You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[EyesOnThePrize]

You may want to make this a separate post. It might get more views/replies that way.

[HoTung]

How do I do that?

[EyesOnThePrize]

How do I do that?

 

Just start a new thread and copy and paste what you wrote into that thread.

[HoTung]

i failed and called and emailed him today - i am useless

[npc24]

done it just the other day, a work IM, he didnt even respond but stayed online.

it was kind of a good moment for me, cuz i realized what a loser he just might be

[Brokenhearted87]

Oishka/groan/cringe.....think I can safely say in the last few weeks I have done everything you shouldn't do. He thinks I'm a nut case!](*,)

[HoTung]

yeah and i found out he had a drunken snog at a stag do two weeks ago - the weekend after he last contacted me ...he said it was meaningless but i haven;t even looksed at another bloke. He really has no intention of any reconciliation with me

[prettyinpink22]

can anyone give me some advice on my situation?

 

my boyfriend of over a year says he needs some space because i fight too much (i admit i fight more than i should but its about things that were important to me). so we talked more about it and he says that when we broke up for 2 months in july, he gave me flowers a few times and kept texting and calling even though i didn't reply all the time, and he says that he wants to to show how much i care about him. he gave examples of visiting him more than one (we go to college in indiana, so im from indiana, he's from maryland and thats where he is for the summer) and also doing things for him (aka making/buying him things).

 

so he says he wants "space" but then says he wants me to basically kiss his ass to try and get him back.

 

my initial thought was since he kept talking about how he waited for 2 months before when we broke up, so its like he's punishing me for doing that to him by basically doing it back to me. idk if this is true, just what i came up with when i was analyzing the situation...

 

what is up with him?????????? any opinions/advice?

[uk_incoming]

Give him space, make him kiss your ass!

 

How can you tell if you have done irrepariable damage & no amount of NC will make them miss you.

 

Like.....if you called them too much or pestered them after the breakup for a month.

 

Would NC still have the same effect after doing things like this?

[Litgirl01]

Give him space, make him kiss your ass!

 

How can you tell if you have done irrepariable damage & no amount of NC will make them miss you.

 

Like.....if you called them too much or pestered them after the breakup for a month.

 

Would NC still have the same effect after doing things like this?

 

Go NC UK!!! LOL

[Dancerdlk]

How do you deal with the break up of an emotional cheater?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

This is my first time on this website but i have found the articles and threads to be quite inspirational and helpful. I really need some help and advice now and i was hoping that your insight and wisdom will help me.

 

I met my ex-boyfriend (oh god it hurts to say that) two years ago this summer. I had just gotten out of a five year relationship and my connection with M (we'll call him this for now) really was strong. We hung out a few times - we worked together and flirted constantly. I really wasn't in the position to be in a relationship, but nor was he. However, he really courted me and swept me off my feet, and i really did get swept up. Before i knew it, he was obsessivly in love with me. To the point where he was asking me to marry him every ten minutes, and planning out our life together. We went to Hawaii, Rome, and had this WHIRLWIND romance... it was the most amazing time of my life and he made me so happy...

 

Then he got into medical school. The school was located in a different area of the state we lived in and it was a place that really held no future for me. But he begged me to live with him and move in with him. He thought that I would be really successful down there and we could begin our life together. This was one year after we started dating.

 

Then the problems started, i had a bit of a breakdown in the fall due to the change of enviornment, job changes, hormones, etc. He was extremely supportive and kind and stood by me the whole time and reallly was there for me. He was the only thing i had and i was so grateful. He loved me just so much..

 

then the spring semester started. I noticed the texts and love notes and cards that were always so ever present really diminsihing. when i tried to talk to him about it, he would just blow it off and say everything was fine, etc. I thought that my actions from the fall (I really had lost my mind at times) had put some permenant damage on our relationship. but he kept saying, just lets move forward.

 

I found out that I got into Columbia University for graduate school and we tried to talk about how to make it work next year. he even suggested that we move north a bit and both commute but it wasn't really condusive and decided to just not live together next year. he would live with a friend and i would move to nyc. (We live in Philadelphia right now).

 

But then the loss of interest got stronger and i noticed. I pushed harder to see what was wrong. the man who fought for me all the time simply stopped caring. I stopped trusting him.. he would go to medical conferences and not get home until very late and i started to worry that he was getting feelings for another girl.. all the signs were there... new wardrobe, lots of cologne, hiding his phone, always keeping it on silent, always on it, constantly getting dressed up to go to school. And when i confronted him, he kept saying it was nothing and kept getting more upset. Until finally he told me that he thought we were fizzlign out and needed a break.

 

Of course although i knew we were having problems, i wanted to work through them. And he just didnt know what he wanted. he said that his feelings changed and our relationship wans't condusive anymore. He felt that we were in a dream world the first year and now we were in reality. He was always getting mad and frusterated with me and didnt look forward to comnig home at night. He didn't want the responsibilty of being in a relationship and dealing with it and medical school. He swore up and down that there wans't anyone else and it wasn' about an "upgrade or trade in". He just wanted to be alone and "things change".

 

Well.... I found out that one week later he went on a date with another girl from his class at school. I was heartbroken.. my mind has constantly been thinking about it.. about her, what they talked about, if they kissed... etc. I am going crazy now. I asked him about it and he kept saying it wasn't about anyone else.. thats not why we broke up. And it was not my business anymore - we weren't in a relatinoship. (BTW we live together still due to school but living in two different rooms). Finally a friend told me that he was taking her to a formal event i was supposed to attend with him... I can't tell you how crushed i am. When i confronted him again, he still denyed it until someone told him that he had to tell me. He said there was someone he was interested in , and they only had one date. But i know it is serious... i checked his phone and saw all the texts... omg there were so many...

 

i believe he has been having an emotional affiar with this girl for awhile. and broke up with me so he could take it to the next step with her. He liked her better and was so sick of dealing with me and our problems. And he has the nerve to tell me that he isn't "crossing me off" and he "does care and love me" which i don't believe. He blatently lied to me about things with her...

 

oh god... how do i get over this? I know i have to focus on other things.. etc.. but its dibilitating. I am so low.... I dont know how to get out of this hole. and whats worse, is i still want to get back together... i miss him so much and i know he doesn't miss me but i still love him. How can he do this? I am alone and he found someone new SO FAST! after everything we've been though...

 

what do i do? I have been reading alot about NC and i tried to implement that but that jut made it easier for him to get together with her.... Of course i want him back... but more so, i just want him to miss me and be lonely as i am.. and he's faling in love with a new girl - the same thing he did with me... He just shut me out, erased me from his life... and moved on... (thats how he is, I call him Boom Boom Bye Bye M - he says goodbye to something, its forever and he doesn't look back). I hate that i want him back or that i want to work things through.. but he lied to me.. the night he went out with her, he lied to me - told me that he was going to a friends house, then home... AND HE WENT OUT WITH HER! I found the receipt and my friend saw him there with her... what do i do.... What do i do?

 

Please.... i beg you... advice or insight please...

[chmny]

Give him space, make him kiss your ass!

 

How can you tell if you have done irrepariable damage & no amount of NC will make them miss you.

 

Like.....if you called them too much or pestered them after the breakup for a month.

 

Would NC still have the same effect after doing things like this?

 

I was actually seriously wondering about this myself. I unfortunately discovered this site too late I guess. I did everything wrong as far as constant contact and all which drove them further away. I realized what I did and sent a message basically apologizing for the way I was dealing with things and expressed that I still would be open to work on things. I will now try to allow space and time to do it's thing but I feel I may have really messed it all up with what she viewed as my annoyance of constant contact. Has anyone ever seen their ex come around after that and will NC not be as effective because of that?

[Milosahosel]

Just wanted to share hollywood's version of no contact. For the unititiated, Mike was dumped by his girlfriend of 6 years an Trent is his buddy trying to get him through it. I think I'm living this movie right now....

 

 

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Trent: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Trent: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Trent: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Trent: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Trent: Right.

Mike: Well that sucks.

Trent: Yeah, it sucks.

Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Trent: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike: What do you mean?

Trent: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Trent: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike: There's the rub.

Trent: There's the rub.

[ieatglue]

I've been planning this same conversation for months now. I really doubt I'll ever get to use it. Life blows.

[Landon]

Dave,

Have a quick question. I know nc is the way to go to start healing i just cant because we have a son together.. But when we do talk i try to keep it short and tell her i have to go.. and when i have to see her i act very happy and gittery and of course am very nice to her. Am i doing the right thing, i really want her back but i want her to come back to me damn near begging for another shot. thanks dave

[greywolf]

Dave,

Have a quick question. I know nc is the way to go to start healing i just cant because we have a son together.. But when we do talk i try to keep it short and tell her i have to go.. and when i have to see her i act very happy and gittery and of course am very nice to her. Am i doing the right thing, i really want her back but i want her to come back to me damn near begging for another shot. thanks dave

 

 

Hey Landon, this is starting to sound like it's a lot more about pride rather than wanting her back.

[Landon]

it has nothing to do with pride at all, i just know if she wants to come back to me and just let her right then and there that it will end up a repeat of her breaking up with me over something stupid.

[lillybee1982]

I read where sometime you just wait a while before you contact them, and then try to just be friendly. Others have said don't call ever again. I'm confused. Right now I just want to call my ex. It has been 1 month n/c. He broke up with me. I don't think I did anything wrong. Here is a summary of what happened: Sorry it's pretty long...but I need all the advice I could get from whoever can give it! Please help

 

I was dating this guy for 2 months. At first everything was great. We talked for hours on the phone. He introduced me to his friends, he opened up about a lot of personal things, he even talked about things he would like to do with me in the future. I was really good to him and him to me. He took care of me when I got sick. We cooked for each other our favorite things; had great sex all the time. But I started to notice he drank a little bit too much, and his father was an alcoholic so I commented on how it worried me. We went to a party one day and he got drunk & he was the only one that could drive (stick shift). I talked to him about it days later and he seemed understanding. But then he started going on online dating sites again. I asked him, & he said he was just curious but only wanted to date me. The weeks after that he became more distant, cold. During this time he did not feel like going out with me that much, and just stayed in doors if I saw him. He always said it was because he did not have enough money. But I suggested doing things that did not require much money, but he would get annoyed. The last time he initiated contact to see each other he asked me to bring him booze too! We spent the night together again (becoming just a night thing). Then next day he wanted to take off to the gym but I was annoyed and asked him why we did not spend any time out anymore. We ended up spending the day together and it was nice. He got a little intimate and cuddled on my chest while we where watching TV and he fell asleep. That day and the next he referred to me as his girlfriend. I did not expect that!

 

But then the following week he does not initiate contact and is hanging out all the time with his friend who was broken up with his girl. I wanted attention too. I was not opposed to him seeing his friends alone... I just had not seen him for a week and a half and he spent a lot of time with his friend. The guy’s father was dying but I felt that he was just using that as an excuse. But I never once said anything to him against what he was doing. I was just waiting my turn. Maybe he was already seeing someone else, but could not find the way to break-up with me yet. On a Saturday, he was going to have dinner with his mom but I asked him to call me when he was free. He called me at 1:30am texting wazup?? I asked why he was calling me so late when I wanted to get together earlier on, he said he was with his friend but forget it then if I was complaining. I ignored the text and then an hour later he text back "exactly". Confused I called back wondering what the heck was that about. He said I was ignoring his text. I said what do you expect...you said forget it. I went off a little on him, telling him how would he feel if it was reverse? He said he did not want to talk at that moment and would call me the next day but never did.

 

I got in contact with him again 3 days later, and he told me he did not intend on not calling me ever again, but that he was really depressed ( his broken recovering leg; his career stability; money; family..ect) and was pushing everyone away. I told him I would be there for him and before anything I was a friend.

 

I was really missing him so the next I called him and asked him I could see him that night after work and he agreed. When I went to see him he was drinking and watching TV and seemed really depressed/ annoyed. We talked and laughed some during the night. I cooked myself something and he asked me to fix him a plate. And at one point I kissed him and HE started getting frisky. I stopped it but then at the end of the night when he asked me if I wanted to stay or not, I ended up staying. But he really pushed to have sex. I had never seen him so aggressive. Afterwards he told me of a nightmare he had a few nights before about me chasing him with a knife, but how he was surprised that he did not stand up for himself, but ran away instead. I told him that was pretty messed up, and that it seems like the dream was his subconscious thinking he is going to get hurt and that woman are going to hurt him. The next two days he was cold, I wanted to make plans for the weekend, but he kept blowing me off. At the end of the weekend I was so depressed about him saying he would call me to make plans but never following through, but instead would hang out with his friend. So I went to his house unannounced to talk to him. He did not answer the door. I left a voice message telling him I did not understand why he was acting like this and why could he not even face me! He called me the next day saying that his friend saw I came to the door and did not answer because he knew that it would piss him off and it reminded him of his ex when she went crazy on him. I asked how come his friend was there? And it was because they had been up drinking all night, and he did not hear the door, but that his friend said I rang like 20 times. I told him that if he needed space that was fine, but that I really wanted to give us a chance and I did not want to throw everything away. I wanted to talk to him in person and he said he would call me later on when he got home. Never did.

 

On his birthday I text him “happy birthday” and he responded thank u. Nothing after that.

 

Everything was really good at the beginning and I think because I did not like his drinking and with all the other issues he has he pushed me away. Unless that was just an excuse. I was really… really good to him. I don’t get it? He has trust issues/ commitment issues (even though I never pressed anything on him and wanted to see where things could go), / past relationship anger and bitterness that reflects on all women he has dated since/ drinking too much when upset/ depressed. In the end he was just ignoring me, and I wanted to talk to him in person but he stood me up.

 

 

After reading some of these threads I see where I could have done things differently. Please help.

 

Maybe I did not fit into his party type personality...maybe I was not the model he thinks he deserves... maybe I slept with him too fast...maybe he sabotages his relationships (he did make the comment 'women are the root of all evil...and all their claws come out after 3 months...they all try to control you...) maybe he thought I was too nice...I don't understand.

 

Did I do something wrong?

What can a woman say or do that will make a guy consider taking her back. He broke up with me. After a month of no contact how should I approach? email him/ or call? All you guys out there… and ladies that have gone through this… what should I do? What would be convincing and not weird or awkward? Should I even try.

 

Last big question... from what you read... any ideas on what happened on his side?

[brian123]

Lilly> The guy is an alcoholic. It runs in his family. Shouldn't that be enough to make people stop wanting to drink? He sounds pretty irresponsible to me. Thank yourself that you only wasted 2 months with this guy and move on. Keep up the NC and the good work.

 

I've learned the hard way, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

[baddasslegend92]

Lilly> The guy is an alcoholic. It runs in his family. Shouldn't that be enough to make people stop wanting to drink? He sounds pretty irresponsible to me. Thank yourself that you only wasted 2 months with this guy and move on. Keep up the NC and the good work.

 

I've learned the hard way, you can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

 

You are right about that!

[mint_tea]

Hi, I just want to say that I've been lurking around this thread for a while and it has helped me tremendously!!

 

Could someone help me? We're 19/20. My ex and I tried to be friends for a couple weeks (he broke up with me a month and a half ago), but I realized that it's just to hard. So on Saturday I went NC...I slipped up that night and IM'ed him "hey" and he apologized and said he was going to bed, but that he would talk to me after work the next day. I made a conscious effort to not be online the next day. I removed him from my buddy list and blocked him temporarily.

 

Last night he IM'ed me. I fought so hard to ignore it, but I gave in:

 

him: hey

me (waited a few minutes to respond, which is unusual and he knows it): hey

 

**more time goes by**

 

him: how's it going?

me: pretty good.

me: you?

him: not bad, kind of bored and saw iron man earlier, it kicked a**

 

**no response from me for 5-10 minutes**

 

me: sweet

me: hey i gotta go. P is gonna be here soon

him: what are you guys doing?

me: prob watching a movie

him: oh cool

 

I signed off without saying anything else. P is our mutual friend who has a thing for me (we're not seeing each other though).

 

How did I do???? I'm resuming NC, by the way. At least, No First Contact..

[lillybee1982]

I think you did great. It's understandable that you felt the need to contact him. But now you are in the possition of power. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS> he initiated with you... OMG I would love my ex to do that! and you where very casual and unneedy... then let the conversation go. That is great!!! Don't initiate with him. When he initiates with you be friendly (just friendly) no relationship talk...but don't be cold either (think best friend)....and continue keeping yourself busy and living your life. If he wants to be with you he will feel that he can lose you eventually and willl make a move to be in a relationship again...but don't take crumbs... If he wants to be with you tell him you value the friendship that you have had and would like more because you deeply care for him but that you both should take it slow.... SO don't throw yourself at him. The fact that you guys are on good terms too tells me that as long as he initiates most of the contact, dropping him a "hello, how are you" once a week or so is not a bad thing, so that he does not feel like you have fogoten about him completely and will avoid you... ( and guys can be very proud ) Point is : keep it friendly while being busy.... that will let him have space and see things for what they are...and put away (hopefully) any unrealistic fears of getting close to someone.

 

That is what I would do.... I could be wrong... but you'll figure it out..

 

I wish I had a good plan for myself... maybe I can't do anything in my situation

 

good luck to you..

[angel1980]

after a bad weekend of falling out, my BF said he wants some space and a break to see how he feels. he sais he knows he loves me but he just wants to try and work out in his head if he really wants to be in this relationship and wants to spend sometime concentrating on himself. i told him that i love him and want him but i will let him be and give him the space he wants and to contact me when he knows what he wants.

he said this yesterday afternoon... its been 24 hours now and i have been looking at my phone and email alot of the day. grrr. got something to do tomorow so it probably wont be as hard but i do know he will be expecting me to give in and contact him coz i always have done. this time it really has to be different, he has to be the one to contact me if he wants me. its going to be the toughest thing ever not knowing when he will get in contact... some hepful words of adivce would be much appreciated.

[RedWingsFan]

I am in the same boat. "Figure things out" is kinda vague, you know? My girlfriend of 2 and a half years ended it suddenly to think about her future, and seeing that not all was perfect in the relationship, ran away instead of solved the problem.

 

I detailed the situation in the Breaking Up thread and would appreciate any feedback!

 

It's hard to do No Contact.

[angel1980]

LOL he text me. first time he has EVER text me first in this kind of situation and mentiond us. i usualy text him first to say i miss him etc or else in extreme times i cry and beg him not to end it. this time i just said i respect his decision for time alone and to contact me when he knows what he wants. he just text me saying that he feels so down and confused and that nothing in him wants ti be away from me yet it always proves itself to bring us back to this position.

i just text back to take as long as he needs coz i only want someone to be with me if they are 100% sure about it.

kind of feel its a break through that he made the first contact, coz i didnt go into the puppy dog act and gave him his wish, he comes to me first. wooopeeeeee