I fell out of love with her-Am I now Devil Incarnate??

[Scratcher Gillespie]

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my ex, and have posted here link removed about issues since the break-up.

 

/Begin Rant

 

Ive obviously been discussing the topic amongst my friends, many of whom have also been in the situation where they have simply fallen out of love with their partner, for whatever reason the passion has gone, and that has been the basis for the break-up.

 

It seems to be the case that unless the partner has done something unforgivable, cheated etc on you, that you have no valid reason for the breakup and thereforeeee must be some sort of cold-hearted moron.

 

Conversations with my most recent ex, and this seems to be fairly constant accross the board with my mates and their ex's, generally go like this:

 

Her thought you said you loved me?

 

Me: I did, but things change and I don't anymore, I don't know why...

 

Her: What did I do?

 

Me: You didnt do anything.

 

Her: Well then why don't you love me??

 

etc etc.

 

She simply cannot grasp the concept.

 

In my opinion, it's more caring to break up with a person you can't see youself sharing a future with, rather than to stay with them out of fear that you will hurt their feelings. Why is it that people who do this are labelled gutless, unable to handle the hard times, and liars when all that is really done is to face up to the truth?

 

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a dickhead for simply facing up to the facts of the situation, and doing what had to be done. I'm well aware that I broke my ex's heart, and that she is devastated, I'm not proud of that at all, it cuts me up inside, but her being in love with me is simply not a reason to go on pretending in the relationship and not giving 100%.

 

/Rant Over.

[Tryingtobestrong]

I agree. You should not be with a person you dont love and dont want to be with.

 

BUT, she is probably hurting very much right now. And it helps her to get over you if she thinks that you are an absolute low-life and she is way better off without you.

 

If it helps her, let her. You know in your heart that you did the right thing after you carefully contemplated it for a certain amount of time. You did not cheat on her, lie to her, physically hurt her, steal,... You get the picture.

 

remember that and let your ex and her friends say and think what they want. If you want her to get over you, then let her be angry at you. It helps.

[rionmccloud]

It's hard to accept that someoone just fell out of love with you when you love them so much. It's also hard to believe that there is no reason behind it. In life there are actions followed by reactions, so it must have been something.

 

Just stay honest with her. Nice, but honest.

[coooolsome]

Does anyone think or have experienced the following: You get dumped b/c your ex fell out of love but later got back together b/c your ex realized that he/she was in love with you?

[NewPhillyGuy]

I don't have any experience, but I've heard so many stories of people ditching their partners only to figure out it was a mistake. Personally, my feeling is that you don't run from someone you really and truly love. You shouldn't need to test them if everything is going great. When those things happen, there was usually something bad going on in the relationship.

 

Right now, I am actually giving my ex the heave ho, but because she's giving me a really hard time, and I want to see if she really intends to change.

[suebob1]

this sounds like my ex(except he is with someone else now) he says me going on at him all the time is just proof that i havr not changed eg: i didnt listen to him when he said we were having problems, i think he is waiting for me to prove i have changed before he comes back if he comes back(my post on this is very long). with regards to not being in love with your ex do you still love them? what is the difference my ex says he still loves me and has never said he has stopped loving me but he is just not in love with me?

[karvala]

Conversations with my most recent ex, and this seems to be fairly constant accross the board with my mates and their ex's, generally go like this:

 

Her thought you said you loved me?

 

Me: I did, but things change and I don't anymore, I don't know why...

 

Her: What did I do?

 

Me: You didnt do anything.

 

Her: Well then why don't you love me??

 

etc etc.

 

She simply cannot grasp the concept.

 

 

Grasp *what* concept? Grasp the reason you did love her, but don't now? What did you say yourself? "I don't know why..."

 

That, in a nutshell, is the problem. If *you* don't understand why you don't love her anymore, then how on earth do you expect her to?

 

It's perfectly normal and reasonable that she'll want to understand why the change happened, and if you can't explain it, which you can't, then you're going to have to accept that she's going to be hurt and confused, and will behave accordingly. You can't really expect someone to say "oh okay, you don't love me anymore, and you've no idea why, but heh, nevermind". It doesn't work like that, I'm afraid.

 

That said, you're absolutely right that not knowing why you don't love her anymore isn't itself a reason for staying together. If you don't love her, then you're perfectly entitled to breakup with her, and nobody should tell you you're wrong for doing so. Just don't expect her to be happy about it.

[annie24]

I don't think that you're a *beep* at all! I think you did the right thing - breaking it off with her rather than leading her on. It happens all the time - people just fall out of love. Better that you break up with her now, rather than 2 years down the road.

 

Are you really sure you don't know why you fell out of love? There must be something... maybe you didn't like her all that much to begin with?

 

Good luck

[DamagedGoods]

WOW! You could have been dumping me, because my situation was pretty much the same. Just so you know how your ex is feeling I'll give you an idea. First, it TOTALLY sucks when someone falls out of love with you. Regardless of what the situation was leading up to the break-up try to remember that this is someone who rocked your world at one point. Being a part of that and knowing it's gone can tear a person apart. Even if you see it coming and aren't surprised, being abandoned HURTS BAD. It's one of those things that you just can't understand unless you've been through it. Once you've been through it, you become incredibly compassionate for those that you put through it.

 

That said, I think you totally did the right thing. Your ex deserves to be with someone who thinks she's wonderful. The longer you stay with someone out of pity, the more you resent them and lose respect for them. It's just not fair. HOWEVER, I think those who we bring into our lives deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and honor expecially when you send them away. I sense that you're getting annoyed with her and I would just suggest that you to be patient with her without encouraging her in any way whatsoever. She'll get the picture and you'll respect yourself more for taking the high road.

[steve-0]

I am going thru the same thing. I fell out of love with my ex. I broke up with her a couple weeks ago and the reason I gave her was "i just dont feel the same way about you anymore". In my mind I know it was a combination of her personality..and that being that we are just too different. I also didnt see a future with her at all. However, I didnt really give her any reasons why I didnt feel the same anymore. She didnt even ask why and accepted it. But now looking back I feel like i may have left her hanging? She seems to be doign alright now and we are trying to do the "friends" thing. Do you think i should bring up why exactly I broke up with her? or is it too late

[annie24]

I also didnt see a future with her at all.

 

To me, this sounds like enough of a reason. Maybe some girls are gluttons for punishment, but I personally don't want to hear every last little reason a guy isn't crazy about me anymore.... OUCH!

 

If you are friends, try not to lead her on. Many people stay "friends" in hopes that the dumper will reconsider and take back the dumpee. That's a big waste of time.

[Juha]

How about I love you and still care about you and don't want to lose you from my life....This after she just leaves without ever saying anything except

"it's over"....

 

I know why, I was having my anxiety and did not know it so I pushed her away and now I am so much better and have it under control with my routine and does not want to know anything about it or me...I feel so good and in control again I want her back so bad I feel like I have had my heart cut out and I did not have anything to do with it...

 

I was not me but she just leaft and acted so cold and then hot towards me for two months, this after she starts seeing someone else and contacts me behind his back...

 

No, you do not have to give a reason but make damn sure you are 100% sure about how you feel and why, before you do it...

[Ashland71]

I think it is especially important to not get angry with her for being hurt and confused. Whoever said that was right on target. I just wanted to say that I really hate the whole idea of falling out of love. I just don't believe that if you were ever in love that you could ever fall out of it. I still love everyone I have ever loved. It is a really short list, but I haven't stopped loving anyone I ever really loved. I have stopped liking several people that I have dated, but love should be forever and if you stop loving someone then you didn't love them to begin with. At least that is the way I love people. I just had to say it. I do wish you all the best and just don't be too nice to her and get her hopes up. I know it is a fine line to walk, but give it a try since you decided you don't love her.

[Scratcher Gillespie]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

 

Ashland71, I disagree that you can't ever fall out of love with someone. I spose the problem stems from the fact that it's impossible to define love per se. I was in love with my ex at one point, there is on doubt about that. But it is a feeling, its not something tangiable that's easily explained. When I say my ex doesnt grasp the concept, I think she thinks that once someone says I love you, then that binds them to the other person no matter what the circumstances. I spose what's loev to one person isn't necessarily love to another person, and thats where a lot of problems start.

 

Steve-0, I know where your coming from. It's hard to give a person a reason for breaking up when there isn't one big issue that lead to the breakup. It broke my heart trying to explain that to my ex. In my case, it was a slow gradual realisation, after getting to know my ex better, that we weren't compatible long-term. Steve, I think if shes handling the break-up ok, there is no need to go into minute detail.

 

Annie24, like I said to steve, it was a slow and gradual realisation that we werent compatible. We really didnt have a great deal in common, and after a while I think that I began to realise that.

 

Karvala, I don't expect her to understand the minute details of why my feelings changed. I do, however, expect her to acknowledge that it is possible for someone to fall out of love. For someone to say I love you at one point in time, I don't love you at another point in time, and not be a lying bastard.

 

I guess I've just been questioning myself, asking myself whether I am all the things my ex calls me, gutless etc. While I'm obviously not feeling fantastic that a relationship ended, I do think I made the right decision, and people that think I'm a liar or whatever can think what they want.

[Fivek]

We really didnt have a great deal in common, and after a while I think that I began to realise that.

 

Bingo, that's a good reason to break up. Better now than later.

[annie24]

I don't see why he couldn't talk to me about it earlier and allow us to work on things.

 

I think if two people are fundamentally incompatible, there's nothing much that can be done. For instance, at first, they have tons of fun together, but after the giddiness is over, he realizes that he'd rather go to a sports game and she'd rather go to the opera. Ok, no big deal. Then he sees that she wants to live in the city and he in the country. And so on and so on. Pretty soon, you realize that there are a lot of differences.

 

You don't want to change who are person is. I'm not sure that that's the sort of thing that can be worked out.

[DamagedGoods]

Wizmor a.ka. Hijacker -- just kidding

 

Your post got me thinking. I think you're exactly right -- why don't people talk to their partner right when they start having problems? I guess they don't want to deal with the messiness of it. But that's what relationships are all about. Issues come up and you work through them. I think some people think that you just meet the perfect person and everyhting is smooth sailing. I agree that not all relationships are going to work out no matter how much communicating goes on but at least when you bring up the problems the relationship has a chance!

 

I got the rug pulled out from under me. It literally felt like a kick in the stomach when my bf told me he wanted to break-up. I was shocked. We actually started the conversation with my insistence that something was up with him. He denied it repeatedly saying that everything was fine. We'd had several conversations like this and they usually ended with my convincing myself that I was just insecure. this time was different, I kept saying there's something missing. Finally he said, I think we should break-up. WHAT!?!?! WHAT?!?!?

 

I think sometimes people get over their partners while they're still in the relationship. By the time they actually end the relationship, they're so sick of us that they don't find walking away difficult. They're over it. In the meantime, we've been getting all thes awful vibes and questioning our gut feelings so our jerky partners can ease out at their own pace. MAN, I'm getting so angry writing this!!! I'm angry and I'm said because he just didn't give the relationship a chance and now I'll never know if it could have really worked. And what REALLY makes me mad is that when they do end it, they have the nerve to be annoyed that we're surprised. Heck they've know it wasn't going to work out for a while. Maybe they just hang in there because they're afraid they won't find anyone better and wait until they do so they don't have to risk being alone.

 

Sorry for the ranting. Something just hit a nerve.

[renaissancewoman101]

DamagedGoods, I can so understand what you are feeling. My ex just did that to me a week or so ago. He broke up with me because we didnt have anything in common and he lost the "in love" feelings that he had for me before. He tells me he still loves me a lot but that the feelings are there. Last year, he did the same thing (and it happened right around this time of year too), but we decided to give it a second try. That time, I did NOT see it coming. This time, I kind of saw it coming because I had started to lose interest in him earlier this year, and I pulled away from him and gave him a lot of space and time to hang with his friends, he began to chase me and do a lot for me, trying to find out why my feelings towards him had changed. It is hard to explain how feelings can change. I never expected my feelings for him to die out. They just did. All of a sudden, one day when we were out for dinner, I looked at him and realized I couldnt stand him and his childishness. Yet, I still clung on to the relationship and gave him less time and attention. Yeah, I literally "killed" my own relationship.

 

Now, he has decided to actually go out and "axe" the relationship, and now I want him back BAD. I have been crying, not sleeping well, not eating, etc., for the last week or so, pining for him. And, I would do anyting to get him back in my life again. ANYTHING.

 

Isnt life ironic???????

[DamagedGoods]

RenaissanceWoman,

 

That's GREAT that you were starting to lose feelings for him at one point! Even though you feel like you want him back now, now is when you're feeling rejected. Of course you want him back. I would try to focus on the reasons why you wanted to reject him then. Were they real reasons? What were they?

 

DamagedGoods

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I feel rejected and unloved, and I want him back mainly because I am lonely and because I miss having someone around who really loved me. He really loved me a lot and would do a lot for me. It is funny because, in the beginning of the relationship, I was so smitten over him, that I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I would spoil him to death and overlook a lot of our differences. Then, last year, almost exactly to the week, he broke up with me, saying I was smothering him and he needed space to go hang out with his friends and figure out what he wanted to do with me since he was losing his "in love" feelings for me. I freaked but I gave him space. I also called his mom who advised me to give him space and that he still loved me and just wanted space. He came back that time.

 

Our relationship seemed to get better for a while, we spent a lot of time together. But, in Feb, when we went away for a weekend, all of a sudden, I began to see what I was getting myself into. He had given me a necklace with a heart pendant with diamonds on it. He really was looking for me for something serious.

 

I began to realize that we were really incompatible. He and I come from different areas of life. He likes to be a punk and act like a punk. He likes to dress in punk fashion, which doesnt really appeal to me. He drinks a lot and he smokes. He likes to spend most of his time playing childish video games/computer games. He hangs around friends who are a lot younger than him and who like childish things like him. He is so into collecting and playing with Star Wars toys and action figures, stuffed animals, Transformers, etc. His room is filled with toys, mostly Star Wars toys, action figures and stuffed animal. He has probably about 50-60 stuffed animals cluttering his bed. He doesnt like anything yuppish and he makes fun of yuppie things. He doesnt know when to keep his mouth shut about things and he makes inappropriate comments at inappropriate times. He also lives at home and he is 32 years old. His parents disrespect him a lot and constantly nag after him. He doesnt know how to drive and doesnt drive. It is like he doesnt want to grow up and he wants to keep his childhood with him even though he is 32 years old.

 

I tend to be one who likes sophisticated things. I do like opera and musicals and going out to nice dinners. He cant afford any of that since he works a sales job selling luggage. He gets uncomfortable around my friends who are yuppies like me. I get uncomfortable around most of his friends because all they care about is Ren Faires and doing LAN gaming and drinking and smoking. He and I also have different ways of seeing things and thinking about things. He tends to look at things as being half empty or against him, I try to be optimistic about things.

 

On the other hand, I do miss him a lot. He was the second relationship I ever had in my life that lasted a long time. My first relationship lasted a while but it didnt end well. He has also treated me very well and been there for me a lot and taken care of me, bought me little gifts etc. He has always been kind and considerate of me, putting me first, etc. He also introduced me to his family and gave me a semblance of family life, something of which I never really had.

 

I think I did have an effect on him since I drove him around, took care of him financially, introduced him to a whole new way of life, etc. And his family, especially his mother, liked me a lot. She really did not want us to break up since she was hoping that I would help him mature and that we would end up together.

 

It is hard to stay focused on the reasons why I lost interest in him in the beginning, because now, at this point in time, I feel as though I would do anything to get him to come back to me.

 

I miss him a lot.

[novaseeker]

It sounds to me like you were pretty incompatible with him ... not in the sense that you were so different, but in the sense that you didnt like the differences and he didnt like the differences, which is when differences become incompatibilities, really. You will miss him in the short term, but if you think about it could you have lived with all of those incompatible traits in the long term? I'd give that some thought when the thoughts of missing him come to the forefront.