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Am I overthinking?


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I moved into my boyfriend’s home 8 months ago.  I pay the utilities, internet, all groceries, anything extra he needs at the store like deodorant, degreaser for his shop, etc. we also take my vehicle if we go anywhere and I always pay for the gas. I also mow the grass (3 hours of work), do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. I buy all the household items we need like toilet paper, dish soap, etc. He doesn’t take me on dates or plan anything. Once in a while if we’re out he’ll take me to eat. I help him clean tools in his shop and any odds and ends that he might ask me to do. If my car needs fixed, ( a wheel bearing once) he does do that (I buy the parts) and he did help me put up a pool that I bought. I got home from work today ( a Friday) and I had a rough day, which he knew about. He comes in and asks me if I wanted to come check out the building he’s putting up outside. I said sure and when I got out there he showed me and then put me straight to work. I made a comment about how I’d like to do something fun instead of working and he immediately said, Oh, fxxxck me for putting up the pool. And, fxxxck me for helping you fix your car.  I just feel used.  Am I overthinking it? 

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What do you get out of this? Do you get turned on by being overpowered and ordered around? Do you think you're not worth a relationship that has balance, fairness, compassion and caring? Do you think if you keep acting like a spineless doormat and working your behind off and being his Bank he'll like you more?  What's going on here and why is this even a question?

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You're paying for everything, doing the cooking and cleaning, and taking care of almost all of the chores. I think this is more your home then his by now.

You aren't overthinking. He is at best extremely lazy and has no sense of responsibility or fairness. He is taking advantage of you. A good boyfriend would be willing to split the load 50/50 or even jump at the opportunity to treat his lady and do things for her without needing to be asked. He would also be understanding and not immediately get defensive and snap at you. 

Why are you with him? Is whatever you are getting from this relationship worth all the negatives? Wouldn't you prefer a relationship that is equal and full of understanding and compassion? He doesn't sound like a guy who can give that to you.

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11 hours ago, tfriend said:

I pay the utilities, internet, all groceries, anything extra he needs at the store like deodorant, degreaser for his shop, etc. we also take my vehicle if we go anywhere and I always pay for the gas. I also mow the grass (3 hours of work), do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and laundry

Why do you do this? 

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Just to add I am on several FB groups for parents and the going rate where I live for cleaners and who also do laundry is about $20-25/hour. Not sure about lawnmowing.  Driving kids around (your driving him around) around $15-20 an hour plus gas $.  Then the instacart/grocery delivery people get fees and tips.  Not sure how much.  And obviously they don't pay for the groceries.

I did a lot of this work as a full time mom and I still do more of the cleaning etc (but we have a fair and balanced marriage -need not be 50/50 with cleaning and childcare to be fair for the couple) - I did all this work unpaid.  But -we are married and have a child who is still a minor.  You by contrast are doing unpaid labor and you are not in any sort of partnership with your boyfriend -you are not married and I wouldn't call this a committed relationship because his commitment is to squeeze out all the work he should be doing out of you and freeload on the free groceries/laundry detergent/toiletries and on and on.

I see he did some car stuff and pool stuff for you.  Begrudgingly.  That's also inconsistent with being committed to you.

Put on your big girl pants. be brutally honest with yourself about what you get out of this -maybe with the help of a therapist - and figure out what you are worth.  I'd stop doing all these things for him or tell him you're good with it but want to be paid the going rate.  You also can offer to help him find a cleaning service/grocery delivery/cook/meal service.  Which he will pay for.

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18 hours ago, tfriend said:

Oh, fxxxck me for putting up the pool. And, fxxxck me for helping you fix your car.

Ghaaad, I'm really sorry. Is this the way he typically speaks to you?

You've written about one practical thing after another, but how would you describe your usual communication together, and your intimacy and treatment of one another?

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It's absolutely unacceptable.

Relationships are give and take. But he's so selfish and you're such a push-over that you keep feeding his selfish needs unquestionably.

You need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. You need to walk away from what doesn't feel right to you. This relationship dynamic is neither healthy nor equal. And his character will not change if you modify your behaviour, have a talk nor give it time. He's shown you who he is, and he's here to take all the benefits of the GF (you, as in sex, free groceries, paid bills, free stuff, intimacy and so forth without the marriage commitment) while he puts in the absolute bare minimum in return. He gets the most out of such deal while the GF is sucked dry.

Why are you still with such a man? 

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On 6/15/2024 at 12:48 AM, tfriend said:

He doesn’t take me on dates or plan anything. Once in a while if we’re out he’ll take me to eat.

For everything that you provide him with, he can't even reciprocate the most basic of gestures? As others have observed, this man is selfish, single-minded and thoughtless. That's not a basis for any kind of healthy relationship.

On 6/15/2024 at 12:48 AM, tfriend said:

I moved into my boyfriend’s home 8 months ago.

How long did you know this man before deciding to move in with him?

On 6/15/2024 at 12:48 AM, tfriend said:

If my car needs fixed, ( a wheel bearing once) he does do that (I buy the parts) and he did help me put up a pool that I bought.

He helped you with things that you paid for and even that is a drop in the ocean compared to how much you do for him.

On 6/15/2024 at 12:48 AM, tfriend said:

I just feel used.  Am I overthinking it? 

No, you're not overthinking it. He's a dreadful boyfriend.

Start planning your escape and leave him to manage his living expenses and arrangements without your assistance.

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Good lord it's time to cut him loose and move out. You sound like a push over...grow a spine and be firm about splitting everything fairly. It's way too late for this guy because he's verbally abusive...that's unforgivable. He's a jerk period. Don't give him any notice...pack yer stuff up and leave. He can have the pool.

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Overthinking?  Not thinking is more like it.

You have presented this man as 100% and A-hole.  In doing so you have presented yourself as a person with no backbone and, maybe worse, someone who is willing to be with a partner that you do not even like AT ALL.  Instead, you are keeping close track of all his transgressions.

Stop the madness.   Move on.

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You are most definitely not overthinking, this guy sounds like a dead beat.  Are you getting anything out of this relationship? He better be amazing around the house or in bed or something.  It sounds like are taking care of him and he is relishing in that and sounds unappreciative 

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I seem to have upset a lot of you to the point of calling me spineless and a pushover. Interesting. I genuinely care about him and I’m a nice person who shows love with acts of kindness. I don’t dislike him. I was looking for advice to see if I’m overthinking or expecting too much, because I tend to go overboard with how I treat my partner, I don’t want to expect too much. He’s nice to me and cordial, just isn’t affectionate, really, doesn’t talk about the future and doesn’t plan or have a desire to do anything with me, other than the last few hours of the night. When I bring up my concerns, he says he’s tired of women complaining about men.  He says if I want to do anything, I have to plan and he would go along. Anyways, I’ve realized he doesn’t care about me, like I care about him. I’m moving out and moving on. I’m far from spineless and a pushover. I’m a loyal and loving person who treats all who I care about with love and compassion. I don’t like to make rash emotional decisions, like assuming I’m being used, if perhaps, I can be shown a different perspective. 

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2 hours ago, tfriend said:

I seem to have upset a lot of you to the point of calling me spineless and a pushover. Interesting. I genuinely care about him and I’m a nice person who shows love with acts of kindness. I don’t dislike him. I was looking for advice to see if I’m overthinking or expecting too much, because I tend to go overboard with how I treat my partner, I don’t want to expect too much. He’s nice to me and cordial, just isn’t affectionate, really, doesn’t talk about the future and doesn’t plan or have a desire to do anything with me, other than the last few hours of the night. When I bring up my concerns, he says he’s tired of women complaining about men.  He says if I want to do anything, I have to plan and he would go along. Anyways, I’ve realized he doesn’t care about me, like I care about him. I’m moving out and moving on. I’m far from spineless and a pushover. I’m a loyal and loving person who treats all who I care about with love and compassion. I don’t like to make rash emotional decisions, like assuming I’m being used, if perhaps, I can be shown a different perspective. 

I don't think it's very nice on your part to treat yourself so poorly or to treat a person who you say doesn't care about you in any relevant way with love and compassion.  No need to assume you're being used in order to choose to move on from a person who is not treating you in a caring or respectful way. I'm glad you're moving on -good for you!

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7 hours ago, tfriend said:

Anyways, I’ve realized he doesn’t care about me, like I care about him. I’m moving out and moving on. I’m far from spineless and a pushover. I’m a loyal and loving person who treats all who I care about with love and compassion. I don’t like to make rash emotional decisions, like assuming I’m being used, if perhaps, I can be shown a different perspective.

I never thought you were spineless or a pushover. I'm sure he does have good qualities and that there was somethng there that drew you to him in the first place. It takes time to come to a major decision like this and it's good that you tried to see things from different perspectives. To many people give up too easily, not willing to fight to make something work. I actually applaud you for taking the time to think through this and making sure you are making the right decision.

Having said that, at a certain point it becomes overwhelmingly clear when things are one sided. You being in the thick of things might have not recognized just how overwhelming it was. But in the end, you realized it. You will be better off not having to deal with him. Better things await you.

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