Did I miss my chance or am I just overthinking?

[grottle]

I met her (F25) through my friend's girlfriend who introduced us last September. First we were meeting when out. with friends and we got along really well. Then we met two times on our own to a concert and a breakfast, started texting every day and one time even my friends gf told me she told her she liked me. Then during January, she had a lot of exams and we saw each other less frequently but during february and march we went on a few dates, concerts and she even got me a quite expensive gift for brithday which totally shocked me. I sent her flowers for Valentines (shes in a different city to finish her school during week) she said she loved it. We cuddled a lot, had great time together and it felt obvious we really like each other but it didn't go any further. I started overthinking how to tell her how I feel about her, waiting for the "right time" but never actally did which I now regret. I never felt so good with anyone in years and my feelings towards her are stronger and stronger.
Fast forward to April, she''s going tough times now, she finishes her master degree, will move out of the city she goes to school to, leaving her friend behind. We haven''t seen each other in a month as she spends most of time working on her thesis or at school. We still text each other almost every day and I try to be as supportive in this situation and totally understand she doesn''t have that much time now, with a lot of things going on in her life so it's understandable she takes longer to respond. However, I feel like now we are growing apart because of that and I still think about how I missed my chance when I had it and now it's too late. Sometimes when we text now it sometimes feels like I''m bothering her (but all the reasons why could just be caused by her situation right now and different priorities so it just might be me overthinking everything once again)
'I feel like can''t hold it in anymore and want to tell or at least text her about my full feeling but with everything going on in her life right now, it just doesn't feel right to put her under more pressure. I''m. thinking of just waiting after the hardest parts are over and then tell her and see how she responds but that could take few motnhs or step back with communicating until then but that would make it look like I stopped caring about her which just isn''t true.

[MissCanuck]

Have you asked to see her recently?

Whatever you do, I would not go blurting out this confessional via text message. Too many things can get misinterpreted and then you'll be left wondering if she's read it, what she's thinking, when she's going to respond, and so on. 

[grottle]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you asked to see her recently?

Whatever you do, I would not go blurting out this confessional via text message. Too many things can get misinterpreted and then you'll be left wondering if she's read it, what she's thinking, when she's going to respond, and so on. 

We were supposed to meet last week but she had to go to work, I asked her once again this week ans she said she would like to meet but we didn't set up any specific time. I will try to bring it up again.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, grottle said:

I asked her once again this week ans she said she would like to meet but we didn't set up any specific time

Why not? 

When she said she would like to meet, that should have been your cue to name a date/time.

[grottle]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Why not? 

When she said she would like to meet, that should have been your cue to name a date/time.

I told about how I won tickets to a movie theater at work and Id like to go with her she said she would be glad to join me but it was her last day in her college dorm she told me how sad she was about it so I didn't push her into anything, that's also why I don't wanna jump into conclusions as she always communicated less when she was not feeling well but this time it's for much longer

[Andrina]

37 minutes ago, grottle said:

We cuddled a lot, had great time together and it felt obvious we really like each other but it didn't go any further. I started overthinking how to tell her how I feel about her, waiting for the "right time" but never actally did which I now regret.

What is cuddling? Did you make out? What do you mean it didn't go further? Did she say she was too busy when you again asked her out? Did she ever do the initiating about asking you out? I don't get why you had to "tell" her how you feel. Isn't daily communication and asking her on dates and showing affection showing that you are infatuated and want to continue seeing if you two can build something special?

If you never kissed her, maybe she grew frustrated and wondered if you two were just buddies.

How far is she moving away? I agree with the other poster that texting about important topics is never a good idea.

1 minute ago, grottle said:

We were supposed to meet last week but she had to go to work, I asked her once again this week ans she said she would like to meet but we didn't set up any specific time. I will try to bring it up again.

Now that I see your update, I see you've asked her twice in a row and she has not given an alternate date to the cancellation. No, do no bring it up again. The ball is in her court. You have to learn to let the other person give just as much effort in suggesting getting together. That give you a clear picture if they are invested in you just as much as you are invested in them.

If she lets things fade away, it means she was too cowardly to be honest and say she is no longer interested. If she does suggest something, you can move forward with more confidence and not be in this anxious state of wondering if she's into you or not. If you ask her yet again a 3rd time in a row, it'll be hounding her. If you're the one to always initiate the texting, ease back on that as well. See if she does her own initiating. If again, she lets you fade away, take a hint.

Dating involves all sorts of non-starters, but keep on trying because the reward when you find a keeper is wonderful.

 

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, grottle said:

'I feel like can''t hold it in anymore and want to tell or at least text her about my full feeling but

No, please no. 

You dont confess your feelings to somebody who doesnt even finds a time to see you. You break up with somebody like that. 

It’s probably your first relationship and that is OK. But this isn’t something where you want to spend your time. Anybody who cant make time for you is either

a) lying and doesnt really want to see you

b) busy to the point they dont need a boyfriend/girlfriend

Both of those indicate you got nothing to seek there. And that the best course of action is to find somebody who can make time for you.

[grottle]

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

What is cuddling? Did you make out? What do you mean it didn't go further? Did she say she was too busy when you again asked her out? Did she ever do the initiating about asking you out? I don't get why you had to "tell" her how you feel. Isn't daily communication and asking her on dates and showing affection showing that you are infatuated and want to continue seeing if you two can build something special?

If you never kissed her, maybe she grew frustrated and wondered if you two were just buddies.

How far is she moving away? I agree with the other poster that texting about important topics is never a good idea.

Now that I see your update, I see you've asked her twice in a row and she has not given an alternate date to the cancellation. No, do no bring it up again. The ball is in her court. You have to learn to let the other person give just as much effort in suggesting getting together. That give you a clear picture if they are invested in you just as much as you are invested in them.

If she lets things fade away, it means she was too cowardly to be honest and say she is no longer interested. If she does suggest something, you can move forward with more confidence and not be in this anxious state of wondering if she's into you or not. If you ask her yet again a 3rd time in a row, it'll be hounding her. If you're the one to always initiate the texting, ease back on that as well. See if she does her own initiating. If again, she lets you fade away, take a hint.

Dating involves all sorts of non-starters, but keep on trying because the reward when you find a keeper is wonderful.

 

She was going back and forth from city where both live to a city where she goes to school. She left the school city so she's actually moving closer. We didn't make out but until march we met almost every week some time a bit more sometimes a bit less frequently and in case who initiated the meetups it was about the same on both sides.

[Andrina]

Wow, all that time together and you never kissed? Do you lack confidence? 

[grottle]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Wow, all that time together and you never kissed? Do you lack confidence? 

In this area, I kinda do, and I know that's probably what caused this situation and now I'm afraid I won't have a chance to make it up

[smackie9]

Kinda hard to have anything out of this when she's busy, struggling with life, etc. Doesn't sound she's interested in dating anyone at this time. Bad timing. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, grottle said:

 I know that's probably what caused this situation and now I'm afraid I won't have a chance to make it up

Try to believe her that she's stressed and busy with her school. You didn't mess up. Just stay on the radar and offer to visit, see each other, take her out whatever, but don't suffocate or second guess. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, grottle said:

In this area, I kinda do, and I know that's probably what caused this situation and now I'm afraid I won't have a chance to make it up

Okay, well, have a wait-and-see attitude to see if there is any forward movement in the next few months. Could be that nothing you did or didn't do would've made any difference, but if it doesn't work out, please do improve in taking things on your dates, if they are going well, to the next level of kissing. Cuddling is a good sign a woman would welcome a kiss. If you reach out your hand and she takes it, if you open the door for her and place a light hand on her waist to guide her inside a restaurant and she doesn't balk at that, if you perform a loving gesture like brushing the hair back on her temple and she smiles, those are clues she would welcome a kiss.

I can say that when I was in community college, there were a few frustrating incidents. One with a guy who kept asking me to do things, with friends or one-on-one, but he would never try to kiss me. It was making me nervous since I didn't know if he just wanted to be friends, or if he was on some drug that affected his libido, or if he was gay but making an attempt of dating a girl which some do. So when we were at a party (didn't go together) and another guy asked for my number, I thought, "Why not? I don't know what the heck is going on with this other guy and I don't want to let an opportunity pass me by and find that nothing ever happens with Guy number 1." I hadn't the confidence back then to just ask the guy what he wanted from getting together with me.

I hope things work out the way you wish. If not, you'll join the club of millions of people who have to have numerous dating experiences before finding success.

[grottle]

Little update: she asked me herself that she finally has a day off and asked me to meet tomorrow so we will see each other. Don't know if it's gonna be just two of us or other friends but she still wants to see me at least. I will see how it goes

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, grottle said:

Little update: she asked me herself that she finally has a day off and asked me to meet tomorrow so we will see each other. Don't know if it's gonna be just two of us or other friends but she still wants to see me at least. I will see how it goes

That's great. Make a nice date of it. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, grottle said:

Little update: she asked me herself that she finally has a day off and asked me to meet tomorrow so we will see each other. Don't know if it's gonna be just two of us or other friends but she still wants to see me at least. I will see how it goes

This is great news! Enjoy, and see whether she’s open to even a small kiss. No need to go overboard and dump some big confession on her, just signal with a kiss that you’re interested in being more than friends. 

[grottle]

So we met but I don't think it helped in any way, it al went well but we were there with my best friend and her best friend (who are dating and introduced us in the first place) and she hadn't seen her in a long time as well so they talked a lot which I totally understand but we didn't have any time to spend just on our own. I was redy to give her a kiss but they were standing next to us. So I know she still cares about me in some way but im still confused

[grottle]

Okay, so we had a talk after that and she basically told me she can't see me as anything else than a friend, so I guess that's it

[Andrina]

That's disappointing, but now you can begin to emotionally move on. Now, as a new dater, you have some experience in going on dates and communicating so that experience will help you for the next time. Remember that a normal pace is is a good goal to have in future dating. Not fast, not slow, just normal. Little steps before going in for the first kiss. A woman accepting more than 3 or 4 dates obviously enjoys your company. Try holding hands to see if she is welcoming that, and keep progressing from there. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, grottle said:

Okay, so we had a talk after that and she basically told me she can't see me as anything else than a friend, so I guess that's it

Sorry this happened. At least she was honest so you're not being led on or wasting your time. Hopefully you can move forward to local interested women and invest more in that.

[grottle]

Thanks for all your support and advices, on one hand I feel sad about it on the other, it is kind of a relief to know what's going on. I hope I'll get over it soon

[grottle]

Just a little update, don't know if anyone cares but I like to keep it as a "journal". She later spicified that it was indeed because I waited too long to make a move after I told her she doesn't need to sugarcoat anything. The first day after was terrible, I was switching between sadness, anger and laughing. I downloaded a dating app to think about something else and give myself a new perspective (not really expecting anything just to talk to someone new for now). Also I contacted a friend who I didnt talk to for years and I didnt even know why because we got along well. I got few matches on the app one of them was a girl I talked to on the same app long time ago. And the friend actually told me she wanted to contact me as well. And both of them asked me if I want to go out. I'm not expecting anything but will see how it goes. So, even if it still hurts when I remember all the nice moment, I feel much better now when I feel there is someone who might appreciate me. Also, knowing what I did wrong, I now know better not to mess up so badly next time.

[HeartfeltDesire]

On 4/26/2024 at 5:14 AM, grottle said:

I met her (F25) through my friend's girlfriend who introduced us last September. First we were meeting when out. with friends and we got along really well. Then we met two times on our own to a concert and a breakfast, started texting every day and one time even my friends gf told me she told her she liked me. Then during January, she had a lot of exams and we saw each other less frequently but during february and march we went on a few dates, concerts and she even got me a quite expensive gift for brithday which totally shocked me. I sent her flowers for Valentines (shes in a different city to finish her school during week) she said she loved it. We cuddled a lot, had great time together and it felt obvious we really like each other but it didn't go any further. I started overthinking how to tell her how I feel about her, waiting for the "right time" but never actally did which I now regret. I never felt so good with anyone in years and my feelings towards her are stronger and stronger.
Fast forward to April, she''s going tough times now, she finishes her master degree, will move out of the city she goes to school to, leaving her friend behind. We haven''t seen each other in a month as she spends most of time working on her thesis or at school. We still text each other almost every day and I try to be as supportive in this situation and totally understand she doesn''t have that much time now, with a lot of things going on in her life so it's understandable she takes longer to respond. However, I feel like now we are growing apart because of that and I still think about how I missed my chance when I had it and now it's too late. Sometimes when we text now it sometimes feels like I''m bothering her (but all the reasons why could just be caused by her situation right now and different priorities so it just might be me overthinking everything once again)
'I feel like can''t hold it in anymore and want to tell or at least text her about my full feeling but with everything going on in her life right now, it just doesn't feel right to put her under more pressure. I''m. thinking of just waiting after the hardest parts are over and then tell her and see how she responds but that could take few motnhs or step back with communicating until then but that would make it look like I stopped caring about her which just isn''t true.

Your feelings towards her are stronger and stronger, and you've yet to express this to her. At this point, you're in a bit of a tight spot. You're on the right track, considering the potential pressure she's under right now. You need to give her space, and let her handle the stress of her current situation.

That being said, the longer you wait, the more you risk losing her. Not in the sense that she'll just up and disappear, but in the sense that she'll start to look at you differently. It's important that you strike a balance between giving her space and letting her know you're still there for her.

I'd suggest keeping your communications light and supportive. If an opportunity arises, let her know you've been thinking about her, and you're there for her whenever she needs a friend. Don't make it about you or your feelings yet. Just show her that you're a supportive, understanding person. After she's graduated and settled, then you can think about expressing your feelings to her. But for now, be the guy she can lean on.