He's everything you want, except you're not attracted to him

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I have a question:

 

Say you meet a guy who you are absolutely not attracted to. There never was or never will be attraction, but you find out that he has everything you like in a guy's personality. You really like him on the inside. He's confident, funny, charming, etc. He's everything you want except he's not attractive in your eyes. What are his chances in becoming a romantic interest? Honestly. Thanks in advance for your answers.

[Mun]

I dated that guy. K was the perfect boyfriend and has been so far. No sparks though.... nada... Would have probably been a good husband too--

 

He wanted to know everything about me, but I managed to keep him in the dark about alot of things because I knew I didn't want to keep him. He never met my friends or my family. I didn't let him know where I lived exactly. One day he told me " you don't care about me as much as I care about you huh?"

 

So why did I date him? Because he was such a great guy. I gave it a shot, I tried my best, but it just didn't happen. I didn't fall for him.

[shes2smart]

If I'm not attracted to him, then - by definition of what I want - he's not "everything I want."

[itry]

chances are slim...

 

ive looked at my past bf's.... and thought about what initially attracted me to them...wether they were physically attractive or not..it was that unsees chemistry that's just there or not.

 

 

unless its in ur culture and arranged marraiges are a part of ur life..then without initial attraction...theres no longevity..in my opinion of course.

[Lily04]

I dated a guy and there was some initial chemistry I suppose, but I wasn't attracted to him in the least. We ended up dating for 2 months just because I was bored, he asked me out, I liked him enough so I thought why not. He instantly became in love with me though and wanted to show me off to all his friends, it was embarrassing... and then he would always complain about why I would never be interested in anything sexual. I thought it was because I had a low libido and was really concerned, but looking back it was just because I never found him sexually attractive in the least. I think it's really important to be physically attracted to someone for that reason, and have chemistry. Those are important to me now... although personality is of course, your love life won't be complete if you're not at least somewhat physically attracted to the person. Hope that helps.

[newts]

Hmmm...no attraction, then he/she would not be my perfect partner. There has to be some intial physical attraction for things to blossom. Just my opinion.

[Mr. Cactus]

I can't help thinking of the movie "Shallow Hal" when I read this thread. It would be interesting to hear stories of people who have made a success of things despite a lack of physical attraction. I'm not sure I have ever known anyone who it has happened to though. There does always seem to have to be this spark and I guess deep down psychologists would tell us it is an instinctive reaction to improving the human gene pool or maximising the genetic quality of our offspring. I guess, all said, that is fair enough, because I would like to be physically attracted to a partner too. Where it tends to hurt though is when you get a second hand story from someone else telling you that "Ms. X" doesn't find you physically attractive because....". I mean, I think we should try to be a bit more tactful. I even had a girl tell me once that 9 out of 10 women are not attracted to red headed males like me! She even gave me the survey to prove it!!!

[Caldus]

Why do so many people have to need to place so much emphasis on looks? Kyo the reason you don't attract people is because you are letting your so-called "bad looks" get in the way of being the real you around women. That's why you don't attract them. I'm not all that great looking of a guy either and I've been on dates so don't even make the excuse that girls just go for looks. It is so much more attitude and confidence.

[shes2smart]

Physical attraction is something...but it's not everything....and it's so highly subjective that it's not worth getting your undies in a bunch over.

 

If you lined up every guy I've been involved with/been attracted to, there are no common outward, physical traits. Heights ranged from 5'5" (same height as me) to 6'4", nearly every possible combintation of hair and eye color, nearly every possible general physical build from practically skeletal to muscular to well-padded. The one I would rank the "prettiest" physically was also a raging alcoholic, the one who'd come out on the other end of the physical attractiveness spectrum (coincidentally the shortest of the group) had more self-confidence than the ones on the "pretty" end. He was like the little yip-dog who thinks its a Doberman.

 

What they all had in common was a fair amount of self-confidence, a sense of humor similar to mine, and good verbal skills. I like to do a lot of smart-a**, rapid-fire, back and forth bantering....go figure. Quickest way for me to lose interest (when I was single) was to not keep up with me on the verbal back-and-forth. Quickest way to get me feeling that certain spark of interest that could lead to romance was to keep up with me on the verbal back-and-forth. Swear to God, that's always been intellectual foreplay to me.

 

All that being said, in my late 20's and early 30's I was also hung up on physical appearance (mine). I was looking through some old journals last weekend and found pages and pages and pages (and even more pages) that sound so much like some of the threads about appearance that I see here. How I felt I was somehow getting overlooked because I wasn't thin and blonde with big boobs, how I felt I was being judged on such superficial things and it wasn't fair because I was a good person and how I was going to be one of those perpetually single women with 2 dozen cats and I'd surely die alone and unloved because I wasn't physically good enough and blah, blah, blah, blah.

 

Looking back at it now, it's all crap. It was some mighty heavy baggage that I didn't need to be carrying. It was a HUGE chip on my shoulder that just about everyone could see...including potential dates. Everyone but me, that is.

 

I don't think there was one specific thing that caused me to let it go, but rather a series of stupid and sometimes painful encounters. After all, what you focus on is what you attract, and if you focus on your physical inadequacies like I was doing you're going to attract guys who tell you things like: "I liked your ad and was really interested in meeting you until you mentioned you wore a size 16" (Yup. He replied to a personal ad JUST to tell me that.) or "I've never (had sex with) a fat chick, but I've heard they're hot and I'm curious." (Sorry, I've never been into being someone's curiosity ####, particularly if they think they're doing a pity ####)

 

By shifting my focus away from my perceived physical inadquacies, and moving it toward not allowing people to treat me badly and accepting myself as I am, I was able to better the quality of people I attracted. The more I accepted myself for who I was, the more accepting others were. The more I refused to be treated badly, the better I was treated. We'd all be better off if we were more compassionate, accepting, loving and gentle -- with ourselves. By treating ourselves well, we naturally attract others who would treat us well.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Ky If the person isn't attracted to them than they can't be everything they want. Your question contradicts itself.

If this is about you, something tells me you are coming on too strongly and you need to relax, lay off her a bit, don't fess up those feelings, and let her do for you. Women are turned off when guys come on too strongly (as are guys). It makes them feel pressured for a commitment.

[misterlonely]

The title of this post reminds me of the Vertical Horizon song "everything you want". Just had to point that out.

[shes2smart]

The title of this post reminds me of the Vertical Horizon song "everything you want". Just had to point that out.

 

Oh, thanks. Now I'm gonna have that stuck in my head all day.

[MetallicAguy]

Caldus is pretty much exactly right. You need to stop asking people if because your not blessed with good looks your not going to get women. Man I've seen average guys, even guys with glasses, acne, etc. And they get with the hottest of women.

 

I mean if a girl isn't into a guy physically and mentally that's life. You have to feel something both ways in that sense. Otherwise it creates an imbalance and the relationship slowly goes to ****.

 

If you maybe changed your clothes style, get some cologne (spray one spray, women are sensitive to smell, once is enough), did something with your hair instead of doing something simple and shave it and gel it. I personally think women aren't into the short hair thing all that much, nor are they into the style of hair like Metallica's in the 80's . It's kind of like you have to make a "medium" out of your hair.

 

Definitely develop a sense of humor, women love a funny guy (but knows when to be serious), like the easiest way to get people to laugh is to kind of get used to exaggerating things, random things, things you see on TV are the easiest like the news. Watch someone on TV, or on HBO that's stand-up. A good example is Chris Rock, which can be the wrong kind of humor at times. Maybe watch some Adam Sandler you know? The easiest way for me to get people to laugh is usually I combine someone with basic humor (Adam Sandler) with someone of extreme and at times watery-eyes, choking humor (Like if you listen to cKy ).

 

To develop your confidence, well you have to do that on your own. You kind of have to tell yourself "Your never going to get a date with this attitude the times running out look at the clock" lol, you have to pretend like time's running out, then you get some motivation, the other part of this is the first part which states the attitude of changing it to confident, optimistic. KO all I hear from you in your posts a lot of the time is you putting yourself down because you aren't like all that good-looking. Well that's life get over it, there's things you can do to change your looks for the better. Ever see a chick and think "Man she'd look really ugly in so and so clothes" ? Lol, but she's wearing something pretty hot right? Well that's what you have to do. What ever dorky style of clothing your wearing right now has to change. I personally don't know what 32 year old people are into for clothes but kind of develop your own style of clothing, you have to put a bit of fakeness into it if you like wearing rainbow colored suspenders, Dockers, and a shirt that has the xbox logo on it and grandpa's looking loafers, that **** has got to go! Wearing that isn't going to attract any women lol. What I mean by putting some fakeness in is like wearing some clothes that you wouldn't normally wear, but LOOK GOOD. Start off by wearing a few shirts of it, then progress to more when comfortable with them. Then by having a few shirts of a good style you might begin to like them, hence developing your own style, then you combine these type of clothes with others and then you get a mix. Which is a good thing, it shows you don't do the same thing everyday and your not boring. Mostly, to develop your confidence is like how you've said in the past that girls show interest in you but you hide away, you tell yourself in the morning (probably every day...because you never know) "If a girl shows interest in me, you can't be a panzy and hide away, this won't get you anywhere". Yeah I know, feels stupid at first, you have to learn to adapt. I used to be like you, but I got pissed off because of so many missed opportunities so I said to myself "**** it." and I just became confident from doing things like that and having the motivation, and not being afraid. Because really it's stupid to be afraid of girls, there not going to bite. And how you try SO hard to get girls to like you and stuff, well KO something you might want to do is next time you catch some girl looking at you playing with something in her hands, don't look for a second and look away and be a girlie man [slaps you]. Stop it. Your going to look at her (if you find her attractive at least lol, be my guest look away if someone you don't find attractive is looking at you, that's OK to do the shy thing then), get that gut-pulling motion you haven't felt in a LONG time and look away after 3 seconds, or it seems weird. If she smiles or does anything giving you the ok, go over there and do some small talk. You can be a panzy, you have to find your inner strength to get anywhere in life. So get out of your pathetic slump, I'm sick of hearing about it, say something positive about what happened to you on here for once .

[P-Frenchie]

After reading this post it got me thinking. Someone was mentioning they dated a guy and thought they just had a low lobido but really just weren't attracted to their man. My gf also doesn't have sex on her mind as much as some other women, and it got me wondering if this could be due to a lack of attraction. We've been together for almost 2 years now, so it would seem strange to me if this were the case... I know we love each other, but I really don't want to continue things if she doesn't find me as attractive as I find her beautiful.

[Flora]

Quickest way for me to lose interest (when I was single) was to not keep up with me on the verbal back-and-forth. Quickest way to get me feeling that certain spark of interest that could lead to romance was to keep up with me on the verbal back-and-forth. Swear to God, that's always been intellectual foreplay to me.

 

Wow...you sound like me. Gemini??

 

All that being said, in my late 20's and early 30's I was also hung up on physical appearance (mine). I was looking through some old journals last weekend and found pages and pages and pages (and even more pages) that sound so much like some of the threads about appearance that I see here. How I felt I was somehow getting overlooked because I wasn't thin and blonde with big boobs, how I felt I was being judged on such superficial things and it wasn't fair because I was a good person and how I was going to be one of those perpetually single women with 2 dozen cats and I'd surely die alone and unloved because I wasn't physically good enough and blah, blah, blah, blah.

 

Looking back at it now, it's all crap. It was some mighty heavy baggage that I didn't need to be carrying. It was a HUGE chip on my shoulder that just about everyone could see...including potential dates. Everyone but me, that is.

 

Once again...sound like me...For far too long I walked around thinking I just wasn't good enough physically and intellectually. I felt like people were sizing me up everywhere I went. I'm over it. I think the main reason I'm over it is because I see how this type of thinking has lead me to make bad decisions as far as relationships are concerned. I dated the not so hot guy who had everything I wanted. He was totally in love with me adn told me DAILY how beautiful and special I was. Truth is...I never ONCE believed him. He provided an ego boost for me occasionally. It's a sad realization. I could offer him nothing. I was so self absorbed and I hurt him.

 

I have also been in relationshps with men that kept me around because they KNEW I was so insecure that I almost NEEDED them. And They could verbally abuse me and manipulate me at will w/out fear of me running away. Well, things never worked out there either...

 

Now...I meet someone and I'm totally fine with myself, and I'm falling so head over heels in love...it's so natural...and beautiful, that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it mroe perfect. The only thing I know is that if I don't stay true to myself this will go the same place my past relationships have gone and that is down the crapper

 

 

thank you for your words...that was incredibly well put it gave me goosebumps

[shes2smart]

Wow...you sound like me. Gemini??

 

Taurus sun, Gemini moon, Capricorn rising. I've dabbled a bit in the metaphysical.

 

Glad to hear of your progress. If we want to have healthy, loving, caring relationships with others, we first have to have a healthy, loving, caring relationship with ourselves. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Ky If the person isn't attracted to them than they can't be everything they want. Your question contradicts itself.

If this is about you, something tells me you are coming on too strongly and you need to relax, lay off her a bit, don't fess up those feelings, and let her do for you. Women are turned off when guys come on too strongly (as are guys). It makes them feel pressured for a commitment.

No, that's not it at all. I don't drink, but even if I were to get stone cold drunk I would never come on too strong. That's not in my pedigree. I'm a tiptoe, stick my toe in the water kind of guy and once I know everything is fine and dandy, then I will shower her with the works. By the way, I changed the title of the thread from "but" to "except", hopefully that words it right.

 

This thread is about a woman I was in love with ten years ago. She had a certain type of guy that she went for and I was totally the opposite. I did everything I could to attract her but I knew she didn't feel "that way" about me. She even said that she adored me, that I made her tough days wonderful because I brightened up her day, but as for sparks, none. I never told her how I felt, but that would've made things worse. I had a butter knife in a gun fight. I was a one legged man in an butt kicking contest. In other words, I was useless.

 

I wanted to guard against this in the future in case I fall for someone again. I need to know if I am wasting my time in transforming my appearance to be the one she is attracted to... actually that is a waste, Mr. Rogers said something about "being fine just the way you are". But if I meet a woman and fall in love, and she likes everythign about me except the way I look, that would kill me more than the Yankee's current losing trend. If it were finanial status, sense of humor, attitude, grooming, that I can live with because I can change those.

 

And sorry caldus, looks are a part of it. After reading the posts on this thread and in this website in general, I realize that looks are a much smaller fraction on the pie chart. Much much smaller. I now realize that the person does not have to be gorgeous, just that their partner has to be attracted to them. I want to find someone who sees me as a potential love interest instead of "that funny guy I know" or "that nice guy I know", or even "that rich guy I know". I guess I'm asking too much to fall in love... real true love where biology and chemestry and all that scientific mumbo jumbo falls into place for me and my lady.

 

Do I make any sense at all?

[elila]

I'm lovin your metaphors and similes first of all.

 

Second of all (?) being funny, kind , sweet and, what's that word-- oh yes, CONFIDENT, can make you appear much more attractive than you really are. And I think what Napolean meant by coming on to strong was that she could sense how desperate you were. This was only one lady ten years ago.

 

You mentioned in another thread that some ladies were looking at you- go up to them and say something next time it happens. Be confident and stop thinking these terrible things about yourself. You're probably judging yourself way more harshly than other people do.

[shes2smart]

This thread is about a woman I was in love with ten years ago. She had a certain type of guy that she went for and I was totally the opposite. I did everything I could to attract her but I knew she didn't feel "that way" about me. She even said that she adored me, that I made her tough days wonderful because I brightened up her day, but as for sparks, none. I never told her how I felt, but that would've made things worse. I had a butter knife in a gun fight. I was a one legged man in an butt kicking contest. In other words, I was useless.

 

People have their preferences. No need to take them personally. It can be difficult, but they've got every right to their preferences just as you do. Even the two guys I mentioned in a previous post -- the ones who weren't attracted to fat women -- they have every right to have that preference. There's absolutely no need for me to feel offended or hurt by their preference. The way in which they expressed it was inappropriate and rather rude, but the fact that they had those preferences was their business, their right and their baggage. There was no reason I had to pick it up and carry it (even though I did for a number of years). There's no reason for you to keep carrying what is clearly Miss-Ten-Years-Ago's baggage.

 

I wanted to guard against this in the future in case I fall for someone again. I need to know if I am wasting my time in transforming my appearance to be the one she is attracted to... actually that is a waste, Mr. Rogers said something about "being fine just the way you are". But if I meet a woman and fall in love, and she likes everythign about me except the way I look, that would kill me more than the Yankee's current losing trend. If it were finanial status, sense of humor, attitude, grooming, that I can live with because I can change those.

 

If you have to "transform" your looks to attract someone, it's not worth it. Sure I could've dieted & exercised (& slipped back into the eating disorder I'd worked so hard to recover from), but I decided it was better to be chunky and be accepted for who I am, as I am. And, yes, it meant some rejections from guys that I really liked and really wanted to be in a relationship with. But it didn't kill me. What it did was teach me to be more compassionate and accepting of others because I'd been on the receiving end of behavior that was neither.

 

The best lesson I ever got in truly classy behavior came at the hands of a guy I had a raging crush on and pursued like a fiend for months. Eventually I came to the realization that he was gay, that wasn't really his "roommate", and he chose to be closeted about his sexuality. But in all that time, he was always polite, never made me feel like the dweeb I was acting like, treated me kindly, and never did anything to lead me on. Class act all the way.

 

If you want to "transform" your looks to something that YOU think makes you look better, that's a different story altogether. By all means, undergo plastic surgery, dye your hair, wear colored contacts, diet & excercise, or hire a personal style consultant to your heart's content. But when you start doing stuff like that to please someone else, or gain their acceptance, you are building your castle on a foundation of quicksand. That applies to ANYTHING about yourself...not just looks...if you feel you have to change your sense of humor, your financial status, etc. in order to win someone's affection or approval, no good can come of it. Even if you do manage to change to that person's specifications, you wind up with the feeling that if they knew the "real" you, they'd be outta there.

 

Trying to protect yourself against potential future hurt, particularly in the area of relationships, generally winds up complicating things more than simply being who you are and being open. While you're trying to protect yourself, the object of your affection may interpret that as being aloof, cold, not interested, neurotic, weird, stuffy, and any number of other misguided impressions. They may be interested in you, but if you put up a wall they may decide to take a pass thinking you're not interested, or thinking they don't want to bash their head against that wall.

 

Better to be rejected for who you truly are (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually) than accepted for something you are putting on for someone else's benefit.

[ShySoul]

Better to be rejected for who you truly are (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually) than accepted for something you are putting on for someone else's benefit.

 

Amen. So, so true.

 

being funny, kind , sweet and, what's that word-- oh yes, CONFIDENT, can make you appear much more attractive than you really are

 

They don't just make you appear attractive, those qualites are attractive. And Kyo, you are all of those things. They show through in your posts.

 

After reading the posts on this thread and in this website in general, I realize that looks are a much smaller fraction on the pie chart. Much much smaller. I now realize that the person does not have to be gorgeous, just that their partner has to be attracted to them. I want to find someone who sees me as a potential love interest instead of "that funny guy I know" or "that nice guy I know", or even "that rich guy I know". I guess I'm asking too much to fall in love... real true love where biology and chemestry and all that scientific mumbo jumbo falls into place for me and my lady.

 

Your on the right track man, hang in their. It isn't too much what you want, and it will happen. Probably sooner then you think.

 

I just disagree with one thing. The Yankees losing trend is a good thing . Give some other teams a chance.