High School Sweetheart 17yrs. later

[questionguy]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.

 

Here's my situation: A year and a half ago my high school sweetheart emailed me out of the blue. I'm trying to figure out where things are going, good or bad, I'm often confused by the situation. Here's background: We dated for 2-3 years in high school, lost our virginity together. I went off to college, met someone else, broke up with her. She got married, has been for 11 years. I've been married for 6. She has 2 kids 1 & 4, I have one on the way. We have not spoke since I broke up with her (1989?), I'm 35 she's 34. She moved out of the area, but has moved back.

 

Since she emailed me out of the blue we have exchanged emails anywhere from everyday to once a month. The first few weeks were a bit rocky, we were working out things like why I cheated on her, healing old stuff..etc. Next we talked about telling our spouses we were communicating, ultimately, we decided not to. The past year has been talking about kid stuff, since were both going through life with newborns, spouse stuff, and just day-in day-out stuff. It has been nice and we get along quite well and see eye to eye on most things. It's been a nice friendship actually. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to her, but I can't really see this turning into a affair. Also, her husband has made her a bit of a golf widow, and my wife is a workaholic. In the past months she has turned into a stay at home mom and I own my own business and work from home.

 

When we first started emailing each other we said "this is not anything, nothing more than two old friends catching up" We have not mentioned anything about our relationship since. At this point we have nicknames, and talk pretty frank about most things going on in our lives. She wants to send a gift when my baby arrives, under an alias. I really felt weird about it, but she insisted and I said ok.

 

My question for you all (I'd love to hear from females)- What is this? Why did she email me 15 years later out of nowhere? Where is this leading? It's so stupid, but I feel a bit out of control. Thoughts?

[RayKay]

What is this? Why did she email me 15 years later out of nowhere? Where is this leading? It's so stupid, but I feel a bit out of control. Thoughts?

 

To answer in order:

 

You may not believe this is an affair and in the true sense of the definition it isn't, but I think the very fact you are both consciousLY hiding it from your spouses, and even sneaking around it (ie anonymous gifts) shows that you are both being deceitful with your partners. Golf widows or workaholic widows, you both ought to work those issues out with your partners - carrying on emotional relationships and affairs with others is still not justifiable.

 

As to why she emailed you - curiosity, regret, boredom in her own life, need to feel validated again by someone (if her husband is not there for that as is). Who knows, but she did for whatever reason, and it developed from there.

 

It's leading to where you two permit it to lead. It's already led to a level of dishonesty and secrecy...it is not allowing you to 100% commit to your wife and your child now on the way.

 

You feel out of control - but you are not. You are just choosing to not take control of it. Betrayal, cheating...those are not things out of our control. A friendship is one thing, but one that you are hiding from your spouse is another, and it's ripe for developing further in my opinion. You are both adults, neither of you are victims, you chose your relationships, and you make a choice everyday whether you will fulfill that commitment and enhance/work on your relationship with your spouse or not.

 

Those are my thoughts, do with them as you wish Sorry if I come accross as harsh, I just think secrecy and dishonesty is a betrayal even if it is not getting physical...yet.

[kenneth05]

you sure are on rocky ground here.

if you have a good marriage, and you value it at all, you need to discontinue your email with your ex. do it quickly.

[questionguy]

Thanks for the replies. Don't worry about harsh - it's what needs to be said. I just can't talk to anyone I know about it. After typing it all out...yup, it needs to end. Thinking about the alternative - the four of us and our kids, sitting around the dinner table or something, no way. Thanks for the clarity.

[chai714]

My question for you all (I'd love to hear from females)- What is this? Why did she email me 15 years later out of nowhere? Where is this leading? It's so stupid, but I feel a bit out of control. Thoughts?

 

What is this? It's newness, it's something new in your life, it's old feelings resurfacing, it's good memories rushing back, and it's human nature - wanting what we can't have.

 

Why did she email you 15 years later? As generic as this sounds and as obvious as it sounds, she wanted to communicate with you. She had been thinking about you and probably thought about it a few days or even weeks before she did it. Finally though, she got the courage to do it.

 

Where is this leading? wherever you two take it.

[questionguy]

I've remembered all the good times, and there were good times - and there were bad times. I've been making a point to remember them both.

 

She never did give me a really good explaination why she emailed me. But she did say she sat with the email for a couple of days before she hit send. I've also tried to separate her good memories from the other good memories from that time period, 17-20 yrs. of age for me, a great time. I've thought she might be doing the same. When she first emailed me she was 5 months pregnant. Passing that time with my wife, I see how much of a bundle of hormones she is. I asked her if that's why she emailed me. She said no.

 

Strangely enough, I dated another woman for 7 years after this one. I ran into her at at college reunion. We talked for about a half-hour. It was good. I feel no need to email her. Also, I also don't feel like my high school girlfriend was the one I was ment to be with or anything. We just see eye to eye.

[BillyJean714]

She gave you a knickname? Either:

 

A. She still has feelings for you.

B. She's just really flirtatious.

 

Either way, it doesn't look too good, and I whole-heartedly agree with RayKay.

 

If you had not mentioned the fact that she gave you a knickname, I think it's safe to say that the other alternative could be that she sees you as a 'brother.' That's how I see one of my ex's, but I don't go around giving an ex a knickname. I find that rather interesting! Another thing, if she really saw you as a platonic friend and really wants to put the past where it belongs, then she wouldn't contact you as frequently. Not only that, she would at least mention it to her husband and/or suggest that she meets your wife just for the heck of it. But, I sense that this is not the case.

 

I get this feeling that she feels like her husband neglects her. So, as an alternative, the cyber-relationship she shares with you is her outlet. I don't think that she's trying to repatch things that happened in the past, because if this were the case, she should've already forgiven you and moved on by now- especially now that she's married. Anyway, her actions sound kinda scandelous to me. Don't mean to be blunt, but it does take two to tango. Even if you don't mean to send her the wrong messages, invadertantly, giving each other knicknames is feeding onto some kind of emotion that she thrives on.

[novaseeker]

The key thing to remember here is that the longer this kind of thing goes along the worse it gets. Any kind of relationship like that which either of you feels the need to conceal from your spouse/partner is, by definition, bad news. Even if nothing were to happen, the very act of concealing another relationship is itself a kind of betrayal, and if it were to be discovered (and it would be eventually, if it were to go on), would lead to a crisis of trust in your marriage. It can be very tempting at times when things are not at a great place in one's marriage, but you always have to ask yourself "what is it that I really want? What are the consequences of this?", rather than simply "winging it", because "winging it" when there is someone else involved (ie, the spouses) is really unfair.

[questionguy]

Some details that may clairify things: She is very social and left her job to be a full time mom a year ago. Although this all started before that. She is a bit of a flirt. My feelings have been she email's me because somethings missing in her life. Her husband working long hours combined with being at home with two kids. She met her husband with in a year of me breaking up with her just after high school. She didn't date anyone else. On the other hand I dated a lot until my late 20's until I met my wife. Thanks you all for comments and reflections.

 

Sitting here, I've had a bit of a realization - I think we find in each other what's missing from our spouses. The reason I asked for comments from women is bacause I really can't figure out what she's thinking. I get the feeling from her that she's keeping me at arm's length sometimes. Then at other times she's the opposite. We really don't talk about the past (since the first couple of weeks) - I think we talk and know more about each other than in high school.

 

Thank you everyone for helping me work through this.

[SilverManic]

My opinion is that you should just tell your wife that your ex girlfriend emailed you, you've been keeping in contact and that is all there is too it. I'm sure that your wife wouldn't be angry. After all your married to her and it's only email. It's not like your seeing eachother and it happened years ago. 15 years is a long time. I'm sure your wife will understand too.

~S.

[sandman47]

I know a woman who tracked down her high school sweetheart after 30 years. She asked the guy's mother about where he was and his contact information. And let me tell you this woman's intentions were clear as day. They had an affair to end them all. He was becoming obsessive about her, wanting to buy her a house near his so he could see her as often as he liked, taking her on trips, buying her jewels. And the strange thing was he had his wife's blessing.

 

So yeah, when a person does this the odds are pretty good what the intentions are. But unless someone harbored some secret love for me back then that's one thing I don't have to worry about. No high school love here. Or college for that matter.

[novaseeker]

My opinion is that you should just tell your wife that your ex girlfriend emailed you, you've been keeping in contact and that is all there is too it. I'm sure that your wife wouldn't be angry. After all your married to her and it's only email. It's not like your seeing eachother and it happened years ago. 15 years is a long time. I'm sure your wife will understand too.

~S.

 

I ... don't think so. The notion of contact with an old flame is almost always threatening to a relationship, whether the person admits that it is so or not. it's almost never "hey, that's great, honey ... I'm glad your ex-girlfriend is getting close to you again!".

 

I get where the OP is coming from in terms of each of you seeking out in each other what you may fund lacking in your own marriages, but the real way to do that is for each of you to address these lackings within the context of your own marriages. It rarely helps to do so outside of the marriage, and it's even more perilous with an old flame .. because you never know when those flames of attraction will flare up again (if they are ever really put out completely to begin with), and it can be so very tempting in the face of real difficulties in the context of your own existing committed relationships.

 

I hate to say it, but this is exactly how an affair starts, to be honest. One or other partner is less than completely satisfied and starts looking for intimacy .. often only emotional intimacy .. outisde of the marriage, and that starts one down the path. It can seem easier to seek this outside of a marital relationship for a number of reasons, ranging from the unwillingness to confront the spouse to try to fix the issue or the belief that the spouse is unresponsive and unwilling to work on things to the reality that the "affair" is always easier than the marriage because it doesn't have the same stresses and strains of reality on it that the marriage does, so it's very, very tempting as an "easier" relationship when compared to the "pain in the neck" marriage ... and I understand that, but really you have to consider what you really want before you proceed down that path, you really do.

[questionguy]

Thanks - you are absolutely right. This is how these things start out. It been 1.5 years.. There's been no sex talk, little to no complaining about spouses.

 

I'd love to tell my wife I've been emailing.. Several years ago we went to a college reunion. My ex-girlfriend of 7 years was there. We knew she would be there, talked about it before hand, and she was fine with the whole thing. Later that night I ran into my ex. Our relationship ended nicely. No regrets, no hearts broken. We spoke for 20 minuets. When we left the reunion she was furious for weeks. Lowest point EVER in our marriage. I conducted the whole conversation like my wife was right next to me. Nothing inappropriate what so ever. I still get it held over me. I refuse to agree I did anything wrong. So much for that idea....

[shattered4good]

on this forum a while back I posted something called "a cautionary tale" If you search for it it tells the story of what happened when my college sweetheart looked me up.

 

Read it and then think about the pros & cons.

 

FYI - my high school ex also looked me up. I tried to get some healing & closure on the really horrifying things he did to me. He ended up telling a lot of people in our hometown (this is 15 years later) that I was obsessed & stalking him. He even told my parents (who have since passed away). I was just floored.

 

Sorry but I would steer very clear of the whole thing.

 

Shattered

[questionguy]

WHOA!!! That is really freaky, sorry, I'm kind of in shock.. I just read your link. I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

 

It's been about a year and a half we've been talking. Actually, I've never worried about her (I mean that in a good way, she's always looks out for herself) - I've worried more about myself and if it's affecting me and my marriage. She seems to have no problem letting me know if she thinks somethings inaproprate. I've actually hinted at feelings of being more than friends to gage her reaction (not nice I know). Strangely enough she keeps things pretty clean...with letting me know she cares..how much, I have no idea. Maybe that's what makes me wonder what's going on. Is it actually that we're just friends now? We talk about things going on in our lives maybe because we know the info isn't going anywhere?

 

My whole reason for starting this thread was because I'm just trying to figure out what she's thinking...maybe how she really feels towards me. I guess I keep thinking there's some hidden motive. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it and we're really just friends.

[shattered4good]

questionguy - I have to laugh with you - people think WOMEN overanalyze everything. As someone almost 50 years old there are times women JUST want to be friends. period.

 

I have a friend - we dated briefly but it just wasn't working out. He married, I married and we stayed friends. It took a LONG while for his wife to warm up to me but he was my friend and it was important. I was nice to her & myself and finally one day she had a revelation that I wasn't trying to steal him back or have an affair. Now, about 12 years later - she & I are better friends than HE & I are. LOL.

 

Have you thought about inviting her & her husband out with you & your wife? Or is your wife really insecure about it? That might put it all out on the table. I have a couple married male friends and that's all it is. Friends. (I tried to turn that guy Jeff into a friend but he wouldn't introduce me to his wife or anything - which turned me off big time. No matter how I tried to be his friend he saw women as an object - his loss; aside from him being a psychopath)

 

Maybe that's all it is. Some men tend to think in terms of sex and/or romance when it comes to the opposite sex. Maybe its time for you to reframe the relationship. See if the wife is ok with going out to dinner with her & her partner. Really. Couples can always use friends their age. And keep it JUST FRIENDS.

 

8)

[Deni]

I am a 52 year old female that has been in contact with her high school sweetheart for about 5 months now via email. I have not seen him in 35 years.....Situation/story are different and we both still love each other and have thought of each other all these years. We are both married and have families that we do not want to hurt or distroy.....so we are trying to figure this all out one day at a time. We have the advantage that we live very far apart so that emotions cannot take over...

 

Is it a fantasy that we have built up in our heads over the years or is it the real thing.......time will tell. But everything has to be open and honest from the feelings to the fears...

 

First Love......does things to your mind....you never forget that one...always thought that was a woman thing but have found that some men feel that way too.

 

She may just need your friendship as it seems her world is changing ...... but her feelings are going back and forth it seems.

 

Let your feelings be known as to where you stand on the relationship/friendship, do not send mixed signals and be honest and straight forward. Believe me men and women do not think alike and when you say something it can always be taken ten different ways.....and will be

 

We have been very honest in our feelings and it is an emotional roller coaster if there is unfinished business between you. Seems that time doe not heal all wounds nor does it stop the feelings that you once had and thought you lost or just tucked away in a safe place all this time. They may be one sided so just ask what her intentions are, if they are just that of a friend then your spouses should know about your renewed friendship.

 

Wish you the best .... but for me, old wounds have been healed but it has also opened some new ones ............ be careful ..... be honest

[pacman]

To answer in order:

 

You may not believe this is an affair and in the true sense of the definition it isn't, but I think the very fact you are both consciousLY hiding it from your spouses, and even sneaking around it (ie anonymous gifts) shows that you are both being deceitful with your partners. Golf widows or workaholic widows, you both ought to work those issues out with your partners - carrying on emotional relationships and affairs with others is still not justifiable.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree, it is a sort of emotional affair. You two are going to each other for talk and support that you would previously have gone to your spouses before. From what you have said, talking about how well you two relate it seems that you two have more in common that you do with your actual spouses and are using it as an emotional and social outlet.

 

 

Now its not as bad as physically cheating on your spouse, atleast in my opinion, but you should ask yourself what it is you seek out of this new secret friendship and why you feel the need to communicate with her again after 15 years when you have your own life, spouse and kids on the way ect.