You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

No problem...you knew the answer to that one anyway

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[suebob1]

superdave i have been reading your post and found it very interesting i was wondering if you could advise me on my situation(read need advice on getting over cheating) (if you an be bothered) or what are you r thoughts my ex is living with someone else (i think) he became friends with her during a period that after 8 yrs i started to reject him sexually(he did try to talk to me) i became withdrawn and stoopped doing things together with him etc,he then told me in january that he was breaking up with me, all along he has said that he still loves me??he wants to remain friends and that if we cant be friemds we canft be anything else. Whenever he comes to see me he lies to her(i check his mobile ) i nknow i shouldnt but just need to see if he tells her, he is living with her i think cos i threw him out, at the moment he has started staying over and we sometimes go away at weekends and things get a little steamy, yes stupidly we are still sleeping togther, he says that he is not commited to her but he will not tell me how he feels about me at the minute apart from he has never stopped loving me do you think there is any hope of us getting back together and that he just needs space??everything at the house and his post still comes here he doesnt want anything to change eg: joint health insurance etc?

[fantasia2004]

I love this thread!

[SuperDave71]

SueBob,

 

 

It really depends on what you can handle....Why is it that we can only settle for one individual ./..when there are million of possible choices? i can't tell you...I can't. I lov emy ex..but ya know.....Life is to be lived for those who love us for who we are. You know the feeling ya get when you watch a love story? And you think to yourself...wow....I could do that....

 

Why can't you? We all can....

 

It comes down to what we can settle for.....what do we lower ourselves to believe who our soulmates are.......

 

 

I need to wake up and follow my own advice and realize..life is to short to be unloved and to settle for those who only give you 10% when there are those out there that would give us......300%,.

 

 

 

Just my opinion .....right now... ( Yes, i have been drinking )

 

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[yo]

Hi Superdave,

 

I just love reading your posts. They are sooooo TRUE and soooooo GOOD!

 

Well my ex dumped me for my friend. She said she wanted to be friends with me. I said I didn't want it right now as it was too painful. I am doing NC and she hasn't called me for a week now.

 

My question is, incase she decided to call up what should I do?

1) Should I just not pick up her call

2) Should I call back later and tell her I was busy and was having fun OR

3) Should I just talk to her

and if I do talk to her, what do I talk about and should I tell her I'm happy without her or should I tell her that I still miss her. Also, do I tell her that I'm ready to be friends with her? (I miss her terribly and I'm hoping she calls up) and should I ask her about her new b/f?

 

I feel so lost and hopless. I think she doesn't miss me at all coz the last 2 yrs have been a roller coaster ride with constant fighting and it was very stressful. So, the chances of her even thinking about coming back are very slim.

 

Thanks a lot,

Yo.

[Rickster]

"At this stage, it is suggested that you take some action instead of waiting. However, bare in mind, you could not make someone love you. If she still want you, she would accept you back."

 

Someone said that earlier in this thread. SuperDave do you think this is the right thing to do? Or do you still think NC will come out with better results.

 

Ive been doing NC for 2 weeks. And I always check up on her on the internet. Whenever I talk to her I always end up saying "as friends do" which like makes the conversation really awkward, cause Im trying to prove a point that we are friends now. So this is another thing to avoid. Don't try to prove you are her friend by saying it.

 

To yo... you almost have like exactly the same situation as me. Almost exact.

[SuperDave71]

Yo....

 

It amazes me that you are asking questions after reading this thread. NC is the way to go. I know you miss your ex. I miss mine as well...but I am so much better because of NC. If you ex calls, DON'T answer. She has a man and doesn't need to speak with you. It will be one of the hardest things to do (Not to answer) but DON'T DO IT...yet. She needs a wake up call. She can't go out...find a new man and expect you to sit and wait for her to play with your heart. I suggest you get your backbone back. I know you love her... I knwo you miss her but come on man...you can do this. She needs to realize that you will not be there for her. She needs a taste of reality. Don't call, write, or make an other excuse to contact her. I bet if you do this, your phone will start ringing more and more. There are no guarantees...BUT I think you know what NOT TO DO. If you do any of the things I mentioned in this theread....I promise you ...you will feel 100% worse when you write me a post asking me how to fix it. **You have been warned**

 

No hold you chin up and realize you are somebody with..or without her

 

 

 

Give it time....love her by letting go.....for now.

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

SueBob,

 

 

 

You being obsessive.....Not loving! Stop checking his mobile phone.

 

If he is lying in any way form or fashion....why would you settle for a liar?

 

If he lies to her about you.....he will lie to you about her.

 

 

 

It's truly a no win situation.

 

 

 

--SuperDave71

[yo]

Thanks Superdave.

 

I feel so much better after reading your post. I've been doing NC but have not been able to keep it up. I had lunch with her last week where she was very abusive and told me that 50% reason for her dumping me was I was not giving her a commitment and 50% was she loved this guy.

 

So, the next day I wrote her an apology letter telling her how sorry I was for all the wrongs I had done for 4 yrs. But, I never mentioned anywhere that I want her back. I had to return some money I owed her. So, I put the letter in an envelope with the check and gave it to her. That was a week ago and after that she's not bothered to call me at all. And I have not called her. And I don't think I ever will.

 

But, there was this faint hope that would call me and tell me that I wasn't so horrible to her.. I don't even know if she's read the letter. But, it doesn't matter. I won't ever think about her... I will continue the NC and won't pickup her calls.

 

Thanks again Superdave.

 

-YO.

[scorchio]

hi all,

 

I have being doing N/C for about 3months (she dumped me 4 1/2 months ago) now which has made me come along alot, I am growing stronger.

 

I want to be a positive person I want to appear happy stronger moving on

 

up to a point I am, would love her to come back to me tho and that phone to ring out of blue.

 

my question is, she has not contacted me since we split (4 1/2 months ago) not even seen eachother, I read alot of posts where its good to appear to your ex you are moving on stronger etc ........ and alot of people even see there ex's in passing (I dont)

 

Can this still have an effect to your ex (the dumper) if you have had NO contact at all ????

 

Is it even more of an advantage to you (the dumpee) that there has been no contact phone text sight anything ???????

 

Anyones advice please !!!!!!!!!

[SuperDave71]

Scorchio,

 

 

You need to get the thoughts of "Out of sight, out of mind" out of your head. You seem to be on track to me. You do not need to "appear" at all. You need to just be you. Don't make a weak attempt to just show up where your ex will probably be. You have more common sense than that. Keep doing what your doing....become stronger. I am sure she misses you...

 

 

My question to you is....have you fixed YOUR issues yet? Are you still working on them? What were they?

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[scorchio]

hi superdave,

thanks for your advice - as ever, always helpfull

 

I am growing stronger,

 

I just worry that in 4 1/2 months of being split up, that is a long time and too much time has passed for her to miss me or think about me or even in time to realise her mistakes etc.

 

if she had met someone, does that spell doom for the future me and her ??? i dont hold false hopes on a reconcilliation just would be nice

 

I suppose its the above two statements that are causing me the most hurt and probably the biggest thing to stop me totally getting stronger, im sure this not unusual tho.

 

I am moving on slowly, I do realise she isnt the only one out there for me, but as im sure u can understand i would take her back at this point in time because of the love i feel for her and her daughter.

 

im not sure about my issues really, spose looking at it, too trusting give too much love to easily.

 

she had alot of issues regarding being treated well by me, she loved me etc just found it difficult to be open with her feelings through being treated badly in relationships etc

 

sorry if this post has gone on a bit LOL

[DepressedEternal]

No, not well said! I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would think that letting go of someone who is already leaving is the way to get them back. Has like everyone contracted some kind of dumb@$$ supervirus? This is the most patently, blatantly, obviously wrong and counter-intuitive relationship advice I have ever, Ever, EVER seen, bar absolutely none.

 

It's like publishing a book called Firefighting: The Lighter Fluid Enthusiast's Guide. What's the WORST thing you could do when something is already falling apart? Even worse than actually TRYING to sabotage it and make it fall apart faster, is to simply walk away, let it take its' course, and do nothing! Are you actively trying to ruin people's relationships by posting something up like this? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[SuperDave71]

Only 3 words...

 

 

 

Ignorance is bliss....

 

 

--SuperDave71

[DepressedEternal]

Only 1 word: WRONG!

[Enn]

I'll give you the alternative, DeeplyD - after a too-short period of NC your ex asks you out again, you accept too soon, then he feels obliged to mess you about on the details and is foul to you. You resent him so much by the time you go on the date that you screw it all up.

 

That's the position I'm in now, and I wish I'd stuck to NC. I will after the 'date.' These people think they can do anything...NC makes them miss you and think again. It also, as Dave keeps stressing, stops you making more mistakes. If I cared about someone, I'd go after them. Wouldn't you?

[Echo]

Wait....you guys have to remember DD is the one who has done everything short of kidnapping his ex and dragging her off as a way to "prove his love'. NC MUST be stupid, right??

Maybe we should be following his advice...which is to basically harass, stalk, annoy trespass, and be belligerent about anyone ELSE's wants or needs but our own....YEAH THAT'S the ticket..that should make them swoon

[Echo]

Depressed....

 

You are showing your "rational" by coming onto a message board BEGGING for advice but discarding and condemning the advice given!! EVERYONE is in agreement that what you are doing is WRONG....to ME the majority rules. Calling us "jerks" is far from rational when we are telling you what we feel is the RIGHT course of action to take.

 

You are ALSO showing how ignorant and selfish you are by thinking only YOUR way is the right way. Believe me, the people here advising you HAVE been where you are...so they KNOW what they are talking about...but whatever. When you find yourself with a restraining order or in jail for stalking, maybe you will rethink our "Rationality".

[DepressedEternal]

Not going to bother saying anything else. Unproductive. And I guess someone just deleted my post. Whatever. Won't be coming back here any more, so it makes little difference.

[WantMyBabeBack]

Hello,

 

I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 4.5 years because he wasnt happy with our sex life, this is the second major breakup - the last one in april this year - after working really hard to get back with him we finally did in july. However we broke up again on august 14th after a terrible row and I walked out of his house. I was so angry with him I didnt speak to him for a week. Our problems all boiled down to the fact that I had problems when we had sex - however he has always thought I've been making it up because "I couldnt be bothered" or whatever. I have just found out that I have something wrong that stops me enjoying sex. I need him to go through the therapy with me as it cannot be done alone - you have to do it with your partner.

 

I thereforeeee had to message him to let him know of my problem so that he knew I wasn't lying when I said i didn't enjoy the sex and his answers have been so blunt and as if he doesnt care.

 

I'm so lost I don't know what to do. It took a lot for me to go for help and get this sorted - I did it whilst we were together - for him, for us, but only got the result after we'd split. I feel like I've done it for nothing.

 

I want him back so badly you have no idea, and have been texting him with questions because im confused as to how the whole thing happened - it was out of an argument and sudden. He was completley and utterly in love with me five weeks ago, how can someone change just like that?? we had talked about marriage and everything. I've always given my all to him and am so confused and hurt.

 

All I want is to have him back in my arms and he knows it. There is no one else in his life and he isn't looking. I just don't know why he doesn't want me anymore yes we had our ups and downs - every relationship does but we were fantastic together, he even admitted the other day we wanted the same things out of life, we have been through so much together and all he can say is "The main reason why I don't want to get back with you is because I dont feel the same about you anymore". I've heard it all before.

 

He agreed to meet up with me on friday to talk - I took everything in that he said and gave him my responses - as to why and how things happened the way they did - he thinks things went on in the relationship that didnt - for example if he reassurred me about something but i still worried he used to get mad because he saw it as me not listening to him. I tried to explain that someone cant just stop worrying like that and just because i didnt stop worrying it didnt mean i wasnt listening to him- things like that really - his reasons for wanting to breakup just dont make sense - he was thinking things that just werent going on, ive explained all this to him but hes still the same.

 

It hurts so bad, cos I love him so much.........and he did love me.......I just don't understand all of this.............I'm trying to give him his space but it hurts not seeing him.......and I'm always wondering what he is doing.............I have loads of friends and have been out loads, but I just can't enjoy myself........he's the one I want to marry - I always have done and he knows it.....................

 

I just want him back in my arms...........what do I do???

 

 

 

[suebob1]

thanks superdave, i know i should just forget about him and move on i am in some ways however i am not ready to get with anyone else, i know he lies to her about me but he doesnt lie to me about her anymore as i dont ask about her anymore i know all i need to know and it would appear that she really doesnt mean that much if he lies to her about staying at our house, i just wish he would come home, i know things could happen between us but i definitely do not want to be the other woman even if i did think selfishly and think ha she means nothing but at the end of the day i would not feel good. i dont know what i can do to get him back i suppose nothing if he wanted to be with me he would be here!!! is it a good sign that he is coming to see me even if is only oce a week do you think this is a sign that he is testing the water??? eventually i am just going to say look once a week is not good enough, alos he still hasnt taken anything more from the house why?? he is still paying half of everything why???

[fantasia2004]

SuperDave,

 

 

Here is the thing, I do miss my ex and it has been 2 years since he has broken things up with me.

 

I still feel guilty to this day as if it is my fault and I deserved the mistreatment.

 

This has caused me to withdraw from others and reserve myself believing of not deserving love from anyone in the future.

 

I have caused myself to push others away from me to avoid being hurt, and due to my eradtic behavior, I lose others as well. I can't help but think in the back of my mind that I lost everything my self respect my diginity and then some.

 

I felt he got the better half and is doing very well, better than me.

 

Just that awful feeling that is all.

 

Do you not sometimes miss your ex Superdave? Even though not as much as before like I have missed my ex in the same manner?

[SuperDave71]

fantasia2004,

 

 

Of course I miss my ex. I do not, however, miss all the arguments and whatnot. I still love my ex. Let me give you a piece of advice. If you dwell in the past, you can never move forward. I used to be like you. I would sit and punish myself and blame myself for pushing people away. I thought to myself, "What's wrong with me?" The fact was...there was nothing wrong with me. I just took it way to personal. After I realized it wasn't me...I started looking at myself in a new light. Life is way to short to be lonely or even worse....attached to someone who doesn't love you for you.

One of my favorite movie quotes was from "Shawshank Redemption"...The quote is as follows.

 

 

"Get busy living...or get busy dyin"

 

 

My guess is you want to live....Tomorrow is a new day and anything can happen. Break out of you shell and become the beautiful butterfly your supposed to be.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

--SuperDave71

[yo]

Hey Superdave!

 

It's soooooooooooo good to read your posts. I feel so much stronger each time I read your post!

 

Hey man, I think if you publish a book on 'how to deal with breakups', you would be a millionaire overnight

 

Thanks for helping us all out man. You're the BEST!

 

- Yo.

[SuperDave71]

Yo,

 

 

 

That is probably the nicest thing anyone has said....Thank you so much. I really appreciate the positive feedback.

 

 

I know I needed all the help I could get ..I am just trying to give back some advice that I followed...

 

 

Again, thank you so much!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71