How do I get people to stop talking to me about things I find distasteful?

[catfeeder]

I was a contractor for many years, so I was often 'the new kid' in the office. I'd keep a running list of questions about how I can learn to do something better. So when someone I'd identified as a chatterbox would approach my desk, I'd exchange some pleasantries, and then, when I could sense that they were about to jump down a rabbit hole with something personal, I'd say, "You know? I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can help me with something..." and I'd ask them one of my questions and show them my spreadsheet, or whatever.

I basically trained certain people to stay away unless they wanted to get pulled into my work.

[Cherylyn]

Since they're your colleagues,  it's different than other more avoidable people in society.  Look disinterested,  change the subject,  circle back to work related topics,  get distracted,  answer phone calls,  interrupt them due to your urgent matters,  excuse yourself to use the restroom,  etc.  I've also learned that a very good tactic is to interrupt them during their mid-sentence since most people despite getting interrupted or talking over them.  After awhile,  they'll learn to avoid you and stop dumping their ______  all over you.  😉

[LootieTootie]

I once met a fortune teller and the OP's posts eerily reminds me of the fortune teller's sales pitch to me. Lots of "empath" "energies" "sensitive" buzz words.

I hate to break it to you, Shelby. But you arent special. You just don't know how to be direct or tactful to get people not to overshare with you. We ALL can be intuitive, sensitive, empathetic and "feel energy" or whatever you want to call it... if we tap/choose to be. These qualities/traits are not assigned to special group of people. 

And this whole "I absorb so much" - just sounds like a lot of overload on self-absorption to me.

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

answer phone calls, 

Do people still get phone calls? My company actually removed our desk phones because no one uses them anymore and they didn't see the need to pay for the phone system. They haven't had a receptionist for years. 

But I do agree with not making eye contact and being "busy" doing things on your computer. Saying "I'm sorry but I have a lot on my plate". Anyone with minimal intelligence will take the hint and walk away. 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm getting a different sort of vibe from this thead, and it's a vibe that involves high horses.

I am as well MC.

On 5/14/2024 at 8:13 AM, shelby6811 said:

What I'm having trouble dealing with is WHY all these people seek me out to tell me these annoying, ridiculous, overpersonal things about their lives.

Wow.  Given you described yourself as an "empath" I was quite surprised when I read this^^.

I'm wondering what type of "vibe" such people sense in you that they feel open and comfortable sharing sensitive info with you?  Someone open, kind and understanding? 

Because what's quoted above reflects the mindset of someone unkind and who lacks empathy.  It's actually quite a judgmental and cruel way to think imo.  So it is quite curious that such people come to you at all.

I am also diagnosed as 'HSP' and have a heightened awareness of stimuli around me.  And yes it can be quite emotionally draining at times, so I understand that part.  And as such, I'm learning how to set and maintain stronger boundaries and when to distance.

Those on this forum could probably attest to that and how I sometimes tend to become too invested in some of these threads almost as if their experience is happening to me! 

My goal is to "understand" and try to help.  But can become overwhelming at times so I distance and withdraw.  Both online and off.  

But here, I mean no offense and don't doubt you may be HSP but there appears to be a darker energy of sorts lurking within you as well.  

So taking some time learning to understand yourself better might be a better use of your time and energy versus wasting it on assessing others and negatively judging their experiences since admittedly you cannot be bothered anyway.

Simply distance yourself.  Graciously withdraw from the conversation. 

Problem solved. 

Good luck. 

[Jaunty]

Not necessarily pertaining to the OP (but may be worth some self reflection), being empathetic does not necessarily correlate with being kind or caring or anything else "nice" regarding other people.

It simply means that you can feel what others are feeling.  

Also - "highly sensitive person," bipolar person, alcoholic person, person with really bad PMS - it's still up to the person themselves to do what is necessary for them to function well in the world, if they intend to function well in the world, and if they are capable at all.   Not to get other people to conform to their unique challenges.   

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It simply means that you can feel what others are feeling.  

Completely agree^, however it also entails an attempt to "understand" their plight versus "negatively judging" their plight, which is how I interpreted what the OP wrote.  

From Psychology Today:

>>Empathy is shown in how much compassion and understanding we can give to another.  Empathy is our ability to understand how someone feels by placing ourselves in their shoes and connecting with what they may be feeling and experiencing....<<

 

[catfeeder]

On 5/14/2024 at 10:17 AM, shelby6811 said:

...most of the time I want to tell them "You're doing this to yourself. Where's your brain?"

The same can be asked of you, Shelby. Just as you want to tell your confessors to use better judgment and manage their own choices, the same applies to you. You can 'manage' these people away from you by simply telling them that you aren't available because you are busy learning a new job.

[boltnrun]

I tend to take on other people's problems. But not to my own detriment. I say "I'm sorry, that sounds difficult. Want to talk about it at break time? I can step away from my desk for ten minutes at 9:30 am if you want to meet in the break area outside."

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Not necessarily pertaining to the OP (but may be worth some self reflection), being empathetic does not necessarily correlate with being kind or caring or anything else "nice" regarding other people.

It simply means that you can feel what others are feeling.  

Actually, it does. "Empathic" means that you can understand other people emotions and problems and sort of put yourself in their shoes. If you say stuff like "I have no time for them, I dont want to hear about their problems", you are simply not emphatic by definition of it. For example, people with narcissism dont have empathy. Because they are so into their world that everyone else problems seem like nuisance. They cant put themselves in other people shoes because they are not "emphatic". And they need to be in order for them to understand what other person is coming through. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@shelby6811 I am not sure if you're still reading but if you do happen to check back in, as I was walking to work, I got to thinking more about your situation and my thought is that the way you worded your posts were not how you intended for them to come across?  At least to some members? 

Which was a bit judgmental, that you couldn't be bothered and don't care, which again may NOT be how you intended for your posts to be received.  

I don't know, I am simply attempting to see it differently, more positively.

In any event, you asked why people target you as someone to share their darkest/negative experiences with, and it's quite possible that the "vibe" you send is that of a person who would understand or at least try to, a vibe of openness without judgment.  So they feel comfortable sharing.

What they DON'T realize is that since you are HSP and as such have a heightened awareness of stimuli around you that profoundly affects you emotionally and can often bring YOU down, listening to their problems and the negative energy that often accompanies that is detrimental to your internal core depending on how "sensitive" you are to outside stimuli.  Only YOU can answer that.

It doesn't mean you lack empathy necessarily, it only means that for your own emotional self-preservation, you cannot be around it.

I can actually relate to this as I myself can only be around negative energy for short periods of time before it starts negatively affecting me emotionally and bringing me down, after which as I said, I need to distance and withdraw.

I don't always succeed, again I tend to get very wrapped up in people's "issues" so the advice I give to you (distance and withdraw) is advice I am still learning myself!

When people approach you with their problems, you are not obligated to listen.  However you can still empathize to a degree and be gracious and simply say "I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, I truly hope you are able to work it out, please take care."  And then go about doing your job.

If you're interested, I recently created a thread in the business section about a work situation that was extremely negative and affected me in a very profound way.  Unfortunately I am training this person so I cannot simply walk away however I can "tune it out" and not allow it to affect me so deeply.

Something I have learned that many here will attest to also is that you can never change another person's behavior, you can only change how YOU react to it.

Navigating all these conflicting emotions is NOT easy so be patient with yourself.

Again, good luck and take care...

 

 

 

 

 

[shelby6811]

20 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@shelby6811 I am not sure if you're still reading but if you do happen to check back in, as I was walking to work, I got to thinking more about your situation and my thought is that the way you worded your posts were not how you intended for them to come across?  At least to some members? 

Which was a bit judgmental, that you couldn't be bothered and don't care, which again may NOT be how you intended for your posts to be received.  

I don't know, I am simply attempting to see it differently, more positively.

In any event, you asked why people target you as someone to share their darkest/negative experiences with, and it's quite possible that the "vibe" you send is that of a person who would understand or at least try to, a vibe of openness without judgment.  So they feel comfortable sharing.

What they DON'T realize is that since you are HSP and as such have a heightened awareness of stimuli around you that profoundly affects you emotionally and can often bring YOU down, listening to their problems and the negative energy that often accompanies that is detrimental to your internal core depending on how "sensitive" you are to outside stimuli.  Only YOU can answer that.

It doesn't mean you lack empathy necessarily, it only means that for your own emotional self-preservation, you cannot be around it.

I can actually relate to this as I myself can only be around negative energy for short periods of time before it starts negatively affecting me emotionally and bringing me down, after which as I said, I need to distance and withdraw.

I don't always succeed, again I tend to get very wrapped up in people's "issues" so the advice I give to you (distance and withdraw) is advice I am still learning myself!

When people approach you with their problems, you are not obligated to listen.  However you can still empathize to a degree and be gracious and simply say "I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, I truly hope you are able to work it out, please take care."  And then go about doing your job.

If you're interested, I recently created a thread in the business section about a work situation that was extremely negative and affected me in a very profound way.  Unfortunately I am training this person so I cannot simply walk away however I can "tune it out" and not allow it to affect me so deeply.

Something I have learned that many here will attest to also is that you can never change another person's behavior, you can only change how YOU react to it.

Navigating all these conflicting emotions is NOT easy so be patient with yourself.

Again, good luck and take care...

 

 

 

 

 

This is very nice, rainbows and roses, and I truly thank you for trying to understand and see a more positive side. I felt a little attacked by other responses from some on here. I have always had trouble with the way I word things, so my comments may have some across as dismissive.

I think what you said about about the vibe I may be giving off, of someone who is understanding and open and would listen and care, is right on. That's why people come to me and talk to me about things. I don't believe I lack empathy, I think it's what you said, that it's so uncomfortable to me to hear about others' trauma, and brings me down so much, that I can't be around it. It's emotional self preservation. I don't think I'm special, or expect special treatment, or for others to conform to my challenges, I really hope I'm not self absorbed the way I've been accused of being on here. I simply wish I didn't feel so dumped on, by overly personal information that I'd rather not know. I'm working on my boundaries and I'm pretty good at it in some ways, but I still feel like there's a sign over my head that attracts people who want to unload inappropriate personal information on me. And I really don't think I'm obligated to listen to anyone who I feel might be bad for me, even if they've obviously got stuff going on.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'll put it into motion.

[Cherylyn]

I am perceived as very empathetic,  very nice and well mannered.  Unfortunately,  I attract people who sense that I'm an easy target.  For a while,  I made myself vulnerable to their zeroing in on me.  ☹️

I used a new tactic of mine.  I began interrupting them with different subjects which was totally off their topic.  They despised taking detours as I manipulated their conversation with me.  After repetitive interruptions,  they took a hint and no longer dumped their _______ in my direction.  I put an end to it.  😉 👍

People love good listeners and when you fail to give them what they want,  they move onto their next sucker.  🥴

[Cherylyn]

On 5/15/2024 at 5:50 AM, boltnrun said:

Do people still get phone calls? My company actually removed our desk phones because no one uses them anymore and they didn't see the need to pay for the phone system. They haven't had a receptionist for years. 

But I do agree with not making eye contact and being "busy" doing things on your computer. Saying "I'm sorry but I have a lot on my plate". Anyone with minimal intelligence will take the hint and walk away. 

Yes,  people whom I know still receive phone calls. 

OP, @shelby6811,  whenever people start dumping their _______ on you all over again,  check your phone for voicemails,  texts,  emails and look disinterested.  🙄Interrupt the talker and tell them you need to return calls,  reply to work related matters or interrupt them with irrelevant questions.  As they dump on you,  interrupt them while they're speaking.  Talk over them.   Sooner or later,  they'll grow frustrated with you to the point of moving onto someone who will actually give them an ear.  👂  Make your ear 👂 unavailable to them.  They'll take your hint and get your message loud and clear.  😉 😋
 

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes people listen to office gossip and others dramas out of boredom and morbid curiosity. That has nothing to do with empathy, "empaths" or "HSP".  So if it annoys you just sidestep things rather than listening and getting upset  

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

people whom I know still receive phone calls.

I sure do, and our phones are still very active at work as well. 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That has nothing to do with empathy, "empaths" or "HSP".  So if it annoys you just sidestep things rather than listening and getting upset  

My take on it, too. It's not that big a deal, OP. It's a strange reason to get all worked up about women who are being abused.