Advice needed

[Alii]

Hi, 

I am a 32 year old woman with three children. I met my partner 45, 3 years ago and he has sole custody of his daughter. 

He and his daughter moved in pretty quickly. 

Lately I feel like he hates me. Everything I do or say is not good enough or he argues against it. 

I am a primary school teacher and he is self employed and rarely works. 

I feel like he always puts me down, he says nasty things and some of them I can't let go but I can't talk to him about them as then I am a loon for having feelings he disagrees with. I can never speak about my feelings as it is always my fault or I need to change that why he shows me no love or no care because I'm nuts. 

Lately, he just picks at everything, I never do enough and I always do something wrong. Dinner is never good enough, I never clean the house well enough, I don't work hard enough. I used to be so proud of what I done in the passed, got my degree whilst having three young children, then completed my teacher training. Now I feel like it is not enough and I need something else. 

When he says nasty things about me I ask him why he stays and he just calls me a *** and a fuc**** loon. 

I don't know what to do, I love him but I am sad all the time and its always my fault whatever I do. I think I love too much, I care too much. 

I am lost. I am half the person I used to be and I do not know how to help myself. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alii said:

He and his daughter moved in pretty quickly.  he is self employed and rarely works. When he says nasty things about me I ask him why he stays and he just calls me a *** and a fuc**** loon. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? Is it your house?

Unfortunately you're in an abusive relationship. Please talk to trusted friends and family and domestic violence agencies for information, support, advice and help getting him out of your house. Give him adequate legal notice to vacate then, change the locks, delete the block him and possibly get a restraining order. 

Please take care of yourself and your children and stop subjecting them to this abuse. 

[Andrina]

The right partner builds you up instead of tearing you down.

Do expect when you tell him he'll have to move out that he can go either way. He'll either take his nastiness to a new level, or he will put on an act of kindness to keep a shelter over his and his child's head, which he can't afford on his own. Don't fall for the kindness. He's proven he's no good partner to anyone. If he cared and was decent, he would've criticize and call you names.

Read some articles on how to safely extract yourself from a toxic relationship. Certainly keep a trusted person in the loop of when the breakup will be happening and have some sort of safety plan set up. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Alii said:

I think I love too much, I care too much. 

You don't love yourself enough, though. And that is what is hurting you here most because it's keep you stuck in this toxic mess. 

Once you muster up the strength to look out for yourself more, you will have no problem kicking this abusive man out of your life. 

15 hours ago, Alii said:

Now I feel like it is not enough and I need something else. 

You got that right - you need a better man as a partner. This one is garbage. Please, start making your exit plan. This isn't going to get any better.

[smackie9]

Just come right out and say it..."If I make you so miserable It's time to cut me loose....I'm done."

[catfeeder]

Why would you put up with this and teach your children that this is an acceptable way for adults to behave?

That man would be kicked out of my house so fast, he’d need a GPS to get his bearings.

Show your children the importance of loving yourself and them far more than anyone who would mistreat you in their home.

Head high, and enlist the help of an attorney for legal advice. Contact your local hospital for a referral to a social worker who can set you up with counseling with a support center for domestic violence prevention. Verbal abuse typically escalates into physical abuse, and there are resources available to help you that are not widely known to the public. If you have a mental health counselor at your school, start there.

Some people are best loved from far away.

[ShySoul]

On 4/6/2024 at 11:51 AM, Alii said:

I feel like he always puts me down, he says nasty things and some of them I can't let go but I can't talk to him about them as then I am a loon for having feelings he disagrees with. I can never speak about my feelings as it is always my fault or I need to change that why he shows me no love or no care because I'm nuts. 

I don't know what to do, I love him but I am sad all the time and its always my fault whatever I do. I think I love too much, I care too much. 

I am lost. I am half the person I used to be and I do not know how to help myself. 

Someone who loves you will uplift you, not put you down. They will work with you instead of blaming and attacking you. They will accept responsibility for their actions instead of making it about how you need to change. They will make you feel better, help you find strength to do more instead of making feel lesser, only half a person.

Love should not make you feel sad all the time. It's not your fault for loving or caring. Those are good things. But you do seem to be caring for someone who isn't able or willing to reciprocate. Relationships are a two way street, needing each person to put in the effort. He isn't doing that

"If you love someone, let them go." In this case, love yourself enough to let him go. You deserve to feel whole again and as long as he is there to keep tearing you down, you'll never feel whole.