Boyfriend watches me struggle

[XT0290]

For context I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We’ve been living together for 4 years. & he’s been mentioning he is going to ask me to marry him soon. He is a very well off man, he has over a million in assets and a couple million to inherited in the near future. I however am broke and and debt.

I normally can manage my financial situation without any issues. I generally pay my bills on time and pay down my debts, but recently work has slowed down. Ive been earning significantly less.

ive been very stressed with my situation and unable to pay my bills. He has noticed how stressed I am, but I haven’t wanted to mention what’s going on because I’m embarrassed. 
Hes kept pressing at me to tell him what is wrong because he thought it had to do with him and I. So I finally told him no, it’s not about you it’s me. I am having money issues and stressed.

he didn’t respond and continued on as if I didn’t mention anything. Even tried to have sex with me within minutes after I told him, but I wasn’t in the mood. I’m stressed. That didn’t seem to bother him, he continued on with his day as normal. 
 

I am very upset and hurt that he didn’t seem concerned about my problems after begging me to tell him what was wrong. Even if he didn’t feel responsible or obligated to help monetarily you’d think he’d offer emotional support by giving advice or offering to help me find a solution.

after all, he does supposedly marry me… Am I wrong for feeling upset that my struggles didn’t faze him at all? I feel so hurt, and feel as though if we are to get married what’s the point? We’re supposed to be a team, we’re obviously not.What should I do? 

[Dancer Candy]

Well, money is always a weird issue, especially if you are not married.  

Well, I've never BEEN married, so I am only speculating about that.  But in normal dating/living together situations, I've never not had financial issues be super awkward to deal with, so what you are describing doesn't sound that strange, even if it is unfortunate

It could be that instead of him not caring, he simply doesn't know how to proceed forward.  Like, he might just have needed some time to think about things, and was bad at communicating that.

How is your communication otherwise?

[Batya33]

He may not know what to say or know what you mean exactly.  Also does he support you financially? Do you pay half of household expenses and rent?

[Jaunty]

I'm generally confused by posts (there are a lot of them) where a woman writes that her bf has "mentioned" proposing, or that he "sees a future" etc.

Don't people who are going to get married and spend their whole lives together both know that they are on this path?  

I'm a little suspicious when it seems to be sort of a card that the man has and that he might or might not play at some undefined point in the future.   "Soon."

The reason this is important in your situation is that, if you are going to marry, you will be making decisions about how to handle your finances.

If you're in financial trouble, it will impact him.  Will he want a prenup?  Will you mingle finances?

How about now?  How are you handling bills?  Is it split 50/50?  Does he pay more because he has / earns more?   Are you renting or do you co-own, or living in a house that one of you owns?  

[XT0290]

I live in his home and I pay half of everything. The reason I brought up marriage, is because I wanted to give more context on where our relationship is at. Yes, I will have to sign a prenup 

[Dancer Candy]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

Don't people who are going to get married and spend their whole lives together both know that they are on this path?  

I really hate to generalize here, but...that's not a given with some men.  Guys are pretty famously bad at communicating, and a lot of them fear change.  They might be committed to someone, and yet still not want to take the marriage step

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

I live in his home and I pay half of everything. The reason I brought up marriage, is because I wanted to give more context on where our relationship is at. Yes, I will have to sign a prenup 

Maybe he is concerned you brought up marriage more for financial motives? Also if you've been living his home all these years why aren't you both openly discussing marriage -a proposal is romantic of course but I mean you're already playing house/living like a married couple.  Why are you passively waiting?

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

I live in his home and I pay half of everything. The reason I brought up marriage, is because I wanted to give more context on where our relationship is at. Yes, I will have to sign a prenup 

Do you pay half of the mortgage?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you bringing up marriage but I do think that the two of you need to be comfortable discussing financial issues if you are planning to make this step. 

Are you living above your means by paying half the bills in a house owned by a wealthy person?  Is it more expensive upkeep than you would / could normally handle?

In many couples where one person earns significantly more than the other, bills are not split 50/50.   Is this something you could discuss?

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, Dancer Candy said:

I really hate to generalize here, but...that's not a given with some men.  Guys are pretty famously bad at communicating, and a lot of them fear change.  They might be committed to someone, and yet still not want to take the marriage step

Definitely.  

My point is more to whether the OP is taking care of herself in this situation.  If he doesn't want to take the step, she should not be waiting / hoping for it.   If he IS really marriage minded here, how they deal with finances is an important part of going forward.  

OP - are you comfortable with the financial arrangement you have now, in general?  I mean when your work is not slow?   

Are you on commission or a contractor of some type where your income fluctuates significantly?

[XT0290]

He has been married before and when we first met 10 years ago he said he didn’t want to get married again. It was a costly divorce. 
& to whoever wondered if my motive to be with him is his money, obviously not if I pay my own way. When I met this man I had no idea what his financial situation was because he doesn’t flaunt his money. He has no debt, not even a mortgage payment. He makes roughly $100k more a year than I do. We both work in the energy industry and depending on the market our hours change and sometimes furloughed. 

About marriage—over the years he has changed his mind about marriage and often brings it up, but obviously we have been in no rush to do it.  Yes, you’d think we’d be talking about our finances together if marriage is the goal. I agree… Clearly we need to do better with communicating. 

[Dancer Candy]

Honestly, I think that's your answer.  Bring it up and talk about it - like marriage and the whole financial situation.  If you are unsatisfied and stressed out, that doesn't do either of you any good, right?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

He has been married before and when we first met 10 years ago he said he didn’t want to get married again. It was a costly divorce. 
& to whoever wondered if my motive to be with him is his money, obviously not if I pay my own way. When I met this man I had no idea what his financial situation was because he doesn’t flaunt his money. He has no debt, not even a mortgage payment. He makes roughly $100k more a year than I do. We both work in the energy industry and depending on the market our hours change and sometimes furloughed. 

About marriage—over the years he has changed his mind about marriage and often brings it up, but obviously we have been in no rush to do it.  Yes, you’d think we’d be talking about our finances together if marriage is the goal. I agree… Clearly we need to do better with communicating. 

I don't think money is your motive.  At all. I wondered if he thought so when you told him about your financial struggles. If you're no in no rush to get married - why do it? Marriage is hard enough without being 100% enthusiastic about it.  IMO.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

I live in his home and I pay half of everything. The reason I brought up marriage, is because I wanted to give more context on where our relationship is at. Yes, I will have to sign a prenup 

If he is this millionaire why are you paying half the bills and struggling. No he's not going to marry you and no you're not a team.

If you are contributing more as far as household chores errands etc. please stop.

  Discontinue all wife life activities because you're not his wife and he is getting the benefits but you're not. 

Ask him for a more equitable and reasonable split as far as the bills. 

[smackie9]

He didn't care? He pressed to find out what was bothering you. In his eyes you didn't make much of a fuss about your situation to him so of course he didn't see too concerned because you didn't really express it. And btw, men have sex to relieve stress...that's why he offered to have sex with you...yes men can be stupid that way.

If you are thinking marriage, you need to communicate properly with your partner in order to make things work right. Straight forward and honest, and don't sit on your tuffet while you hope he offers help...just ask for it! Stop beating around the bush. 

[catfeeder]

Consider asking him to review the household budget and revise each of your contributions to align with a percentage of your earnings as opposed to a 50/50 split. That’s how many couples do it, as it allows for both to have a leftover discretionary income. Factor in your services to the household, such as cleaning, cooking, laundry if applicable.

That’s the practical side. The emotional side can be reserved for learning his response to this suggestion. If he’s not open to this, then yes, you’ve got a problem to address.

[Jaunty]

I don't think money is your motive either.  I do think you should bring up finances. 

Would he be open to changing the expenses ratio from 50/50?  

Also I am still interested in whether you are contributing to the mortgage.   Or household upkeep / repairs etc.  Or when you say "half" are you talking about power, internet, garbage, water,  etc.

[itsallgrand]

It's a very strange situation to put yourself in. I'm going to guess there's no common law where you are living? 

 

[XT0290]

He has no mortgage, no car payment, no debt. I pay him $300 “rent”, half of utility, I pay  cleaning lady,  and  pay all of groceries. I also have all of my own expenses that everyday people have. Car payment, insurance, cell phone, medical bills. I think I could ask him about changing the ratio. My issue when I posted this was more of his lack of concern for my struggles. I appreciate all of you guys who have given your input 

[XT0290]

11 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It's a very strange situation to put yourself in. I'm going to guess there's no common law where you are living? 

 

No common law 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

He has no mortgage, no car payment, no debt. I pay him $300 “rent”, half of utility, I pay  cleaning lady,  and  pay all of groceries. I also have all of my own expenses that everyday people have. Car payment, insurance, cell phone, medical bills. I think I could ask him about changing the ratio. My issue when I posted this was more of his lack of concern for my struggles. I appreciate all of you guys who have given your input 

Why are you paying for a cleaning lady - in total I mean - and  for all groceries ? His home has his equity. I think he’d understand more if you said I’m struggling. I think we need to reevaluate who pays for what. Let’s sit down and figure it out. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, XT0290 said:

He has no mortgage, no car payment, no debt. I pay him $300 “rent”, half of utility, I pay  cleaning lady,  and  pay all of groceries. I also have all of my own expenses that everyday people have. Car payment, insurance, cell phone, medical bills. I think I could ask him about changing the ratio. 

Please stop shopping for him and paying for groceries. Please stop paying his cleaning lady. Please stop making him dinner, doing his laundry or any other free services you're providing.

You have zero security in this situation. Please don't hang on another several years as his flunky hoping he'll propose. Please pay your own expenses first and save some money.

His lack of concern is consistent with his overall selfishness. Especially when he tells you to roll over for sex when you express your valid concerns. 

[Jaunty]

You've put yourself in a bad position,  please try to remedy it.   

He didn't offer to help you when you expressed that you were having financial problems because he is accustomed to you towing the line in the way that you are.   

He is selfish.

[DarkCh0c0]

16 hours ago, XT0290 said:

Am I wrong for feeling upset that my struggles didn’t faze him at all? I feel so hurt, and feel as though if we are to get married what’s the point? We’re supposed to be a team, we’re obviously not.What should I do? 

Nope. Your feelings are valid 100%.

Why he didn't ask how he can help is beyond me. He makes six figures, yet has you paying for almost everything AND giving him "rent" (bonus). That's how this guy is rich! 

Please reconsider if he is partner material. Most men would step up and make sure you've got a good financial arrangement until you're back doing well. They would at least show some empathy! It seems he doesn't have any though.

As Jaunty said, he's selfish. He takes advantage of you and you let him. This is a character thing, and you can't change it.  It's just how he is. It's a deal-breaker for me personally.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Nope. Your feelings are valid 100%.

Why he didn't ask how he can help is beyond me. He makes six figures, yet has you paying for almost everything AND giving him "rent" (bonus). That's how this guy is rich! 

Please reconsider if he is partner material. Most men would step up and make sure you've got a good financial arrangement until you're back doing well. They would at least show some empathy! It seems he doesn't have any though.

As Jaunty said, he's selfish. He takes advantage of you and you let him. This is a character thing, and you can't change it.  It's just how he is. It's a deal-breaker for me personally.

I don't think it has to do with how much money he has.  People with little money, hearing about struggles would try to do something - my son only has birthday money to his name (that he knows of) and gives to charity, wants to give to homeless people he sees regularly on our walks.  I mean this as an example -I know of adults who have little and they do what they can for a friend in financial struggle or distress -obviously it cannot be $$$ but the reflex is - give! Also I don't think he needs to swoop in and wipe out her debt, become sole provider but - obviously he knows she is hurting.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

don't think it has to do with how much money he has.  People with little money, hearing about struggles would try to do something - my son only has birthday money to his name (that he knows of) and gives to charity, wants to give to homeless people he sees regularly on our walks.  I mean this as an example -I know of adults who have little and they do what they can for a friend in financial struggle or distress -obviously it cannot be $$$ but the reflex is - give! Also I don't think he needs to swoop in and wipe out her debt, become sole provider but - obviously he knows she is hurting

Absolutely!

And I've dated men who lived paycheck to paycheck and who stepped up to offer me anything to help when I struggled. And I've done the same to other people. It's just common decency.