Fighting for love?? I really need advice, please!!

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend of 10 months dumped me a week ago and I was crushed. I still am but something in my gut is telling me we could get back together and I just need someone to help me out and let me know if I'm thinking objectively.

 

When we broke up he told me that he did not know if it was permanent or not, he just needed time. After a few days I came over (he knew ahead of time) and read him a letter I wrote. I told him I could wait but that I couldn't wait for ever, only for a couple of weeks because it hurt so much. I told him that if he didn't know by then I would move on.

We saw each other ever day after we broke up, one day to watch Survivor, one time cause he helped me move my stuff back to my place, etc. Sunday (yesterday) was our first day of no contact (we broke up on a Monday).

 

I did call him yesterday though. I told him I loved him, that we had so many good times, good memories. He agreed with everything, said he felt the same way. I told him I didn't want to give up. I asked him if we could set a date to sit down and talk about fixing things between us. I told him I wanted us to come up with something that we can do to really change what is wrong with our relationship. He said that if we get back together it has to be because he wants us to and then he said ok, on the 15th which is about two weeks from now. We BOTH agreed to no contact and no phone calls. He did ask that I write him e-mails as long as our relationship wasn't discussed. Is this good? Does it just mean that he doesn't want me pestering him to get back together or something worse?

 

One question about this though. Is this a good sign? My letter to him told him that I wouldn't wait more than a couple of weeks for him to know if we were to be together or now.. And now we have an actual date to talk about fixing things. Is this different or am I being over analytical?

 

Also, I wrote him an e-mail last night. I wrote it because I was doing the laundry of mine that I had picked up from his apartment. When I was folding it I found the shrit I had gotten him for his birthday. I wrote that and I asked if it got stuck in with my things my mistake or if he was returning the gift. I told him that if he wanted it back I would give it to him on the 15th.

 

He wrote me back saying that it was NOT being returned and he had in fact been looking for it because he's wanted to wear it several times since we've split. (this is an "awwwww", right?) He also mentioned the pocket watch I got for him and said how much he loved that as well. He said that maybe I could bring down shirt for him today because he'll want to wear it before the 15th. (even though we agreed on no contact) He also said he'd call me today (again, even though we agreed on no contact) AND he thanked me for writing him.

 

Does it sound like we have a chance of getting back together or am I just grasping for straws?

 

I was also thinking about maybe bringing over a bottle of wine (cause we enjoy sharing a bottle once in awhile) and either some flowers or a card or something when we get together on the 15th. Would this be a good idea or a bad one?

 

I feel so much better now because I just feel like we will be getting back together in a little while but I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or I'm in denial. What do you think? And what can I do or say so increase the odds? I want to be with him again so bad. I just miss him so much.

[djedix]

I think setting an exact date kinda puts unwanted extra pressure on the situation.

[SuperDave71]

Liquid,

 

 

 

What happens when you hold on to a wet bar of soap too hard?

 

 

There is your answer.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Roasted Carrots]

It sounds like you two must have had a real connection to communicate like this after breaking up...

 

It's hard for me to tell if he's "stringing you along" or not. It sounds like it is you that is making all the contact, and that one-sidedness is not a healthy thing.

 

Put him out of your mind until the 15th, and really try to stick to the No Contact. On the 15th, bring flowers or a card if you must, but don't raise your expectations. He might tell you he needs more time, he might tell you to get lost, he might tell you he's decided to move on, he may tell you he has a new girlfriend. Be prepared for anything.

 

On the flipside, be sure to communicate what you want. If he needs more time, give him more than a few weeks, but inform him you are not going to just lie around and wait for that length of time. Respect what he has to say, but then state your reaction how you'll handle this new development.

 

Right now it sounds like there is a possiblility to work things back out, or get back together in a few monthes or so. But I don't know your ex very well, and it also sounds like he could be the type of guy who doesn't want to officially break up for fear of hurting you.

 

All in all, don't expect everything to fall back into place. Try not to put any pressure on him, and focus on other areas of your life (family, friends, career, etc) and plan your future without him for the time being.

 

Good luck!

[darkblue]

Act as if the relationship is over - even if you think it stands a chance of working out.

 

That way; you won't be so hurt if it doesn't work out.

[LiquidCherry]

to djedix: I did not set the date, he did. I left the date open to him so that he could get the amount of time that he needs in order to think.

 

to superdave71: I can't help not letting go. I know I might loose him (heh, not that I haven't already lost him) but I have to try. I won't give up as long as I see there is still a chance. I really do love him.

 

to roasted carrots: we have an amazing connection. he's my very best friend. It is not only I who is making contact. He's called me two or three times and is supposed to be calling me again today. Though I don't know if he will. I'll take it as a bad sign if he does not.

 

I know he is not stringing me a long, I know there really is a chance. I know this because I've spoken with his mother (she called me crying about our break up) and he had told her the same thing.

 

It is hard to stick to our no contact agreement when he wants emails, says he'll call and even wants me to stop by. I don't understand this at all really.

[PartlySunny]

I can't help not letting go. I know I might loose him (heh, not that I haven't already lost him) but I have to try. I won't give up as long as I see there is still a chance. I really do love him.

 

OK... I would suggest reading "The Rules" if you haven't already. I know it's pretty controversial but, IMHO, it WORKS!

 

You really have to ask yourself... are you willing to risk giving up happiness in a long term relationship so you can have the short term instant gratification for the next two weeks?

 

Absense makes the heart grow fonder. How can he miss you if you won't give him the chance? If he's having any kind of second thoughts whatsoever, it's your job right now to help make it clear in his mind that he never ever wants to lose you.. and you can only do that by not being around so he gets a chance to see what life is like without you.

[nataliejulie]

OK... I would suggest reading "The Rules" if you haven't already. I know it's pretty controversial but, IMHO, it WORKS!

 

Man, my therapist told me to read that book a long time ago and I remember reading this part that to attract a man, I should wear revealing clothes, show my cleavage, and insane things like that. I thought my therapist was insane.

[LiquidCherry]

dark blue: it's hard to act as if the relationship is really over, especially when he's saying that there is still a chance. it makes it sooooo hard to let go. i know it's over though.. but there's still hope. where does that leave me? but one of my favorite quotes of all times is, "hope for the best, expect the worst." but right now my hope is keeping me afloat.

 

partlysunny: thank you. i really hope that not seeing me does make him miss me and want to be with me again. there were things in our relationship that he needs the chance to evaluate and though he tried to do that while we were together i think it was impossible for him to be objective that way. that is why i think not having contact with him for now is the best thing. but i'm afraid that when we do get together on the 15th.. what if he doesn't know yet? what if it's not what i'm hoping for?

i didn't understand,"are you willing to risk giving up happiness in a long term relationship so you can have the short term instant gratification for the next two weeks?" can you please explain further?

 

My ex didn't call me like he said he would in the e-mail. I'm feeling very down about this right now because I was looking forward to hearing from him. I am proud of myself for not calling him though, something very unlike me. I think he may be testing me. As he said, he needs time to think. And in the e-mail he said he'd call me tomorrow. At the end he said ILL CALL YOU, in all caps, just like that. I think he might be testing me, to see if I can give him the space he needs and wait until he is ready. I don't know. I don't know what to do at all. How the hell do you get over them when you know there is still a chance? Should I take him not calling me as a sign that he really doesn't want to get back together? Am I a fool for holding on? Am I a fool for waiting?

[PartlySunny]

What I meant by that is, if you give him time away from you, it can only work to your favor.. he will surely miss you, he will experience what life is like without you, and chances are MUCH better that he would want to stay with you. It's just human nature.

 

But if you stick around for the two weeks, EVEN if it's only via the occasional email or phone call, he will not get that opportunity and you are decreasing your chances.

 

As for that thing about the revealing clothing in the Rules, I don't remember seeing that at all. The Rules is all about leaving someone wanting MORE of you, not LESS of you.

[LiquidCherry]

I didn't call him, even though he didn't call me like he said he would. Maybe he was testing me, maybe something came up, maybe he just plain old forgot. I dunno. If he writes me is it okay if I respond? And I was thinking about writing him on Thursday cause we usually watch Survivor together, yanno, just to coment like we do about the episode. Would that be okay if that was all I did and nothing more? No calls, no emails unless it's in response. What should I say to him when we do meet on the 15th? Thank you for your responses, means a lot.

[melrich]

How long have you been in the relationship for?

 

I tend to agree with the other posters. Cut any contact until the 15th. Just knowing you are so responsive to anything he says or does is enough for him at the moment, that gives him succor, it gives him license to play this out on his terms, it allows him to feel he is in control and can make decisions in his own time.

 

Cut the contact, you are giving away too much power here. If you do get back together after the 15th it is very unlikely it would last. You need to frighten him.

[LiquidCherry]

Hmm, that makes a lot of sense. So if I don't respond to him it will make him think he doesn't just have me wrapped so easily around his finger? Do you think he is playing some kind of cruel break up game?

[melrich]

No its not a game. It is human interaction, it is a human natural response to the stimulii he/she is provided with.

 

If you think you can get something or someone any time you want it then you will not want it so hard, you will not put the attainment of it high on your list of priorities.

 

It is not a game, it is the way we think and much of it lies below the surface of our consciousness, it is sub-conscious.

 

Right now your ex is very happy. He seems to have gotten out of a relationship he wanted out of and he has managed to keep most of his friendship with you. What's even better is that he knows if he changes his mind this week or next or in a couple of months, you will come back to him.

 

He's sweet.

[LiquidCherry]

melrich, I didn't answer your first question. We were in a relationship for 10 months. We saw each other ever day and basically lived together. He did not end up calling me last night but he did right me and email. It said, "Hey, write me and email. I'll check it when I wake up." He works third shift. I did not write him back. What would I say? Oh, you didn't call me? I figure that if he wants to talk to me he will. Can you give me some advice on what to say to him when we do meet on the 15th? We are supposed to be discussing some changes we can make to repair our relationship and I don't know how to go about doing it. Do I start by telling him what I think can be done? Do I ask him if he's thought of anything? Or should I just simply ask him if he wants to even be with me at all and go from there?

[melrich]

Can you give me some advice on what to say to him when we do meet on the 15th?

 

You should tell him how you feel and that seeing him when you are no longer a couple is difficult for you. Ask him to respect that and give you time and space to get over the raw emotions of the break up and that you will cfontact him in the future when you feel you are ready to be able to see him as a friend.

[LiquidCherry]

That is what we are doing right now actually. We tried hanging out but it was just too emotional. On the 15th we are getting together to discuss the possibility of getting back together, changes that can be made, etc. He knows we can't see each other as friends. I am hoping that this is enough time for him to know if we shall be together or not. I don't know how to approach a conversation like this so I guess I still have the same question.

[melrich]

I don't know how to approach a conversation like this so I guess I still have the same question.

 

My response was to approaching this situation. 2 weeks is no where near long enough to get over someone. If he is thinking about getting bach together with you he would not be hanging out for this meeting in 2 weeks, he'd be pushing to see you now.

 

don't get your hopes up on this one. Play the meeting tough as I have advised you.

[LiquidCherry]

He's asked me to come over to bring by a shirt.. He's asked me to come over because he got a new fan for my video card. He invited me to poker night this friday. I've declined because I want him to use this time apart to really think about things and he understands this. He called me last night and we had a nice conversation. I don't know what's going on. I think he's about as confused as I am. I wrote him an email telling him that if he wants to get together before the 15th to have our talk that would be cool and if he wants to wait until the 15th that would be cool too. He said he didn't know. He doesn't know what he wants yet. I hope he knows soon. Our talk on the 15th is supposed to be on wether or not we are going to get back together.

[melrich]

Our talk on the 15th is supposed to be on wether or not we are going to get back together.

 

Yes I know it is.

 

This is what I think. If someone is in love with you they want to be with you. They don't want to have time apart to think about whether or not they want to be with you. Simply, two people in love do not break up unless there are extenuating circumstances...distance or illness or war etc.

 

So. What he is considering now is should he get back together with you. Because for him that is a normal conflict. He misses parts of what you had and in the light of the break up he is re-considering. But the reason for the break up is still there. You do not have a long history and your break up has been relatively short.

 

If you get back together, which I too think is a possibility based on what you have posted, I do not think it will be for very long. I think you will be getting back together for the wrong reasons.

 

So I'd go back to telling him you are no longer ready, that you want a longer more permanent break and that you do not want conatct during this time.

 

If after a longer period of being separated you still want to be together I think you may have something that will last.

 

Otherwise you have resolved nothing.

[Goofy7878]

melrich is a friggen' stud, i know you do this out of the kindness of your heart, but i'd pay green money for advice like that....................................actually.......................i have.

[LiquidCherry]

Yes, Melrich does give very good advice.

 

The Reason for our break up is still there. The Reason for our break up will always be there unless a cure is found. Plain and simple I found out I have herpes where as he does not. Does that count as extenuating circumstances? Of coure our relationship wasn't perfect and there were some things we could have worked on (and solved) but this was the biggie. I know very well that there are people out there that will be accepting of me but to me that does not matter because my heart is with my ex. He tried for 4 months to be okay with it but the problem is his fear. He is afraid of being with me, getting this virus, and us breaking up. That is why he tells me that if we get back together it will be for good because if we get back together it means that it doesn't matter, it will just be us, together. I think that if you truly love someone something like herpes wouldn't matter. I understand his need to step back and look at things objectively but at the same time I don't. I miss him. I just checked my e-mail and he's asked to come over tomorrow to watch Survivor. I didn't reply. I don't know how to reply. Friendship isn't enough for me. Maybe that's being selfish, I don't know. It hurts to see him. It hurts not to see him.

[melrich]

Yes I think that would count as an extenuating circumstance.

 

OK I can understand a lot more about where you are coming from with this. Not that it makes things any easier.

 

First I congratulate you for telling him about your herpes. Too many people keep it quiet. I think you have to emphasise that with him. Herpes is a very common STD. Anyone you choose to sleep with nowadays is a bit of a roll of the dice and as I said too many people keep it to themselves.

 

I can also understand where he is coming from. It is very difficult to prevent the passing of the herpes virus and as you know, at the moment it is with you for life.

 

Haver you suggested seeing a doctor together to discuss the best ways of managing the virus? It may give him some comfort.

 

I think that if you truly love someone something like herpes wouldn't matter.

 

I agree with this but that is just a personal opinion. I can't disagree with your b/fs issue and he can't just pretend it is not there.

 

No doubt it changes the advice I have given you. I think on the 15th you should try and talk this issue out as much as you can. Unfortunately you cannot promise he will be safe from infection but you can talk about management of the virus and how you can be as safe as it is possible to be. Ultimately though it is him that has to decide if he can live with that risk and you have to accept that.

 

You should also make it clear to him that you are wanting a lifetime commitment to each other (I assume that is waht you want.)

 

I hope it goes well for you and in another way I wish more members here would read this post.

[LiquidCherry]

Thank you for all of your responses to me. You make a lot of sense at a time when I do not. I found out I had herpes 6 months into our relationship and told him the same day I was diagnosed. He tells me to that it is not a matter of loving me or not loving me.. He is just afraid. I'm on suppressive therapy, I'm willing to do everything to reduce his risk.. But that's just it, there is still a risk and I can never tell him that it isn't there. He is coming over tonight because he believes he has fixed my video card and also to watch Survivor. Watching this show together was a part of our routine. I called him this morning to tell him it was okay (he had asked to come over in an email) and at that time I asked him if he would like to make a doctor's appointment with me. He said he didn't know, maybe. All this not knowing has really got me down. Maybe I should have waited until the 15th to ask him this but waiting is just so hard. I don't think I will be saying anything to him about our relationship this even when he comes over. Do you think I am foolish for holding on to this hope or should I just let go? I think no matter what I am in pain.. He already knows that I would like to spend my life with him and he tells me this makes a difference to him and his decision. I can't wait to see him but at the same time I dread it.