6 month review...ups and downs aplenty

[blackberry]

My ex-gf broke it off with me this past december, citing the fact that she didn't know if she loved me. Before the breakup, I had been having self-confidence issues about success, failure, finances, and my ability to take care of her in the long run. We were together for three years, but the last 6 months of the relationship were riddled with a few arguments, and me going into a phase of depression. Basically, I had graduated from college and didn't know what step to take next. Depression set in, and I let it control me. She didn't want to wait another year for me to finish what I really wanted to do in school.

 

For the past 6 months, it's been a rollercoaster ride, ups and downs galore. There are days where it seems as if I've moved on, gotten through this whole ordeal unscathed. But, there are many days where I've regressed to the point of infinite sadness and loneliness.

 

During this span, she has kept in contact with me...mainly through AIM, a few emails and phone calls. I've written a few posts on my situation on here before, I'll link them at the end of my post. With the contact comes days of NC, which pains and annoys me more than anything. Trust me, I know it's my fault that I haven't put my foot down until now...that, I can lay blame squarely on myself.

 

She's basically said that whatever happens happens and if it is truly meant to be, then it will be. It took a while for me to buy into that concept, because i was yearning to get it all back before long. I do regret how desperate I was initially after the breakup. Calling her, tell her that we can really work through this.

 

Let's fast forward. Back in March/April, we're still in quasi contact/NC mode, and she starts buying me gifts again. A shirt here, knick knack stuff there....just like before. I, of course, accepted the gifts, and also got her few myself. In our IM conversations, she starts giving me the IM kiss ("muah" for those of you not familiar). I'm confused, but get mixed emotions about that "kiss."

 

On my birthday, June 16th, she sends me a card and a gift. Tells me that she's really proud of me and how I'm preparing for my future. Gives me the "MUAH" in writing. At the same time, I noticed that on her Friendster account, she changed her "status" from involved to SINGLE. Boy, did that set me back a few months. On that particular day, I was angry/sad/pissed. But, it was different. I was only that way for a few hours...meaning I've begun to accept it. There's no timetable on acceptance, of course.

 

I've grown up more in the past 6 months than ever before. I'm pursuing my second degree here at LSU, and I'm working full-time, saving money, paying off loans, and steadily improving my credit...some things that I didn't really care about doing before. I'm good. I'm alright. I'm miss her...alot. But, this period of growth has made me realize one thing: that I only want her to be happy...wherever she's at, whoever she's with. That's all I want from this. I'm taking care of my business and my own happiness. All I ask and pray from god each night is for her to find that sense of happiness that I could not provide to her.

 

I'm sorry that this is long, lol. I've come a long way in the past few months. The tears are no longer shed, I'm beginning to smile again now. For all of you who are heartbroken out there, please realize that things will be okay. Experience that growth, and let happiness find you again.

 

(this is the post I had put before: link removed

[arwen]

Very well said, blackberry! I am glad you are feeling so much better and managed to improve your life.

 

Keep on going strong!

 

Ilse.

[heloladies21]

That's good, you've made good progress. Now the next step for you to do is sever all contact with her and start talking to other chicks again. You will then complete your healing.

[blackberry]

thanks for your replies.

 

Initially, I didn't know how the hell I would even try to move on. I was in a comfort zone that I didn't want to let go of. But I'm ready now. It's a freaking awesome feeling.