Should I dump my lazy boyfriend?

[cattalk]

My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old. We go to the same college and have been dating for two years.

 

He came from a very poor family, lived in a run-down trailer with his mom and sister, who barely held a minimum job in their lives. He also doesn't have a car, and use my car as his legs. At times, this bothered me because it made our dating life unpleasant and inconvenient, but for the most part, I love him and I overlook the problem areas.

 

Recently however, I have discovered a rather unfortunate difference between us. I am a very motivated person. I have high aspirations and I try very hard to achieve my goals. My boyfriend, however, has not had a summer job for four years of high school and two years of college. This annoyed me very much since he could definitely use the money to improve his situation.

 

I have nagged him to find a job this summer. In the beginning he said he would look for one once the summer starts, which would be too late, I suggested, but he still waited. Then, he started sending out applications, but didn't follow up or send nearly enough. Because of all these delays, he doesn't have a job right now, and instead sits at home watching TV all day.

 

I confronted him about his lack of motivation, but he said he's not going to get all stressed out just because he doesn't have a summer job.

He even said I was being too materialistic?!!!

 

Give me a break! Should I dump my lazy boyfriend? He is sweet otherwise, but his lack of aspirations is getting on my nerves. I feel like we are from two planets.

[DragonGirl724]

geez,

 

i have a few similar issues with the guy im seein.

 

you dont have to settle for anyone you dont want. you know youre not materialistic, you are goal oriented as well as motivated and have ambition.

 

he lacks those things....if it pisses you off, there is nothing wring with breaking up with him for not being able to conduct his life in such a way that works for the both of you. not ONE person has to be the breakwinner of a relationship...and his family issues you cant hold him reliabale for, which im sure you know, BUT the apple doesnt fall far form the tree my dear....he got this attitude from his home life. and the pattern will be VERY HARD TO BREAK. its all he knows.

 

people dont just break up with people because someone catches the other cheating or something, people breakup everyday b/c their partners arent what they want for a relationship. dont feel bad about it. dont give it a second thought if this guy isnt the guy you want to be with. dont settle hun. this will cause future conflicts in the future.

 

"ya cant teach an old dogs new tricks." its a cliche' because its true so many times...

 

-DG724

[RayKay]

Is he living on student loans right now? Just asking how he is funding his tuition and rent and so on..

 

What is his course work like? If it is really heavy, he might need that time off in the summer at the moment.

 

Well, it is up to you what you want to do...my guess is you already are inclined to do so. It is important that you are compatible with your partner, and share common goals I believe...if you can't accept his lack of working, then you are right to end it. I mean if you feel this attitude will carry forth, it may be something you need to seriously consider lest you end up living with someone who mooches from you...

 

You ARE in your rights to break up with someone if you feel you should, and no one can tell you that you MUST stay with them

 

But, money is not everything...he is making it work somehow right (I mean he is going to school and all). Ask him what his plans are for after school...does he plan on working right away afterwards?

 

I don't know the entire situation. I worked through high school and university, and it made it tough, but also taught me responsibility. I am planning to go BACK to school in a year after having worked last 5 and that program may leave little time for working, so I will be relying on loans for tuition AND rent/bills during school year - with plans to work in summer depending on how stressed out I am..to help pay off some of loans...it can be done, but I also know people who did not work at all during schooling to focus on it - some people can't juggle both.

[DragonGirl724]

raykay,

 

a summer job wont effect his school work. he'd be out of school.

 

the dude is just lazy in my opinion.

 

now its up to you cattalk whether or not you want or can handle that in a mate. either decision is fully your own and hey, maybe itll wake his butt up.

 

-DG724

[RayKay]

raykay,

 

a summer job wont effect his school work. he'd be out of school.

 

the dude is just lazy in my opinion.

 

now its up to you cattalk whether or not you want or can handle that in a mate. either decision is fully your own and hey, maybe itll wake his butt up.

 

-DG724

 

I know, but some people get so stressed out over year that they need the break...I did not say I AGREED with it, but it is possible. Does it point to laziness...possibly. I also know people who don't work in summer so they can follow some of their passions like adventure racing, travelling, volunteering and so on...so I don't know all the circumstances...

[DragonGirl724]

im not one to pass judgement but i think i know the kind of person your BF is. and it pissed me off too when i had/have to deal with it. you just have to weigh out the goods & bad's of being in a relationship with him...make a list of what matters most to you. whats MOST IMPORTANT to whats LEAST IMPORTANT in a successful relationship TO YOU. and then make a list of his good traits as well as his bad ones & how those traits make you feel.

 

the answer will be in black & white.

 

-DG724

[shes2smart]

He even said I was being too materialistic?!!!

 

Lemme guess...you're "materialistic," yet he's got no problem borrowing your car, having you pay if you go out, borrowing a few bucks? Yeesh. I dated one of those. He was bad news.

 

Give me a break! Should I dump my lazy boyfriend? He is sweet otherwise, but his lack of aspirations is getting on my nerves. I feel like we are from two planets.

 

What do you want for yourself? There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to create a better future for yourself...and if your vision for yourself includes nice material things, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes people who come from humble beginnings hold the belief that they can't do any better, so they don't even bother trying. Sometimes they use those beginnings to strive for something better.

 

The problem is going to come in when he wants to use HIS lack of motivation for creating a better life to keep you from achieving a better life for YOURSELF. I can't really tell from your post if this is happening, but if it is...oy...that's an anchor you don't need.

 

He may be the sweetest guy in the world, but if he's holding you back from the life you want for yourself, you're going to have to decide what's more important -- being with him, or being with someone else who shares your vision of what a "good life" is. If you decide it's more imporant to be with him, you may have to modify or give up the life you had originally envisioned. If you decide it's more important to pursue your vision, you may have to let him go.

[chai714]

Unless cheating was involved, breaking up is never a black and white issue. The more time invested, the more emotional ties there are. When love and emotions are present, logic tends to take the back seat. I don't believe she can make out a list, and then "see the light." If only life were that simple . . .

 

If you have discovered what you want (a breakup), then the next step is to come up with a reason (which makes sense to you, and which makes you feel good about yourself). Then, you will ponder it for a few days or weeks, followed by a course of action.

 

If your boyfriend is not in school AND not employed, then you both have different educational/career values, which would cause conflict. If he's in school and not working, but is a good student (or even an average student) then there's nothing wrong with a summer break. Good luck.

[RayKay]

Unless cheating was involved, breaking up is never a black and white issue. The more time invested, the more emotional ties there are. When love and emotions are present, logic tends to take the back seat. I don't believe she can make out a list, and then "see the light." If only life were that simple . . .

 

If your boyfriend is not in school AND not employed, then you both have different educational/career values, which would cause conflict. If he's in school and not working, but is a good student (or even an average student) then there's nothing wrong with a summer break. Good luck.

 

Agree, and agree! Breakups are never black and white, even in cheating though - even if you always vowed to "never remain with a cheater" it seems many change their mind once in it.....

 

And yeah, sometimes summer breaks are okay too...like I said, it really depends on many factors other than just what the original poster wants her boyfriend to do or thinks he should do.

[Day_Walker]

If you have goals in your life and those goals include buying nicer or even more material things then that does make you materialistic. Western culture is all about materialism its the reason why we have all the stuff we do. Obviously this is an issue for you about your bf's lack of motivation, what YOU need to decide is if this lack of motivation is a deal breaker. I will not tell you if I believe the reason to be justifiable because you need to decide that for yourself.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

You could dump him, but remember that A LOT of guys are like that, so you will have trouble finding someone not like that. I know so many girls who work hard at work and school, while they have boyfriends who sit at home and do nothing. This seems to be a common phenomenon in this culture. I think it is because there has been such a push to get females into colleges and different professions that guys have been left out and left behind. At my university, and at most universities in the Canada and the US, two-thirds of the students are female. Our society does not have the same expectations for guys as it once did, and that is why guys are falling behind.

[michelemybell]

Cattalk, You will come to find out as you go through life that love is not enough. Two people must have common goals, values, morals, etc. for a successful relationship. Common education goals and work ethics fall into that category. You two sound like you are on different pages, and I dont see this relationship lasting. As long as you stay with him, you will continue to be upset because he doesn't have the same value system as you.

I'm curious---How does he get by in life with no money? Does he live at home still? Who gives him money? I hope it's not you supporting him!!!

Personally, I would never want to be with someone who couldn't take care of himself--and that includes financially. When looking for a mate, you need to find someone who can take care of himself/herself in life, not a dependent individual.

Rain, Hugs..., It's not hard to find a guy that is interested in school and supporting himself. There are plenty of decent, hardworking guys out there. But, you are correct--it seems that there are many guys now who feel they can get away with not doing much---and WOMEN ALLOW IT. They gravitate toward these guys, and leave the decent ones behind. Then they complain and whine why their guy doesnt have ambition...

Michele

[DragonGirl724]

You could dump him, but remember that A LOT of guys are like that, so you will have trouble finding someone not like that. I know so many girls who work hard at work and school, while they have boyfriends who sit at home and do nothing. This seems to be a common phenomenon in this culture. I think it is because there has been such a push to get females into colleges and different professions that guys have been left out and left behind. At my university, and at most universities in the Canada and the US, two-thirds of the students are female. Our society does not have the same expectations for guys as it once did, and that is why guys are falling behind.

 

WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?! i think its crazy to think that it will be hard for her to find a guy with goals and thats willing to strive towards them!!! all my male friends and my brother are in school, are working, all own or want to own wonderful things and achieve so much for themselves and are working HARD TOWARDS THEIR ASPIRATIONS IN LIFE!! DO NOT fill this girl's head with the thoughts of she wont find a guy not like this...are you kidding?!?

 

AND WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION FROM???

 

there are MORE MALES THAN FEMALES AT UNIVERSITIES.

 

link removed

 

anyway cattalk,

 

i just needed to clear that up. and i would like to state that: no making a list may not make you find your DREAM MAN. BUT WHAT IT DOES DO is it is written in black and white WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU in order to find happiness and a successful relationship. and sometimes we are love blind and do not put into perspective whats REALLY IMPORTANT to us. and MAKING A LIST 'unblinds you' for a moment and lets you PHYSICALLY see the real deal, written BY YOU, in black & white. sometimes it helps to see it for yourself. try it out.

 

it helps you focus on what you want in a mate, what you'd rather do without and what YOU CANT STAND. then you can apply it to wherever you deem necessary.

 

 

goodluck,

-DG724

[Spirits Away]

I think that's a part of your boyfriend. It's up to you to accept him or not. But who knows? Maybe he'll be the one who will break up with you if you keep up with the nagging. Leaders motivate, even though it's not your job, it only means you've failed to motivate another human being. Somehow i find you to be the incompetant one. Nagging does more harm than good. You don't know how to communicate effectively. That's your part.

 

One of the poster got it quite correctly. There will be many many guys who are like that. I personally don't find that to be an unpleasant trait at all. All it is is that it doesn't benefit YOU. That's all there is to it. But as a reminder to you, you never know which guy got a whole scheme of plan in their mind. I just find that you've magnified a thing that you're really proud of (to work in highschool & in college) that you're seeing him not working as a flaw.

 

I got a friend who loves to talk about how people are so fortunate to not need to work throughout highschool and university. He loves to indulge into the topic because he did not go to university, not because he's poor, he's not. But because he was not qualified to get in a good post-secondary school. Then he blames that he's still in his 2nd year of college because he has to go to work. But funny thing is, he puts all his working money fixing his old car.

 

If you're smart, you'll be looking at how the guy spends money and what type of things he'll spend his money on. It looks to me the guy just doesn't find living standard to be an important issue. If you don't like it, i suggest you keep nagging, and things will lead its way for you.

 

Summary: That's him

[DragonGirl724]

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with her being a striving goal oriented gal, and wanting a guy who is the same.

 

and yeah she may encounter another lazy guy in the future, but heck there are lazy women too!! people sometimes ARE lazy. some ARE and some ARE NOT. to generalize and say MOST MEN ARE is quite unfortunate to the men in this world. personally im surounded by hardworking men in my life, and i know women who would much rather be a stay at home wife than to work.

 

 

 

IT IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY TO MANAGE HIS FINANCES!! she is NOT his mother and she is NOT his financial advisor!! she is his GIRLFRIEND who is SUPPORTING HIM! HE'S A BIG BOY NOW! he needs to grow up. i wouldnt tolerate this behavior.

 

 

 

IM SHOCKED YOU SUGGEST THAT NAGGING WILL SOLVE THIS OR ANY PROBLEM!

 

nagging just PISSES PEOPLE OFF! do not NAG this guy, if this is how he is and he doesnt mind mooching off his GF, & isnt willing to change to make himself more independent, then thats how he is.

 

take it or leave it....

 

-DG724

[DN]

He may be unmotivated now, while he is at college, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will remain that way for ever.

 

For instance: one man I know of, was a very poor student, he was considered lazy and never likely to make a success of his life. He barely scraped through the Sandhurst Military College and was sent to the Cavalry, at that time the only branch of the Army that would take him based on his marks. His father more or less told him he was disgusted with him and thought he was a good for nothing.

 

Later, he fought in various battles and became a war correspondent, then he left the Army. He became the most highly paid journalist of his time, won the Nobel Prize for Literature, served in most of the high political offices, led his country during the Second World War and was recently voted the most important Englishman of all time.

 

Some famous people and multi-millionaires never graduated college at all. Bill Gates for example.

 

His name was Winston Churchill.

[Mr Meh]

He came from a very poor family, lived in a run-down trailer with his mom and sister, who barely held a minimum job in their lives. He also doesn't have a car, and use my car as his legs. At times, this bothered me because it made our dating life unpleasant and inconvenient, but for the most part, I love him and I overlook the problem areas.

Like someone else said, maybe this is what he considers normal as it is how he grew up. How were you brought up? To be goal oriented and very motivated? How did you end up with the ethics you have?

main point here: This bothers you but you are kind enough to overlook the "problem".

 

Recently however, I have discovered a rather unfortunate difference between us. I am a very motivated person. I have high aspirations and I try very hard to achieve my goals. My boyfriend, however, has not had a summer job for four years of high school and two years of college. This annoyed me very much since he could definitely use the money to improve his situation.

Here you are saying that, since he is not like you, you are very annoyed and telling us how much he needs the money to be more like you.

 

I have nagged him to find a job this summer. In the beginning he said he would look for one once the summer starts, which would be too late, I suggested, but he still waited. Then, he started sending out applications, but didn't follow up or send nearly enough. Because of all these delays, he doesn't have a job right now, and instead sits at home watching TV all day.

Now you have decided to nag him to be more like you. Treating him like your son and teaching him about the ways of the world as you live in it.

 

I confronted him about his lack of motivation, but he said he's not going to get all stressed out just because he doesn't have a summer job.

He even said I was being too materialistic?!!!

OK so you confronted him finally about how he doesn't live up to your standards. He stated his opinion of the situation followed by his assessment of your character. Which leads to.....

 

Give me a break! Should I dump my lazy boyfriend? He is sweet otherwise, but his lack of aspirations is getting on my nerves. I feel like we are from two planets

.....a complete blow off of his opinion....Now you're looking for someone to cooperate with you in your assessment of what a lazy useless human he is, which you got in spades from most of the ladies on here.

 

All I hear is whining and intolerance. Nowhere do I see any evidence that you tried to have a heart to heart talk with him about how you want to live your life and how different your two opinions about working and goals are. Other than him borrowing your car I see nothing that indicates he is using you in any way. If he's not what you want, then you shouldn't be with him, but there is a huge difference between assessing common goals in a relationship and belittling and insulting someone because they don't live up to your expectations. I'm sounding harsh and of course we don't know the whole story, but I see a guy living his life in a relaxed and not-overly motivated way based, perhaps on his upbringing, perhaps on immaturity, but as he sees fit. And I see someone who wants him to live how she sees fit.

[Meow18]

I don't think this guy is nessecarily lazy. I think he is just unmotivated when it comes to finding a job. I've been looking for a job for awhile and it's hard work! I can imagine it being even harder for someone who isn't motivated to keep trying.

 

It could have to do with his past too. You said something about how his mom and sister could never hold jobs and they were poor. Seeing that probably made him grow up thinking that it didn't matter if you tried.

 

Is the only reason you are considering breaking up with him because he doesn't have a job? Maybe he just needs help getting motivated to keep trying. Maybe you can help?? If he's perfect other than being a little on the lazy side, then why break up with him? If it's hurting your relationship, then you need to talk to him. Actually you should talk to him anyways. Tell him how you feel. See if he even cares that he doesn't have a job.

[DragonGirl724]

what it all comes down to is; if the member who posted the topic is willing to TOLERATE his "laziness"' "lack of motivation" whatever you want to call it....a rose by any other name, is still a rose.

 

any feedback from the member who posted this topic??

 

-DG724

[Mr Meh]

what it all comes down to is; if the member who posted the topic is willing to TOLERATE his "laziness"' "lack of motivation" whatever you want to call it....a rose by any other name, is still a rose.

 

or if the member is willing to examine whether she can adjust her rigid expectations of how he should live his life, and still feel self fulfilled.......

8)

[Spirits Away]

Spirit's away you're smart, you'll be looking at how the guy spends money and what type of things he'll spend his money on.

 

 

Dragongirl IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY TO MANAGE HIS FINANCES!! she is NOT his mother and she is NOT his financial advisor!! she is his GIRLFRIEND who is SUPPORTING HIM! HE'S A BIG BOY NOW! he needs to grow up. i wouldnt tolerate this behavior.

 

Quote:

If you don't like it, i suggest you keep nagging, and things will lead its way for you.

 

 

Dragongirl: IM SHOCKED YOU SUGGEST THAT NAGGING WILL SOLVE THIS OR ANY PROBLEM!

 

you're missing my point dragongirl, you are more innocent than you sound. Observing how he spends his money has nothing to do with be responsible with his finance, it's seeing what's to come in the future. And keep reading about the nagging part until you get my message.

Try to not see this thread as "how to change him" but in a more "see if he's the guy for her and vice versa"

 

Although i sounded as if i side with the guy in this post. I am really suggesting that that's the him you know, and he doesn't seem like he's going to change to the way you want him to. Realistically, does that change even matter? Unmotivated in a money sense at the moment is one thing, but if he's overall an unmotivated person, then it only means she chose the wrong guy. And i'm also hinting that nobody really knows who is going to succeed financially later on in the future.

[joe45]

if he doesn';t have a job and his folks are lazy and lack money how does he take u out on dates and what does he do on ur dates.

i usually thought going on dates required some money.

[pchellak]

I think more women are doing good professionally and to expect a guy to have better career goals than women in every relationship is unrealistic. It will be more on an equal footing and some relationships will have women doing better.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Girls definitely out number guys at American colleges. At most American and Canadian post secondary institutions, 60-70% of the students are female.

 

Check out this article

 

link removed

 

The problem is that society does not have high expectations for males, so they (I am speaking generally....there are exceptions) become lazy. Also, the education system is sexist against males. In fact some colleges are considering affirmative action that will have lower entrance standards for males than for females (as has been practiced with Blacks for decades). Society is failing young males, and that needs to be changed. WE need to give young men back thier ambition.

[michelemybell]

You can't blame society. Lazy males need to turn off the tv, and get their own lazy butts into school. Just like the rest of us did.