Did I make the wrong decision

[lucyjo]

Around 2 years ago I started dating my current partner. We had lots of fun together and a good sex life. He was amazing with my 14 year old daughter which made a great change after my ex who was terrible with her. Although he had a lot of good points, i knew he wasn't perfect being he wasn't very affectionate and could be a bit rude (although not to me). He has 2 children and we had considered buying a house together and getting a dog in the future. Having a family and a house was all i ever dreamed of. He has been divorced in the past and said he didn't want to get married again but would consider a wedding abroad. 

We then started for looking for houses and knew we couldn't afford much but did find one house in our price range in the perfect location so we went ahead with the purchase and have been living there for 6 months. During this time we have both been quite stressed and tired so any fun we have had has stopped. We very rarely have sex unless i initiate it. He offers me no affection at all and even a kiss goodbye is hard work for him. We never hold hands or cuddle on the sofa. He never tells me he loves me. 

Some days I'm quite happy when i don't think about the issues but other days all i think is that I've made a terrible decision in buying this house with him as i am now tied down in a long mortgage and an 8 year loan to my parents. 

He can be quite difficult to talk to about relationship issues as he will say something like 'that sounds a you problem' or 'you knew i wasn't affectionate when we met'. Having a conversation with him makes me even more upset so i try to avoid the problem and footstep or joke around it instead. And he now says he never wants to get married. 

He's given me what i wanted which was a house and a family. But i am missing the love and knowing i have a life ahead of me without this or any chance of marriage is devastating. 

I am constantly thinking i made the wrong decision but i am not in a state to leave him financially so i feel like i need to get through these 8 years because i don't think he can be changed and i cannot discuss this with him as he gets rude which makes me feel worse and i am not good at confrontation. 

Don't get me wrong he has his good points, he works hard for us and our children get along great. 

I am posting on here for the first time to get this issue of my chest. I cant discuss with my family as i don't want them to think there is a problem. I also don't want to discuss with friends as i find it humiliating. 

[Kwothe28]

Its not humiliating. Problems with partnerships happen a lot. In older times those problems were pushed under the carpet. In newer ones, you can just leave if  partnership doesnt suit you. And it does seem that it doesn’t. You did knew who you are buying house with. That wouldnt change suddenly and he suddenly wont be an affectionate individual. But you do have an option to leave. You can split home or buy back each other. Or just sell home and split cash. Just because you made a mistake doesnt mean it’s irreparable.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, lucyjo said:

. Having a family and a house was all i ever dreamed of.. said he didn't want to get married again  .have been living there for 6 months. During this time we have both been quite stressed  i am now tied down in a long mortgage and an 8 year loan to my parents. 

Sorry this is happening. Living together and especially trying to blend families and being burdened with financial obligations is quite stressful. 6 months seems like an adjustment period especially since you tried to force fit this because . "Having a family and a house was all i ever dreamed of".

It's regrettable that you bought a house together knowing he never wants to marry and knowing he's not affectionate.

You both seem caught up in domestic drugery and a relationship of economic an domestic convenience.

Please try to restore some romance. Step out of the homeowner routine and plan some fun and date nights and get babysitters and some alone adult time.

Maybe it's too soon and too expensive and disruptive to just throw in the towel, so try some other things first. Please stop begging for affection. 

 

.

[waffle]

You did things in the wrong order.  Marriage first, then house.  You can get out of it though . . . houses are sold all the time.  You can sell yours.

 

[Batya33]

I made my share of relationship mistakes for sure -cringey too!! It happens! I agree with the others though especially since it's not in the best interests of your kids to live in a precarious situation since he doesn't want to marry you and really never did - your kids need more than an unhappy mom living in a situation with a man who is not their father or married to their mother.  So I'd maybe seek advice from a financial counselor at your bank? As to your best financial options.  Throw money at the problem IMO.

[catfeeder]

I'm not clear what you find to be the big surprise, is it that he won't marry you?

Given that you're not happy with him, isn't that a blessing?

Untangling a house purchase will be no picnic, but it's far less expensive than going through the cost of a wedding, only to hire divorce lawyers who would eat any profits from selling the house.

Consider the ages, happiness and stability of your children along with watching the housing market, and create the most peaceful and loving household possible, even while you plan a long range exit strategy to sell the house when appropriate. This could be one year or five or whenever you decide that the best interests of your children would be served.

But the most important thing I would consider is why you believed that you were happy enough with this man to make such a long range decision to share a home with him, only to decide that you can't enliven the same degree of happiness today. He was never affectionate even prior to this choice, so how did you cope with that before moving into this house?

[TeeDee]

Yes you made a mistake buying a house with somebody you are not married to.  

Now here you are. 

Can you open a discussion about your relationship by telling him something that you do like / love about him & your relationship?  Do not lead with the fact that he's nice to your daughter or that you two own a house.  Those facts are not going to make him feel loved, appreciated or sexy which needs to be your goal here.  

Then ask him what he wishes he could change.  He may feel financially stressed or that you are using him as a meal ticket. 

Think about small things you can do to show him more appreciation:  make a favorite meal, offer a sincerely compliment, give him a back rub, write a love note.   After you do that for a bit tell him what you need:  kisses, hand holding, for him to initiate sex etc.  If you can be specific about your needs he is more likely to grant them. 

If all you get is rudeness, it may be time to put the house on the market if neither of you can afford to buy the other out.