After 6 years it's over.. I think..

[billybillum]

First I'd like to say thanks for everyone posting it has really help me deal with this break up.

 

Okay here is my story. I was living with my gf for 6 years. We had a really good relationship overall. Well at least I thought we did. But one problem that we had, was that we didn't come from the same background. She grew up with very negative parents (which she doesn't speak to anymore) mine are very positive and taught me that if you want something bad enough and work at it you can get it. Anyway this overall difference in our thinking caused problems from time to time but we always seem to get over them.

 

So about a month ago my ex starts going out all the time, staying out late etc. While she did this when we first meet she seemed to have settled down and didn't go out and stay out late very often, once every 3 months or so. I really didn't care for it and told her so and she didn't seem to mind staying at home because we seemed like we were headed toward marriage. Overall I believe in giving my partner space to still have friends and do things outside of us. But at the same time at 35 staying out till 3am isn't my idea of a good time, when you have to get up at 6 am!

 

So fast forward a couple of weeks after this was going on. Our lease was up on our place and I decided that it was time to buy a house or condo. We both had been talking about this for well over a year. Anyway I tell her about it and she says that she isn't going to move in with me unless I marry her. Or in her words "until I have a ring" So I tell her that now is not the time for me to be buying a ring (need to save for closing costs, moving, etc) I tell her let's wait a few months and do it then. Well this isn't good enough and she tells me she is moving into her Grandmothers house for awhile. I say okay if that's what you want. I never thought that she would go through with it. We both work but I make about 4 times more money than she does and basically pay for all of our living expensive. She pays for her cloths and her car and things for our place, but after that she doesn't have much money for rent etc. It always seemed like a good trade off and I didn't mind it at all, I love her and want to share and have shared everything with her.

 

Now I move into my new place and she moves into her grandmothers. Lots of tears and hugging while the move is going on. I get the cats she gets most of the furniture and most of the household items. All the while she keeps telling me she loves me and is going to miss being around me. Still wants to date me still and wants to come over to my place etc. Says she doesn't want to date other men that I'm the love of her life etc. I say okay I support your decision do what you have to do. But inside I feel really bad and sad thinking this seems like the end of us.

 

It's been only 2 days since the move, she came over the first night to bring the cats and help me move a few things. Out of the blue she says "If I wanted to move in with you could I" I think for a few seconds and say, "Of course" Not sure if I should have been so quick to say that. What do you think? Am I being too open and giving her too many options? Is it better to keep her guessing a little so she feels like she is missing out on a great life with me?

 

All of my friends tell me that I should totally break up with her and have nothing to do with her, that she isn't a good fit for me. I still love her very much and really miss her. Should I have proposed to her to keep her from leaving? What do I do now? I told her that we shouldn't speak to or see each other for at least a week, so we can get our lives sorted out. She didn't like this idea and started to cry and called me nasty names. I told her all this was her idea.

 

I didn't have any contact with her yesterday, but thought about her all day and night. She sent me a text asking how her boys were doing (me and the two cats) I didn't respond. Should I have? I feel hurt and want her back but, also want her to know that I'm not a push over. Does anyone have advice for me? [/i]

[kellbell]

Well, unfortuantely for you, I am a bit biased and on your girlfriend's side on this one. My and my bf have been going out almost 4 years and he was seriously thinking about buying a home and or condo a few years back. However, his credit is in shambles and has no money put away, so the only way we would get a mortgage would be through me. I told him, I refuse to buy a home or condo until we are a little more established, i.e. ring on my finger. IMO, it is the dumbest and most risky thing one can do, to buy a home, car, etc without being married. Your girlfriend is smart. If you guys broke up for any reason, it would get very messy. Jusyt because you 2 have been together for 6 years doesn't mean you are safe or immune from a break-up.

If you want to marry her, ask her. Money should never stop you from doing what you want. Who needs an engagement ring, I mean it's nice and traditional, but this definitely put a black cloud over your relationship. If I were you, I would seriously talk about marriage with her because that's what she wants. But that is not what you want, then maybe she is not the one for you or it's not the right time. Either way,yo both need to talk seriously about what you both want. Good luck with everything and wishing you all the best.

[NotMyself]

I agree with kellbell on this one.

 

You have been with her for 6 years. If you truly love her, it is only fair to make a committment to her. It doesn't seem it is so much the inconvenience of the house purchase as you could have purchased a ring that was within your means and still make the house purchase. I think to her, any ring would have been special.

 

You haven't proposed to her and it has been 6 years. If you truly love her, you can put your differences aside and work things out. If you really don't think she is the right person for you, you should let her go so that she can find someone who will make that committment. It is not fair to her. Do spend some time thinking about this. You might cause a lot of hurt and pain to the both of you if you let her go only to decide later that you made a mistake. You could lose her for good. On the other hand, don't rush into marriage only to find out in a year, that you two aren't meant for eachother.

[heloladies21]

Proposing will not solve anything. She was confused about her feelings about you and marriage will not cover it up. She just used the proposal as an excuse.

 

You did good to ask for No Contact. It will help you get your emotions in check and let her figure out what she really wants. Stay out of touch for at least a week and let her contact you. She's initially the one who asked for space so she's going to have to do the work to get you back.

 

In the meantime start talking to other girls. Nothing wrong with casual conversation, it's not against the "rules". And it will put you in the right frame of mind.

[kellbell]

No it won't solve everything, but I can tell you that's what she wants and why this is happening. Ypu have to deal with the cause of the problem. Talking to other women won't solve anything either. I went through the same exact thing as his girlfriend, to a tee. After six years, there should be a clear indication whether or not you want to spend your life with someone. Plus, you are willing to plunge into buying a home with this woman without ANY prospects of marriage?? She is not at all confused about her feelings at all and the proposal thing is not an excuse. She knows what she wants. Talk to her. I would let things cool off for a few days but there is a lot to be talked about.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm not sure this is really an issue of assigning blame, or saying who's right ot who's wrong. I think you two just have different views about marrige that need to be resolved/compromised.

 

She thinks you two should be married before owning a major property together. I see other posters saying, "If you love her, you'd marry her." I don't necessarily agree with this. I love my GF to pieces, and we've been together for four and a half years. Does that mean I'm ready to marry her? No. If I was, we'd be married already. So before I start giving advice, or passing judgement, or anything like that...I'd like to know: why havn't you already proposed to her after being together for 6 years? I'm assuming it's not because you don't love her. Did you never think about? Did it never seem convenient? Do you think you could live the rest of your life with this woman and be happy?

[notmyself24]

I can certainly see your gf frustration- not only have you been dating 6 years, but "Living together"- I have never officially lived w/a man (a bf) before, however, I heard that Living together is difficult & if you can get over the hrudle of being with someone day in & day out then you can most certainly marry them. If you 2 get along so great, you're bothin your 30's, been together for a significant amount of time, you know she is the one- then, why don't you just pop the question? Or is it the underlying issues that come along with her wanting a ring & moving in with her grandmother instead of with you in your new place?

 

It seems that your ego is a bit bruised. i think at your age, you should listen to yourself, your heart, and communicate with this woman- it does seem like you love her.

 

I guess men & women are fundamentally different when it comes to marriage/commitment. Men want to wait until they are established & more financially prepared before getting married b/c of the traditional emphasis on the man as the provider/bread winner. Women, on the other hand just need to feel that the man is "the one", no matter what his financial status is (that is if she is not a shallow gold digger).

 

I am only 24, but I have friends/acquaintances younger & my age who are engaged & some married. There are some who are very superficial & put lots of emphasis on the ring (the bigger= the more he loves her), Personally, the ring is not as important as the relationship b/t the 2 people who are taking part in the union.

 

I agree with the other poster who said that if you really love this woman, you are happy, get along, etc...just ask her to marry you. You know she wants to marry you, so go dor it & don't let some minor differences get in the way of eternal happiness. The only reason you should break up with her is if you are thinking of other woman, you are completely miserable, she cheated on you, etc...friends will always offer advice (what you want to hear). The ultimate decision is yours. Take care.

[billybillum]

Very interesting comments. Thanks everyone! The main issue hasn't been that I don't want to marry her, but timing is the issue. At one point I told her let's run off and get married. She said we can't now because everyone will think the reason that you are doing this is to keep me. My response was I don't care what other people think, it's our lives and we can do whatever we want.

 

I know that I should have married her in the past, I really do love her. I think some of this has snow balled up because she got her family and friends involved in the move out and now if she changes her mind she will look stupid to them. Also I think a small part of her likes the idea of having the freedom of not having to answer to anyone (not that we had to answer to one another, but still letting the other know when we will be home etc.)

 

She is super sexy and guys hit on her all the time, I just hope she doesn't decide to cheat on me before we have a chance to work things out or totally break up. Being in limbo really sucks! She has always been very loyal in the past, but things are different now.

 

Thanks again everyone, I'll let you know how it goes. But for now I think I'll keep up the NC for awhile and see how it goes. I really want to call her super badly, but I think we still need time to think about our futures.

[kellbell]

definitely keep us posted. I truly hope things work out for you both, you sound like a real nice guy.

[billybillum]

So I've been going down this NC path and she has been calling and texting me. I didn't answer the phone but really wanted to. I wanted to make this stick for awhile. Then she decided to just stop by my new place on Friday night as I was getting ready to go out. (We always went out on Friday nights together.) I answer the door and she says "hi, how are you doing, forget about me already? I didn't charge my phone up so I couldn't call you" My response is I'm doing good and I'm moved in all the way now and actually finally sleeping good all night long. (which is true and very welcomed! I wasn't getting much sleep when the separation was going on)

 

So I remind her about the NC for a least a week and she says this is stupid because we love each other right? I tell her that we need time to think about what we are going to do with our lives. Her response is to get mad at me right off the bat. So I give in to her and we go out to dinner and have a good time. Come back and she comes in and we watch a movie on cable. She falls asleep on my sofa, just like old times. I wake her up when I get tired and want to go to bed. I have to lock the door behind her. Any way as she is leaving I say have a good weekend, then she leaves.

 

I had a busy Saturday with helping my friend pick up his new BMW motorcycle and cleaning up my place. On my way home to meet my parents for dinner (they are buying me new carpet for my new place!!) She calls I don't answer, she leaves a message saying that she is at the mall with her girlfriend and just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. Also to ask about my dad who is having his kidney removed next week. I haven't called her back it's now Sunday morning and I feel kind of like a jerk for not responding. What should I do?

 

This all seems very strange to me. Here is this woman who I have lived with for 6 years, loved and now I feel like we have just meet. Like we don't really know each other anymore. If I'm around her everything seems normal, yet when I'm away from her I feel as though we are starting from square one. I guess this is normal but where do we go from here? It doesn't feel like we are headed toward marriage more like the end of us.

[heloladies21]

Don't call back and continue to be scarce. She hasn't made up her mind yet and you only want her back if she's 100% sure that she wants you.

[billybillum]

Okay, for some reason today has been the hardest since the move out. I guess it's because I don't have much to do today because it's Sunday. We normally would spend Sunday afternoon together going shopping or just hanging out.

 

You know the panic feeling? Like it's the only thing you care about, making the pain go away, being with her. Wow, at 34 I thought that I would be able to deal this better. I guess you never out grow heartache. Thanks everyone for your help!

[billybillum]

So I haven't broken the NC, but she has. She came over on Sunday night and had dinner with me, hung out then left. Same on Monday night only she made me dinner at my place.

 

Things were pretty normal, then I told her that I was going out on Tuesday night (I normally go out Tuesday night and hang out with my friends, it's the night my fav club plays the music I'm into) I sort of sensed a level of her being pissed off at me. We had a a few words before she left on Monday night, the last thing she said was "Have fun on 80's night" in a crappy tone. I would have asked her to go with me but I didn't want to be rejected, and she said she had to get up super early Wednesday morning for work. Plus I wanted her to know that I'm not just sitting at home waiting for her to call, that I'm living my life with or without her.

 

So Tuesday night rolls around and I go out at about 10:30. Of course I do something stupid, I drive by the street where her Grandmother lives, in a strange way it makes me feel better to know she is in for the night. Well of course she isn't there. So then it starts, I start freaking out. It's amazing the hold she has on me, kind of scary actually. So I keep telling myself to go out and have fun and to forget about it. I go out, but forgetting about it isn't going to happen at least not easily. So around 12:30 I decide to head for home, since I have to get up early and have a busy day at work. I'm buzzed up a little bit, glad my phone isn't charged because I might have called her. Well as you can guess I do a drive by, I know this isn't helping matters much. We now live only a few blocks away from each other which makes it way too easy to do this. Again she isn't there. So freak out again, but this time I force myself to just go home take a sleeping pill and sleep it all off.

 

I wake up at about 4:30 am, wide awake and feeling really sad. So I decide I need to know if she ever came home or not. Well she did, (her car was there this time) which is good I guess, she could have been on a date, or over at here friends house or sisters house. I've ask her several times if she is seeing someone else. She says no that she loves me and wants to be with only me. But the marriage thing comes up right after that. Would she lie about this just to keep me as a fall back the sort of safe bet? She was never the cheating kind at least that I know of, very loyal over all. I know that she doesn't like living with her Grandmother, but it was her idea and I think she regrets it but won't admit it to me. Next time I speak with her should I ask her what she did, without admitting that I did the drive by? Or drop it?

 

What should I do, this limbo is killing me. Should I ask her to marry me. I do love her and want to be with her, but would it be too soon? Also by doing it now will this fix our problems or create more down the road. I always thought of marriage as being a natural thing that you do when your feeling total love for another not being this forced thing that happens because she has push me over the edge. On one hand maybe I needed pushing after all this time of not doing it, but is this normal? Any advice would be great. Thanks...

[spiderman_56]

what the hell were you doin driving by her house and gettin all that desperate attitude .... !?! .. r u loosing your sanity... ?

 

as you have noticed, remaining cool pays off

you got to be a man and remain in control of your emotions ... if the time comes up and you guyz have a talk , clearly state where u stand , whether you truthfully would like to marry her or not and if not at this time the reasons why. If a compromise cannot be reached ..drop her

and please stop that desperate they never ever do any good and they only help to dig your grave.