I'm completely lost on how to even getting started in the dating "game"

[Troy324]

I'm really wanting to get into dating but I don't even know how to start, I'm a good public speaker but when it comes to talking to women my lips turn to glue. I don't know what it is but it seems like I can't get anywhere, I know that for anyone who has experience dating to help me out they probably need to know some about me. I'm a 21 year old man at 6'3" and about 185lbs with an athletic build. I don't cuss, drink, smoke, vape, or use any drugs and have no criminal record. I use to be a competitive fighter and quit because after more than 200 fights it was affecting my personality so I got out. Currently I work as a carpenter but have applied to a local fire department to begin my career in the fire service. What I want out of a relationship is to ultimately find a woman who will be my best friend as well as my wife and I want to have children and raise them, I've been helping raise kids since I was 7 and I love kids (they're really cool, and you can't beat some of their facial expressions), there are times I prefer to just hang out with kids(my nieces and my nephew usually, I'm the "fun uncle") instead of adults because seeing their innocence and pure joy out of the simplest things always cheers me up and reminds me there's still something good in this world, but the root of my problem is I can't break the barrier to ask a girl out, so if anyone can help me out I'd greatly appreciate it. What is I'm doing wrong and how do I fix it?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Troy324 said:

 when it comes to talking to women my lips turn to glue. I don't know what it is but it seems like I can't get anywhere, I know that for anyone who has experience dating to help me out they probably need to know some about me. I'm a 21 year old man.

Have you tried getting a good profile and pics on quality relationship focused dating apps? That's one way to break the ice and start meeting women.

You also have a lot of interests which is great, but consider joining some groups and clubs, taking some classes and courses and having fun broadening your social horizons.

You'll see people regularly and become more relaxed talking to women.  Try not to put this much pressure on yourself in finding a wife and mother for your children. This type of extreme pressure would scare women off.  Try to relax into things and try not to oversell yourself. 

[Batya33]

I would channel the assertiveness you rely on in other areas of life -like all the strides you are making in your career- applying to a fire department and going through that sort of training requires a lot of spunk! -use that into faking it till you make it - telling yourself you can do this -you can ask a woman out for a date you plan in advance.  First I'd be in environments where people -preferably single people - hang out -not bars but activities -sports, hikes, salsa dance classes, volunteering backstage at a community theater, volunteering with children who live in a homeless shelter, etc.  Where conversation is natural and people are basically sober and no cold approach needed.  Ask your friends to set you up with appropriate ladies.

Second once you're proactively out there if you strike up a conversation with a woman who seems interesting, ask her for her contact information or mention a festival you were thinking of attending -whatever -and invite her to join or simply say "I'd love to see you again - are you free this weekend (if it's at least a couple days in advance).

I don't think your height and weight are relevant really - I preferred dating shorter men actually - your values and goals are relevant as are your healthy lifestyle habits.  Being fit is a good thing of course.  Sure it takes some courage -I asked a number of men out for dates and asked for first meets through dating sites too.

I think dating sites are fine too - but I'd start with being out and about. To increase my chances of finding a husband -a good match for me -I moved 9 miles to be even more in the heart of the major city I grew up in -I was in my late 20s and fresh out of grad school -it helped my social life a great deal.  In fact my future husband -who I met at work - ended up moving into that same location from a similar location shortly after we started dating (we didn't marry till much later but that's another story).  I worked long hours -just as you likely will if you join a fire department - and being close to work -I walked -and close to all social activities helped a great deal.

(And yes I agree about kids - have a 15 year old son who is not yet dating -he has time!)

[smackie9]

Start with women that don't intimidate you...you don't have to commit to asking them for a date or whatever...just practice having conversations. Then work your way up to being able to socialize in any situation. 

[ShySoul]

You're not doing anything wrong, it's most likely mental. As someone who struggled to express feelings to women and who has spoken with many guys who are the same, the issue has tended to be in our heads. We out extra pressure on ourselves, thinking there is some right way to do things or plan we have to follow. We let our imagination run wild with all the possible responses, most of them being negative. We convince ourselves we will mess up, so either give up before we start or find a way to mess it up and confirm the fears we already had. We are our own worse critics and don't think we could possibly have a woman like the one we are interested in.

Not saying you are dealing with any of these in particular, but I suspect you might be able to relate to something in there.

So how do you counter it? By not trying to counter it. Trying to fix it will only focus your mind on the idea that you have a problem you need to fix. It creates more pressure and more anxiety.

Change the perspective and not view dating as a game. There are no rules, no winners and losers. There's no set turns or timer. It happens when it's right. Remove the anxiety of thinking you should be dating, and you are free to simply enjoy whatever comes in life. And before you know it, something will probably come up that you'll be more open and relaxed about because you aren't trying or thinking so hard. 

If you love children, find a way to get involved with them. Be a Big Brother. Voluneer for a Boys & Girls Club. Find a tutoring program. I've always loved children for the same reasons you do and have had women be more attracted to me based off of how I interact with them. Being the fun uncle could work to your benefit.

Basically, just do what you love and makes you happy. That will bring about natural confidence in yourself and help you relax. That in turn will make it more likely someone will notice you, maybe even starting the conversation themselves. Plus you give yourself the chance to meet someone with whom you have a built in shared interest to break the ice with. From there it's just staying calm, beliving in yourself, and letting things go where they go.

[TeeDee]

You seem articulate & thoughtful.  That is an excellent foundation.  As a fighter, a carpenter & a firefighter you have to talk to people.  Women are simply people.  Do look too far ahead.   At first all you want is that one initial conversation, nothing more.  Smile.  Say hello.  Make small talk about the weather or the local sports team.  As you get more comfortable in general conversation, then you can work up to asking a woman to coffee or out for a drink.  Keep that 1st date short, under 2 hours & low cost.  You are looking to see if you are comfortable with each other, having anything in common & find each other attractive.  You go from there. 

Until you get more confidence stay off the apps & dating sites.  Those can be brutal.  

[catfeeder]

On 5/13/2024 at 11:15 PM, Troy324 said:

...when it comes to talking to women my lips turn to glue.

Just as we all need to crawl before walking, you'll need to learn to talk before you can get anywhere with women.

So put the end goal aside for long enough to teach yourself how to grow confident in speaking with women. Practice everywhere and with everyone--older women, less than attractive women, as well as attractive women. Just learn how to strike up short conversations without the pressure of a goal. Then walk away. Put each instance into your resilience pocket, no matter how the woman has responded. You'll learn over time how to feel natural doing this, even if someone cuts you short or ignores you.

Unless you can overcome getting tongue-tied, your possibilities for asking a woman for her number or getting to know her well enough to ask her out on a date are zero. So address this barrier first, and only concern yourself with a larger goal AFTER you've scaled that hurdle.

[Andrina]

I'm just wondering if you have guy friends, and if so, if they have girlfriends, you can practice making small talk with them.

If you don't have guy friends, that's something you should be working on, too, since women like a man to expand her world by double dating and hanging out with group friends. If she's your only outlet besides family for your social life, that's too much pressure on her.

I agree that OLD is not the right fit to begin dating. See if there are any Meetup. com groups in your area, and even better if there are ones for singles in your age group. It'd be good to get to know the women who attend gradually and get signs a particular, special one is just as interested in you as you are of her. A good way to meet new male buddies as well. 

And just so you know, most people don't meet their lifetime partner on their first try at dating. Many must have more than one relationship and that's okay. With each dating experience, you learn who is right for you and who isn't. A lot of things must match. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[ShySoul]

Troy, every relationship will be different. Every date will be different. No one has the exact same path to finding love. So don't worry about it. 

For some experience and going on dates are necessary to help them grow and understand themselves enough to figure out what they want. For others, they already know. Some are naturals that can handle whatever situations arise. Some need to see what's out there, others are ready to settle down early. Some people take years to find the right person, others do it right away. Anything can happen.

The important thing is to do what's right for you. Don't feel like you have to be anything or do anything. Just be you. There will be people not interested or who think you should be something else. Those aren't the people you would want to be with anyway. There are also plenty of people who will like you just as you are. So believe in yourself and focus on being the authentic you, whoever that may be.

[Armen]

On 5/16/2024 at 4:38 PM, ShySoul said:

Troy, every relationship will be different. Every date will be different. No one has the exact same path to finding love. So don't worry about it. 

For some experience and going on dates are necessary to help them grow and understand themselves enough to figure out what they want. For others, they already know. Some are naturals that can handle whatever situations arise. Some need to see what's out there, others are ready to settle down early. Some people take years to find the right person, others do it right away. Anything can happen.

The important thing is to do what's right for you. Don't feel like you have to be anything or do anything. Just be you. There will be people not interested or who think you should be something else. Those aren't the people you would want to be with anyway. There are also plenty of people who will like you just as you are. So believe in yourself and focus on being the authentic you, whoever that may be.

I can agree here, because dating experience is dating experience and everyone can have different ones, so i wouldn't worry if i were you