You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[nikkers04]

After reading 90% of the 79 pages on this thread I think I realized I have messed up. Very good thread by the way. I'm on day 14 of no contact I finally did it and I'm proud that I have stuck to it but just as you all said...It sucks....Doing nothing can't call to check in can't anything. Before I left I asked him if he wanted to hang out on the 28th of this month he said yes....and I realize I shouldn't have done that because he is going to be like...I dont have to call her because we are going to hang out on the 28th. So I'm not going to call him the night before like planned to see if we were still going to hang out. I'm going to pretend I forgot about that day make him call me make him be surprised that I didn't try to contact him. Is this the right thing to do?

[Lucky_721]

Well I am on day 14 as well. I have been talking to Dave and he has been a great help. everyone should do what he says because he is full of imformation that is helpful. Ill post details if they are asked for.

[SuperDave71]

Yeah Lucky 721 should be charged for personal counseling!!! HA HA HA HA

 

 

KIDDING!! JJUUUUUSSSSTTTT KIDDDDINNNGGGGG!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Lucky_721]

Yeah Lucky 721 should be charged for personal counseling!!! HA HA HA HA

 

 

KIDDING!! JJUUUUUSSSSTTTT KIDDDDINNNGGGGG!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

haha i totally should. send me a bill for what ever you think is fair. you have helped me more than anyone.

[nikkers04]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated....you guys all sound like you know what your talking about and thats why I started the NC.

[KweenofDenyl]

Honestly, I caught him coming from a bar with her, so we never really got to close things, etc.

 

Would it be wrong to speak with him and tell him how I really feel? How I still love him but know this can't work?

 

I feel like I need some kind of closure, since we were saying "I love you" up until 12 days ago. I caught him; if I hand't we'd still be together.

 

Yeah, I'd say some closure is warranted but I'm thinking more along the lines of NC closure--like a letter. Are you sure you don't want closure just for an excuse to be with him? I know from another post of yours that he has lots o' probs; the one that jumped out at me the most was that you were actually afraid of him-yet you sort of glossed over that one. He could be my ex's twin brother with what you described! The worst part? He is such a LOSER and chose to be with someone else!! So in the back of your mind you're thinking that makes YOU an even BIGGER loser!

Not true!

Not true!

Not true!

You have so much more to offer. anyway as for closure, let me ask you this--if you were on a tropical beach somewhere having a great time and not depressed, would you still want to contact him?

[Lucky_721]

This is an update, only Dave is going to understand whats going on because only he knows what i have been going through. I thought i would want to hear other peoples opinions too though. and i know Dave is going to kill me for breaking NC. it is all ok though and she wanted to talk to me. this is what i wrote in my journal tonight.

 

January 12, 2006 Day 14 Week 2 – Today was hard. I wanted to call her all day long. I tried to keep busy though and tried to keep my mind off of her. Then it was 8 pm and I called her. It was really hard for me. I called her cell phone and she didn’t answer, I got scared and thought maybe she wasn’t ready to talk to me. Then I called her house and her dad answered, she got on the phone and I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said she did and then I went over there. She said that she had wanted to call me too and was actually going to go see me that morning or tomorrow morning. Obviously she didn’t come over that morning so I don’t know. It was so weird seeing her. I wanted to fall to my knees. She looked happy. I got the vibe it was over. I thought maybe she never wanted to see me again. We started to talk. To be honest I was just happy to be able to talk to her and see her after two weeks. She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. I asked her how she was and how she had been doing. She said she has been sick and very busy. It was hard for me to know she was busy with all her friends and stuff. I'm glad she was, but it hurt a little because I had not been busy myself. I began to apologize for things I had done wrong. I had behaved terrible and I had to apologize for it. I have realized so many things I did wrong in our relationship. I was childish at best sometimes. This whole thing is so hard. She says she knows she wants to be with me but right now she said she needs more time and space. She said she knows she can’t expect me to wait until she is in Portland. It’s so hard. She said she was watching “A Wedding Story” a few days ago and said that she couldn’t see doing that with anyone else but me. That made me feel good but it also gave me hope and I don’t know if it’s false hope. I told her not to give me false hope. I cried a lot while talking to her and apologizing. It was so hard for me. To admit your faults to the one you hurt is very difficult. I tried to hold back my tears but it was too hard. She cried some too so I didn’t feel so bad. I told her I was so sorry for many things. Like getting mad at her for stupid little things like being late etc. like not appreciating all the things she does for me and all the things she does for herself. I had a double standard with a lot of things that I thought was ok for me to do and I didn’t think were ok for her to do. I feel so bad that I did that and I apologized. She is such a great person and she is so good to me. She has done nothing wrong. And I can say that she honestly has done nothing wrong. Everything that was done wrong was caused by me. I accept that and it gives me room to improve upon myself. She said she needs more time and more space and that she isn’t ready yet. She said she has lost who she is and needs to find it again. She said she is happy as ever when she is with people, but when she is alone she feels alone. She is trying to find peace with being alone. I get why I can’t be apart of this. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt though. She said she was glad I was realizing all the things wrong I had done. She was happy about that. Her phone rand and she answered it; it was some guy. She said she was just with a “friend” and that she was sorry she didn’t come over to learn how to play poker. That hurt me so much. She just told me that she thinks that we can never be just friends and then she says I am just a friend on the phone to some guy. That hurt and I told her so. I don’t know what to do. I asked her what we were or what we were going to do. She said we will finish the conversation in the morning. She asked if I want to make her some scrambled eggs in the morning and I said of course. So I will find out more in the morning I guess. She says she knows our relationship isn’t broken and that we shouldn’t be broken up. I don’t know what to do about it. She says she needs me. I told her not to give me false hope. She agreed. I don’t feel like we need a break, I feel like we need a change in the relationship. We just need to have more freedom. Breaks scare me and I don’t want one and I don’t think we need one. I will respect a break if that’s what she wants though. I just think that a break will end things forever and I don’t want that. I am so scared of that. She said “breaks” get a bad rap because people take them for the wrong reasons; one of those being to see other people. She said she didn’t want to see other guys so why does she need a break. I asked her what time she was going to come over in the morning and she just said, “Ummmmm …ummmm.” I immediately got it. She didn’t want a time to be there, so I said, “just come when you feel like it, come when ever your ready to.” She said thanks. I told her to notice that I was changing because I would have never been like that before. She did say she forgives me for things but it still hurts for her. She agreed with me that it would be silly for us to make this the end of our relationship. But I do think she wants to end it for now. It doesn’t make sense because she said she doesn’t want to see other guys right now. She said her ring doesn’t fit anymore and had to take it off. I asked her what she was going to do and she said she wanted to get it resized. It hurts me that she isn’t wearing it but I know that her getting it resized shows me that she sees a future. I told her that what ever she wants to happen that I will let it happen. She said she will never not answer my call if I call her. She said I can always call her. That made me feel good, but what about the time and space she wants; won’t that interfere? This whole thing is so hard. She said she misses me but she is happy being alone. She says she loves herself and I know she does. She shows me that when ever I see her. I don’t know what to do right now.

[nikkers04]

wow our situation is almost exactly the same...we were both on day 14 of no contact....you broke down and called.

My roommate told me he saw my ex...Kevin today and Kevin supposadly said he was happy without me in his life...I was devastated...after everything I did for him he was going to repay me by saying it was better without me? So I called a mutual friend ... one I confide in and told him what he had said. He called kevin and kevin called me....I just like you feels you may have messed up...I answered...I know I shouldn't have but I did...in his voice was excitement....excitment to talk to me...of course I was cryin because of what my roomate just told me and kevin said what in the Heck are you talking about?? yes its nice with you not bugging me but I miss you and want to give us another chance. I'm just not ready yet. If you ever need to call me you can I'd prefer to keep it as it is so we dont mess things up but you can always call if you must.

 

So we are both stuck on...now is it false hope??? I sure hope not and I truly believe if they have any respect for us they wouldn't try to hurt us more by saying things that aren't true....we have to believe that but also keep are guard up at the same time...I mean 2 weeks isnt' that long...it felt like a life time but it might not be enough you know? I wish you luck with your girl you sound like a great guy that needed to be pointed in the right direction and it seems you have found that. I know its hard having it be all up to the opposite one but if its meant to be it will be.

[thlst3]

My ex and I broke up over 1.5 yrs ago... She cheated and got confused. She was back and forth on working things out and being friends. I got tired of it all and decide NC. That was about 1 month ago. She has emailed me several time since.

 

Always ending with "I miss you and think about you often" or "Love you"

 

Yesterday was her bday... it came and went. I didn't call or email to wish her a bday. It's cold but what she put me thru was colder.

 

So, she emails me today with

 

Hey,

 

I have to admit it was slightly disappointed you did not even text msg me with a Happy Birthday yesterday. You text me about the Steelers game, but can't even text me to wish a Happy Birthday.

 

I guess this also goes along with the fact that you wouldn't even wish me a Merry Christmas.

 

It doesn't make sense to me is all.

 

J

 

How should I respond?

[Lucky_721]

Well she came over this morning and I made her breakfast. I was so scared. We started to talk and I really don’t know what to take away from it all. She says she wants to be alone and she doesn’t want to be with any other guys. She says she needs more time. She asked me what I want and I told her I wanted her to be happy. She knows we belong together, but she just needs time. She said she is happy right now, but she misses me. I don’t think she misses me enough to want me as her bf right now. That hurts so much. She told me I could call her when ever I want if I ever need to talk about anything. She said that she is still my best friend. She doesn’t want to be just friends though. I told her I would not call her because she just said that she needs more tine and space and I can’t be interfering with that. She said that she wants me to call her on her birthday in three weeks. I was hesitant and said I wouldn’t. She said that is really what she wants, and I agreed to call her. I told her that if she isn’t my girlfriend then I can’t do boy friend things for her, and she agreed. I cried when she was leaving, and so did she. We both know how much we mean to each other and that’s why it’s so hard. She knows that she can’t dangle me on a string and she said that it’s not fair to do so. She said she knows she can’t expect me to wait. I would do anything to get her back, and that’s why I am giving her the space and time she needs. I don’t know what our relationship is called right now. I guess you could say that it’s a break but it’s not a break up. She said she does not want it to be over and that this is not the end. I told her I didn’t want this to be the end either. When she left, I puked and I don’t know why. I don’t even know if that’s normal. This is the hardest thing I ever have done and I don’t know what to do. Like the cliché says, if you love someone, let them go…

[shadylady1979]

Thanks queen of denyl!! I appreciate your response!!

[Lucky_721]

so here is a rundown of what happened yesterday

 

Today I went back to school. She said she would come see me early in the morning around 8 because she was going out of town for the day. 8 came and went and I became angry. Angry with myself for believing she wanted to say good bye to me. I called her at 8:45 to see what was going on and if she wanted me to come see her. She said no and that she would be back in town at noon to see me. My shuttle didn’t leave until 1 pm so I said ok. As it drew near 1 pm and still no sign of her, I called her at 12:50 and asked her what was going on. She said she was 10 minutes away and I said I don’t know if you will see me, but I told her to meet me at the shuttle stop. She did show up at the shuttle and explained why she was so late. She said the guy doing her nails did them wrong and had to re do them. Wow so I got screwed for some nails. I feel like I'm not worth her time. I guess I'm not anymore I mean she doesn’t call me her boy friend. I think she needs to accept one or the other. Either I am or I am not her boy friend. I got to say good bye and I gave her a hug and a kiss. She said that she isn’t giving me false hope and that she wants to be with me. I don’t know what to say or do about something like that. She needs to show me that she wants me. It’s not fair to dangle me on a string like she is doing. She then left and I boarded the shuttle. I honestly don’t know what to do about the whole situation. She gives me so much hope for the future and she says things that make me want to believe it isn’t over. However her actions don’t show that. She has not showed me that she wants me. So now I am going to meet with some friends and have a good time. I need to get my mind off of her. I'm going to try and forget her for tonight. My friend is making me dinner and then we are going to just chill at his apartment. I want to be over her so much so I can get on with my life. But she gives me so much hope for the future that I find it hard to let go. When she left I told her I would see her soon. She said ok with a compliant tone as if she knew she would be seeing me soon.

 

and this is today

 

So I stumbled back to my room at 6:30 this morning after a long night with friends. I enjoyed myself so that’s important. I went back to bed only to be woken up at 11 by non other than you guessed it; the ex. We talked for almost half an hour. I didn’t bring anything up and I didn’t talk about our relationship at all. I could tell she wanted to talk to me just to hear my voice. I know she misses me but I don’t think she misses me enough. We talked about her night last night and I was just overall supportive of what she is doing in her life. I am trying to love her back to me I don’t know how effective it is so far but who knows. I'm glad to be around my friends here at school and they are all very supportive of me. I am happy with myself right now and I am not going to be calling her. Its going to be tough but I have all my friends here to support me.

[Rivpt]

Hey superdave, I have a quick question...what are you supposed to do AFTER you've gotten some closure and initiated NC, yet she doesn't really respect your wishes? i.e. she calls/texts saying things like "i don't really enjoy being ignored", etc. i know it just bothers her that i really am not going to contact her and be a part of her life anymore cause it was HER CHOICE...but still? i'd love to write her an email explaining how pissed off i am at her leading me on for such a long time after the breakup feeding me false hope and how her actions speak louder than her words, etc. but i feel like that won't help anything. i posted a few weeks ago in this thread about my situation so any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

 

~P

[Lucky_721]

I can’t believe it’s been 18 days already. The pain is still real and it feels just like it did the first day. I miss her so much and yet I know I have to stop. I have to stop thinking about her. She has consumed my life. I can’t even sleep at night, I end up thinking too much and sleep never comes. I miss her so much and I just want to see her and talk. I miss being able to touch her. I miss her touch. I miss her hugs so much. I’ve never had hugs like she gives. There is so much love in her hugs. She has so much passion in her kisses. She text messaged me tonight and it said “I really do love you.” I don’t know what to think really. I know she was working from like 4-10 so I think she may have gotten bored. Maybe she was just thinking a lot about stuff. I'm not sure. I sent her a message back saying, “I do really love you too and I'm always here if you need anything.” It was supportive and loving. Its all I can do right now I suppose.

[curlygirl47]

I see you smiling now and thinking, "No buts! No contact!" But here goes the story anyway. See what you think:

 

I moved from another state a year and a half ago and could not find anybody that I could really be interested in. I FINALLY started dating a guy here this past September. He had mentioned the first night we met that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and I knew I was, so I said so (in so many words, but without saying "Look, I want to get married" --- which no rational person would say to a stranger on the first meeting) and didn't call him even though he gave me his phone number.

 

He tracked me down at work and called several times, even leaving a message: "Don't run away from me." So --- bad idea, I don't know? I gave him a chance. We began to date regularly, and though every now and then he would express his concern that we were "going too fast" and that he was falling in love and was scared, I never pressured him in any way, and we went on trips together with his mother and his son --- we went to see my parents, etc.

 

We were close and happy, with only the occasional spats, which became less frequent after the initial intensity of our relationship calmed down and we kind of settled in. Now, during these four months, his ex-wife called fairly regularly and they saw each other to transport their son, etc. But they were NOT seeing each other; she had someone else, by the way.

 

But around Christmas, she and that fellow broke up, and she came back with all guns loaded to try to get "my" fellow back. She called, cried, begged, manipulated, all the great stuff. And I guess for her it kind of worked, at least temporarily, because he pulled back sharply from me for about two weeks, didn't tell me that they were "talking about getting back together" and basically hurt me and disappointed me terribly by being silent during this time.

 

When I called, he was cold and short with me, etc. When tt had been about two weeks since we had been together sexually, and I had really had not heard from him, he called me up and took me for a drink and a ride in the car and we talked. He was apologetic, but fairly distant. He called me up a few nights later, in the middle of the night after he had had a fight with a guy at a bar, and said he didn't care where I was (I don't care if it's Charleston or Florida, he said) he had to see me. I responded, and we were intimate and spent the whole day together at his house. While I was there, both the ex-wife and his son came by, but he didn't ask me to leave or anything, and they knew I was there. I was, in fact, in the bed and didn't get up. I felt validated. But here's the clincher: he's never been the same with me since. Though we were intimate that day, he didn't call for five days. Finally, I confronted him and he explained the situation, expressed regret, said he had decided not to go back with her but says he can't have a relationship right now, says if he could it would be with me because he can't imagine anyone more compatible, and that maybe IN A YEAR or so he could consider having a serious relationship. When I said okay, and that I would probably move back to my home state by this summer if my personal life here did not become more stable, he said he didn't want me to go, but he admitted that was "f'ed up" for him to say since he couldn't commit. Now, let me clear something up: I never asked him for a serious commitment, as in let's live together or get married. He admits that. He says I've never pressured him. He says it's his own dependence on ME that bothers him. He is way too attached and is going in the direction of a full commitment to me, and he's afraid he'll do that and then end up with another divorce someday because he went to fast. He says he may be making the biggest mistake of his life. All of which still sounds like a big fat goodbye, doesn't it?????

 

Now, he talks about me to other people all the time, and he has again called in the middle of the night and wanted to come over. Fortunately for me --- I think --- I was not at home, so he had to suffer a bit and wonder why I didn't answer. But he is dating other people, casually, and has said that I should date other people also.

 

(Side note: I am intensely attracted to him and he to me, and I love being intimate with him even though he has some sexual problems --- namely, he can't sustain an erection; believe me when I say it is not because he is not aroused. I am 99% sure this would happen with any woman. I am willing to deal with this because I am crazy about him. As for him, he says the sex is the best he has ever had. One more note about the sex; he occasionally uses Viagra, and even then, he isn't exactly up and running if you know what I mean. The only time I remember him ever having it going on for more than a few minutes is once when he used cocaine. As for the cocaine, he did it maybe once a month and has givien that and marijuana up as a New Year's Resolution). I normally don't do either, but I did smoke pot with him.

 

Now, here's my question. Normally, I would never put up with a man seeing other women and seeing me too, when I am in love with him and he knows it --- especially when he was seeing me exclusively for four months before decided he couldn't swing it. I also wouldn't put up with him not calling or spending time with me regularly. However, I'm 40 now (He's 42), and I really like this guy, and I know that he really likes me. Should I put up with this crap for a while and see if it goes anywhere? I've ended relationships before over this kind of stuff, but at some point a woman has to realize (no offense, guys) but men nearly always do this kind of really nasty stuff at some point. It seems like it's either accept it or live alone forever.

 

In the meantime, I've called only once since I confronted him and got the whole story; I've been to his house only once, and that was by invitation, to pick up some things of mine (I had suggested he leave them for me at a neutral place, but he said "No, come on over.") --- and I've written and mailed one letter --- after he called at 2:54 in the morning two days ago. In the letter, I said that since he had suggested I date other people, I would do that, and that if he wanted to see me, he should let me know. I also said that I was thinking about going back to my home state, but I would be here for at least three more months if he wanted to talk.

 

Now, this is all the stuff that has to do with me -- but he does have some other things going on in his life. He's trying to make some financial decisions, trying to buy property and move, and trying to improve his son's grades and emotional state. He also told me that he has to make some things right from his past before he can move on, and he was going to do that this week. Also, a close friend of his from years ago died of cancer this week, and it was the morning after the funeral that he called at 2:54 a.m. The day of the funeral is also the time that I called in a weak moment, to say that I didn't need or want anything, just to tell him that no matter what he is my friend and I love him. He said that it meant a lot that I called to say that, and that he wanted to see me soon. He would call.)

 

Whew. Okay --- let me have it. What do you think? ](*,)

[OCD]

I love this post I received from SuperDave....toy box theory....I just had to read this one over again because it relates to why I asked my ex to stop calling....it was as if a scab was getting torn off every time she'd call, which was very far and between....I was getting hurt so, following this tox boy theorty advice, I asked her the best way I could to give me time and not call...I was getting hurt. She didn't take it very well and said "fine, I won't bother you any more!" A very defensive reaction I thought, I was hoping she'd understand...maybe after a week or so now, she's thought a little more about what I said...I just thought I'd share some of the great advice I got and that I finally put my foot down for myself....perhaps this will get her to think, but I'm not waiting and getting my hopes up like I used to...it's still very difficult. Thanks all and thank SuperD!

 

OCD

[curlygirl47]

Though I am hoping to get an ex back, I am also an ex of someone else who wants ME back. Here's how it's gone, from the "pursued" point of view. I like this guy --- I love him, in fact. He's probably the best person I know. He's open-minded, gentle, a good lover, likes cats, has a good relationship with his mother, and I could go on for a while with this list. If I could solve one or two problems in my own head, I would go back to this guy and marry him in a heartbeat. One (I'm embarrassed to say it and ready for all the whacks on the head you are going to throw at me) is that he's just not a "good-looking" guy. I know, I know --- I'm shallow, but it's a basic chemistry thing that is missing. He can get me going fairly well when we are in the sack, but I don't get that weak-kneed feeling when I look at him like I do when I am in love with a guy. Also, when we first dated (three years ago) and the sex was so phenomenal, he was very thin. I like a thin, baseball player kind of body. I don't expect six-packs or anything like that; I'm average weight, myself. But he has gained so much weight that I just don't think I could stand it. Also, the clincher is that he is an alcoholic (recovered), so he can't drink and he really can't be in bars and that kind of stuff. I like to drink and I like to go to bars. So you see why I can't go back to this guy? But it's stupid stupid stupid and I wish I could change. Now, I hope this makes some of you feel better. The ex may know perfectly well how valuable you are and know exactly what he or she is losing and wish very much that he or she could change and stick with glorious you, but he or she is messed up in the head like I am. So, from this side, I apologize on behalf of all of us.

 

Let me add this much, though. He has managed to stay in my life no matter what, by waiting very very patiently and always being loving. A few times he has become upset, but he always rallies. I have tried several times to get him to cut off contact with me, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't, however, call me or bother me in any way. We e-mail, and once in a blue moon, I call him. Occasionally he asks if I want to come for a visit, and I always think about it. I'm still thinking about it, even now. I know that if he would make a few changes, he could find somebody awesome and he would forget me, which would be best for him and probably a major downer for me, since I wouldn't have somebody in the wings who loves me. You see my point. If you absolutely can't get over somebody, then your only option is to do what my ex does; carry on with your life and make occasional contact, keep things very pleasant, and hope for the best.

[kate111]

Curlygirl,

 

You have reacted very well in the circumstances. Lie low and do no contact and see if he misses you. Stand your ground and if he ends up begging let him know that you are in for a monogamous relationship. If he can't do that then you will have to let him go.

[Leges39]

he could find somebody awesome and he would forget me, which would be best for him and probably a major downer for me, since I wouldn't have somebody in the wings who loves me. You see my point. If you absolutely can't get over somebody, then your only option is to do what my ex does; carry on with your life and make occasional contact, keep things very pleasant, and hope for the best.

not all of what you said sticks with me, but this does.

[curlygirl47]

I've read the book "How to Get Your Lover Back" so many times that I have just about memorized it, and it has really really helped me to get through this breakup. I actually got the book when I was going through an earlier significant break-up three years ago. That was a three-year relationship, and I was devastated when it was over. Some of what is happening now is reliving that time again because I have once again been abandoned. The fellow I've been dating recently is actually very much like the other guy, which is part of why I liked him so much. Well, anyway --- what I wanted to say is that the author of the book, Blaise Harris, PhD. used his own strategies to get back an ex, successfully, into a long term love bond, and he has counseled many people to do the same thing. Importantly, he states that one of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to get an ex back is to demand that the person stop seeing anyone else. He says that even though it is extremely painful, you must try not to dwell on the ex's sex with anyone else, and you may have to let him go through the "limerance" stage of a new relationship or two, realizing that the sex has little to do with love and that you are more in danger of losing your ex permanently to someone who connects with him emotionally than anything else. My point is, Kate, that I don't know if I should do as you suggest and tell him we have to be monogamous, though of course that is my instinct and what I always would have done in the past. But I am still thinking it through. And I don't even know if it will be an option, anyway. I've made no contact and had none from him since Monday morning, and I'm trying to be strong.

[SuperDave71]

OCD,

 

How are you doing out there?

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Rivpt,

 

If she doesn't like being ignored, I really hate that she has to deal with it. I hate the fact that it has to BE HER WAY. You have choices. You can answer the phone...or you don't. You have choices. You must let you ex know that it is NOT ALL ABOUT HER and wat she wants and expects because right now, in my eyes, it allllll about you. ( and that is a good thing)

 

 

Let me know how it goes ok? I wish you well.

 

 

-Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[OCD]

OCD,

 

How are you doing out there?

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

 

Well SuperDave, to be honest I'm not sure. Mixed feelings today, I suppose that's better than feeling down and out right? Thanks for asking. I asked my ex to not call me for a while because I was getting hurt by her far and between phone calls. She was pretty disturbed by that saying "fine I won't bother you any more...". So i wrote a couple of letters over the weekend that I haven't sent. Just explaining that she wasn't bothering me...only hurting because I wasn't healed yet and I was living on false hope. I told her many times that I couldn't be a good friend or emotional pillow, but she kept calling any way. I hope this gets her thinking and I'm not sure if I should send that nice letter I wrote, explaining my feelings. It's just that phone call didn't go very well and I think I need to explain some of the things I said. She basically shut me out on that call, took the defensive. What do you think SuperD...letter or not? Did I do the right thing? Just curious, I think I had to stand up for myself, but would like to hear your take. Thank you.

 

OCD

[kate111]

Curlygirl,

 

Maybe you are right maybe telling the person that you want to be monogamous would be bad for getting an ex back. Im not sure. It is what I would do. Why?

 

Because otherwise he is going to try to get what HE wants. you with a piece of cake on the side. By telling him "no" you are setting your limits. If he can't cope with that then you can get rid of him quick smart and find someone new.

 

When I say that you should tell him you want to be monogamous I think you should only say it IF he begs for you back and even then voice concern that he is actually capable of it and perhaps suggest you will go looking for it someplace else.

 

Then again I guess you want THIS particular guy back and my advice idoesn't really help in manipulating an ex back. There is a thread on here "the perfect Plan" which I think has some pretty good techniques if you want inspiration for manipulation.

[curlygirl47]

Kate,

 

I can get another guy. But I'm 40, and I'm tired of giving up and moving on to yet another guy who does the same crap. I'm thinking that it's too late for that at this point; I've got to figure out what really went wrong and learn to repair the relationship I've got instead of tossing it out the door. Then again, this isn't a relationship at this point, is it? Whew, I'm tired of the whole thing. I think I'll take a little break from thinking about it.

 

I'm glad you're there to give me a kick in the pants when I need it.