Strong fantasies of disappearing every time I feel too vulnerable

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok you are a person who doesn't have close friendships where you care that much. 

I have several close life-long friendships but none of them are capable of injuring me to any real degree. Nor would I be putting this amount of time into them, they’re just different. Not necessarily less, just different 

[LootieTootie]

4 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

People’s worse traits come out in relationships. You have to have some semblance of a relationship to “practice” healthier tactics.  That’s not even me saying that, that’s come from the mouths of some really prominent psychotherapists, and I agree with it. I’ve been working on myself, actively, for a long time. As everyone should. But this new dynamic has brought to the surface some things I can refine. It’s not like I’ve been off p*sing about and now suddenly I want some sort of magic elixir.  this one issue popped up, and I’m addressing it so that I can have healthy attachments. 

Ok I agree with this even tho I am a big advocate of figuring your sh*t out before you get into a relationship. NN I think you're probably just tired and frustrated because this all new to you and you're not used to the mental and emotional aerobics of it all. Once you keep working on it, you will get better. The only problem I see is that your friend (or is it girlfriend now?) might find you exhausting too 😐 You mentioned she said you arent like this all the time but enough times for her to speak up. 

Any way, I think its an uphill battle for you but I do think that for you are trying to be a better and healthier version of you. It's hard to change what you've always been so I commend you for trying because we all can agree, a healthier version of you is a happier version.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I get that but then why not ask questions to get to the truth? Obviously no one is forced to take the time to interact with the people who post here right. But if someone so chooses to it seems counter-productive to have, what reads to me like an agenda, and flip the script around into a narrative that isn’t really occurring in that person’s life. 🤷‍♂️  like don’t treat me like im

some scummy pervert chasing a lonely old woman who is putting up boundaries to block my perversions, and then act like that’s what my post was about.  Then when I say “oh hey that’s not what’s happening” it’s already a strawman at that point. Not saying you’ve done this, just giving an example 

But why would you attempt to take her phone away? I don't need to label that with psychospeak/disorders -I'm not a mental health provider but common sense - as I wrote above- unless I'm missing something I don't know many people who would tolerate a romantic partner or close friend doing that without speaking up right then and drawing a line in the sand.  I've had to do  that with people in my life who did something extreme like that to me or my son.

[boltnrun]

I would not react well to having my phone snatched out of my hand either.

I think you realize now that was not and is not necessary.

It's usually a good idea to stop and think for a minute before acting or speaking. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I get that but then why not ask questions to get to the truth?

^^Why not communicate clearly and succinctly with ALL the context so those responding have a better understanding of the truth?

None of us are mind readers.

When you post:

17 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

People’s worse traits come out in relationships.

Which is a direct statement and we respond taking your words at face value as you posted them, it's NOT up to us to read your mind and know you did not mean those words literally and then become annoyed that we weren't able to read your mind, calling our responses "strawman" or whatever. 

It's up to you to explain what you meant right then and there so there's no misunderstanding.

Same with other comments you've made that were responded to not to your liking. 

Like when I responded to your post saying she called you controlling and a narcissist.

You posted:

17 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Yes of course I said that, that was the first question I asked.

Why is it "of course I said that" like I was a stupid idiot for not knowing that?  It's NOT what you posted!

You provided the full context of what you actually said in a later post. 

14 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That particular day I tried to take the phone out of her hand while she was using it because i thought she was doing something wrong.  And she got mad and said I often think I’m right and everyone else is wrong. Don’t snatch things from her space like that, it’s a boundary for her. So I said well to me I am right and am I supposed to just sit and watch you do something wrong?

^^Okay, I'll ask you a question.   What made you assume she was doing something "wrong"?  She was on her phone, a perfectly natural thing to do. 

I'm sure there is context missing which is what I'm talking about. 

Another question:

Why, in your mind, were you right?  Again, I'm sure there is additional context you have not provided such that you felt she was doing something wrong and you had to snatch her phone away.

NN, I'm not trying be adversarial or mean but the written word on forums like this, texting, etc can at times be ambiguous.

If you want people responding to have a full understanding and respond accurately, then try and be more clear in your communication.

Again none of us are mind readers.  We respond based on what you post. 

On our end and speaking for myself, I won't judge and will ask questions if something is confusing like I just did.

Just some things to consider if you're open to hearing the others side's perspective.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

, I’d still be trying to figure out how to overcome my dysfunctional tendencies so that I could have have functional relationships 

Try not to lash out at people with preemptive strikes. That type of defensiveness is consistent with the narcissism you claim you're trying to cure yourself if. Insight and alternative perspectives are the enemy of narcissism.  Perhaps a bit of open-mindedness and less lashing out would help?