please help, very confused

[that_guy]

i should say a little about me and my fiance`s background... im 21 years old now and ive been with her for 6 years.. we started seeing each other when i was 15.. she's the only girl i've ever been with, and im the only guy she's ever been with.. we're planning a marriage for next may.

 

we've both known that marriage was a very real possibility for a few years or so, and a few weeks ago i looked at her and decided that she was beautiful, inside and out, and that i wanted to spend my life with her. i asked her then and we bought a ring the next day. i love this woman deeply.

 

my confusion comes from this... she's the only woman ive ever been with.. and although i know i love her with all my heart... something inside me tells me that i want to experiment with other women.. im truly afraid of missing out on an experience because i've only slept or been with one woman in my entire life.

 

even more confusing is... while im 100% positive that i'm not gay.... im almost that sure that i'm bisexual.. i've never been with a male obviously.. but again there is something in me telling me that it is something i need to try before i can move on.. and i won't be happy with myself until i do. i love women, and find them incredibly sexy... in a weird carnal way however.. i want to sleep with a man.

 

one thing that makes this lighter is i'm positive i don't want a relationship with anyone else, either male or female... exspecially male... i don't find the homosexual relationship appealing at all... and i'm incredibly happy in my relationship with my fiance`.

 

i'd never cheat on my girlfriend... but im not sure if i should approach her with this issue, or just forget about it... i really dont want to continue keeping this secret. i also really want to make real the things i have mentioned...

 

please god help me.. any advice is welcome advice...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

dude you're twenty one with almost no experience dating other women and also have a sexual attraction to males. Don't rush into marriage. This is too young.

[shes2smart]

dude your twenty one with almost no experience dating other women and also have a sexual attraction to males. Don't rush into marriage. This is too young.

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

Sexual desires/interests/curiosity don't disappear if ignored. Human nature being what it is, we tend to want something more if we are told we cannot have it or think we cannot have it. While you may be able to have enough strength of will to keep it under control for long periods of time, it is inevitable that temptation will cross your path at some point down the road...unless you're living in a cave and have no interaction with the outside world at all. When it does, and the temptation involves one or several elements that are of particular interest to you, it is going to be very difficult to resist. It is truly amazing how creative we can be when we try to justify actions we know we shouldn't take.

 

I have seen this play out in some of the social groups I am involved in. As I have mentioned on this board before, my husband and I are in the BDSM lifestyle. We belong to several educational/social groups. The number of people who come stumbling in with a story along these lines is astounding: They knew they had kink interests, they married a vanilla (non-kink) spouse anyway, the 'nilla spouse wanted nothing to do with their kink, they tried to be not-kinky and got to the point where they felt they were really missing out, couldn't take it anymore and now showed up at one of our group meetings...usually without their 'nilla spouse knowing they were there. Sometimes the 'nilla spouse is able to adapt/accept the kink spouse...but a lot of times they end up spliting. IMO, these folks would save themselves and others a lot of grief if they did one simple thing: if you know you're kink, date ONLY other kinksters....don't date a non-kinkster and try to convert them.

 

But I digress.

 

A reason I disagree with early marriage is that most people grow & change so much in their 20's that by the time they hit 30, they may (psychologically/emotionally/spiritually) bear little resemblance to who they were at 20. There is no guarantee that you and a young spouse will grow in the same -- or even complimentary or compatible -- directions.

 

My husband got married for the first time when he was 19. He was divorced by the time he was 26. Both elements in the above 2 paragraphs came into play -- both he and his ex had changed, and she cheated after letting him know repeatedly what a "freak" he was for having some of the desires he has. Her "freak" is my perfect match.

 

Now, I know there are people on this board who got married young and are around my age now and still married and happy. That's great. However, I think they are the exception to the rule and you will find more people with stories like my husband's. (Probably minus the kink element, but otherwise....)

 

I'm of the school of thought that you should date a lot of people when you're young, and try a lot of different things -- not just sexually but in every aspect of life. Doing this you will get a better sense of who you are, what you like, what you don't like, and what would be best for you in a partner. Going through tough times by oneself is a real character-building experience and makes one more prepared to face challenges with a partner. Knowing that you are whole, complete and fine on your own makes you a partner with more to offer. Knowing that you are capable of meeting your own needs means you're not going to place that burden on your partner, and it's going to make you more open to compromise with a partner. It's nice when a sig. other *wants* to do things for you and take care of you and does it out of love rather than obligation or expectation.

 

Basically, I think people should get all the messing around out of their system and not even think about marriage until they KNOW they are ready to fully commit...not because their partner wants to get married, not because they've been together for a certain amount of time, not because all their friends are getting married, not because one or the other or both families are pressuring them to get married, not because "everyone" they know is expecting them to get married. I didn't reach the point where I KNEW I was ready to commit to that kind of relationship til I was 37. Oh, I'd had other chances to get married before then, but it never felt quite right. I always felt like I'd be missing something if I got married at those points in the past. The marriage I have now was definitely worth waiting for.

 

Anyway, that's just the view from where I'm sitting. In the end, you'll have to sort your own life out for yourself, as we all do. If there's anything here you can use, take it and run with it. If not, discount it as the ramblings of one more opinionated blowhard on the Internet.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Shes I like your post tremendously. Well thought out and actually very succinct considering the enormous amount you had to share with us. There is only one thing I disagree with.

I think we are all freaks underneath the false exterior of normalacy that society has fastooned us with.

The reason why people divorce is because one might be afraid of the judgements society would impose upon them and the other might become compulsive obsessive of their kinky proclivity to the exclusion of all other activities.

Kinky and romantic both serve different psychological purposes and are both different forms of communication (and fun).

The adventurous erotic and childhood staple and the other is the expression of love that comes from true connection. '

Show me somebody normal and I'll show you somebody who's afraid of who they really are. (unless of course they really don't have an imagination)

 

--- although I will never understand people who are attracted to urination and defecation or the desire to chow down on an anus. That is very Freud and positively disgusting.

[RayKay]

I second all of this, absolutely.

 

I can understand you love your girlfriend, you have been together a long time, and you have basically grown up together. But despite the length of time together, I REALLY would say being 21 is way too young, especially since you HAVE both been together so long.

 

I dated someone from 15-19 whom wanted to get married....but you know what, I KNEW in my heart there was more out there I had to experience..in order to find out who I really was - on my own. Don't get me wrong, I loved him...but moving on was the best thing I could of done. Despite thinking I knew everything then....years later I know I really did not. I can honestly say that having the experience of learning about myself, having several experiences, dating others...has formed part of whom I am and my understanding of the world. If I HAD married that guy, I would of felt I was missing out (I WOULD of been missing out) and been unhappy. More so, I would of missed out on some of the people I met later, and more importantly, I would never be where I am NOW, which is with the person I KNOW is the perfect person for me. More importantly, he feels the same. Like S2S said, what I have now was definitely worth waiting for.

 

I had some very rough times too....going on to love others can also bring in more pain, one of my boyfriends that came later died, if I had stayed with my high school guy, I would never have gone through that. But you know what....it made me a better person in so many ways too, and I do not regret those experiences, or having met and loved him. It is not EASIER to move on, but you know, if you have those feelings of what if....they will not suddenly disappear. You need to experience them. You NEED to grow and I think being with the same person from the age of 15-21 then marrying them....really hinders that.

 

I am aware you love her, but are you REALLY ready to get married? Are you truly prepared for all the realities of marriages and have all the tools...as it is more than a lifelong honeymoon? It is not just about love...though love is tremendously important...but even then, given your lack of experiences, do you really KNOW if this is the "one" for you?

 

Look I have loved many people I dated and had relationships with. But it was not until my current partner I realized that love was so much more than what I had felt before. That THIS person was the one, this relationship was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life in.

 

Ugh, I hate advising someone not to marry the person they love, when you have not identified anything wrong. If you want to, then do it, but be TRULY sure first. Some people DO have successful young marriages...but the majority don't as they just are NOT ready even though they do love.

 

Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

[mieshagirl]

wow, I can not believe your story is pretty much identical to how my life WAS. I was with my guy since the age of 15. We were together through highschool. We got engaged when I was 18. We wanted to get married last February. (I'm 21). To make a long story short, we are no longer together. A couple months before the wedding, we figured out we had actually grew apart and that there were things we wanted to experiment with. So, we did. That's the point in life that I'm at now. I still to this day love him so much, but yet I am actually glad things did not work out, because down the road one of us might of cheated on each other or something crazy like that. Only because we are young and had not experimented like young people should do. The break up was rough. But I am learning about who I am more and what I llike and what I REALLY want out of life, not just settling for whatever. You know what I mean? Believe me I have learned alot and I have changed alot.

Just like everyone else who posted, I'm not saying call off the marriage, but I sure would think twice. So you are not unhappy down the road. If you two separate, maybe down the road you will get back together. You never know. But please be honest with her, it's only fair to her.

Good luck

[iamwhoiam]

i won't repeat the wisdom that the others have shared. but i will add myself to the list who have said that you should consider holding off on marriage.

 

i dated and almost married a guy who i loved very much when i was only 20. at the time, i assumed it was perfect and "meant to be", despite him being my only serious relationship. we had dated through part of high school and college.

 

it didn't work out. and though it was painful at the time, i now look back (9 years later i am definitely older and wiser), and i am thankful. i have had an opportunity to meet others, to travel, to get an education, and to do many things that, had i been married with children, would have been impossible.

 

you're young. you are curious. don't rush into something like marriage, when you have all the time in the world to settle down.

[shes2smart]

There is only one thing I disagree with.

I think we are all freaks underneath the false exterior of normalacy that society has fastooned us with.

 

Actually there is no disagreement at all. If people are honest and being who they are and not who they *think* they should be, then, yeah...we're all a little quirky. Sexually and otherwise.

 

I call my husband a freak when he eats potato chips with cottage cheese on 'em. His ex called him a freak when he wanted to tie her up. Difference is we both know I'm kidding when I call him a freak....she wasn't.

 

Normal is a town in Illinois. I'm not from there. thereforeeee, I can't claim to be normal. Census data from 2002 says about 47,000 people live in Normal, so that means most of us clearly aren't.

[Caterina]

I am going to say, PLEASE think this out carefullly before you do anything. If you are happy with her and love her, you could be damaging something beautiful and regret it for the rest of your life. Speculations and the "grass is always greener on the other side" are torturous to good relationships. If you do something about this, you must understand that there will be pain that will ensue...don't do anything you will regret. Be as gentle with her feelings as possible. I know that people wont' agree with me, but I have known people (including myself) who have regretted throwing away something beautiful only because they wanted to experiment.