He says nothing happened....she gave him oral sex

[dwg1255]

I am an emotional wreck. I have just discovered that my husband contacted a former lover and she came to my house when I was out of town working. They had an affair 20 years ago, when he was married to another woman. He and I have been married for 7 years. I inocently discovered email that she had sent him while looking for something that my husband had sent one of our employees. I was sick. I immediately confronted him and he began trying to act as if he did not know what I was talking about. I told him that I had seen the email and that I knew that he had seen her. He did then admit that he had contacted her and that they had met for dinner...nothing else. He said that he had always found her easy to talk to and that he felt he needed someone to "talk to". He has recently started a new business and since she had worked for him before, he was considering offering her a job. I knew there was more to the story.

 

I went and confronted her....before he had had time to contact her and "get their stories straight." I found out from her that she had come to my house. Remember, I am out of town working.....for HIS business. She of course denied that anything happened more than talking.

 

I still knew that I was not being told the whole story. There were just too many missing links. One of the emails that I saw was her responding to an email from him where he was trying to send her a photo that she could not open. He said he had tried to send her a photo from their days together 20 years ago. I am NOT stupid. The photo had a ID number like our digital camera assigns to a photo....not one that he had scanned to send. I have a powerful gut and I knew that my suspicions were right. I did a search on his computer and found photos of HER in MY bedroom giving MY husband oral sex.

 

I am sick....he refuses to talk about it...He says nothing happened and my obsessing over it is going to destoy our marriage. He says he loves me and with me is where he wants to be...that she is nothing to him. I have not told him that I discovered the photos....I am scared....he will be so angry at me for snooping....but he lied to me....I knew my gut was telling me the truth and I had to find it.

 

HELP...HOW DO I SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

[melrich]

Do you want to save your marriage?

 

Ask yourself if you can live with the images you have seen? Do you think you could rebuild trust (this is the second time he has cheated on a marriage with this woman)?

 

If you can then the first thing I think you have to do is confront him with the truth because the first thing he has to do is acknowledge what he has done. Trying to pretend this did not happen will not work. It will just eat away at you and you will spend a good time of the rest of your relationship with this guy trying to find out what he is up to.

 

You must get him to acknowledge what has happened. You must set some hurdles for him to jump and he must work overtime rebuilding your trust in him and making up for what has been done.

 

Finally if you want to save the marriage you must be prepared to ultimately forgive (not necessarily forget).

[ksdreger69]

Saying that *you're* paranoid and that *you're* going to destory the marriage is classic blame shifting by someone who is having an affair.

 

Until he is honest with you and admits what he did, you can't save the marriage. He's undermining it. It also begs the question of why would you get in a relationship with someone who had an affair in the past?

 

Men who cheat have no moral compass and will cheat in the future if it serves their purpose. They're selfish and self-involved.

 

Honestly, I don't see how you could trust anything this man has to say in the future when he's proven he's untrustworthy on a consistent basis.

 

Better you leave him, take half his business and all of the household assets and find a man who will respect you.

[temperamental_taurus]

First off, I am SO sorry that you are going through this right now! I know what it feels like, to be cheated on... and you are in shock I'm sure. If you have pictures of them in your bed, doing those things then I'm sure more went on than just oral sex... and he has no right to be mad at YOU for snooping... when he is your husband and he's broken your trust by cheating. My gut tells me that if he slept with this woman before in his previous marriage over 20 years ago - that this woman isn't going anywhere... and will be a part of his life forever. He cheated on you... and the likelyhood of it occurring again is high. You need to figure out if this is something you're going to be able to handle going on if you stay with this man. *hugs* I know this is a rough time, hang in there.

[btbt]

His past behavior says it all -- he cheated on his ex-wife, and now he's cheating on you. Don't feel bad about snooping -- he should be the one who feels bad, but I'm sure he'll deflect it by saying, I can't believe you snooped etc.

[mgirl]

Well, i'm not really sure what to say, but if you want to confront him about the photos, you could say you were looking for something in the computer and accidently "stumbled upon them".

 

I don't know if i could stay with somebody who cheated on me, little lone who has lied about it.

[bellamcb]

This is a nightmare come true for anyone. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with previous posts that you need to figure out if you can ever forgive him. My suspicion is you need some time and frankly, he needs to be kicked out of your life and be forced to have time without you. Unfortunately that's what makes most people realize what they have- they have to lose it first.

 

The fact that he allowed her into your home, into your bed, must be so painful for you. I'm not sure how someone is to get beyond that but I'm certain it's been done before. But like others have said, he needs to own up to his actions and come clean. He needs to acknowledge what happened and ask for forgiveness. And most importantly, he needs to tell you in no uncertain terms that he is committed to the marriage and that he will do whatever it takes to make things right.

 

I know this is hard. My husband cheated on me before we got married (years before) and it blew my mind. It took a long time for him to regain my trust. It's just mortifying- the whole experience. The shock and the shame and even the embarrassment which who knows why we get because we didn't do anything wrong.

 

Remember though: you need to look after you. You are what matters here. Try not to worry about anything else besides what makes you feel better right now (aside from something hideous and harmful to someone else). Saving your marriage, while a major priority, should be secondary to saving yourself and making sure that you are okay. This may not seem possible but it's true. You need to empower yourself and do whatever you can to make sure your life is secure, healthy and happy.

 

Keep us posted. SO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS!

[armchairshrink]

Ugh! I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

I agree with the other posters. Decide whether or not you'll ever be able to trust this man again, and then confront him with the truth. BUT BEFORE YOU DO, COPY THOSE PICTURES SOMEWHERE ELSE. Like onto a CD that you could give to your lawyer for safekeeping. If he has even half a brain, he'll erase those pictures once he knows you know about them. Has he deleted those emails you saw yet?

 

Better still, talk to a lawyer first, to see how the images need to be handled to be admissible as evidence -- just in case you decide on divorce. Since altering a digital image is so easy these days, your husband could claim you 'photoshopped' them unless they're handled correctly. Don't worry too much about legal fees, because the emails and pictures together will probably ensure that HE'LL be paying for them.

[Hope75]

Hon,

 

I am so sorry this happened to you!

 

I think you need to come clean about finding the pictures. Obviously she does not mean nothing if they had an affair 20 years ago, and he got back in touch with her now and this happened. You have picture proof of oral sex, my guess is more than just that happened too.

 

Regardless, if you want to try and salvage this marriage, he is going to need to come clean himself and admit what happened and you will have to go from there, trying to rebuild trust and respect that you two lost through his infidelity. You should consider counseling.

 

Until he is honest with you and himself, and accepts responsibility for his actions and their consequences, you are not going to be able to move forward as a couple and try to repair this marriage.

[Good4Love]

So what I want to know is ... who took the pictures?

[dwg1255]

There is so much that has occurred since I wrote. I held it in as long as I could.....I finally told him I was not buying the whole nothing happened thing ....that I had found the photos...and I knew that she was in MY bed with him. When I finally confronted...there was SO much rage inside of me that I scared myself.....I went into a total fit of rage....I tore the sheets off the bed....I threw things....I screamed ....I cried..... I have never felt such rage in my entire life. He set there completely wide eyed and could not believe what he was seeing. He could not deny anything...I had the proof...so he did not even try...but he became extremely angry that I had found out. We both finally calmed enough that we could talk. I was able to tell him that I realized that the bottom line was that something had turned very wrong in our marriage for this to happen in the first place. I knew that we had been having problems.......and life had been hell recently.....but I never thought this would happen.

 

Some background here.....he lost a very powerful job 18 months ago....he went from a man who supported his family with a 6 figure income to a man struggling. He started a new business...but that has been a huge struggle too. His job lost was not only a huge blow but was a public humiliation state wide. Because of all the stress....we have begun to fight a lot.....I worry about finances.....and try to keep a tight rein on spending.....he feels he needs to spend to have the things the business needs....and the fights go on about financial issues constantly... I have gotten very angry at him about lots of issues recently.....and instead of just letting it slide and holding it all in...I let him know how unhappy with him that I was recently. I have always been supportive and loving ...but recently watching all our money slip away...and me struggling to rob Peter to pay Paul.....led to my finally blowing.

 

We had talked...we had worked things out....and I thought we were doing ok....again. This is not the first argument....and I figured would not be the last....but we love each other....and life is good.

 

He has suffered depressive moods over the last 18 months....and has had so many regrets for many bad choices in his life.

 

I will have to finish this later...interruption

[Hope75]

So what is going to happen to your relationship? Did he finally admit that something was happening between them? Did he apologize?

 

What will you do next?

 

(and losing a powerful job does not justify having an affair, in case he's trying to use that, or you are, to justify his actions.)

[AuroraMaria]

Oh, man. This would be a nightmare...

 

I don't have much to say other than... I'm really sorry this happened to you. And I pray to God that it won't happen again.

[AuroraMaria]

I agree with you, 100%.

 

I'd never be able to trust after something like this.

[Hope75]

I wrote:

You have picture proof of oral sex, my guess is more than just that happened too.

 

and that is exactly what I meant, that I think more than just oral sex happened. I am in no way saying that oral sex is less of an offense...it isn't. I was merely using the word "just" as a singular act vs. also the act of intercourse.

 

I think they are both equally offensive and constitute cheating and deplorable behaviour.