ok do i call this quits or what???????

[urbangentleman]

For those of you who have been following my posts....u'll understand.

 

Today for the first time in 6 weeks i have cried and lost it.I am angry, confused , hurt, feeling used, worthless, every emotion you can think of.I've even had a panic attack, which i know how to deal with, but i haven't had one in 5 years.....

 

I have not heard from my ex in 4 weeks since today, and i'm wondering has she moved on completely or is waiting for me to call because of guilt or what/

 

I don't know how much more of this i can take....i need answers.

 

Fair enough if we had of had a bad breakup, but it was all very civil and mature and we even spoke on the phone about it for 2 hours 4 weeks ago.

 

I haven't heard a damn thing since then when she left me with " I'm not saying what the future will hold as i don't know, but give me a call in a month or two.

 

Am i just deluding myself hear or what do i do....I'm not sure if NC does anything for me here, when i need to know so i can completely heal, with no what ifs, or buts.

 

 

Please everybody, throw your opinions at me

 

Having a bad day.

 

Urban.

[alphonsefa]

Urban, stay tough my man! Don't contact her, please don't contact her. You are going to make yourself look needy and pathetic, and she will lose respect for you the more you hang around. Let her go! I'm not saying let her go forever, but let her go for now. Let me tell you something. If she really wants you, and really wants to have you in her life, she will make contact with you again. You will not lose her over a mis-understanding, or for the fact of you think she is waiting for you to make the first move. In fact the opposite is true. If you contact her, you're not going to get the response that you want. It's not going to help you move on, it's going to hurt you real bad. Trust me on this one, I speak from much experience. I broke off all contact with my Ex for 3 1/2 months. This girl emphatically told me that she would never call me again. Guess what? She did two days ago. She didn't want me in her life, so I granted her wish. All the time I beat myself up thinking, "wow, I must've not meant anything to her, she won't even pick up the phone to call me". And guess what, that was the exact right thinking. I was okay with that. I looked at this way. If I meant so little to your life, that you can't even make the effort to pick up the phone and call me, then you aren't the person I thought you were, and I definitely don't want someone in my life who doesn't want to be there. She took me for granted Urban, just like your girl is taking you for granted. For you always being there, and excusing her poor behavior towards you, she puts no value on you or the relationship. Sadly people want what they can't have and in her present mind, she can have you whenever she wants. You need to take that away from her, and you do that by controlling your behavior, afterall it's the only thing you ever have control of. Turn your back on her, do not be her friend under any circumstances (if you still hope for a romantic re-connection), and grant her the gift of life without you. Think about the worst that could happen; she never calls you again. Do you really want someone in your life that won't even make the simple effort of calling you on the phone? Don't be her doormat, she willl use you as much as you allow her to. Stay strong!

[urbangentleman]

Thank you both for the replies.Ican see both points of view....but i have got to say alphonsea...you've really just lifted my spirits and made me feel abit mor rational again.And what you say is largely correct i think.

 

You people are amazing.

 

urban.

[simon_uk]

great response alphonsefa, you really just lifted my spirits too!

[Rainz]

Brilliant post from Alphonsefa and I agree totally with your perspective.

 

I think if she really wanted to be with you as well she wouldn't be making vague, non-committal statement like "who knows what the future holds"....please, you can say that about anything and everything in life.....

 

Urbangentleman please, please try and muster whatsoever self-respect and dignity and try your hardest NOT to call her, make contact or do anything pertaining to her, yes it's hard but you have to let her see that you can get on without her.

[The_Doc]

You all assume people are playing games, manipulating etc etc.

 

We are talking about emotions here and half the time we or they don't know what we want. We are confused, hurt, have previous emotional baggage we have never dealt with, all sortf of things.

 

No one break up is the same as the next and no one solution perfect. Yes I do believe NC works -- but it works best when a break-up has been painful, when there has been a betrayal, where the relationship was abusive. Its about healing.

 

In this case she asked him to call in a month or two. He has respected that.

 

Now sure he could stay in NC for 2 months, 3 etc etc and she might never call, in which case you can conclude well she didn't want him.

 

By then he will be over her and moved on anyway.

 

But this wasn't a painful break-up, they didn't fight, scream, shout etc etc.

 

This guy wants to know rather than look back always thinking what if I had called.

 

She asked for time.. he has done that. I think he wants some closure. Where is the harm in making that call when he feels emotionally strong enough to do it, whe he is happy with himself, knows he can move on, maybe even after he has had a date.

 

He doesn't have to barge in with the 'So whats your decision line'. that is needy... but a simple -- 'Hi, how are you doing?' Small talk.

 

Maybe guys, just maybe she really did need time to sort some issues out in her head... you know sometimes its not just a 'line'.

 

Or maybe I am just talking a load of rubbish and garbage??!!

 

Lets ask the crowd and see what they think...

[simon_uk]

Well the way I see it Doc is people say give the dumper time, work on yourself etc etc, then when you feel emotionally strong enough give them a call if they haven't already called you. Well lets say after two months you decide to call because you think you can handle the outcome regardless. Anyway she tells you in no uncertain terms that nothing has changed and she doesnt want to be with you, do you think that it would be easy to just accept that because you are beyond the emotional attachment stage? You see i dont think I would be able to handle that and brush it off. Why? Because if I was beyond the emotional attachment stage then I dont think I would feel the need to call her if she hadn't already called me. thereforeeee I am assuming if after two months I feel the need to call her, then I am not really over her.

 

Confusing stuff!

[danimal77]

Urb, you asked me for my advice yesterday and so I posted on her topic with what I believe to be solid advice, but you went and created a new topic today and have asked the very same questions all over again...

 

We cannot give you the same answer again and again and you should not be asking the same question again and again and create new topic with the same subject matter and expect us to tell you anything different than what we did in your last topic....

 

I gave you the method. It's what works Urb...Listen to those who have been through what you are going through. I and many others on here speak from experience.

 

DO NOTHING FOR NOW. Especially seeing it's your birthday and that's why you are probably more than anxious...Your impatience and NEED to know RIGHT NOW attitude is what will kill any chance you may have with her in the future, IF there will be one at all...

 

Step back and when that desperate feeling subsides, give yourself some more time and then just do it, but it will require an emotional detachment I don't feel you have fully attained yet.

 

My thoughts...

 

Again, good luck.

 

Dan

[urbangentleman]

you are right danimal....just a bad anxious day...but pulled it together now.Appologies, and thanx for the advice.thanks to all.

[danimal77]

It's my pleasure dude.

 

From pain will come pleasure. Believe in yourself Urb...

 

I will not tell you to give up hope entirely and again, there is NOTHING wrong with contacting her in the not so distant future, BUT, NOT in the state that you are in right now.

 

Show restraint and develop a hobby you can dive into. I also recommend you go out and have fun...Date other girls. This will help you in so many ways that you have no idea.

 

Keep in touch with my Urb and I won't guide you in the wrong direction my friend...I won'r discourage you to follow your heart, but it's your head that must be driving the seat first and you are not there yet...

 

Dan

[auburnslp]

ok I'll chime in...

 

Urban, I agree with Danimal...you have to get your head straight first. I think you should eventually call her when you are able to detach and won't get on the phone sounding sad and weak. And I think you should call for two reasons...

 

One, you still care for her. There is always a chance that she is thinking of you and yet is afraid to make the first move. Some girls are like that. Some aren't. But you have to know. And that leads to the second point...

 

Two, no matter the response, you have to know for you. If you call and she has moved on and wants no more from you, well that is closure. Allows you to move on and heal, and stop wondering. She left you hanging a bit brother with that "call me in a month or two" statement. I would hope no one here would fault you for wanting to find out, one way or another, after being left hanging like that.

 

Take whatever time you need to get your head straight, and then make the call. My advice there is to call expecting the worst. Try to not hope too much for the best. It will hurt either way if the answer is not what you want, but if you expect the worst, the fall is less severe.

 

Good luck...and take care of yourself...Michael

[fIIsion]

I can't understand why anyone in a committed relationship would need to break it off and then say call me in a month or 2 to say if I want to get back with you.

 

I can understand perhaps if there are emotional problems that need resolving, but when two people are in a relationship, they are supposed to be there for each other to work through any problem.

 

I don't know the full story and don't want to make any judgements, but it sounds to me like she wants to experiment with single life, see if the grass is greener.

You deserve better than that, personally I wouldn't even make that call, if she wants to get back together with you, let her make that call.

[auburnslp]

I most definitely see your point FIIsion, but I hope you considered mine as well.

 

I agree that it was wrong of her to leave him hanging with that remark about calling. She shouldn't have done that. But she did. And because of that, he will be left wondering "what if I had called her as she asked me to?" He might be able to move on anyway without calling, but in my opinion, gaining that closure, without anything else to wonder about, would mean an easier first step towards healing and truly moving on.

 

Just my opinion, and I have been wrong many times before Michael

[danimal77]

You can't understand how someone in a commited relationship would break it off? Well, it can happen for so many reasons, but the point is, is that it happens and it is NOT done because things are going well. In this case, what he was providing her with was evidently NOT enough and so, she left...

 

People do NOT leave if they feel understood are being emotionally fulfilled.. People will stay away from those who exagerate the issue and create drama and chase and demonstrate their neediness, over-dependence and INSECURITY. The month to two months I believe NOT to be a brush off. Well, in some case it may be, but this is how she felt at the time. She could have felt suffocated and needed her time and space and in a sense, be testing him to see if he could respect her and demonstrate restraint and patience, or if in fact he would come back groveling before that...

 

Love does NOT conquer all. Actions do. Self-respect does and CONFIDENCE does...

 

He doesn't have to call her up to get closure. This I don't agree with, BECAUSE, if he goes in with that attitude, then he goes in with expectations and will be sorely disappointed...He goes in, asking NOTHING and only calling to say hi and NOT to see where he stands, because if he goes into it, to see where he stands, he will stand NOWHERE with her...

 

Go in, expecting nothing, asking nothing of her. Be light, happy and keep it very short.... and then go back in 2 weeks later....This way it won't only be on her terms and it will ease the pressure off of her, as well as demonstrating a significant change in you, without you telling her that you've changed....

 

I have more where this came from...I speak from plenty of experience and I will be doing the same thing shortly as well....

 

Good to us all!!!

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

I did think I was very clear that he needed to clear his head and separate first before calling. And I also think I wrote that if and when he did call that he should not expect to hear what he might want to hear-in fact, that he be well prepared to hear the worst thing that he might want to hear...

 

Danimal, I think our perspectives differ enough though that you would write that he doesn't need to call for closure. Your experience is vastly different from mine, as both of ours is different from his. I offered my advice, you yours. We can disagree with our opinions, but I for one, maybe unlike you, will only offer my perspective, without strong words either way over what he should or should not do. That is for him to ultimately decide. For me, I knew it was over, wanted her back though, tried like hell, and then ultimately, saw she was gone, and wanted closure. Got it. Needed it. I am not one of those folks on here that you mentioned that always say you should just give up. I fought it tooth and nail-did everything I could. Didn't work for me, but it could for others. So I always advocate giving it a shot. But not forever-not when after repeated attempts it is not working. At that point, it's time to let go. And gaining closure is the first step-that's all I was saying.

 

Hope I didn't offend...Michael

[danimal77]

Michael, I was in disagreemnent with FIllusions advice and comments, not yours...He asked a rhetorical question how someone in a commited relationship could leave and tell the person they are leaving to call them in a month to two months..I commented on that, not on what you wrote.

 

Just wanted to clarify here...I fully agree with your thoughts..

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

I have to tell you Danimal, having read all your posts from the time you first came on here, that you have grown tremendously as a man. And that is not because you happen to agree with what I wrote

 

You have come a long way, I've read your recent posts, and almost all are right on and good-I will say that on occasion you seem to get a little defensive when others disagree with you

 

Your ex, or other girls, will notice. Keep up the great work-I for one am very impressed-it's actually amazing-please don't take this the wrong way but a year ago I gave you up for a loss-an arrogant guy who can't see outside the personal box-and one who is easily angered and fires back-no way to live this life. But in a years time you have grown, in huge ways. Funny how that is, huh?

 

Hey sorry to steal this thread to compliment an old friend who helped me way back when-just ignore it and get back to the topic, ok? Michael

[fIIsion]

I understand both of your comments and respect your views, you both seem to have quite a bit of experience with relationships.

 

I suppose I'm still a bit sore from my own experience, my view is a bit old fashioned in that I believe when two people are together, they should both be working together towards a common goal.

 

Never really understood the time and space issues that a lot of couples break-up over, unless they are quite young.

 

I didn't like the call me in a month or two response, it does leave him hanging, wondering, holding onto false hope.

[urbangentleman]

Thank you again to all for your suppoet and emotional intelligence.I am my own worst enemy sometimes.The way i feel at the moment is that i miss her still.And i kind of agree that at some point i will need to make that call.She is by nature a shy person and this is perhaps why she hasnt called me.But i dont want her to know what she has put me through, because it really isnt her fault, it's my reaction to the loss of her.Shre knows how i feel about her, i just would like to have her in my life at somepoint, i mean we are not enemies in any way shape or form , and that bothers me as to why we wouldnt ever see each other again.I have shown her nothing but respect.I didnt think that i had fallen for her , but i have come to realise lately that i am in love with her, so that brings a new set of emotions to me on top of everything else.

 

Not a good day considering it's my b'day today.

 

urbangetleman.

[auburnslp]

Well brother-happy birthday! I know that sounds empty coming from someone you don't even know, but trust that I mean it, and I will tell you this...

 

My first birthday without the ex came and went in October of last year. I hoped she would call, come over, send a card or email, whatever, but nothing came. I spent the day like any other, didn't go out with friends because I had hoped she would make the smallest gesture. She didn't. And at that moment I realized that the emotional energy I was putting into her was not worth the effort...does that make any sense???

 

For you-an awful day, a day in which you have deserved to enjoy. I am sorry for you, I feel what you are feeling. I remember it. But maybe look at what I have just written and try to look on this day as a step-a painful step to be sure, towards getting your life back for yourself-and stop focusing, at least for the time being, on what you don't have at the moment...

 

OK, look at this-you do have the world in front of you. Life is still an adventure to be lived and experienced. Even if you eventually go on without your ex, you have so many adventures to look forward to, even if the thought of them seems empty right now, at this sad moment. Trust me in this. I know exactly how you feel-I have been there and in some small ways am still. But to use a poker analogy-you've got to go all in when talking about the possibilities that life has to offer-take whatever time necessary, do what you have to do to try to get her back or move on, but then go all in, with or without her. Either way, if you maintain that focus, your life will be fun, full, and enriched-trust me.

 

Happy Birthday Brother...I mean that...Michael

[urbangentleman]

Sorry everybody, i dont mean to sound neady, i just feel really down ntoday.It's my b'day and i'm alone, normally this wouldn't bother me, i just reeling and hurting still from missing the the companionship of my ex.I miss her so much, the sparkle in her eyes, the touch of her skin, the smell of her soul, her disarming smile.Forgive me, i'm just having a rant and whoa's me moment.And i really miss the girls as well, little angels.

 

 

It's so hard not being able to call her, because i'm trying to stay strong, for me.She's juat left the door open it seems and i really am not sure what to believe in at this moment.

 

How does someone go from saying i reaally enjoy being with you and ofcourse i want to be with you, you have been so wonderful in so many ways, to ending the relationship a week later.I'm very hurt and confused.I find it so easy to give courage, strenght and advice to others, but cant seem to accept it myself.

 

Your thoughts as always will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks you again everybody, just having a tough day.

[chai714]

Urban,

The safest thing is to assume she's a done deal for now. Don't call her under her set conditions. The human psyche likes being in control, but once you take (at least a little) control away from her, it will cause her to re-evaluate her role in the breakup.

 

Breakups often turn out to be a struggle for power. The one who wants the other person back usually gives up ALL power, because they act on emotion and tell the other person how they feel.

 

Do not think that she's waiting for your call, because she's not. If she wanted to talk to you, she would call. I'm not sure of the details of your breakups, so I'm speaking in general terms. At any rate though, before you can make any attempts at winning her back, you must be over her emotionally. This process can take a few months, to a year or even more depending on the individual. Meanwhile, the best thing is to work on improving yourself right now - for yourself. It will pay off handsomly in the future, although it may be difficult to see right now.

[urbangentleman]

Thanks chai, ... i think i need to go away and give this all some more thought for a while.I dont think that she will call me, because well she is a bit shy and feels guilt and pressure fairly easily at times.It's just not right that we wouldnt talk at all, i mean there have been no bad words between us at all.Thats whats weird to me here.

 

Thank you for your opinion , i will read it again and make some sense of it all along with everybody elses.You may be right about power though.

[Royltnxile]

You can't understand how someone in a commited relationship would break it off? Well, it can happen for so many reasons, but the point is, is that it happens and it is NOT done because things are going well. In this case, what he was providing her with was evidently NOT enough and so, she left...

 

People do NOT leave if they feel understood are being emotionally fulfilled..

Danimal

 

Dan, you should read the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". It's all about the phenomena of commitment phobia and it makes alot sense. In fact, it's scary to read!

 

My point is that people with issues who are conflicted and terrified of commitment usually sabotage their relationships when things are going well...not when they feel unfullfilled or are unhappy. Healthy relationships that have become comfortable and have potential scare them to death so they run. The sad thing is that better the relationship is, often times the faster they run. I think Urban's chick may have some of these issues.