...

 

I know exactly what you are saying....I did all of that when my gf left...

 

I was in no mind to deal with it and my anxiety and acted anything but myself with pleading, saying whatever, trying to be around...

 

Did this for a month and then stopped but I think the damage has been done and I have no chance at getting back....I started taking care of my anxiety and realized I was being a sad example of who I really am, so I stopped it all and just let her contact me but her attitude did not chamge towards me so I went NC..5 weeks ago...

 

Maybe I am being too negative but she is with someone else and it has been around 3-3.5 months of this rebound and I don't think it is going to end anytime soon as she is putting her all into it from what I heard...

 

My situation s#@ks!!!

[Southern_Belle]

If you love them and respect them, believe me, they will realize this and will not want to lose you. Just remember to not lose your cool and to not give them a reason to realize they were right in dumping you.

 

I really want to believe this! Your story gives me much hope and reasons to be patient. =)

 

jigsaw: It is not a lame analogy, and it makes sense.

Thanks for your post.

[NotMyself]

Southern_Belle,

 

I am happy that my story has given you hope.

 

As I look back over all that has happened, I have realized something. I felt the love was still there. My ex and I had so many good times and so many pleasant memories. What happened was that we both hit a bump in the road. A rough spot. I chose to wait in the sidelines assuming the risk that she might not come back. She was worth it to me.

 

I did stop trying, but I never stopped loving her. Not all relationships will have a second chance, but I do believe in love and feel that if two people truly do love eachother, there is always a chance.

[OCD]

Notmyself,

When you went on that first date after the break up did you call her or did she call you? Also who asked to meet up? This info could be useful to me since I feel that day is coming for me to ask her on a "friend date". I figure that would really see if she's still interested. thanks!

[polaris]

That is a yellow light, approach with caution. Be patient, it may turn red, but if you don't run the red light you may get your green if you want to stay that route. I know it's a lame analogy, but it makes sense.

 

LOL, a good analogy. Problem is, when I'm driving and I see a yellow light, I speed up because I know it's gonna turn to red any minute!

[NotMyself]

Notmyself,

When you went on that first date after the break up did you call her or did she call you? Also who asked to meet up? This info could be useful to me since I feel that day is coming for me to ask her on a "friend date". I figure that would really see if she's still interested. thanks!

 

OCD,

 

The last three months, I was usually the one to initiate the contact. We saw eachother of and on during the first month of the breakup, but then things stopped going so well after that. At the time, I was still pushing for a reconciliation and not giving her any space. I was expecting her time and it was a big mistake.

 

This first date we recently had was initiated by her. She phoned me. After that first date, she made plans for another date. I didn't commit to anything, but told her we will see how it goes. Our second date was two nights ago and it was even better than the first. We went out again last night. Before dinner was over, she asked me if I could come to lunch with her tomorrow.

 

I really think it is important that you let her come to you, in the sense that you let her ask you to do something. That way, there is no pressure on her. You are really in control, by letting her take the initiative. You will be going at her pace and this will make her comfortable. You will also find comfort in knowing that they initiated the contact. In the past, when I went on dates with the ex, they were mostly at my request. This seemed to be more of a duty to her as she seemed a bit distant and not as happy as I was to be there. This last week, however, have been filled with excitement and good feelings by the both of us. We are both happy being there and spending time with eachother. Hope this helps... Feel free to PM me anytime.

[DecemberGal]

The traffic light analogy is excellent...but don't forget about all of the intersections that sometimes come along with those traffic lights. Those things can be bloody tricky.

[Yowser_76]

I felt the love was still there.

 

That's the way I've always felt about my ex. I don't know why. Maybe I'm delusional...but something in my heart has always told me that deep down he still loves me. When he's with me, I can just feel it. I guess that's why it's been so hard for me to let him go. I should have but instead I pushed and pushed and eventually he told me that he hates me. A few minutes later he messaged and said sorry and that he needs time and space to figure out how he feels. It's been nearly 3 weeks of no contact and I'm still so confused, but I've learnt from my mistakes and I know now that HE has to figure this out on his own. I just pray that one day he'll want to be in my life again [-o

 

Some friends told me to never contact my ex again. To shut her out until she came back. Then, there were other friends who really knew us and told me to wait it out, and be patient.

 

I've heard ALL that too. I still haven't figured out what to think myself...it's SO hard.

 

Sam

[OCD]

Thanks, that makes perfect sense, but it's tough to hold back, you know. My ex has been the one initiating the contact over the last several weeks. I decided to pick up the last two calls out of 9 total calls, no messages with either of them. They went well...I'm still hoping she'll call again to maybe get together or even chat. I know that will be hard for her to try and ask to go out or something, but that's what will need to happen. I am taking it slow, even though it's harder than heck, and letting her have all the time she needs hoping that she'll remember all of those good times we had over the almost 2 year relationship. That's what is strange here is that we had a great relationship and had a bit future...I'll try to be patient. Thanks again.

Hope that green light comes some day

[jigsaw]

Notmyself,

 

You're situation sounds like where mine is headed. We've been separated for several months, after 2-3 weeks of NC we got together, things were going very well on a smaller level of the big picture. I got too excited and pushed too hard, it caused me some pain to see that it wasn't time yet. After that I took a month of NC.

 

She txt'd me about some misfortune that only I could fix, I txt'd her back, called her a week later, she finally called me back. It was a brief talk, but she wants to get together when she gets her schedule under control. She says she wil call me. A month and a half ago she didn't want to get together, now she's coming to me with plans.

 

I'm pacing things very slowly. Im not pressuring her to make plans with me, but I know she wants to see me, and I know she misses me.

 

I love her as much as I ever did, and we didn't breakup over a major blowout. I think things will work out so long as I keep my haed and have perseverence.

 

Good luck to everyone.

[jigsaw]

Exactly.

 

Our 1st contact phone call the other day went well. In fact for the first time ever in 8 years I was the one to end the call. It was going very well, and I told her that I needed to go, but to feel free to call me when she is ready to make plans. I felt good when I hung up, she was receptive tot he entire conversation.

 

My imediate impulse was to send a followup txt thanking her for calling, or telling her to have a good night.. something! I realized that I didn't need to do that, I was being reactive to my joy at the good talk. I held back, and I feel much better that I did.

 

Here's to patience, brains, and a little luck!

[jigsaw]

I think that the world we live in doesn't instil enough value for patience. We're all so oriented with getting things now that we don't understand the virtues of waiting for something.

 

Credit cards

Fast Food

Get rich quick schemes

Diet Pills

A cigarette buzz

et al.

 

That is why this is so challenging. You can all do this, just be strong and know that if you really want it, there is a long road. It always helps to see why the road seems so long, keep pespective.

[Juha]

Jigsaw I am so happy for you to see that your in contact again and going to get together with her...

 

In my case there is still much love there but since I have gone NC I think I have pushed her even further away and to the other person even more now that I think about it....

 

Notmyself, so happy for you also to see you also trying to work it out with you gf's...I can understand what you meant by everybody giving you advice and you need to do what you think is best...

 

I was around and she would do all the initiating of contact but her anger and hurt still came out at me, that and she does not trust me much anymore...So I went NC...

 

I had to do it I could not take the situation anymore at the time...Now 5 weeks NC and nothing but an email last week that I did send a response to...It was short light and friendly, just a hi, I have been busy, and how is the new job....

 

I just feel like I have to go to her with a card or call but then I think why bother she is with someone else...But she kept in contact with me for some reason jsut don't know why...

 

I just don't see much hope in this situation...

[nataliejulie]

I've been "dating" my ex for almost a month now. We broke up the first week of August. Since then, it's been pretty rocky.

 

I have not done NC -- I did not think it was appropriate for my case. I did a lot of damage, caused the break up, I needed to change... He needed to see that and build that retrust and comfort back in me! How would I do that by not being around at all!?

 

These are the phases I went through, how I acted and how he responded:

 

Right after break up --

I was really emotional, crying, screaming, begging, crying some more. He backed off so much he told me he never wanted to see me ever again.

 

A month after break up --

Friendly, casual. Talked about once a week on the phone for a few minutes. He was still very distant, but I was mostly initiating contact. Started to tell me he missed me, only in response to me asking. However, he did cry over the phone a lot because of it.

 

Two months after break up --

Friendly, casual. Talked about twice a week. Told me he missed me and was thinking about getting back with me. We tried working out seeing each other and didn't till the two months was almost up. Actually, we had a conversation about how I wasn't waiting around forever and right about then he asked me to see him.

 

A month ago to Now --

I still act as casual as possible. I TRY not to push the subject of getting back together but the more and more we spend time together and as more time goes by he seems to becoming VERY comfortable with me. A month ago he seemed incredibly distant. But I've become so used to this, I don't expect ANYTHING out of him. I went on with my life, he sees that. He sees a much more confident, stronger person in me. The more he sees me moving on.. the more confident and stronger I become, the more closer he gets.

[normal man]

Im so sorry about that man I really am. Knowing you're in pain has me feeling worse about myself for what I did to my ex's ex boyfriend when I started dating her. I was never in the shoes of loving someone and them starting to date someone else so I didnt know any better. Maybe me apologizing to you will somehow eliminate the bad karma coming back for me.

 

Her ex contacted her through IM and she told me about it thinking I might have talked to him and gave it to him. That is why she told me, not for me to be a dick to him. Anyways i took it my own way and figured he was up to his old ways of trying to get her back so I IM'd him from my own AIM and gave him a peiece of my mind. Almost as if i was getting tough with him, when he was being totally nice in how he was writing back to me. I'm kind of embarashed and ashamed and deeply sorry to him for hom I handled it. Wish I could turn back the clock and not do it, or atleast apologize to him....both arnt available to me though.

 

Sorry man for being "that guy" that took ya girl away

[jigsaw]

If you really feel like you want to call, and feel you are over the intial feelings of the breakup, then do. But don't be too much. Don't talk about the relationship, don't say you miss her. You're just checking in. She won't come running back to your arms after one phone call, no matter how good the talk is.

 

Listen to yourself, if you really think it's over, then live your life like it is and you'll get through this. If you feel like something could happen, and you can be strong and enjoy life during the duration, then by all means go that road.

 

If you do go with the latter, you need to embrace your feeling that it will work out, and believe in that. Then you have to put that feeling on the backburner until the time is right. This will liberate you to enjoy your life in the meantime. Enjoy this as an opportunity to do things for yourself. I'm sure there are things that you've always wanted to do, but haven't had time. Now is that time.

 

Take Care Juha, be strong.

[coooolsome]

Yes, I agree with Jigsaw but first you must be able to control your emotions. I broke NC today and called. I had to b/c all my life I always did things the wussy way. I always tried to get friends to figure things out about a girl, see if she likes me or not. I love my ex with all my heart and I was not going to be stubborn. I was in control of my emotions about the breakup. I have come to terms with them. This I had to do for myself.

 

I had to fight for what I love. That doesnt mean you go and call and let her know how you love her and this and that. Part of the fight is to know what to say. I will fight for her. If that means I have to take is slow then so be it. Nobody ever said that a fight would be easy. I will not take this lying down and if nothing comes out of it, at least I tried.

 

So the conversation was good. No relationship talk or emotion talk. Just a regular talk that we used to have when we first started going out. I made her laugh, I showed interest in her. I asked about her and she asked about me. Its easy to say you love them and you miss them. Its hard to talk to your ex without saying these things. This is what you have to be able to control before you dare contact your ex.

[Southern_Belle]

Its easy to say you love them and you miss them. Its hard to talk to your ex without saying these things. This is what you have to be able to control before you dare contact your ex.

 

Can't agree more!

I thought I got over the initial break up feeling, but now that I didn't hear from my ex for two days, began to get anxious, and just wanted to call him and talk about my feeling, it was too early to break NC.

Since we kinda made a plan for this weekend, he may call tomorrow. (If he doesn't, which means he doesn't care enough, I really have to go NC.) But I think I shouldn't take it, since I'm gonna say bad things to him if I took it.

I wish things are easier. How wonderful it would be if I could get him back by saying that I love him and miss them. Or just know that he will come back eventually. It would be so much easier....

[Juha]

Holys#@t she emailed me back today...I just responded to her yesterday after thinking for 11 days if I should....SHe sent two emails one right after the other....

 

Guess she is still thinking about me and I do mean something after all...

 

My gut feeling/intuition is back....Yes!!!

 

Will get into this more later....THe emails were not much of anything but the action means more and I am seeing things more clearly...

 

Night...

[normal man]

I think that the world we live in doesn't instil enough value for patience. We're all so oriented with getting things now that we don't understand the virtues of waiting for something.

 

Credit cards

Fast Food

Get rich quick schemes

Diet Pills

A cigarette buzz

et al.

 

That is why this is so challenging. You can all do this, just be strong and know that if you really want it, there is a long road. It always helps to see why the road seems so long, keep pespective.

 

She is set to move a large distance from me in a month. I feel as if i dont have time, possibly because i feel i have to stop her from goign cause that will be the final straw to the end.

 

Possible that im exagerating and over hyping how i think shes moving on to never look back with this move

[bsp_kjm]

sorry to bring this thread back from the dead, but it is very inspirational. im so happy for the people who's relationships have started coming back together. i hope all of you are still working on your relationships in a positive way unless you have completely fixed them, then that is even better!

[Dogg]

My ex and I have been broken up for three weeks now (her decision). I did strict NC for the first two weeks. broke down and contacted her this past wednesday, only to have her tellm e in short that she just does not want to be with me anymore, and that although she is unnable to predict the future, sher does not see us ever getting back together, ever. We did not have a fight or anything like that so for her to be positive about the situation really hurt me, but i took it like a man, said that I loved her would always be there for her and that I hope one day that we could be together again. I went right back into NC. She has not once initiated contact with me since the breakup asside from her one call to apologize (see other posts...all of them for the full story) i am starting to get worried that she never ever will. has this similar situation happened to anyone who's ex said similar things about "never" and such and then actually DID contact? I am going to have a really difficult time soon due to all the holidays her birthday our "would be" anniversary and all that stuff. I am also beginning to get the feeling that she may already have made plans to go upstate with her friends for New years...is that a bad sign? I really need some feedback on these questions. I do love her and I want nothing more than for her to be happy, I just always thought that it would be with me and in reality, that is obviously what I want. I still hold on to this hope that she will and does miss me and that she will see what she is missing in me and in us...but I feel pretty low right now...I will continue NC like superdave said, but is there still a shot?