Stir Crazy

[FCTex]

Thanks.. Too bad my wisdom came at an early age, and at the cost of great pain and self realization.

 

I know what you mean man. I never really feel that my ex ended it right. Sure we had a talk on the phone, which set the tone, then met in person, and did the "taking a break" in the car.. But the 'it's done for good, we're done" talk.. I never really got it face to face. I never had the chance to look into her eyes, and have her utter those words to my face.. I too need the total let down. Just bust me open, and I'll realize it's done. Instead I'm left to wonder, and wait..

 

But I'm not.. I mean, I am, but I'm not letting it run me. It's okay to think of your ex. It's healthy. It's good for you. Think of the good, and the bad. Think of the funny and the sad. Be reminded of them, because after all, they aren't bad things to have memeories. Most of us have some of the greats memeries from our relationships. Remember them. Learn from them

 

You have to let go though. I'm not saying totally give up, because much like you, I have hope. My situation with the ex dictates that I do have another chance. I've had it hinted at. I'm just not going to wait for it. I gave her my peace. I told her how I felt, I told her what I wanted. I told her what I thought.. When I had the chance, I made my intentions for us apparent. I made everything known to her. She knows what I want from her.. It might change with time, but who knows. Time is the teller.

 

It doesn't help that you see her apartment everyday.. Infact, I get into my truck everyday, and I think of my ex. Her dad helped me get it.. When I go to work, I'm reminded of her, because it's her Dad's company, he's the CEO.. I go into his office, and I see pictures of her. I see him at work or in meetings and I see her in him.. I go into the lab to get some things, and I see where she used to work during the summer. I found a pad of paper in a desk a few weeks ago that had our names on it with a heart between them. That hurt. I'm constantly reminded of her, 5 days a week, and the other 2 I do it on my own.

 

You'll live man... Somedays I wanted nothing more than to take that brand new truck I bought.. and wrap myself around a tree in it. But now I wake up, and I realize that I said my peace. I've left my notes, I've said my words, and I've sung my song. She can chase me, because I'm running, I'm moving.. And she'll realize her mistakes, because I know she will, and she will have to run for me again..

 

I posted these lyrics last night from a favorite song of mine..

 

"And you know it's not so easy when your all alone. And I wonder if I'm alone in your head...., 12 days gone by since I have saw you last, I will give this one more try, we'll give it all our best. What could you be doing that is so much fun without me by your side without me by your side! I will take a step back, which I will let you ahead, and I willl take a step away and see if you come back, because there is no more trying to make this alright, there is no more trying, there is no more trying tonight. It will never be the same, it will never be the same, we will never be the same, until your done."

 

Your ex isn't done.. Move on. Don't take that step back, don't step aside. Don't let them move on without you. Move on for youself, and they will have to take that step to you. They will have to take 2 for your 1, because your that much farther..

 

Be strong.

[liambilson]

FCTex - those were fantastic posts and have given me strength to get through today at least. You are indeed a man of maturity for your age. I went through something similar to this at 20 - believe me wisdom does not come with age as it as just as difficult and painful now at 46 - probably more so actually as there is less time to 'move on' and actually meet special people.

Everything thing you said is so sensible and I am really fighting to keep NC - but the more I do it the angrier I get that she is not contacting me and the love I have is slowly being replaced with hate - how do I stop this. I am moving on and not sitting at home moping but I miss her so much. Just a few words of hers in an e-mail with a kiss at the end would give me enough oxygen for a day. When I left her 8 times she begged and begged and I went back every time because I couldn't bear to see somebody in that pain. What does that say about me? And now when the boot is on the other foot she can't even pick up the phone. Anyway your words were very comforting and let's hope you're right FCTex !

Cindy, almost there last night - had to up the sleeping tablet dosage to do it though. I can feel your frustration but I promise one day you will wake up smiling.

[rascal]

thanks, FTC. Wow, I thought I had it tough. You have to work with her dad? Ouch. Don't know how you do it. same way I look out my office window about 20 times a day and see her building. the building where we used to live together. Where she still lives without me. It's amazing that she lives about 3 blocks from where I work, and I haven't seen her once all summer. I know she's seeing someone and I should let go. But there is a part of me that won't let that me for some reason. I can't figure it out. I'm pretty sure it's because she never told me it's over forever. Pretty weak, I know. I just wish she had written me a letter saying, "look, I'm sorry for theway things ended, I know it was 8 years, but it's time for both of us to officially move on and get on with our lives."

That's all it would've taken. A 5 minute letter on her part. And the thing that kills me is she knows this. My friends all say forget about her, it's been almost 4 months, she's moved on and she's not coming back. But something inside me is telling me she would've sent that letter if she wanted me to forget about her. Of this I am sure.

 

But i won't contact her. I just won't. I want so badly to stop by her place after work and just say, "tell me it's over to my face...tell me you don't love me." And maybe I should. Maybe that would be the final straw that would push me over the edge. That is where i et confused about NC. If she is already over me, which she is (4 months and a new guy...how delusional am I?) what difference does it make if I go see her and force her to tell me these things to my face?

[FCTex]

Everything thing you said is so sensible and I am really fighting to keep NC - but the more I do it the angrier I get that she is not contacting me and the love I have is slowly being replaced with hate - how do I stop this. I am moving on and not sitting at home moping but I miss her so much. Just a few words of hers in an e-mail with a kiss at the end would give me enough oxygen for a day. When I left her 8 times she begged and begged and I went back every time because I couldn't bear to see somebody in that pain. What does that say about me? And now when the boot is on the other foot she can't even pick up the phone. Anyway your words were very comforting and let's hope you're right FCTex !

 

Thanks for the kind praise.. It's okay to let go, I promise. My words as I type these are sensible advice, and I'm not going to lie, I struggle to follow my own words, each and every day.

 

I've found it okay to be angry. I still get angry, and I get hurt all in the same motion. I mean, if she cared, wouldnt she call me? Wouldnt she want to see how I was? If she loved me, why treat me and do this to me, and only let me stew in my own mess? Your love isn't turning into hate, I promise you that... I still love my ex with ever cell in my body, ever inch of my heart, I love that women to death. I would give that women my heart if it meant she'd live just one more day than planned.. But I do find myself getting so mad, that I almost feel like I don't love her. I feel like our love was faked, it was a lie.. When in reality you can't think that. Why would someone be with you, through all the times, through all the mess, through all the happieness, and NOT love you? Seriously, I have to remind myself of that.

 

Why would I have what I have? Why would I be who I was, if she didn't love me and show me that in the 1 1/2 years. I didn't lose 1 1/2 years, it wasn't a lie, it wasn't faked. It was real, and you too have to realize that even though your hurt, being mad is just a reaction to it. We feel rejected, so it's so simple to get angry at anything within the situation, even at the person we just days, or months, or years ago, loved with everything within us.... Be angry.. but at the end of it all, smile, because there was love. There were smiles before all of this, and you learned from it.

[FCTex]

thanks, FTC. Wow, I thought I had it tough. You have to work with her dad? Ouch. Don't know how you do it. same way I look out my office window about 20 times a day and see her building. the building where we used to live together. Where she still lives without me. It's amazing that she lives about 3 blocks from where I work, and I haven't seen her once all summer. I know she's seeing someone and I should let go. But there is a part of me that won't let that me for some reason. I can't figure it out. I'm pretty sure it's because she never told me it's over forever. Pretty weak, I know. I just wish she had written me a letter saying, "look, I'm sorry for theway things ended, I know it was 8 years, but it's time for both of us to officially move on and get on with our lives."

That's all it would've taken. A 5 minute letter on her part. And the thing that kills me is she knows this. My friends all say forget about her, it's been almost 4 months, she's moved on and she's not coming back. But something inside me is telling me she would've sent that letter if she wanted me to forget about her. Of this I am sure.

 

But i won't contact her. I just won't. I want so badly to stop by her place after work and just say, "tell me it's over to my face...tell me you don't love me." And maybe I should. Maybe that would be the final straw that would push me over the edge. That is where i et confused about NC. If she is already over me, which she is (4 months and a new guy...how delusional am I?) what difference does it make if I go see her and force her to tell me these things to my face?

 

Yeah, tell me about it. Her dad and I are on the most awesome terms. He understands, and we keep work to work, and home to home... He treats me no different than the day we got together. I'm thankful for that.

 

I'm sorry your constantly reminded of her, but think about this on the other hand.. She sees the place you work, every single day. She knows that your only 3 blocks away, she can see your building from hers.. She thinks of you too.. It's simply human nature, and instinct. She's reminded of you, when she goes by it, I can attest to that..

 

As far as, why shouldn't you contact her. Because after all, you know your not going to get back together.. She's made up her mind, and made it obvious.. Why not just shatter everything, and ask her why?

 

Simply because.. What you don't know, doesn't hurt you. NC isn't for them really. In a way it is.. If your trying to get back with them, giving them space, letting them know you can do it without them and to show them what it's like when your totally gone. To let them be and decided what they want.. It's the easy way to do things.. In your situation, NC is for you. Only you, and you alone.. Not contacting her is helping you.. Your moving on, wether you realize it or not. Slowly, sure, but you are.. By bringing everything back up, your only going to relive all of that. Whatever she tells you, if anything, will make your mind wonder. You will wondering why, who, what, how? You'll break it apart and in the end, it will break you apart. Leave it be.. Because it's a sleeping giant right now. You wont get anything out of it, your milking a dry cow..

 

Dont contact her for you.. Because simply reliving the hurt, doesn't help anyone, and knowing more about the situation, this late in the game, doesn't help anything at all. It just makes it more painful to know.

[Cindy11]

FCT, thanks so much for the great posts. I must have read them at least 5 times. They definitely help alot. I will continue to read them when I'm feeling down. Again, thanks so much.

[FCTex]

They make me feel good to read them. The more and more I spill it out, the more I grow, the more I believe in what I'm doing.

 

I feel like I have some strength back, I feel like I'm doing something not only for me, but for people who need it. My ex doesn't need me. Everyone needs someone though, and it just hurts that it's not me to her..

 

 

Thanks for the praise everyone. Keep your heads up, and your cell phones hidden. Don't look for ways to hurt yourself. Don't pry, and don't contact. Be for you, and in return they will be for you as well.. Re read that if you don't understand it. It just popped into my head today..

 

Be for yourself... and they in return will be for you as well.

[Cindy11]

I wrote a letter to my ex yesterday but didn't send it. After reading it a couple of times, I realized it's not worth it anymore. So the letter does help. It helps to open you up and get a lot of anger that's built up out.

 

I highly recommend that you write this letter but DON'T send it. When you read it several times, you'll understand what I'm talking about.

 

Good luck.

[FCTex]

I wrote a similar e-mail.... But I sent mine. I'm glad I did. I never got a reply back, but you know what. I kept it as a draft, and I read it, and to be honest, what I said in it, i wanted her to know, even if her and I never get back together, for her, I wanted her to know every word I typed.

 

You do feel better. Do anything for you, but do not contact, because it's not for you.

[rascal]

FCT, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all you've written. You're 20 years younger than me, but I know when it comes to matters of the heart, love knows no age. Deep down what I know your saying is true.(except for the part about her thinking of me when she sees my office-she's with someone new) I hope your right, I really do. It is a comforting thought, that makes me feel better, if only for an instant.

 

Life is a strange thing. I came to this board a month ago in search of...I don't even know what...just in search, I guess. And while I haven't ever told my whole story, I'm amazed by all the people out there with broken hearts. And how nice everyone is here. Especially FCT, and SuperDave. To take the time and pour your heart out to complete and total strangers who are hurting in a way only the broken hearted can understand, is a truly special thing that I will never forget. I have my friends and family, but frankly they have heard enough. 4 months is a long time not to have moved on. But people here understand. And that is a great thing. Something not to be taken lightly.

 

So for reasons that are obvious to me now (spending countless hours here while I'm at work, reading over everyone's stories, they have a soothing effect on me, I can't really explain it) I have to stop coming here. It has become a way for me to keep thinking about her and it has become an unhealthy habit. Moving on is moving on, and that's is what I have to do. She's not ever coming back and I need to face it.

 

Again, thanks FCT. Hopefully I will look back on this in a couple years and

remember how this place helped me. But for now, I have to say goodbye.

 

Good luck to everyone here. Take care, and be strong. And put down that phone!

[FCTex]

Thank you.. Sincerely from the heart.. I post this, only so I believe my own words. I find that if I'm hurting so bad, if I can soothe someones mind, and heart, even for a moment. Or if I'm at the breaking point, and wanting to just reach out to the ex, that I know someone.. somewhere is doing the SAME thing I am, and because of my words, they are holding back, even for a second.. It makes me that much stronger.

 

I'm moving on, and feeling better each day, through everyone else. The advice I get, helps me. For someone to take even just 30 seconds and post on the log, to tell me how well I am doing. How they agree with what i said. How they think I should do this or that. How it's okay to feel like that.. anything... It makes me happier.. It makes me stronger.

 

We're all in this together, we are all broken hearted, and lost.

 

I can respect that you want to move on from this. It's a huge step.. Coming here does remind me of my ex, because simply put, I'm forced to think about her, and hence the whole reason of being here..

I wish you the best, if you read this. And I am right. She thinks of you when she sees your building. I could go back years to old girlfriends, who I never loved, and really didnt have much to do with them, and be in a spot and remember them, even if I'm with someone.. She thinks of you man..

[rascal]

thanks, bro. sincerely. I'm out. peace.

[liambilson]

You guys are much, much stronger than me. I admire you. I caught a glimpse of my ex in a car at the weekend with a guy and it destroyed me. Still having the nightmares waking me up in the middle of the night which are crippling me. At times I really don't want ever to wake up again. This is truly killing me. Help me please ! I just want her to look at thebig picture of the 4 years . God she doesn't know what I did for her really.

[NotMyself]

just hang in there liambilson..

 

i know somedays are worse than others, and the pain seems unbearable.. all i can say is sometimes people do strange things.. it doesn't mean she didn't or doesn't love you. some people just have a lot of emotional baggage and they don't even know it. maybe her escape to not deal with this baggage was to leave your relationship not even realizing that she is reacting to whatever bad experiences she might have had in the past. she may even think about you everyday, but doesn't act on her feelings because she doesn't want to think about you so she doesn't have to deal with her feelings like we all are doing here. the worst thing about this is trying to analyze what the other person is doing and why.. it just doesn't make anything better.. try to do what i'm doing.. when i start thinking about my ex, i am going to remember that she does love me, but is hurting... maybe for whaterver reason, yours is hurting too. maybe she loved you just as much as you loved her and right now she is not dealing with her feelings.. just leave her alone and try to think positive thoughts.. i know its hard because my mind goes bonkers with the worst thoughts. just try to remember the positive things, and hold on to those memories. when you get sad, just remember she probably is thinking about you and does love you too.. she is just not dealing with her feelings. but remember, as i too forget, no matter how much you tell them, you cannot change their mind.

 

believe it or not, if you truly had a loving relationship that was special, she will eventually start dealing with the pain when she realizes that she has lost you.. the thing we have to do is not wait for that moment though, because we never know if its going to smack them in the face tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.. keep on working on yourself.. stay positive, think positive...

 

don't wonder if she misses you.. if the relationship was good and she did love you, she does miss you. stop wondering if she is coming back. if it is meant to be, it will happen. i know its not easy.. i am going through the same thing.. together, we can get through this and in the end, whether they come back or not, we will be better people.

 

k, take care my friend.. we will be okay.

[liambilson]

Your post was so supportive NotMyself - I really appreciate your kind words - very sensible. I feel so guilty coming on this site to just unload my worries and fears instead of supporting people like you do. Just wish I was stronger. I am moving on very slightly but even when I am with other people she is omnipresent in my thoughts and as I said previously it is just a complete burning desire to have some contact with her. She is a very genuine and emotional person and i am sure she is hurting. What hurts me is I left her 8 times and took her back but although we have met and had a great time 3 times in the last 6 weeks as she as she is away from me her feelings change quite dramatically. She says she isn't 'in' love with me but still wants me in her life but she never calls or anything 18 days NC now. I am giving her time to sort herslef out - just hopes she has it in her heart to reach out to me sometime. It's really killing me though. How are things with you ? You are right - we will get through this somehow and someway - all because of great people like you !

[Magamar]

Sorry but I just HAVE to vent. I'm sorry!!!!

 

I've gone about a week and a half with NC then out of the blue she texts me today asking if I'm doing anything tonight!!!!!

 

Why did I think that meant she wanted to go out!!! I really got the wrong end of the stick and asked if she wanted to go out for a drink. STUPID. That was two hours ago and guess what...... not a thing since. She hasn't even got the bottle to say 'No'. B I T C H!!!!!

 

The thing is before she got in touch I really felt like I was putting my life back on track. While I haven't been in touch with her I really have been feeling better.

 

To all people reading this post NC really does work. Even, if like me, you harbour hopes of getting back together always keep NC. Otherwise it just plays with your head. I really feel like I've regressed. I've read it so many times on this message board to keep NC at all costs but I thought 'No' I don't have to do that. I'm better than that. WHAT DID I KNOW!!!!!

 

Ah well. Thanks for listening. I still feel like crap and I'm still waiting for her to text back even though I'm p i s s e d off BIG STYLE!!!!

 

So long.

[FCTex]

You all are doing so well, just hold for you..

 

These are times in our life to BE SELFISH. Do for you, and don't worry about anyone else, until you've done for you first and foremost.

 

We all think of the what if's. I do. Everything.. Everyday. But you can't think that!!!!! It makes us go in reverse when you over analyze everything.. If you worry about them all day, your not worrying about YOU. Stop the thoughts, stop the crying, stop the moaping. And worry about you!

 

You ask yourself.. If they loved me, why don't they contact me?! I think that everyday.. If my ex did love me.. wouldnt she atleast call me ONCE in a while? Wouldnt she have SOME sorta coversation, or contact with me? Sometimes, nothing is the best thing to do. Staying away from the problems, staying away from the hurt, avoiding the traffic of the situation is the only thing we can do.. I'm taking that detour in the traffic, and I'm going to hold my NC. Everyone needs to think of it that way. Don't get stuck in the traffic of it all. Don't go in reverse...

 

My ex will call me. I know it.. But she, like me can go days and days without doing so. I just wonder if she fights it like I do.. I think she also just screws with me to find out if I'm still hooked. She'll find a way to have some contact, and leave it up to me to contact her. Then she'll disappear for a few days. It's weird. Like she goes back into remission, and can't have anything to do with me. But you know what.. I want her too. I want her to contact me, and not get a single reply.. I want her to do this a few times.. overtime, and realize how it hurts. How you plan what to say. Plan your tone.. Your message, your heart beats faster.. But then.. Your let down. The plane crashes when you get no answer. Your plans are killed within 30 seconds of the ringing.

 

You lose hope in that instant. Your offically let down, and your upset.. You wonder why they aren't answering. Did you know you called, or were they really away from the phone.. Your mind starts to put all these little what if's together, you have to stop it! Think positive.. WHAT IF, your ex was thinking about you at that same time, and they couldnt talk to you, because they were upset too.. Just.. let it go.

 

LET GO.

 

I know it's easy to say, but hard as crap to do. Trust me.. We're all gonna be strong. There is no sense in giving in, when you get the glimpse of hope, because after all.. That hope might be frabricated from your own mind, not a reality. Keep that in mind

 

Magamar,

 

Great job going so long with NC. Keep it up, even though it slipped.. Sometimes our ex's are left with nothing like we are, they slip into the realm of manipulation. Thats what she is doing. She's wondering if your out having fun. If you have a date. If your out having fun. Or, if you don't have plans, if your sitting at home crying. If your not having fun.. She's also looking to see if you jump to reply to her. If you offer to make plans, and then she'll realize that your open to the idea, and that you dont have something important enough, because your offering plans with her. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to make plans with you..

 

It simply just means, that she got what she wanted, only by uttering those short words. She knew instantly that you'd jump to see her. That you didnt have plans, and would like to make them with her. It showed her you were still seeing her in a positive light. She knows that you want her back, that you want the contact, and that she is still on your mind! Women hate to be ignored, hence, how well NC works for those trying to get back. If she doesn't come around, then she really didnt want anything again. Move on. If she comes back around, it's because of a reason.

 

Your ex contacted you, because she's thinking about you. She's worried that YOUR MOVING ON, without her. She's wondering if she's being replaced. Just stick to your guns. Because she'll contact you again. She doesnt know what to do, and thats why she's still contacting you. She must not want the total loss. It's okay to be mad at yourself for that. I was just a breaking point, and you got sucked in. Your not going backwards, just stick back to it, and don't reply to her the next time then. Don't feed her what she wants. Unless it's her asking to meet up, or asking to work things out, I wouldnt give it much of your heart. If it's small talk, simply write it off. TRUST ME.

 

I know this first hand. My ex contacts me from time to time. Simple things. Simple promises. She'll feed me all the 'we will hang out', ' i want to start talking again, i want to be friends right now atleast'. She'll tell me she honestly wants to meet up on a weekend or something.. Or that she'll call me tonight, or tomorrow, or this week.

 

You know what I get? Nothing. I get some half azz'ed text messages. I get a cop out phone call that rings twice and she hangs up, just to see if I call her back. I get no answers, I get nothing but heartache. I know how you feel man. I feel it everytime she contact me. I felt it after I met up with her and had a heart to heart. I feel like when I contact her, and I dont get the answers I want to hear, I get upset. I feel down. I feel like I was on top of the world to see her, to talk to her, to hear and feel her. But at the end of it all, I'm sick. I'm tired, I'm weathered.. I feel lost.

 

 

Stay strong. We are all going to get the contact we're avoiding but so desperately want. It will come, but be aloof to it. Be happy, don't make plans, and don't give yourself to it, unless it's the words you want to hear at that times, and ONLY YOU know what it is.

[liambilson]

FCTex - once again your words of wisdom are excellent and comforting - allbeit temporarily - I nearly cracked last night and started writing an e-mail but luckily I retreated - yes , wondering what is going on in their minds is enough to drive you bonkers, but in the end it is self-destructive.

Atthe same time I can feel myself getting worse at times instead of better - panicking that she will never call - mine hasn't 19 days - and the urge to just write a couple of lines is just immense.

Magamar - really sorry to hear about your setback - the mind plays cruel tricks on us. The line between love and resentment of a person is very thin - at times I really want to hurt my ex badly for what she has done and let her and her friends know a few home truths. But then that is not loving somebody. You are lucky that she even thinks about youat all and texts - at least that is something.

Another tortured night for me I'm afraid -I couldn't do this to somebody I loved. I would take them in their arms and comfort them and help them heal. This truly is living hell ! We'll all keep hanging in this together and eventually there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Let's just hope it isn't another great big train hurtling towards us !!

[liambilson]

I'm a bad and weak boy. I cracked. I couldn't take it any more. I sent my ex an e-mail today. 19 days of NC and I buckled. I've had a really bad night , went to lunch with two girls who are aquaintances - and I broke down. I just can't function around people any more. Everybody, even supermodels, look 100 times less attractive than my ex. I am consumed with thoughts of her and I just need contact of some sort.

All I said in the 'e' was hope she was getting on ok, that we have had 3 weeks of 'space' and wondered whether it was a good idea to start communicating again and that I didn't hate her. Does that sound ok? SuperDave wherever you are - forgive me !! Hand me the duct tape !!

We're all doomed ! I will see her at a party on wed - probably with a new guy - that is just finishing me off, maybe I just need final closure. Maybe I just need my stupid head to be banged against a brick wall . Sorry guys,

this is sheer torture and I am glad I did it. Will keep you posted ont he inevitable disaster that will surely follow.

[FCTex]

If you feel like the contact you made, answered or unanswered by your ex, wouldnt set you back, then don't feel back about it..

 

If what you said to her in the e-mail, was what you wanted to get off your shoulders, and if you deep down, believe that if she doesnt answer you, or contacts you, that you will still feel better, then by all means, don't torture yourself over it.

 

NC is for you, and you alone at times. Sure it helps put pressure on your ex to contact YOU, and it makes them miss you that much more, but it's ultimately for you. If you feel that by making contact, that your not digressing back into the state of mind at which you were during the break up, then there really is no harm, no foul. The only time it will affect you, is when you fabricate plans in your mind. You look forward to the reply. You get down when you dont get it, or when it's delayed. If you get upset because it's not what you wanted to hear if she replies, then again, it sets you back.

 

Think about that next time you make contact.. Will you be set back by a reply, or lack there of, when you make contact. Only then will you know if you should do it or not.

[liambilson]

NotMyself - thank you for your support. I just felt in such torture yesterday I had to send it - I needed contact in any form - no reply as yet which is what I expect - then what? - resentment builds, anger, hatred grows. I have told my ex the last time I saw her I would not takeher back short term as I know she needs time. Then the next day she is screaming for space. It's the total feelingof being abandoned, discarded and rejected by the one person that could give you any support which is hard to take. It's just inhuman. I don't even think I could take her back sometimes as I feel she has hurt me so much. That doesn't stop me missing her more than the world. I don't even need her to be with me in my life - I just want contact. She has destroyed the relationship and is now destroying the friendship. It is really making me angry.

[liambilson]

I do have good friends but I have unburdened myself on them so much it is making them weary and I feel guilty. That is what ultimately led to my weakness and mailing the ex.

Your words and FCTex's words are very comforting as usual and I just hope they are true. I wouldn't even mind if she replied by simply saying 'i need more time and space' - it is the silence that is emotionally deafening and crippling. What do I do now if she doesn't reply? I don't care how hurt she is - she isn't hurting as badly as me - and a simple few words from her would be so comforting. I'm not any worse off because I hadn't moved away from square one in the first place. This is getting crazier and crazier - the relationship has gone and I'm having to fight for even friendship at the moment. Anyway, thanks again and hope you guys and Cindy and everybody are managing to get through the days. I have moved on and am meeting other people but I just can't function when I am out and break down.

[liambilson]

She phoned me an hour ago - she says she has met a new bloke and owes me nothing - that is after spending two years helping her to recover from alcoholism - too upset to speak further - they can be very callous - I won't be contacting her again.

[FCTex]

Well.. Your contact, finally brought out an answer. The silence is gone..

 

I wish you the best in your moving on. Someone who can so simply discard someone, and be so cold, doesn't deserve someone like you, who wants to work and try so hard..

 

 

I'm struggling tonight with my own weakness, but one thing that keeps me from breaking.. Keeping me from contacting her, from crying, from just.. ending it all some nights is this..

 

There is someone out there, who is worth wasting time on me. There is someone out there who won't just up and leave me, and allow me to be upset and crying. There is someone out there who will love me, like they say they do, and show it, and will continue to show it, and finally. There is someone out there who is willing, and not lazy, and will WORK to make a relationship with me, and who wants the same things out of it.

 

 

Best of luck, and live strong.

[liambilson]

FCTex thank you for your kind words and sorry to hear you are down at the moment. You are so sensible and I don't think your girl has the passion to deserve you either. Just keep being strong as it is agony for you I know but try to move on at the same time.

For me breaking NC was a good idea for I finally have closure. It was best that I knew the truth rather than hanging on with false hopes for months. I really hope your girl sees the light with you and comes back.

Last night and today have been even worse than the last 48 now all hope has gone. I have never wept so much in my life. It is the callous, calculating way that she has deceived myself and my friends in the last few weeks whilst secretly harbouring somebody else which wounds the most. She tried to put all the trouble in our relationship on me when behind my back she was cheating.

Sometimes I wonder about why we try to get people like this back - could we ever love them the same anyway after treating us like this, but of course true love is blind so we must have hope.

It is time to move on, it won't be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but one day I will rise again. I gave more love to this girl than any in my entire life and I have been kicked in the teeth. As John Donne wrote

"My rags of heart can love, wish and adore,

but after one such love, can love no more"

The game is up for me although I am pretty devastated at the moment but I will log on to see how all you guys and girls are coming along. Live for yourself, and accept love when it comes graciously. I wish you all love and success and health and thank you for your kind support and advice.

Liam