Is she cheating?

[overreaction]

My wife used to talk about this girl she worked with. She told me how much she didn't like her. She told me that one time she invited my wife to go out on a double-date.

 

This made me angry, and I decided that I, too, did not like this girl.

 

Last night, however, my wife claimed that they were friends, and she went out with her. She said she would be home early, but she came home at nearly 2am.

 

She was drunk, and she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. I asked her why, and she said she had a rash while driving and took it off.

 

It is true that she has had rashes on her hands before. But that was when she was a waitress and putting her hands in soapy water all the time.

 

I thought it strange that the "rash attack" would occur suddenly when she's out with the girl I don't trust.

 

It's hard for me to believe her about this, and I got angry at her. We are married for 6 years with two kids now.

 

What do you think?

[sharkbait]

I hope for you and your kids sake that she is not cheating.

 

 

WE cannot give a correct answer and our thoughts would be wild guesses and I wouldn't want to make a guess and lead your mind another way to what your heart is truly feeling about her? In your heart do you feel she is cheating on you?

 

 

All the best mate.

[kellbell]

I mean, this stuff sounds kind of weird and if I was married, I would NEVER take off my wedding band. But there could be signs of someone cheating or weird stuff going on, but you will never know for sure someone is cheating unless you catch them in the act. So the only way you can know for sure is to catch her. For your sake and youe kids, she is not. Take care.

[RayKay]

Well since you know her better than us, if you feel there is something suspicous about her behaviour and that is out of the norm of her usual patterns, then perhaps there is something going on - not necessarily cheating yet, but she may be liking the attention she is receiving...

 

What is your relationship with your wife like at this point? Overall in terms of communication, mental, sexual and all of that?

 

Personally I am not married, but I know if I were the only time I foresee taking my wedding band off would be while mountain biking/racing and some of the working out I do as jewellery is both uncomfortable and dangerous (I knew someone whom lost a finger while biking due to their ring getting snagged when they crashed!). But for a "rash" at 1:00am while out with a friend who keeps trying to get me to double date..I don't think so!

[darkblue]

It sounds strange. But I would also like to hear the answers to RayKay's questions to get a better understanding of how your marriage is just now.

[lostmyway]

Suspicious behavior:

 

Sorry man, but yea, you posted your thoughs because you feel like she either has or will cheat on you and you're probably right. Her behavior is suspicious and her story about why she took off her ring sounds like a lie. There is no way to know for sure, short of a confession, unless you catch her in the act.

 

The next question is what is the condition of your marriage now? Underlying problems in relationships can manifest themselves, for some people, in the form of cheating. Some people cheat because there are unmet needs in their relationship. Until you both understand the dynamics of what is behind it all you won't ever get past this.

 

O' and the "friend" who encourages her to double date (cheat) on her husband is bad news! I assume this double date did not include you? If she is feeling confused about things and is not happy then hanging out with someone who feels it's ok to cheat and encourages her is just a recipe for disaster.

[darkblue]

O' and the "friend" who encourages her to double date (cheat) on her husband is bad news! I assume this double date did not include you? If she is feeling confused about things and is not happy then hanging out with someone who feels it's ok to cheat and encourages her is just a recipe for disaster.

 

I assume that the definition of 'double date' in this case, involves the poster.

[DN]

Time for a talk - a serious one without raised voices.

[overreaction]

I thought I should answer the question, "Is she cheating?"

 

Yes, she was.

 

It all unraveled with a $350 cell phone bill. The number she had called belonged to her boyfriend. Apparently they were talking everytime I was at work.

 

When she went out with her friends, she was actually out with her boyfriend. She told me they had kissed many times. She said they didn't have sex.

 

To me it doesn't matter. A kiss hurts just the same if not more.

 

Now she told him she wants to break it off, and she's beggin me to give her another chance.

 

I don't know what to do.

[darkblue]

It hurts - but what would hurt more is to have it done to you twice while you had the chance to walk.

 

Don't make the same mistakes twice - leave her.

 

A leopard never changes its spots. You gave her countless chances to own up and she never - and probably lied/covered for herself.

 

Walk now and get over the heartache; knowing that she was in the wrong and you didn't cause the break up.

 

Take Care. (My PM inbox is always open if you want to talk)

[DN]

I thought I should answer the question, "Is she cheating?"

 

Yes, she was.

 

It all unraveled with a $350 cell phone bill. The number she had called belonged to her boyfriend. Apparently they were talking everytime I was at work.

 

When she went out with her friends, she was actually out with her boyfriend. She told me they had kissed many times. She said they didn't have sex.

 

To me it doesn't matter. A kiss hurts just the same if not more.

 

Now she told him she wants to break it off, and she's beggin me to give her another chance.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Don't drink if that is what your emoticon implies.

 

When she said to him that she wants to break it off - that seems less than final. I would be more impressed if she had said: "I am never going to see you again - it's over".

 

The question you should be asking your self is - what do you want from her? Once you have the answer to that you can proceed accordingly.

[RandomAdvisor]

DN makes a good point about her saying she "wants" to break it off. If she were 100% serious about saving your marrige, and sorry about the way she hurt you her reaction would have been more definite. She says they've only been kissing? Somehow I highly doubt that. This has been doing on a while, and there's no reason to believe her when she says they only kissed. She's already proven herself to be a liar.

[lostmyway]

Sorry about the confirmation. It's harder to find out yourself rather than have them step-up and confess. There is a book called "After the Affair" that I would highly recommend you and your wife both read before making the leave or stay decision. I think most people would recommend leaving a cheating partner but there is a chance it could work if you have had a good relationship in the past and your both committed to making it work. If your marriage was bad before this then cut your losses.

[darkblue]

but there is a chance it could work if you have had a good relationship in the past

 

Please, explain to me how - if it was a good relationship in the past - she would be running up huge phone bills and kissing other guys.

[lostmyway]

Please, explain to me how - if it was a good relationship in the past - she would be running up huge phone bills and kissing other guys.

 

In this case, I think that question can only be answered by Overreation.

 

In practice, I do know of some relationships that have survived infidelity. I also know of many more that did not.

 

A leopard never changes its spots.

 

There is another thread on this forum called "once a cheater, always a cheater" that has some good point and counter points on this very topic. It's also something I am dealing with myself and something that I think is a grey area. I don't think you can say that once someone cheats they can never be trusted again, but I also don't think someone should be the fool as some people cannot be trusted.

[darkblue]

Please, explain to me how - if it was a good relationship in the past - she would be running up huge phone bills and kissing other guys.

 

In this case, I think that question can only be answered by Overreation.

 

In practice, I do know of some relationships that have survived infidelity. I also know of many more that did not.

 

A leopard never changes its spots.

 

There is another thread on this forum called "once a cheater, always a cheater" that has some good point and counter points on this very topic. It's also something I am dealing with myself and something that I think is a grey area. I don't think you can say that once someone cheats they can never be trusted again, but I also don't think someone should be the fool as some people cannot be trusted.

 

I've been cheated on in the past - and I wouldn't even think about giving a cheater a second chance in the future.

 

Maybe I'm just speaking out of bitterness from my own experiences - but I don't see how a cheater can be trusted again.

 

In my eyes; if someone cheats - it's mainly because they're not fully happy in their current relationship. thereforeeee it shouldn't be given another shot.

[jevonj77]

I see three things...

 

One is that I know it is going to be hard on your children...

 

The other is that you know that the only reason she is saying things like she wants to break it off is because you caught her and not because her conscious was bothering her...So if it wasn't for that she would still be doing it right now...and kissing someone in a sexy manner that is not your husband or wife is cheating and even a school kid would know that.

 

Lastly, I see that she is still saying, after being caught, and after doing what is clearly wrong by a marriage's standards...that she wants to stop...in fact what she seems to be saying is that I want to but I can't or...I want to but I might need this as a back up...or I want to based out of principle but I like it too much right now. Whatever it is that she is thinking, that is not allowing her to say that she knows it is over between her and her adulturer...is not what you want to hear anyways...

 

I could maybe forgive a woman who admitted her mistakes and clearly was sorry...but I am not going to do so for someone who seems to still be liking it.