Can't enjoy dating when I truly like the person

[Alokinga]

I just came back from a date with a girl I've liked for years, but never went beyond friendliness because I wasn't sure she felt that way. Now I'm very happy as we had a great time and she kept wanting to walk around more. I really like her, I haven't felt this way for a long time. The problem is that I keep looking for and finding things she says that put me in the friend zone. For example, at the end I said "We should go out again sometime!" and she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!" which I then interpreted as "I don't want to just hang out with you without an activity because I'm not interested". Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"... this kind of thing puts me down because it makes me doubt that I can even believe in having something with her, so it's difficult to really enjoy dating. I just end up looking for clues that things aren't gonna work out. Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

 she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!" which I then interpreted as "I don't want to just hang out with you without an activity because I'm not interested". Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"... 

It's great you hit it off and had a good time. She seems interested. 

This is not friend zoning, this is accepting a date.  There's no reason to just hang out. In fact that's the quickest way to the friend zone. 

[Batya33]

Yes so I'd work on your insecurities and self-talk.  The only way to know if someone is interested in dating you is if they enthusiastically accept an invitation for a date.  A person might be attracted to you and not interested in dating you.  Enjoy flirting with you and not be interested in dating you.  During the date be a good listener-which you can't be if you choose instead to focus on the negative tape in your head.  That's self-absorbed -being in your own head constantly analyzing in a negative way.  If you really want to get to know someone you have to show up, look nice and be nice -and being nice means listening to what they are saying with interest and with no distractions especially from your own head.  So work on ways to not attend to the negative stuff in your head and if the negative stuff lacks an audience it will exist, if at all, on the periphery.

[greendots]

On 5/17/2024 at 4:54 PM, Alokinga said:

"We should go out again sometime!"

This wasn't very direct, so no wonder she replied with maybe. Direct would be: "We should go out again sometime. How about next Saturday?" Or "I'd like to go out with you again. How about I contact you during the week to set something up."

She doesn't seem to be friend zoning you. Most likely, just mirroring your level of interest.

Also, not all relationships start with a bang. Some are built with time, by getting to know the other person slowly but steadily. It's all about moving forward/progressing.

Oh, as someone who used to be the queen of overthinking... don't. It's your greatest enemy.

[smackie9]

A-saying you don't get out much, makes you look like you have no life, have nothing to offer socially, a recluse, something must be wrong with you...don't do that. Make sure your life is full of hobbies, passions, activities and a few friends. No one wants to date someone that becomes their soul focus/life. That's unhealthy. Having a solid fulfilling life outside the relationship keeps things fresh and alive.

B-keep things light and positive, use some humour, stop over thinking.

C-looking for an activity for a date is a good thing. This is how they gauge compatibility which is very important for any future relationship.

D-she's not on the same page as you feelings wise. Carrying a torch...you will have to put the breaks on this and start at square one. Yes you are friends atm....you have a hill to climb...that's why we date. Spend time together and see if feelings grow. Her feelings need to grow, give her a break. Just the way things are, so slow your roll.

[catfeeder]

On 5/17/2024 at 5:54 PM, Alokinga said:

"We should go out again sometime!" and she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!" which I then interpreted as "I don't want to just hang out with you without an activity because I'm not interested".

Or, it meant that she really enjoyed doing that concert with you, or she doesn't want to be reduced to just a hang-out 'Netflix and chill' while she's trying to get to know you.

Quote

Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"

She's hoping you're not too reclusive. She's social with her friends, and nobody wants to become the entire focus of another's world--along with being their only lifeline to getting out in the world.

This is all pretty standard stuff. If it pushes you to question whether you've cultivated an active and healthy enough social life, then this experience is pointing you in the right direction. Everyone overthinks dates to one degree or another. People who are confident with the rest of their lives are able to let that roll right off them. People who are NOT confident, and who might cling to a relationship because they have nothing else going on, do tend to overthink themselves into misery. That's a clear sign to step up and do the work on helping yourself to feel more confident--even if that means taking enough pride in your solo pursuits that you don't feel 'put down' by standard dating interactions.

Head high, you can do this.

 

 

[jul-els]

Your insecurities are causing you to read between the lines and see things that aren’t there. She’s expressing interest in you. Enjoy it. Take the time to get to know her. Relax. Be confident and take the lead. Let go of your expectations and just see where things go.

[ShySoul]

On 5/17/2024 at 2:54 PM, Alokinga said:

We should go out again sometime!" and she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!

Look at the bolded part. SHE SAID YES!. That's not a rejection, that's acceptance. She even offered up the activity.

On 5/17/2024 at 2:54 PM, Alokinga said:

Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"

That's her showing concern for you She's tryng to be encouraging and get you to open up more with people, trying to push you towards something she thinks would make you happier.

On 5/17/2024 at 2:54 PM, Alokinga said:

I just end up looking for clues that things aren't gonna work out. Any advice?

You are psyching yourself out by having to examine every little thing. You've made you're mind up about how things are going to go, convinced yourself it can't work. So you automatically assume everything that is said or done is negative and working against you. That's causing you to miss the good things that are right in front of you. As someone who has fallen prey to this trap, and seen many others do it, stop! If you believe it, you can achieve it. But if you are convinced you will fail, you'll find a way to make it happen. So believe in yourself a little more.

Don't look for clues. Doesn't matter if it's a good sign or a bad sign. Learn the art of simply being and enjoying what happens. Be in the moment. Go along for the ride and don't overthink. You'll be able to enjoy your time more and feel less pressure. She will respond better, as she seems to be doing, and things will progress if and when they should.

[Cherylyn]

Don't read too much into it meaning don't over analyze.  Just have a good time.  When you engage in a conversation,  be pleasant without suspecting double meanings.  If you continue this habit,  take a break from dating otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time,  energy and resources. 

[Alokinga]

On 5/19/2024 at 9:19 AM, greendots said:

This wasn't very direct, so no wonder she replied with maybe. Direct would be: "We should go out again sometime. How about next Saturday?" Or "I'd like to go out with you again. How about I contact you during the week to set something up."

She doesn't seem to be friend zoning you. Most likely, just mirroring your level of interest.

Also, not all relationships start with a bang. Some are built with time, by getting to know the other person slowly but steadily. It's all about moving forward/progressing.

Oh, as someone who used to be the queen of overthinking... don't. It's your greatest enemy.

Thanks.

I hope it really is as you say, but things don't seem to be going in that direction. She's responding rarely, seems a bit distant. When I asked if she would like to go to an exhibition she said she doesn't like exhibitions and she doesn't have a lot of time right now so no, but when I asked if she'd like to go for a walk and grab ice cream again she said "yeah sure". I'll try asking her out next week, but I don't really have a lot of hopes. 

 

[Alokinga]

On 5/19/2024 at 8:12 PM, catfeeder said:

Or, it meant that she really enjoyed doing that concert with you, or she doesn't want to be reduced to just a hang-out 'Netflix and chill' while she's trying to get to know you.

She's hoping you're not too reclusive. She's social with her friends, and nobody wants to become the entire focus of another's world--along with being their only lifeline to getting out in the world.

This is all pretty standard stuff. If it pushes you to question whether you've cultivated an active and healthy enough social life, then this experience is pointing you in the right direction. Everyone overthinks dates to one degree or another. People who are confident with the rest of their lives are able to let that roll right off them. People who are NOT confident, and who might cling to a relationship because they have nothing else going on, do tend to overthink themselves into misery. That's a clear sign to step up and do the work on helping yourself to feel more confident--even if that means taking enough pride in your solo pursuits that you don't feel 'put down' by standard dating interactions.

Head high, you can do this.

 

 

Thanks.

Maybe my overthinking wasn't completely baseless since she started responding more and more rarely to my messages. When I asked if she'd like to go to an exhibition she said she doesn't like them and doesn't have much time so no, but said "yeah sure" to a walk and ice cream. Haven't set anything up, but it seems this thing is just going to fizzle out unfortunately. Which makes me pretty sad because I felt a strong potential that evening and she was always dear to me.

[Alokinga]

On 5/23/2024 at 5:44 PM, jul-els said:

Your insecurities are causing you to read between the lines and see things that aren’t there. She’s expressing interest in you. Enjoy it. Take the time to get to know her. Relax. Be confident and take the lead. Let go of your expectations and just see where things go.

Thanks.

However, maybe I wasn't so wrong in my analysis because she started replying less and less last week. I feel like this thing is just going to fade out by itself and there's nothing I can do about it.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks.

However, maybe I wasn't so wrong in my analysis because she started replying less and less last week. I feel like this thing is just going to fade out by itself and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'd follow up one more time - hey it's supposed to be nice out on ____ want to meet at ____ park/trail and then get ice cream? I once invited a guy I was friendly with to attend an event with me (shared interest) and he said "you know it's not really my thing but how about we go for sushi next week?"  A person who is interested will suggest another plan. (and it turned out yes he meant it as a date- I figured a group event was a good way to gauge interest).

[Alokinga]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd follow up one more time - hey it's supposed to be nice out on ____ want to meet at ____ park/trail and then get ice cream? I once invited a guy I was friendly with to attend an event with me (shared interest) and he said "you know it's not really my thing but how about we go for sushi next week?"  A person who is interested will suggest another plan. (and it turned out yes he meant it as a date- I figured a group event was a good way to gauge interest).

Thanks for your response. I guess I'll ask her tomorrow if she's free next week, that should put the last nail in the coffin if it's not meant to be lol

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks for your response. I guess I'll ask her tomorrow if she's free next week, that should put the last nail in the coffin if it's not meant to be lol

No I would ask for a specific day with a specific activity.  Follow up on your original plan. When my future husband and I met up platonically after being apart for years we planned the first meet up together for dinner.  Then a few days later he called "I have an extra ticket for [a play] this Saturday night -are you free?" I actually assumed it was maybe a group activity and it wasn't a date - I didn't know -but the fact that he had a specific day and activity in mind was a real positive.  I said yes because I wanted to see him -I'd felt a spark - and didn't really care which play it was.  Then he planned dinner before etc.  A man with a plan shows healthy confidence and a focus on sort of closing the deal instead of a vague "hey are you free next week?"

[Alokinga]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I would ask for a specific day with a specific activity.  Follow up on your original plan. When my future husband and I met up platonically after being apart for years we planned the first meet up together for dinner.  Then a few days later he called "I have an extra ticket for [a play] this Saturday night -are you free?" I actually assumed it was maybe a group activity and it wasn't a date - I didn't know -but the fact that he had a specific day and activity in mind was a real positive.  I said yes because I wanted to see him -I'd felt a spark - and didn't really care which play it was.  Then he planned dinner before etc.  A man with a plan shows healthy confidence and a focus on sort of closing the deal instead of a vague "hey are you free next week?"

I mean I already sent her a post for a concert and told her it seemed interesting and she didn't react. She declined when I asked about going to an exhibition because she doesn't like them (fair enough). She also won't come to my performance because of "obligations". What I'm getting from that is a sense of general unavailability, so asking for an entire week feels more logical than one specific day. Besides, if I even have to carefully plan the way I'm going to ask her out for a simple walk, I think it's safe to say she's not interested. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

I mean I already sent her a post for a concert and told her it seemed interesting and she didn't react. She declined when I asked about going to an exhibition because she doesn't like them (fair enough). She also won't come to my performance because of "obligations". What I'm getting from that is a sense of general unavailability, so asking for an entire week feels more logical than one specific day. Besides, if I even have to carefully plan the way I'm going to ask her out for a simple walk, I think it's safe to say she's not interested. 

Up to you.  I would follow up on the walk and ice cream plan -is there a half day hike you can invite her to? You don't have to date.  You don't have to date her.  This was just my suggestion.

[Alokinga]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Up to you.  I would follow up on the walk and ice cream plan -is there a half day hike you can invite her to? You don't have to date.  You don't have to date her.  This was just my suggestion.

I appreciate your suggestion, I was just saying my thoughts. I don't have a lot of time either because of a lot of exams coming in two weeks, so a walk and ice cream would be the best I can do. I'll try that. Thanks.

[jul-els]

If she’s fading out, just let it go. Never waste your time trying to chase someone down. Just mark it down as another person you met on your way to finding someone who you’re compatible with. 

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, Alokinga said:

What I'm getting from that is a sense of general unavailability, so asking for an entire week feels more logical than one specific day. Besides, if I even have to carefully plan the way I'm going to ask her out for a simple walk, I think it's safe to say she's not interested. 

If she's got a busy schedule, why be the one always guessing on when she is free or trying to pin down a time? Why not ask her when she is available? Put the ball in her court to make a definitive plan. She said she wanted to go for ice cream? Then have her say when she's free to go get it and don't let her give some vague answer that leaves it open for the future.

You're planning how to ask because you're overthinking and worrying about the response. You've convinced yourself she's not interested.in anything, so that's what you'll see in her response, no matter what it is. Don't worry about. Just do what feels natural to you and let what happens, happen.