Is this abusive behavior?

[Jetta]

I'm wondering if it falls under a type of abuse. I personally consider a form of torture. I went to take a nap yesterday, and my now ex husband (who I'm still living with) woke me up 3 times in an hour and a half. It was to ask me why I was sleeping on the couch rather than in the bed, and other stupid questions. I normally don't take naps but even during the night he wakes me several times, generally because he's trying to get laid. If I say no he keeps trying which means I get no sleep.

 

I'm almost always tired because he always interrupts my sleep. Today I can barely function to take care of my daughter. It's nearly 1 p.m. and I'm just flat out exhausted. Whenever I go to sleep he does something to wake me up. Now my mom used to do this to me when she was mad at me. I would get home from work and go to bed, about 3 hours later (2 or 3 a.m.) she'd come in and start yelling at me about whatever it was at the moment. I'd end up having to get to school on about 3 hours sleep.

 

I don't go around interrupting peoples sleep so why they hell is mine always being interrupted? Telling him to leave me alone doesn't make it stop. I so want to move out, but I need a job and money to do that. So I'm stuck in the perpetual state because I can't function on little sleep. I really don't know what to do.

[trendyfcuk]

Wow, that's definitely not fun . I think you need to have a sit down talk with him. Tell him that you NEED sleep to function. How would he like it if you kept waking him up ?! I'm sure he'd get pretty annoyed. it isnt fair of him do this to you, people need sleep to function properly. And especially since you have a daughter to take care of. Try to talk some sense into him !

[annie24]

I wouldn't classify this as abuse. There are people here whose partners are hitting them, or threatening to rape them and such. This is just extremely annoying. Try to move out of that place as soon as you can. Until then, sleep in a room where you can lock the door.

[abcd1234]

You have to talk to him about this because it is obviously affecting you badly. Let him know that there is a time for talk and a time for sleep, tell him to stop interrupting your sleep because it is making you extremely tired and affecting your work. Going to work on 3 hours sleep is not healthy, it will affect you mentally as well as posing a huge risk to your safety (especially if you drive). If he refuses to accept it then you will really have to move out asap.

[RayKay]

Would not call it abuse...just disrespect, lack of consideration and a bit of revenge and selfishness!

 

Sleep somewhere where you can lock the door, tell him not to bother you and find your own place (or kick him out!) once you have saved the money.

[shes2smart]

Sleep deprivation can be (and has been) used as a form of torture for prisoners of war. It has also been used by cults as part of their "indoctrination" period. link removed

 

Now, while I don't know that what he's doing to you would fit a strict definition of sleep deprivation, I think it may be coming close. You are have symptoms simliar to what sleep deprived people have.

 

At best it's rude & obnoxious at worst it's abusive. You need to get out of there.

 

Possible stopgap option -- a key-locked door to keep him out (you can get replacement door knobs with locks at Home Depot or similar store) and some industrial-strength earplugs so you can't hear him.

[avman]

I think you are really overstretching the meaning of abuse.

 

This is very annoying yes, but I would not call it abuse.

[lillady898]

Sleep somewhere where you can lock the door

 

As ideal as this sounds, if your daughter is living with you (I don't know your whole situation and your daughters age) I don't recommend locking the door. If your daughter needs you it would be difficult for her to get to you if you're sleeping with the door locked.

[winterfairy]

Abuse is defined as a pattern of destructive behaviors. Does he do this all the time? Is it just this one thing or does he also call you names, play mind games with you, or try to control your life? If it's just this one thing, I'd say yeah it is deffinetely immature and annoying but I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse unless he is doing it all the time- with a specific purpose (like trying to make you exhausted enough to give in to having sex with him). Because *that* is abuse, and could also be considered a form of sexual assault.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Abuse is a word that all people view differently. I don't see how threads like "Is this rape?" or "Is this abuse?" can help an individual. If anyone ever has to question something to be that serious, then they probably have a problem. Who cares what it is called.

 

I say find a friend or someone else that you can live with until you find a job. (someone who trusts you, so you might be able to pay the rent with a delay)

 

It's hard to leave and start anew, but I imagine not getting sleep is hard as well. You can't keep staying with him though. You have a daughter to take care of and I suggest you move somewhere else as soon as possible. I doubt that he's going to stop, and if he's that annoying, I doubt you can talk to him about it. You can try, but if it fails. Leave.

[RayKay]

I think it has to be a PATTERN though with the right intent.

 

If you have a crying child that wakes you up all through the night, is that abuse? Yes you are sleep deprived, and you can tell the child to go to bed and stop bothering you...but if they keep at it...what if my partner snores in the night and wakes me up all the time, is that abuse?

 

It must be within a pattern, even the source you quoted inserted it as part of a greater pattern of behaviours and did not say that that alone would justify it as abuse.

 

I think calling this abuse does a great discredit to those who ARE victims of abuse.

 

He is selfish and inconsiderate, but I would not call it abuse.

[avman]

RayKay said it all. I still maintain this is overstepping the definition of abuse. If we start calling everything abuse that dilutes the cases where someone REALLY is being abused. Now if he's waking you up and keeping you up so he can yell at you - THATS abuse.

[Shidoshi]

What makes this sound a little strange is that he does it as if it really isn't all that bad.

I normally don't take naps but even during the night he wakes me several times, generally because he's trying to get laid. If I say no he keeps trying which means I get no sleep.

He believes he may get laid if he does this so how exactly are you reacting to him when he wakes you up? Are you calmly telling him to stop or are you yelling at the top of your lungs?

Telling him to leave me alone doesn't make it stop.

How are you telling him to stop? If you believe you're being abused I would think your reaction to this would be quite explosive.

[avman]

Thats not what she said. She said he wakes her up because he wants to have sex. Not that he won't permit her to sleep until she has sex with him. He's bugging her. I didn't see anything to effect of "he forces me to stay up until I submit to sex".

[abcd1234]

Sleep is necessary or we die--much like air, food and water. Yes, that's a fact.

Sleep is necessary but it is practically impossible for humans to die from sleep deprivation since fractions of a second microsleep sessions develop. It is personality changes and dementia that are the main problems in humans who have a lack of sleep.

[bellamcb]

She asked for advice and you guys are busily arguing over what constitutes abuse. Yes, the OP asked whether or not it's abuse, but that's not really the issue.

 

If it is bothering you so much, do what you can to get out, or kick him out. It sounds like you might be sleeping together still (since you said, "IF" i don't) so you should consider whether or not he has mixed signals and thinks the relationship still has a chance. If he does, and it doesn't, make it CLEAR and maybe he'll stop pestering you.

[Spirits Away]

Don't focus on being just. i don't think you're going to call the police for this sake, so it's pointless to think in this direction. focus on what you can do to help the problem

 

You've made the right choice by making him the Exhusband. I don't exactly know what time he goes to work or what time you sleep, but I suggest you don't sleep while he goes to sleep and sleeps while he's not home. Perhaps the best time to do that is while your daughter's in school. If he's home most the time, then i suggest you schedule a time to stay at your relative's place and get some rest there.

 

One thing you don't do is to let your exhusband have his way if he bothers you like this. Teach him that this way NEVER works, but not, sometimes work sometimes doesn't work.

 

You may also consider bothering him while he goes to sleep at every 45 minutes interval for small little things such as asking how to use the computer or just make paper noises or cleaning noises in the room (just be sure you get enough rest beforehand to do that yourself)

[Dannysgirl]

I would call it a form of mental abuse yes. Not being permitted to sleep is absolutely awful. I once lived with someone who did the same thing on a regualr basis to me, okay he also hid essential medication and told me I was fat and ugly all the time (when I weighed 80 pounds!) too so my ex's intent was a bit more clear cut than your situation.

 

However I still think its totally unnaceptable for somebody to do this. You NEED sleep to function properly. Please do anything you can to get out of there asap if not for your sake, for your daughter.

[Hope75]

Jetta,

 

I thought he moved out almost a month ago... you posted about that didn't you?

 

What's he still doing there?

[bleeder]

I would not term this as abuse, but some form of mental instability on his side perhaps? People with low self esteem sees a need to impose themselves on others in some form or another.

 

What you can do is to be firm, stand your ground. He needs to butt out if things get out of hand. To some, give them an inch and they would want a mile in return. So, play it wise.

[chai714]

If this is abuse, then I am filing a lawsuit against my neighbors dogs who bark every single night at 3 in the morning.

 

No, this is not abuse. It's rude, inconsiderate, and even controlling, but not abuse. In other words, this would not make it in any courtroom.

 

How can you stop him from doing this? Either sleep in a bedroom with a lock, wake him while he's sleeping because you "just want to talk," or quit giving into him when he wakes you (I suspect you are giving in, just to get your sleep). If you're doing this, you're training him and condoning his behavior.

[Jetta]

I asked if this is abusive because my 1st husband was abusive and I wanted to know if I was in a pattern of abusive relationships. I never deemed this husband as abusive but he does have some questionable behavior patterns.

 

This waking thing is a common occurrence. In the past I would give in so I could get some sleep. When I would say no he would continues to wake me throughout the night, and it would continue night after night until I said yes. I finally figured that just letting him was easier than not. My 1st never took no as an answer and was forceful. I do know what a truly abusive relationship is, I just wasn't sure about what he was doing.

 

I tried sleeping in another room but the bed was very uncomfortable. And there is no door on that room, my son ripped it off and badly damaged the frame. My daughter is almost 3 so there's no school or sleep breaks for me during the day. My ex will not be moving out. I have to move out. I tried getting him to move out long ago for a trial seperation. He won't leave. The house is in his and his parents name. The financing people left my name off for some reason.

 

I know I need to leave, and I want to. I've got apartments in mind I just need the job.

[Empathy]

Yes, this is abuse. There are different levels to abuse. You don't have to be raped or beaten within an inch of your life for it to be considered abuse. Like Satan (lol) abuse comes in many different forms. This is just a different level on the abuse spectrum. If what most of you all are saying is true then verbal abuse shouldn't be called verbal abuse... Anyways, it's obvious that his behavior is very inconsiderate and it is affecting your health as well as your daily affairs. This IS abuse. Maybe not as severe as being beaten with a baseball bat or being forced to have sex with someone but it's still abuse.

[lady00]

This is abuse. What he is doing does not in any way compare to any kind of accidental noisemaking (such as neighbors dogs barking because they don't know or care that they are affecting anyone's sleep) because this guy is deliberately and repeatedly depriving the OP of sleep in order to prevent her from functioning properly...he thinks that because she gave in in the past that she will eventually sleep with him if he keeps pestering her. That's abuse. Manipulating someone in order to try to get them to sleep with you or in order to mess up the quality of their life by deliberately preventing them from sleeping is abusive. In my mind, abuse = hurting someone on purpose either physically or emotionally (in this case, the psychological games actually also affect the OP physically in that she cannot function properly on so little sleep night after night). But honestly, it doesn't matter whether or not people agree or disagree on this point...what's more important is what to do about it.

 

Jetta--Do you have any family members or friends who will take you in temporarily? What happened with the real estate job (that was u, right)? I think the only thing you can do is some way some how, find somewhere to go because this situation is not healthy for you and it could endanger your daughter if you don't have the energy to take care of her and run around after her since she is so young.

[Jetta]

Yes I have the real estate license but it's not going well. I figured I'd keep my license active but get into it in another area of the business to learn more about it. I need to call and find out if I really got the mortgage closer job, and I hope to God I did. They were doing a background check on me.

 

My brother doesn't want me to move in with him because he thinks I need to learn to take care of myself he says. I do have a friend that if I asked may let me. I'm really trying to make this as least disruptive to my daughter as possible, so finding my own place is ideal.