Why did he lie about his divorce timeline?

[Streetchatella]

My husband (39) and I (37) got married a year ago and have a newborn together. Our marriage is generally good and would be a pretty smooth sailing if his ex wife (44) and her constant trouble making would not dampen the mood every other week before my stepdaughter comes over. I get it - a respectful, cordial coparenting is not easy to achieve and I have been trying to avoid talking to/about his ex wife even when she is being overly hostile and making our day to day life complicated with her last minute plan changes. What I have a problem with, however, is the fact that my husband lied about the timeline of their relationship. They got married in 2014 and filed for divorce in 2016 due to his ex’s cheating. The divorce was finalized in early 2017 (I’ve seen the papers), she moved out with the kids and my husband was single for two years before starting a short lived relationship with his ex GF. Or so he said. 
I have been putting things together based on the information he provided me with and I know for a fact that they have very much been a couple in late 2018; divorced but still trying something for the kids’ sake. I am not sure when their last rodeo ended, but what I do know is she cheated for the second time and he called it quits. 
As much as I don’t care about the details of what exactly has happened between the two of them, the number of extra marital affairs on her end or them trying it out afterwards, I am feeling uneasy about him bending the truth. It’s not like him getting a divorce and reconciling in either 2017 or 2018 would make a difference - he took her back at his own expense only to get heartbroken again. What bothers me is him lying to me about it and me finding out by seeing the pictures from their couple trips in 2018. I would not judge (at least not to his face; I am entitled to my own opinions though and I do not condone cheating) him but I am feeling like everything we have built is based on lies.. The past is the past but if I have learned something in life it’s that those who resort to white lies are not truthful about a number of things. I find myself doubting him and our relationship all of a sudden and asking myself what else he has lied about. Being married to your partner yet knowing he cannot even share information about his past truthfully truly sucks. 
When I confronted him about the discrepancies, he got upset and accused me of creating unecessary drama. I led a very peaceful life before getting myself in this mess and did not anticipate how hard the stepparenting and dealing with his ex would be. That is also why I would have loved the truth about the demise of their relationship. I hate the feeling of it being a taboo topic and my husband acting all upset everytime I bring it up. It leaves me with a bitter taste and a bunch of questions on whether things were truly completely processed. 
How do I go about this without having a feeling of having turned a blind eye to the situation due to husband’s reaction?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Streetchatella said:

It’s not like him getting a divorce and reconciling in either 2017 or 2018 would make a difference - he took her back at his own expense only to get heartbroken again.

This ^^^ sounds like your answer. You're saying that 2017 versus 2018 wouldn't make a difference to you. So why should it make such a difference to him, and to the degree that he would need to expound on his second, disastrous and humiliating, attempt to reconcile?

He gave you an accurate divorce date. He's likely ashamed of the fail that followed, and as long as it didn't overlap with his start with you, he may regard it as nobody else's business.

I'd flip the script I'm running in my head to view an attempt at repairing one's family to be admirable and a sign of one who takes his vows seriously. 

1 hour ago, Streetchatella said:

When I confronted him about the discrepancies, he got upset and accused me of creating unecessary drama.

The word 'confront' is an aggressive one. It sounds accusatory and mean, as opposed to offering a sympathetic opening for husband to feel safe enough with you to confide in you.

I'd look at that more closely, because frankly, I have and will never disclose every aspect of my dating history to a partner. I don't 'owe' anyone that rap sheet, and I certainly wouldn't respond well to being accused of 'lying' about it. There are aspects of everyone's history that are private--and nobody else's business to judge.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

The past is the past but if I have learned something in life it’s that those who resort to white lies are not truthful about a number of things

I agree with the other poster in that it was embarrassment and not at any attempt to dupe you that he bent the truth. In your shoes, being that you have a newborn, I would let this go because otherwise, you're making an assumption this one instance will rear its head again in the future where he will be consistently lying all the time. I think that's unfair.

4 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

I led a very peaceful life before getting myself in this mess and did not anticipate how hard the stepparenting and dealing with his ex would be.

I think this is your bigger issue and you're looking for a reason to bail because of this stress. I know that many couples seek mediation with custody issues to come to a happier arrangement. Perhaps suggest to your husband that he try to arrange that.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

That is also why I would have loved the truth about the demise of their relationship. I hate the feeling of it being a taboo topic and my husband acting all upset everytime I bring it up.

Well, that's because it likely is upsettting. 

Who would want to rehash the details of a failed marriage and the revisit the memories of an ex's infidelities? I am not sure why you would expect a different reaction, especially if this is something you have repeatedly prodded him about it. It is unplesant to talk about something that hurt us, which I am sure you can understand. 

6 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

I am feeling like everything we have built is based on lies..

Really? Just because there's a grey area around when he actually feels his previous marriage ended? That's quite a stretch. Are you looking for a reason to leave this marriage? 

 

[Streetchatella]

I’d like to thank everyone who took the time and replied. 
I want to make it clear that I am not looking for a way out or ever intended to leave our marriage. I love my husband very much and want to honor the vow I have taken even if life gets hard. I am, however, wary of the situation regarding his ex due to the animosity still present to this day. They are constantly at eachother’s throats and I have always suspected my husband hasn’t really work through the issues and heartbreak, which at times reflects in the way he treats me. He gets angry very quickly and can be on the defense even when it is not needed. I understand me saying I have confronted him about the matter sounds a bit heavy and I want to make it clear it was not an attack, rather a question. The problem is that since I have moved in with him, there is always something that pops up - a reminder of their past that is. It started with me coming across old postcards, then books with love letters and now a half naked picture of her on his phone. He deleted the picture and said it got recovered from his icloud as he bought a new phone, but of course it is unpleasant and I’d like nothing more than to finally be able to live without her constant presence in our lives. I know that’s virtually impossible as there is a coparenting situation but still… I struggle with it and I’ll be the first one to admit it. It intensified in terms of her attacking my husband since we got married. I feel like I can only deal with the topic and her presence if I know the full story. I completely agree one’s past isn’t something that needs to be shared to the very last detail, but this situation is very complex. Also, I have known about him taking her back twice for the kids’ sake (she also has two daughters from her first marriage, which ended because of her cheating, surprise surprise), it is not something he is embarassed by. It was a fair shot with the best intent, he says. That is why I do not understand why he lied about the “getting back together” happening over the span of two years post filing for divorce. 

[smackie9]

One thing I have learned in my 60 years is, that it's not always about you or because of you, or to deceive you. Instead of confronting him with accusatory undertones, Why not have empathy to what he actually went through during that time. He got cheated on...and not of his doing. Just think of how his world was turned upside down, the heartbreak and the difficulty of going through a divorce. Then still wanting that life back before the cheating, he trusted her that she was sorry and wanted to try to make it work, only to get duped again...going through all those emotions of devastation, embarrassment, and the guilt of putting the child through that. It affected their friends and families too. It's something any man, or woman for that matter, would ever want to mention or relive/talk about. He wanted that part of his life forgotten.

So back to you. Why let all this nonsense bother you? Just ignore the drama this woman creates. You are letting her win. Be open, honest but also supportive...you will get more positive action out of your husband if you show more empathy to his situation. If you are positive, things will get easier because you won't let the negativity or your negative thoughts ruin your relationship. In other words...let...it....go.

 

[smackie9]

This is what you can do... sit down with him and say "I forgive you for lying about it and I apologize for how I approached you...I understand now, what you must have gone through, how horrible it must have been. You don't have to hide anything from me, I am here for you and always will be. I understand it's hard to trust anyone especially what she did to you and your family....but you can always trust me to talk about anything, anytime.....I want us to be better with our communication."

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

since I have moved in with him, there is always something that pops up - a reminder of their past that is. It started with me coming across old postcards, then books with love letters and now a half naked picture of her on his phone.

I had a feeling there was some missing context to the original post. 

My guess is that your fear is that he is not over her. Is that about accurate?

[Starlight925]

How old are the kids?  I ask, because it matters due to shared custody and amount of time he and she communicate.

You said that he angers very quickly.  Can you give an example or two?

John Gray (Mars & Venus) said that 90% of the time, an over expression of anger has little to do with the current incident, but from unexpressed anger from the past.

So, for example, a person who road rages, often has unmet anger expression needs from their past, etc.

The postcards, phone pics, etc. are just signs of their relationship.  Photos re-uploading to phone albums via Cloud storage is a real thing and has recently been addressed via a new Security update.  

They had a relationship, they had a past.  But, as @MissCanuck asked, are you afraid that he still has unresolved feelings for her?

 

[Streetchatella]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I had a feeling there was some missing context to the original post. 

My guess is that your fear is that he is not over her. Is that about accurate?

To answer your and @Starlight925 ‘s question - I would not go as far as to say I am afraid he is not over her but it bothers me that there is some feeling there still. The opposite of love is not hate or anger, it’s indifference, apathy if you will. When I see him so provoked and getting reactive because of her, I do wonder what’s up with that. Shouldn’t he want to keep his cool after all of those years?
Their daughter is turning 10 in a couple of weeks so we have a long road of coparenting ahead of us. I cannot imagine living like this and to be honest, the pictures and old memorabilia aren’t really helping. I can fully respect the fact that they were in love at some point in time and they need to keep in touch because they have a daughter but at what price? 
I am making conclusion based on what I would do, very subjectively. And help me God, I do not understand it whatsoever. What angers me is that he was so comitted to this woman that he turned a blind eye twice. I also don’t buy the whole “did it for the kids’ sake” schtick. What I think is that he stayed until the ante was upped to a point beyond his personal acceptance. 
I am intimidated by the fact that he has given up on his relationship with his parents and friends for this person while they were together. That she is so bitter still. I hate how it poisons our marriage  when he is angry because of her and feeling stuck because there are years of this mess ahead of us still. Maybe I am not thinking straight but aren’t all those valid reasons to know the full truth about what I am really dealing with here? It goes both ways and my husband knows he can ask anything he wants and will get an honest response about it. 

[Streetchatella]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

You said that he angers very quickly.  Can you give an example or two?

 

When he gets attacked by her over messages (the only form of communication should be through emails due to her negative attitude but she distegards it) it dampens the overall mood instantly. It is like his triggers intensify and he tends to overreact/misinterpret completely innocent situations. He starts hearing critical tone in my voice when it is not there and attacks me for no reason. He is also very jealous and gets insecure about my past relationships out of nowhere. I am trying to stay calm and explain he is misdirecting his frustration onto me but my patience has been wearing thin lately. We are living with the ghosts of his past, not mine and I am not a therapist..

[Starlight925]

He gave up his relationship with his own family over this woman?

He still expresses this level of anger over messages, and yes, he went back to her after she treated him like dirt.

The fact that he simply won't talk to you about it is concerning.

Have you tried therapy?  Will he go to couples counseling?

I suspect there is a whole lotta stuff here to unpack, and yes, I see your frustration in living like this.  Since their child is 10, there are many more years ahead of this animosity.  

I wish there was such a thing as "Urgent Care Therapy" places for you, but in lieu of that, I highly recommend you find therapy, stat.

[Batya33]

On top of all this stress and frustration and mistrust do you feel ok as far as post birth? Have you healed ? Any suspicion if you can tell of PPD or PPA? Is he coparenting well?

[Streetchatella]

12 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

He gave up his relationship with his own family over this woman?

He still expresses this level of anger over messages, and yes, he went back to her after she treated him like dirt.

The fact that he simply won't talk to you about it is concerning.

Have you tried therapy?  Will he go to couples counseling?

I suspect there is a whole lotta stuff here to unpack, and yes, I see your frustration in living like this.  Since their child is 10, there are many more years ahead of this animosity.  

I wish there was such a thing as "Urgent Care Therapy" places for you, but in lieu of that, I highly recommend you find therapy, stat.

Therapy was suggested on more than one occasion but he will not go. He agrees he needs to work on himself but we drift into the everyday constant very quickly, no actions are taken. 
I agree there is a lot to unpack and sometimes I feel like nothing will really change if I do not take drastic steps and perhaps leave with the baby for a bit. There is nothing I’d love more than for my son to grow up in a respectful and stress-free home where not only one but both of his parents know how to set boundaries. 

I have utter respect for all of the step parents who deal with difficult situations on daily basis. It requires a lot of strength.

[Streetchatella]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

On top of all this stress and frustration and mistrust do you feel ok as far as post birth? Have you healed ? Any suspicion if you can tell of PPD or PPA? Is he coparenting well?

I am lucky to say I did not experience baby blues or PPD. Of course there is some getting used to the new rhythm and finding a routine that suits everybody but things are going well.

My husband is as helpful as he can be, although he travels for work frequently, which means I am the primary caregiver majority of the time. When he is at home we usually have his daughter over, which means our son does not really get that much 1 on 1 with him. He is also what one would call a Disney dad to his daughter and deals with tremendous guilt for the situation she is in, having a broken family. I fear him victimizing his daughter constantly will result in her internalizing this role. She is your normal, well behaved 10-year old but I started noticing how she tends to manipulate situations to fit her narrative. I cannot imagine what she must be living through when she witnesses the fights between her parents and I feel sorry for her, but I also do not want for my son to miss out on time with his dad and be disadvantaged because of it. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Streetchatella said:

I am lucky to say I did not experience baby blues or PPD. Of course there is some getting used to the new rhythm and finding a routine that suits everybody but things are going well.

My husband is as helpful as he can be, although he travels for work frequently, which means I am the primary caregiver majority of the time. When he is at home we usually have his daughter over, which means our son does not really get that much 1 on 1 with him. He is also what one would call a Disney dad to his daughter and deals with tremendous guilt for the situation she is in, having a broken family. I fear him victimizing his daughter constantly will result in her internalizing this role. She is your normal, well behaved 10-year old but I started noticing how she tends to manipulate situations to fit her narrative. I cannot imagine what she must be living through when she witnesses the fights between her parents and I feel sorry for her, but I also do not want for my son to miss out on time with his dad and be disadvantaged because of it. 

I hope the 10 year old is getting the right supports too! Did you two discuss scheduling and how it would be once  you had your child together?  Maybe time to tweak that a bit? My husband started traveling again when my newborn was 2 weeks old and we really didn't have family who could help despite wanting to.  I'm glad you don't have PPD/PPA! 

Many people say "I'll look into therapy" (or exercise/better eating, better job) but watch the feet-actions -not the lips. And obviously with telehealth now his travel need not be such an impediment (maybe with licensing issues as far as therapy from a different state or country but whatever -point is he's not acting to make it happen).

I agree with the others this is not just about the timeline issue. Please do focus on taking care of yourself and your baby.

[tattoobunnie]

I sometimes can't recall what day of the week it is, or at the drop of the hate, how many years I've been married.  I would just ask him directly, instead of doing all the assumptions he is trying to one up you, or pull a fast one.  He may have just given you the date they file for divorce.  In many states in the US, you need to be separated for a few year.  Or he blurted out the wrong year by mistake, because he was thinking when he first found out she cheated on him.  Not everyone is crystal clear on traumatic events, so I would 100% let it go, and instead focus on why after these years, and a baby, the one year difference matters, and why you couldn't just ask him about it.

[catfeeder]

On 5/27/2024 at 4:22 AM, Streetchatella said:

I feel like nothing will really change if I do not take drastic steps and perhaps leave with the baby for a bit. There is nothing I’d love more than for my son to grow up in a respectful and stress-free home where not only one but both of his parents know how to set boundaries. 

Before leaving, you may want to offer husband two options to consider: working through this issue in marriage counseling, or working it out on his own while living without you and the baby.

However, one stop-gap measure I'd try for my own peace is, after ex triggers him into an angry bad mood that he takes out on you, I'd have an emergency bag packed for myself and baby. I'd grab that quietly and use it to get out of there safely, without raising a confrontation with him. I'd message him from a safe place with friends or family or a hotel that he can phone me when he's able to speak calmly. From there, you can negotiate when or whether or not you'll want to go back there.

In other words, teach husband that his reactions have consequences, and you're no longer willing to be the person who bears the brunt of his unresolved issues. He's either willing to set up an appointment to begin marriage counseling, or you're not going live this way any longer.

One other thing you can do, today, is consider reaching out to your local hospital's Human Services department for a referral to a women's counselor, OR, contact one of the domestic violence prevention agencies on the Internet for such a referral. These non-profit groups offer resources not widely know to the public. I'd also consult an attorney or legal aid for legal advice to learn all your options and the best steps you can take for each option. Then you'll be armed with valuable information for making decisions rather than operating on emotions alone.

[JayParker]

 

You appear to have an objective and realistic view on things. I also think that your concern is quite valid.

His dismissive and evasive reaction is (in my opinion) not warranted. Personally, I've discovered (the hard way) that how something is approached can make the difference.

Perhaps you could revisit this topic with an empathetic slant.

ie; "I'm sure that being cheated on must have been difficult. I would imagine that if the phone rang at an odd time or if she was late coming home that it would raise all sorts of uncertainties."

--- after his response

"I understand. I'm sure that it wasn't easy when I asked about your divorce timeline difference. I do trust you of course. it's just that it didn't seem congruent and you're always so good at putting my mind at ease. I'm sure that you have a good reason for the discrepancy. Can you help me understand why?"

[ShySoul]

On 5/27/2024 at 1:22 AM, Streetchatella said:

He agrees he needs to work on himself but we drift into the everyday constant very quickly, no actions are taken. 
I agree there is a lot to unpack and sometimes I feel like nothing will really change if I do not take drastic steps and perhaps leave with the baby for a bit. There is nothing I’d love more than for my son to grow up in a respectful and stress-free home where not only one but both of his parents know how to set boundaries. 

You have very valid concerns and are reading this situation well. He has not worked out all the issues this relationship has brought up and caused within him. Even if he doesn't want to be with her, the anger and hurt caused by her cheating has left a scar that he hasn't been able to heal. He rejected his family for her and in return got betrated multiple times. That has to mess with you on an intense personal level. 

This is why it's better to wait until you've fully healed before committing to another relationship. The baggage you bring into the relationship isn't fair to the other person and is likely to cause more drama and problems.

It's sweet and noble that you want to help him. It shows how much you love and care for him. But this is his issue to solve. He knows that as well. Until he actively works on it, things won't change. The only thing you can do is try to be supportive and help him through it. Approach him honestly with compassion. It sounds like you are. Let him know that when he responds with anger, how it hurts and scares you. Let him know your concerns for the chidren. Make clear you aren't trying to hurt him and don't want to cause drama. Tell him you are trying to prevent drama by handling why these things keep happening in the first place. 

Hopefully he will respond to that. If he doesn't, say you've reached a point where you are considering leaving/taking a break. Be honest with him. Tell him how much you want to make things work, but that you can't do it yourself and say what you need from him. Sometimes the possibility of losing  everything can push a person into actions they weren't willing to take.

You are strong for enduring this. I hope both of you are able to work together and get through this.