stark future for the single male posters in this forum?

[Caldus]

Usually, it boils down to needing to become more confident in yourself in general. If you've been searching for a long time and still haven't gotten your woman, then it is probably a confidence issue of some sort.

 

Oh god my statement was so vague ... lol ... so how does one increase it? I propose it's simply time and experience. Talking to more girls (and anyone in general), expanding your social network, learning how to read people, an assertive mindset to go along with it...

 

I don't know what else to say. So good luck to all of you. But most of all, just have some fun and be happy for goodness sakes! It's OK to be happy once in a while too (to those who seem like they are depressed about this a lot).

[jevonj77]

This is to corvidae...

 

Did you read about the part where I said

Once you have decided what she is and is like. You must then begin to brainstorm on what kind of things this woman would like. Now do not look at this from your perspective but from hers.

 

 

I don't know if you read this part or not. However, just because you are attracted to a girl does not mean that she is going to be attracted to you. I know that you already know this. So what does this show? It shows that you are saying Me being attracted to a girl = her being attracted to me. Well you already know that this formula does not work. So thereforeeee you must find more pecies to this equation. One of them is definetly that you have to be attracted to her. But I am sure you have seen girls that were attracted to guys that were not attracted to them. Correct? Why...there is more to it than just being a nice guy.

 

Ok...I like a certian kind of girl...she is stylish, but at the same time she is not a high maintinece kind of girl and she has good principles and morals.

 

Well, I am not going to come up to her and act like her brother. Well yes, she might love me, but she would never consider me as her MAN. The guy that she could flaunt around and tell her girlfriends that she is dating and have them say like...wow or at least, I think he is cute.

 

You are going to have to give me more details as to what kind of girl it is that you are after...this way, I could give you some suggestions as to which direction to approach one of them.

 

Once you start doing this, I do not advise to think that you can get a girl or that they will be into you. You must work before you can actually benefit from the results. So for now, don't worry about your current predicament and just focus on the solution.

 

The other thing that I mentioned in my response to you is that once you have determined these things and such and have found one of the girls...you must ask them to like a studying session. That would work for you I think. The thing is...many girls will not ask the guy out period. Even if she thinks that he is nice.

 

Also, you must analyze what problems you think that you have that are stopping you from getting a girl that you like. You have to be honest about this...and only focus on the kind...which may be a wide variety...of girl that you would like.

 

tell me what you think...

[dlplight99999]

A lot of people here have been implying that confidence is key to having someone. I don't know by how much that'll drastically improve my situation.

 

For instance, suppose that you're attracted to someone and approach her with conversations and confidence on a day-to-day basis. I agree that she'll have more likeability and trust within you as time goes on, but I doubt this will make her "attracted" to you reciprocally. There would be many other people that she'll like and trust but extremely few that she'll feel genuinely "attracted" to. If the other person never even had a glimpse of interest ( this is a bit vague but I do not mean a full blown crush ) in you in the first place, it is difficult to advance a relationship beyond a mere friendship.

 

And yes, I feel that appearance for men is critical. Blame it on pop culture and blame it on the fact that the average man today relatively looks better than the average male of the past. There are many guys who get women to turn their heads and make eye contact. Although attraction chemistry is never well quantified, there is rarely a guy with either a lack of decent appearance or "personality" that has a girlfriend. By decent "personality", I don't necessarily mean being someone that is 'nice', pays bills on time, and is honest. Frankly, I don't know what this "personality" is either but it's something that makes guys appear hot. And intelligence doesn't count for the most part.

 

On top of that, almost every women I meet are already seeing someone or are in a long-term relationship. Your chances are negatively correlated with increasing age. I don't have to exaggerate this with more numbers and I really don't want to because it makes me want to vomit. Many of you are tired of hearing this but I just want to make a point for those that keep saying otherwise. The implications that meeting a woman isn't that difficult are represented only in this forum, a subset of less than a minuscule portion of the population. This forum's views do not represent the majority of people and don't seem to have any common sense and realistic perspectives.

 

Again, I'm not saying that some things are never possible. I regret to say this but most of what are suggested here are impractical and don't make a lot of sense.

[jevonj77]

To: dlplight99999

 

First I want to say...what we suggested are things that we know work...

 

I am not speaking from a lack of experience here...

Secondly, you have a very negative attitude and frankly I already have a girlfriend...so if you want to keep on thinking like you are well then damn it, you can just go on doing so.

 

Instead of doing what we said, you just keep on saying that it won't work and such. Well great, you don't believe in yourself and you don't believe in anyone else, and you don't believe in our advice, so good luck. You don't have to listen to our advice...because we're good you know...we are going to be ok either way.

 

It is simple...and that's how you need to think. The qualities that you are presenting are not important to the women you are interested in...you get it? They are important later on, but are not what makes one date you. Did not you focus on those qualities at one point that you now think are soo important? Well, geeze...you don't have looks in your book...that means you can't rely upon that...but more over, you can't be thinking that crap either...you must rely on clothes, style, personality and spunk...these things can be learned. Change the focus...you are presenting a product to the a consumer market...this product is you and the market are the women. Ok...you have aparently already decided what kind of women you want and you are trying to sell them you as the product. Well, if you were a CEO of a company and you were selling a product that did not work on several fronts...what would you do? Of course you can't just scrap yourself and get another one, so you have to work with what you got.

 

Why do you keep going after the same kind of woman? Huh? Why is that? Have you changed anything about the way you dress, are and or talk? Have you changed any of your hobbies to get more of another feel and personality? You just keep on doing the same thing...well it is not working!! You mentioned your teachers hitting on some of the girls...meaning that even they do not have girlfriends. Well this is common in a field where the majority of their time is spent thinking about science and medicine instead of new ways to get women. So they are not your so called experts in this field.

 

You have a defeatist attitude...and I can't help that...and as I said...I have a girlfriend and have had more than one...so...you decide and you seem to have already...

 

I have some qoutes for you..."No problem can be solved in the same consciousness that created it. We must learn to see the world anew." Albert Einstein...

 

Another one..."The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." John F. Kennedy

 

Another one..."Always remember that your own resolution to suceed is more important than any one thing." Abraham Lincoln

 

Another one..." There are no secrets to sucess. It is a matter of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure." Gen. Collin Powell

 

And a last one..." Sucess is only a matter of luck. Ask anyone who fails."

[1899]

 

I grew up in a strict Christian household so dating was not allowed until college...wow did that set me back...I started dating for real when I was 22...not to include when I was in elementary school...

 

 

If you fail, it is because you fail to do your homework and because you lack passion...

 

I certainly cannot agree more. Im one of those who was not allowed to date before college. And I think thats what put me behind socially, but I think at this point all I can do is work on my personality and be more open and laid back around attractive women, let them see my fun side. Not take myself or my position in life so seriously.

My assignment is to start joking with women or "teasing" them in order to make them feel like I dont put them on a pedistal, get rid of that OMG im gonna mess up feeling. If anything its a way to break the ice and open them up to conversation.

[Shajenko]

There are various things you can do to improve your luck with women, at least short term. If you read Neil Strauss's recent book "The Game", you'll see that there is a sort of underground community that has dedicated itself into figuring out those "buttons", for lack of a better term, that you have to activate in women to make them attracted. They've got it down to a science, or rather several different sciences, as there are many different methods.

 

Anyway, you can look into it at the website link removed. It's highly disorganized, but there's a lot of information there.

[Dating Coach]

Girls are attracted to guys who have confidence. Guys with confidence ask a girl they like out, and guys without confidence hint to the girl that they like her. The confident guys (or even guys that act like they have confidence) will be the ones getting more success because they can act rather than hint.

[1899]

Man, I went there, that stuff is pretty good, These guys are serious. They use acronynms, and they even have a "troubleshooting" section when you get in a bind. Time to do some reading, I may actually get some structure in my dating life. Its kinda like learning HTML. There are rules.

[Shajenko]

Careful, some people get a bit obsessed and then things turn bad.

[Juha]

I don't know about confidence being the main factor in getting girls...

 

I have been totally confident and asking girls out left and right with nothing...

They like me and like hhanging out with me but have no interest at all in being with me...

 

I make them feel comfortable and when I ask if they would like to get together I get excuses almost all the time but then they will call me to talk...

 

This is not me becoming there friend I ask them out quickly...I don't know what is wrong here...But I don't think confidence is what attracts women...They go by looks first in my opinion...

[Dating Coach]

I don't know about confidence being the main factor in getting girls...

 

I have been totally confident and asking girls out left and right with nothing...

They like me and like hhanging out with me but have no interest at all in being with me...

 

I make them feel comfortable and when I ask if they would like to get together I get excuses almost all the time but then they will call me to talk...

 

This is not me becoming there friend I ask them out quickly...I don't know what is wrong here...But I don't think confidence is what attracts women...They go by looks first in my opinion...

 

No one is going to walk up to any girl they want to confidently and get them. You have to understand this. A guy I know gets more girls than any other guy I know by far. But this same guy also gets rejected by more girls than any guy I know. What is he doing right? He has the confidence to walk up and talk to girls that catch his fancy. That's his big secret. He doesn't hold back and he could be in the middle of a conversation with his buddies, look up and see a girl, and he would leave mid-sentence to go talk to her. If he got rejected he would come right back, finish his sentence and act like nothing happened. The guy honestly never even thought about that girl again.

 

This guy can't get every girl he wants, but he is going to get every girl that wants him. Why? Because he has so much confidence that he can approach whoever, whenever.

[annie24]

Having read through this thread, I found a lot of numbers like 90% of all women are taken, and 30% of guys have blah blah blah..... Or, sometimes, in real life, I'll hear women say, "I don't want to go to that place - none of the men there are my type."

 

Well people - You're not looking for large groups of people who are your type! Just ONE!

 

Don't lose sight of this. It will help you when the going gets rough in the dating world. Fine, who cares if there are only 17 single women in your entire medical school program. If there is just 1 that you really connect with, isn't that what you're looking for?

 

If you maintain confidence and a positive attitude and a wide social circle, eventually you will meet someone that you connect with.

[ShySoul]

Perception is reality.

 

If you believe you will never have anyone, you never will. You will project that and that is what others will believe. If you believe in your heart and soul that you are always going to be alone, you will always be alone.

 

Remember, its not about getting dates or relationships. It is about having the right experience with the right person. So what if you go through your 20's and don't have a relationship. So what if you go through your 30's and don't have a relationship. You can feel sad and depressed about it, or you can enjoy the many other wonders in life. And then when you hit 40 and do meet the love of your life, are you going to be thinking about all the years when you didn't have someone? Or are you going to be savoring the sweetness of the love you were always destined to have? All those lonely nights were just stars pointing you on your way to the right person.

 

It's not confidence that lets us end up with someone special. It is being compatible with that person. And it is having faith that one day cupid will bless us and we will experience all we have ever dreamed of. All the waiting is a blessing, not a curse. For we will know to savor and enjoy it more then most, as we have waited so long for the stirrings of true love.

[annie24]

Perception is reality.

 

Yes. thereforeeee, instead of chanting, "There are no available women in my medical class" or "All the women my age are taken", start saying, "There are tons of women out there that would love a man like me!" and "My right and perfect partner is out there!"

 

It's not just confidence in yourself that you need. It's confidence in the abundance of the universe. Like grandma used to say, "There's a lid for every pot." You have to be confident that there is a person - or even many people out there that are right for you. It's just a matter of finding them now.

[ShySoul]

It's confidence in the abundance of the universe. Like grandma used to say, "There's a lid for every pot." You have to be confident that there is a person - or even many people out there that are right for you. It's just a matter of finding them now.

 

Wait a sec... a lid for every pot? Then how come I always seem to lose the lids?

 

Yes, there is a person out there. And when the stars align in the right configuration, when the moment is right, it will appear to you as if from a dream. It will blow you away. The doubters will be believers. And then we will understand just what love is and that what we thought was impossible, was possible all along.

[Dating Coach]

The more you put yourself out there to meet people then the more you increase your chances of finding a special someone.

 

If you meet 2 people in 5 years that are potential dates do you think that you are more likely to find your special compatable partner then if you met 50 people in 5 years? It is a numbers game, plus, the more you meet different personalities the more you will define in greater detail what it is you are looking for. It all adjusts with the more you learn.

[ShySoul]

If you meet 2 people in 5 years that are potential dates do you think that you are more likely to find your special compatable partner then if you met 50 people in 5 years?

 

What if are just naturally not attracted to many people and consider them as potential dates? What if you find the people you are around to be suitable friends, but not someone you would be interested in going out with? In that case, meeting a whole bunch of people isn't going to do then any good in the romance department.

 

I have only ever been attracted to a handful of girls to the extent that I would go out with them. It has nothing to do with being shy, picky, or anything else. It's simple that few people affect me to the point where I would consider them a potential date. There was just one girl in my entire college career, and in those 4 years I met plenty of girls. And I know others who are the same way. So meeting a lot of people does not mean you have a better chance of finding that special someone. For all we know that one person you do meet will be the one.

 

the more you meet different personalities the more you will define in greater detail what it is you are looking for. It all adjusts with the more you learn.

 

What if you have always known what you want? I've known from the age of 5, and it hasn't changed one bit. Because what I want, and what I think we all really want, isn't something that needs to go into great detail. We want love, support, and understanding. And when we get that, we just know. You don't have to date lots of people to know that.

 

It is a numbers game

 

But how do you choose to look at the numbers?

 

Ok, so a person meets 50 people that are potential dates. Say 1 does lead to forever. Do you focus on the 50 people and dates? Or do you go to the great equalizer, percentages. In comparison to the number of people you met, you had a success ratio of 2%.

 

Now, the person who meets 2 potential dates, he will more more sure of it because he has to feel really strongly before he agrees to have a date. What if one of those dates leads to forever because the connection was that strong? In that case, success ratio is 50%. Isn't he better off statistically?

 

The numbers don't lie...

[annie24]

If you are entering a prize drawing, you have a better chance of winning if your name is written on 50 slips, as opposed to 2 slips.

 

It's very very difficult to "like" a person before you start dating them, or at least, start spending lots of time with them. It's best not to get fixated on any one person until things have become more serious after some time spent dating. Get to know a person, then get serious, not the other way around.

 

No one said to "focus" on all 50 people, rather, be open to the possibility that they may be right for you, if you take a bit of time to get to know them. Better than waiting around, getting to know 2 girls for 1 year, only to find out that they are unavailable for a relationship with you.

[annie24]

My other comment is for all the lame turkeys I've dated, (and it's been A LOT!!!), they have all taught me more about myself and relationships. I am on an online dating site, and I recently went back and looked at my list of "must haves and can'ts stands" that I had to write for my profile 6 months ago.

 

I've seen that I've grown and changed. Through my dating experiences, I've learned that some things I've thought were important to me, really aren't, and some things I thought I couldn't stand, I actually can. Dating many people can help you get a better idea of what you are looking and not looking for.

 

I think when the right man comes into my life, I'll be able to have a wonderful relationship with him, because I have learned so much from the past men I've dated.

[ShySoul]

If you are entering a prize drawing, you have a better chance of winning if your name is written on 50 slips, as opposed to 2 slips.

 

I entered a drawing once with just one ticket. Other people bought a dozen. I won. All it takes is one.

 

It's very very difficult to "like" a person before you start dating them, or at least, start spending lots of time with them. It's best not to get fixated on any one person until things have become more serious after some time spent dating. Get to know a person, then get serious, not the other way around.

 

No need to date, thats what being friends are for. You get to know the person, you know there is something there. Thus when you start dating and form the relationship, you are more likely to work out. Why go through a bunch of dates to figure out if the person is right for you, when you can be friends and feelings can grow to the point where you already know they are right for you. Thus all you really need to date is the one person.

 

No one said to "focus" on all 50 people, rather, be open to the possibility that they may be right for you, if you take a bit of time to get to know them. Better than waiting around, getting to know 2 girls for 1 year, only to find out that they are unavailable for a relationship with you.

 

Again, accomplished by friendship. I can tell just from being friends with someone for a short time they aren't the one for me. Why keep open the possibility when I can immediately tell from something in their personality that they are not right for me?

 

Through my dating experiences, I've learned that some things I've thought were important to me, really aren't, and some things I thought I couldn't stand, I actually can. Dating many people can help you get a better idea of what you are looking and not looking for.

 

Maybe for you. But when you honestly look at the core things you want in a person, has those changed? What I want in a person:

 

someone who understands me, cares about me, loves and respects me; someone trustworthy and honest; compassionate with a good heart; good morals and values that do not conflict with what I know in my heart and soul to be right; modest; someone with whom I simple connect with

 

Things I don't want: pretty much the opposite of what I listed above; rude and mean; lies; arrogance; partier, drinker, smoker; etc.

 

Anything else I really don't care about. All I need to look at is two things. One, is this person a good person. Two, can I see myself spending the rest of my life with them. Why would I need to date lots of people to know what I want, if I have always know it?

[annie24]

I wouldn't agree with the "friends thing." I was friends with one guy for 4 years. I really liked him, we had a lot of mutual respect, and we got along very very well. We even worked together for 2 years. He even called me his "best friend." We had all those things in common: We always talked, shared, hugged, we were there for each other, we really connected. He always told me how much he respected me, and liked what I was about. There was a lot of mutual respect and admiration between us. We would stay up all night together doing our homework and studying.

 

After 4 years of being friends, and when him and his gf of 2 years broke up, 6 months later, he started making "moves" on me, and told me he was interested in me.

 

We dated briefly, and it was a total disaster! The nice sweet guy I knew as a friend acted like a total jerk towards me once we started dating!!!!!! 4 years best friends, and all of a sudden, he did a 180!!!! On top of it, we had NO romantic chemistry. His kisses didn't turn me on, I don't think my kisses turned him on either, these things are incredibly important if you are to have a romantic relationship with someone. If I'm going to be married to someone for the rest of my life, I'd better damn well enjoy kissing him!

 

Anyways, we no longer speak, and are no longer friends. 4 years of a great friendship, down the drain.

 

Basically, being friends with someone, and being with them romantically are two different things. I have male friends I love, respect, and are wonderful people, but no way would I ever want them to be my boyfriend!!!!!

 

I really have learned a lot about myself for dating. When I say, "understanding what you want in a relationship problem), I'm not talking about eliminating people with obvious bad behavior (abusers, aloholics, etc.)

 

I'm talking about the harder to define qualities. For example, I said before in my profile that I can't stand cynical and sarcastic men. But, when I really thought about it, over 6 months, I see that I actually kind of like that humor in a man, even though it isn't my style. The men I've liked the best have always had a dark and sarcastic streak.

 

Shy, I think when you start dating, you'll find that qualities that didn't matter to you before suddenly do matter, and things that bothered you before, don't anymore. It's a learning process.

[Dating Coach]

Alright, I sat here and proofread this thing twice, and I don't see any flaming here. If a mod happens to disagree then at least copy this and send it to me with what I should fix. This took me an hour to write and I don't want to have to start from scratch if I happened to miss something that might be contrued as "flaming". Thanks.

 

What if (you) are just naturally not attracted to many people and consider them as potential dates?

 

To answer your question... This changes nothing. If you aren't interested in dating a person then you don't. This does not have anything to do with meeting people. It does not change the fact that the more people you meet, the more you increase your chances of finding people that meet your standards.

 

What if you find the people you are around to be suitable friends, but not someone you would be interested in going out with? In that case, meeting a whole bunch of people isn't going to do then any good in the romance department.

 

If you are only meeting people that are suitable for friendship then that's what they are. How do you know that out of the next 10 people you meet that none of them will qualify either? It doesn't sound too fair to write them off before you meet them. The more people you meet then the more likely you will find someone who meets your standards.

 

I have only ever been attracted to a handful of girls to the extent that I would go out with them. It has nothing to do with being shy, picky, or anything else. It's simple that few people affect me to the point where I would consider them a potential date. There was just one girl in my entire college career, and in those 4 years I met plenty of girls. And I know others who are the same way. So meeting a lot of people does not mean you have a better chance of finding that special someone. For all we know that one person you do meet will be the one.

 

For all you know that one lottery ticket you bought was the winning ticket. But you know what? I think I would be more assured that I have a good chance of winning if I had a million tickets, wouldn't you? If you meet 10 girls in your life are you as likely to find someone that fits your desires than someone who meets 1000? If you have standards, then the person who meets 1000 is going to be more likely to find that person. Can it happen in 10? Yes, but I can also win a 300 million Powerball off of one ticket but I am not silly enough to think that my chances are as good or better then if I bought 1000.

 

Then there is the whole situation about getting experience, learning more about what it is that you want, that you can handle. If you only meet and date one person in your life, then you cannot know what else is out there.

My girlfriend had one serious boyfriend and about 20 dates. After several dates that she didn't like she met her first boyfriend. She said she thought she was in love, thought he was the one for her. They were together an entire year before she had sex with him. They were together another 6 months after that.

She tells me now that she can't believe she thought she was in love with him and that she had no idea how great a relationship could be. Not that we are together she realizes that what she had and what she thought is simply nothing next to what we have.

 

What if you have always known what you want? I've known from the age of 5, and it hasn't changed one bit.

 

IMO there is no way you knew everything you've wanted since you were five years old. You may have known for quite some times generally what you were looking for, but there is no way you or anyone got down into specifics and truly understood what it was that you wanted.

 

No one who is five years old knows how much they will be able to tolerate of a partner who doesn't care about their credit. There is no way a person who is five knows how much they will tolerate of someone who is careless with their money. No one who is five knows how much they will tolerate of a person who will cancel dates and be unreliable. There is no way a person who is five years old has an idea of how they tolerate stubborness, or what levels of stubborness. There is no way someone who is five knows how they will deal with a partner who wants the opposite of what they want with children. There is no way a five year old knows how much they will tolerate someone who isn't on the same level sexually at them.

 

Should I go on? No one knows these things at five, at ten, at 15, and no one knows these things when they have never even been in a romantic relationship. These are things you learn through experience, through trial and error. These are things you learn when you get older, wiser, etc.

 

Ok, so a person meets 50 people that are potential dates. Say 1 does lead to forever. Do you focus on the 50 people and dates?

 

No one said anything about focusing on 50 other people when you find the one who meets your standards. Out of 50 people, you are more likely to find that person then out of 2.

 

he has to feel really strongly before he agrees to have a date.

 

Why? Why does this person have to feel strongly before going out on a date? Why does this person have to feel strongly before letting this other person know that they are interested in more than friendship?

 

A date isn't a relationship, it's not sex, it's not a life together, it's two people who have met that are interested in learning more about the person. It's two people who are clear from the beginning what it is that they are looking for. Why is this wrong?

 

Jon meets Sally at Happy Hour. Jon thinks Sally is attractive, he likes how she smiles all of the time, he likes how she is open and friendly, and she seemed interested in what he had to say when he spoke with her. By the end of the night Jon decides that he would be interested in getting to know her better.

 

Jon:

 

A) Says, "Sally, it was nice to meet you tonight, I had a blast. How about we do this again soon? Give me your number and I will call you and set up a time that we can go out together!"

Then, they can go out, gauge each others interest, and get to know each other on even honest footing from the very beginning.

 

B) Thinks, "Well she seems cool, so maybe I will have Steve at work call her out to a get together where I can become buddies with her and get to know her better before I let her know I am interested."

 

Since it takes months to really get to know someone, and since you have to be close to them to do it, there is no way to do this without letting her know you might be interested then to be best of pals with her over a long period of time.

If you never let her know that you are interested, then what you are creating is a situation where she doesn't know that you are intested. You are giving off, "I just want to be friends" vibes, and you are doing this over a long period of time. You are treated as a friend. During this time this girl will likely be meeting other guys who are interested in her, but let her know upfront where they stand. She will be viewing them from the start as potential dates and rating them as such. During this time she might find a guy that fits her mold and then you are stuck there watching helplessly.

Not only this, but you are also taking months of time to get to know someone who might not be or may never have been interested in you to begin with. Where did all of those months go? You spend all of that time focusing on the one person you wanted to get to know better and they were never interested from the start.

 

I could post a link again to that thread I started about the other guys who did just this very thing. I could show you where it lead. I could tell you of my own experiences with it, I could have PocoDiablo tell you about his. I could have many of the girls on here post about how they prefer a guy who is honest from the beginning.

 

Situation A, Jon is going to find out whether or not Sally is interested or even willing to consider him. He will still be able to get to know her as a person without being in a committed relationship, he will still be able to be free to do whatever else, but he also will get his answer and he will be starting off with an honest foot forward.

 

Situation B could lead to being stuck in the friendzone because that's all you ever let her in on. You played the friend role on purpose and no one can be blamed for you ending up there. This situation is very very common if you take this route. This situation could also lead to you wasting months of time focusing on getting to know a single person without knowing that she was never romantically interested to begin with. You are setting yourself up to shortchange yourself. You are setting yourself up for major pain. Jon in Situation A getting rejected isn't going to hurt like Jon in Situation B getting rejected when he finally decides it's time to ask her out.

 

I entered a drawing once with just one ticket. Other people bought a dozen. I won. All it takes is one.

 

No one said you cannot win with one ticket, it's just not good odds. If you were playing a lottery with 1000 tickets, and 50 people offered you their ticket for free, you wouldn't be very wise to tell them, "I got one ticket. All it takes is one. No thanks."

 

No need to date, thats what being friends are for. You get to know the person, you know there is something there. Thus when you start dating and form the relationship, you are more likely to work out.

 

Annie just disputed this with her story. The more people you meet, the better chance you have in finding the person you are most compatable with. That is a fact, and I don't see how there is any logical way you can dispute that. It's simply not a good route to intentionally take.

 

Why go through a bunch of dates to figure out if the person is right for you, when you can be friends and feelings can grow to the point where you already know they are right for you. Thus all you really need to date is the one person.

 

I disputed that above. I can also post a link again to that thread I began. The chances of this working are far more slim than the alternative we have provided on here, and not only that but you are setting yourself up for months and years of wasted time. Again, I can provide a link to that thread for evidence of men who have failed at this and cost themselves years of time, and it hurt that much more because they had fallen so hard. That all could have been avoided.

 

 

I can tell just from being friends with someone for a short time they aren't the one for me. Why keep open the possibility when I can immediately tell from something in their personality that they are not right for me?

 

In dating if a person is not right for you then you stop dating them. That way you both know that this relationship is not going any further and that you both can stop wasting each others time. This you cannot do if you befriend a woman you are interested in and don't tell her until you've spent months or years getting to know her. This is your life and your time. You shouldn't be throwing it needlessly out the window.

 

Maybe for you. But when you honestly look at the core things you want in a person, has those changed? What I want in a person:

 

someone who understands me, cares about me, loves and respects me; someone trustworthy and honest; compassionate with a good heart; good morals and values that do not conflict with what I know in my heart and soul to be right; modest; someone with whom I simple connect with

 

Things I don't want: pretty much the opposite of what I listed above; rude and mean; lies; arrogance; partier, drinker, smoker; etc.

 

Anything else I really don't care about. All I need to look at is two things. One, is this person a good person. Two, can I see myself spending the rest of my life with them. Why would I need to date lots of people to know what I want, if I have always know it?

 

This is far too black and white and far too general IMO.

 

Lying is something you listed that you don't want. What if your significant other lies to you about liking your new outfit? Is that a deal breaker? What if your significant other lies to you about liking your friends? Is that a deal breaker? What if she lies to you about where she was? Is that a deal breaker? What about if she lies to you about hanging out with a guy friend who is just a friend? Is that a deal breaker? What if he actually liked her as more than a friend, would that be a deal breaker? What if she only did small lies but did them all of the time? What if she rarely ever lied but when she did it was a big lie?

 

What if she lied about having only 2 sex partners and you find out it was 3? Is that a deal breaker? What if it was actually 4 and she originally said 2? What if it was 10? 20? 100? When is it a deal breaker?

 

What if she is honest but too honest? What if she tells you honestly that she hates your shirt? What if she tells you honestly that she hates the way you dress? What if she tells you that you are getting fat? What if she tells your mother that she doesn't like her to her face? What if she tells your friends that they aren't good people?

 

What if she is sure of herself and confident, but too confident? Where do you draw the line? What if she is religious and talks negatively about non-religious people behind their backs to you? What if she does it to their face? What if she starts flipping out at people anytime she sees a Pro Choice sticker on their car and you constantly have to calm her down? What if she always thinks she is right? What if she never listens? Where do you draw the line?

 

Should I go on?

 

This is why you need experience in dating. You can say where you draw the line, but what if she barely crosses it but everything else is perfect? Just because she slightly broke a rule is she gone? What if she doesn't actually break the rules but is constantly pushing the boundries every single day? How much can you take? You don't just "know" these things without ever being there. You learn your tolerances and you learn to bend a rule here or there and you learn also to tighten the rule depending on the person. It's compromise, and you won't always be able to compromise in the middle. How much can you take, when is enough enough? When is it time for forgiveness?

 

This is far deeper than your list IMO, and it is far deeper then the mind of a five year old can go. A person can believe what they want to believe but I think people are going to be pretty much all in line with what I had to say here.

[Dating Coach]

This is a wonderful post and I agree with it 100%!

[RayKay]

I agree 100% with everything Diggity just posted, and combined with Annie's experiences since I have had the same too.

 

Could not have said it any better

 

Sure, I have always known that I wanted someone whom treated me well, and cared about me, and me in return, and whom we shared the same goals with, and so forth...but there are SO many subtleties that you only learn with experience. People are not like buying product off the shelf. You may know someone as a friend, or what they present to you in talking, but it's only when dating, you learn the intricacies of them as a partner, and the nuancies of you as a couple. It's through experiences you form not only whom you are, but whom you deserve and need in a relationship. It's not something static that you just know at 5 years old, forever, and can expect it just to happen without getting out there and dating, and meeting, and learning.

 

There is nothing wrong with dating. It does not mean those whom date are frivolous, or unsure what they want. It does not mean that they treat relationships any less important, or special. It definitely does not mean that when the right person comes along, that somehow they are devalued, as you have dated others. Nor are you because they dated others. You both know this person IS really the one, because you have had experiences to create the enriched knowledge to make this feeling as valid as it is. My boyfriend is the one for me for the rest of my life, and I would not trade him for anything. I love him absolutely for whom he is, and accept him completely. But would I have known that if I met him before my experiences with others, would I have been a great partner without the lessons I learned? Or without being open to meeting and dating others? Maybe.....but chances are we may have missed one another as we chased the one we thought we wanted and were not open to one another. WE both learned a lot from our past experiences, to the benefit of what we have now together, we took valuable lessons from those that only can be learned by PERSONAL experience.

 

Be ready for the worst analogy ever :

 

Say I say my favourite ice cream is Breyer's chocolate. But, I then admit I have NEVER tried another kind, as I am so certain I love Breyer's chocolate ice cream. But, I have not even tried it, because I rather would I take months and years researching it, what other people think, what I thought at 5 years old, what my friends tell me about it as they all say it's what they want....but I won't try it, though I am still adamant it's that chocolate that is my favourite. And I certainly won't look at strawberry, or vanilla! I won't even try a cone, because I feel I need to learn everything first....about it, but in my seriousness about it I miss out on other ice creams.

 

Maybe finally, I find a carton of Breyer's chocolate in my hands, and finally try it out. And as I eat it, I realize you know, it's kind of disagreeing with me. It smells good, but it has a funny aftertaste. Maybe it's kinda...bland. Maybe realize we really aren't meant for one another after all, maybe the chocolate does not want me...hmmm! Hmmm. So now I spent years pursuing what I thought was the right ice cream for me, and I should of tried it, and tried strawberry, and maybe chocolate, but with nuts..whom knows. I realize, if I am open to meeting, and trying to date others....I mean eat other ice creams...I may indeed one day find the one flavour for me....and it turns out to be Cherry Garcia - some of the great parts of chocolate are in there, but there was so much more complexities I never even thought of!

 

Sorry it's a terrible analogy, my brain is too scatterbrained today to really do it right, but the gist of it is there I wanted...

[ShySoul]

In that case I am different. I have always known what I wanted, and it has not changed on ounce. I do not see dating every changing my mind on a single issue. I have just gone through a very out relationship (not dating, not boyfriend-girlfriend, rather different and not able to be defined), and the very same ideas that I went into it with are the very same ideas that I came out with. The harder to define qualities are precisely what I have looked at from the beginning. Anything from sense of humor to fashion sense, I already know what I like. And more importantly, I don't really care. Because that is not what is going to make the relationship last. That is not what I am looking for. I am looking for love... real, honest, pure love that transcends the physical, transcends the common things, transcends the boundaries of space and time. It is an emotionally and spirtual connection that can not be sought after, can not be achieved through dating. It is something that I will know. I have believed and known this with everything that I am since I was 5. My view has never changed. I have never seen the need for dating, dating is if you are unsure. But if you are sure from the start, no need. What I am looking for, what really matters to me is not something that dating can change or shift my perspective.

 

I do not expect others to agree. If you wish to date, ok date. I will just be able to say that when I end up with someone, I will not have needed to go through any of that process. I will be able to skip straight ahead to the main event. My love will stand tall as a love that was meant to happen and I will be able to tell the girl that I never needed to be with others to see what I want. I will be able to tell her that she is, was, and always will be the only one in my heart. For her love is what was guiding me all these years to her, and she is what I have always known I wanted.

 

Not saying anything negative about anyone else who feels like dating is a valuable experience. All I am saying is that it is not NECESSARY to some. Not to me. And not to a friend of mines who has been married for a decade, and whose only dating experience came from two horrible blind dates in which she only went because she didn't feel like she should say no. She didn't need to date, she turned out ok. And I am the same way.