He lied about his age

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, yogacat said:

I feel like he's counting on you not having fully grasped the concept of setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.

It's like he's banking on the fact that he can dangle things like money, housing, and job opportunities in front of you and that will be enough to make you overlook the age thing. I don’t know if this guy is actively cognizant of any of this, but it's almost like saying, "I can have someone with younger, perky boobs who won't demand too much from me emotionally."

Both aspects are yucky, but the second one is particularly insidious.

He could be the one who defies expectations and ends up being a perfect match for you and he’s emotionally intelligent enough to be able to navigate the dynamics of an age gap relationship with you. But, I'm not too sure. Because that requires not saying you're younger then your age in order to attract younger woman and he isn’t even giving you that. Which frankly is kind of the bare minimum.

If you are super satisfied with his answer, which is sounds like you are, then ride it out.

Once again, it's up to you to determine what your deal breakers are. You decide what you are willing to put up with and what you want to spend your energy on! 

I agree -he likely is not dangerous or even potentially abusive in any way based on these sorts of cringey lies and blatant disrespect of  you and obnoxious assumptions about women and energy level etc - but know if  you introduce him to anyone you care about or work colleagues  that he is comfortable justifying lying to suit his own whims or preferences so I'd avoid letting him get too involved in your personal life or with your inner circle.  If the sex is good and he can keep up with you and if you've been having fun so far go for it -I'd just proceed with caution because you don't want your loved ones/inner circle or work reputation compromised if he chooses to lie to them in a way that results in inconvenience or worse.  I know what he promised but since his lying was prolonged and multilayered he might not lie to you but you don't know how he conducts himself in his life otherwise.

I don't think this requires any concept of boundaries -it's plain old common sense of choosing how to avoid people or distance oneself from people who act in an unethical way.

[DarkCh0c0]

On 5/8/2024 at 2:53 PM, pmw06092016 said:

planned to tell me on the second date but didn’t know how, he said he kept leaving things on tables when we were together with his Dob on hoping I’d see which I remember and eventually that happened.

For real? How dumb does he think you are? His behaviour is childish and manipulative.

How about have a conversation like an adult?

The lie is one problem, but the fact he did this tells me he's so immature and takes you/women for a fool.

On 5/9/2024 at 3:07 AM, pmw06092016 said:

He’s lovely to me, but I do agree that 15 years may be too much so I just need to have a really good think

He needs to play his charm to hook you in. It's no wonder he's so lovely. 

Definitely have a think at this OP. You deserve better.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -he likely is not dangerous or even potentially abusive in any way based on these sorts of cringey lies and blatant disrespect of  you and obnoxious assumptions about women and energy level etc - but know if  you introduce him to anyone you care about or work colleagues  that he is comfortable justifying lying to suit his own whims or preferences so I'd avoid letting him get too involved in your personal life or with your inner circle.  If the sex is good and he can keep up with you and if you've been having fun so far go for it -I'd just proceed with caution because you don't want your loved ones/inner circle or work reputation compromised if he chooses to lie to them in a way that results in inconvenience or worse.  I know what he promised but since his lying was prolonged and multilayered he might not lie to you but you don't know how he conducts himself in his life otherwise.

I don't think this requires any concept of boundaries -it's plain old common sense of choosing how to avoid people or distance oneself from people who act in an unethical way.

Well, maybe for someone like the OP that struggles with setting boundaries and standing up for herself, it could be beneficial for her to reflect on what her boundaries are in this situation.

Common sense for sure but sometimes people need to be reminded of their worth and that they don't have to put up with someone who is dishonest and manipulative, regardless of their good qualities or the fun they have together.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

Well, maybe for someone like the OP that struggles with setting boundaries and standing up for herself, it could be beneficial for her to reflect on what her boundaries are in this situation.

Common sense for sure but sometimes people need to be reminded of their worth and that they don't have to put up with someone who is dishonest and manipulative, regardless of their good qualities or the fun they have together.

Yes and she can do that -from a distance from him.  I don't think this is an example of needing to struggle.  She has to decide what value she places on honesty about basic facts, her sense of value as a woman (clearly his are questionable as Miss Lolita expressed), her sense of basic respect from another human (again echoing others like Lolita who have posted here).  If it is that much of a struggle in this situation I think it's too dangerous for her to get involved with anyone right now.  

Some people might prefer to date someone with his values if they want leeway to lie in this way and to generalize about men or whoever in the way he has -to say disrespectful things and deceive and betray - the OP doesn't seem like that at all, in the least.

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and she can do that -from a distance from him.  I don't think this is an example of needing to struggle.  She has to decide what value she places on honesty about basic facts, her sense of value as a woman (clearly his are questionable as Miss Lolita expressed), her sense of basic respect from another human (again echoing others like Lolita who have posted here).  If it is that much of a struggle in this situation I think it's too dangerous for her to get involved with anyone right now.  

Some people might prefer to date someone with his values if they want leeway to lie in this way and to generalize about men or whoever in the way he has -to say disrespectful things and deceive and betray - the OP doesn't seem like that at all, in the least.

Huh? I don't see any comments from Miss Lolita in this thread...

[Wonderstruck]

On 5/8/2024 at 7:53 AM, pmw06092016 said:

He said he kept leaving things on tables when we were together with his Dob on hoping I’d see

LMAO, and you believed this?

Why would he bother going through the trouble of taking this convoluted, indirect route of letting you know his real age, as opposed to just telling you directly?

And why wasn't his nonsensical response a complete turn-off for you?

 

On 5/8/2024 at 7:53 AM, pmw06092016 said:

He said women his age have a lower energy in life than him and he likes women a bit younger.

Well, as long as you're in a relationship with him, you better not age.

I can't believe you decided to give him a second chance.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, yogacat said:

Huh? I don't see any comments from Miss Lolita in this thread...

Oh wow my apologies!! I could have sworn and maybe was removed or someone else. I can't find it now and very sorry for my mistake although I was obviously complimenting that person's insights.  I do  appreciate Wonderstruck's comments.

Thanks for pointing out my mistake in such a direct way.  

[JayParker]

On 5/6/2024 at 8:46 AM, pmw06092016 said:

I saw a letter on his table which revealed he’s actually 54 so 15 years older than me

I'm wondering how many readers here have a *ahem* *cough" letter on [their] table; which reveals their age.

Even if you weren't snooping through his wallet (while he was asleep or in another room etc... ) you were still violating his privacy. Meanwhile, you wish to measure his behavior by a different yardstick?

I'm not dismissing this guy for his deceptive behavior, but you also deserve equal scrutiny.

[Cherylyn]

Lying is a real permanent deal breaker.  ☹️  You'll never be able to trust him.  👎

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, JayParker said:

I'm wondering how many readers here have a *ahem* *cough" letter on [their] table; which reveals their age.

Even if you weren't snooping through his wallet (while he was asleep or in another room etc... ) you were still violating his privacy. Meanwhile, you wish to measure his behavior by a different yardstick?

I'm not dismissing this guy for his deceptive behavior, but you also deserve equal scrutiny.

He  told he left it out on purpose so he wouldn't have to tell her the truth. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He  told he left it out on purpose so he wouldn't have to tell her the truth. 

It's still pretty bizarre though, reading a letter personally addressed to him? 

I dunno I'm envisioning this scenario, seeing my boyfriend's mail laying about, on a table or wherever, it wouldn't occur to me to read it.... would you?  

It's a letter addressed to him and none of my business and if a boyfriend read my personal mail, THAT might be the dealbreaker.... for me. 

It's equally weird that he would intentionally leave the letter on a table expecting that she would read it, a private letter personally addressed to him?

Why would he expect that she would read a private letter addressed to him? 

Or hope she read it?  To avoid actually telling her? The truth comes out either way whether HE verbally tells her or she reads a personal letter addressed to him.  

Something just sounds off about it but probably doesn't matter, last I read she decided to continue seeing him.

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's still pretty bizarre though, reading a letter personally addressed to him? 

I dunno I'm envisioning this scenario, seeing my boyfriend's mail laying about, on a table or wherever, it wouldn't occur to me to read it.... would you?  

It's a letter addressed to him and none of my business and if a boyfriend read my personal mail, THAT might be the dealbreaker.... for me. 

It's equally weird that he would intentionally leave the letter on a table expecting that she would read it, a private letter personally addressed to him?

Why would he expect that she would read a private letter addressed to him? 

Something just sounds off about it but probably doesn't matter, last I read she decided to continue seeing him.

 

Yes. It’s all weird. Liars often do odd things. Especially since they have to cover their tracks. I will glance sometimes  as I walk by at my husband’s work laptop in case there is a notification he should know about but I’d never lift up the cover if it was closed etc. I check the mail so yes I look at his envelopes in case I know they’re junk. And we’re married. 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. It’s all weird. Liars often do odd things. Especially since they have to cover their tracks. I will glance sometimes  as I walk by at my husband’s work laptop in case there is a notification he should know about but I’d never lift up the cover if it was closed etc. I check the mail so yes I look at his envelopes in case I know they’re junk. And we’re married. 

Bat, you're husband and wife, it's different imo.  

Me?  I still wouldn't read mail personally addressed to my husband. 

To us as a couple, yes?  But not addressed to my husband personally. Nor would I be okay with him reading mine. 

Just my own personal boundary, some married couples may have an agreement that it's okay.

But here, they just started dating! 

So it's different imo. His behavior leaving it about expecting she would read it and the OP actually reading it. 

Anyway, hope things are going well for them despite this "hiccup." 

Stranger things have happened than this during early stages and all was forgiven and the couple carried on. 

So I wish them well. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So it's different imo. His behavior leaving it about expecting she would read it and the OP actually reading it. 

I think it's perfectly consistent with his  expecting a grown woman to keep dating him once finding out his lie and excuses for why he lied.  

I wish her well and hope she sees the light.