Terrified I've left it too late

[Justarandomdude]

I'm 32 years old and have never a relationship because I've been a shut in for the past 14 years due to some pretty severe anxiety and depression. I'm finally on track to start really living my life and want to date but I've got some pretty big fears about going into it. The biggest fear is just my complete inexperience in everything from relationships to the physical side of stuff, it's genuinely embarrassing whenever I think about it and I feel like I've left it too late and that no one is even going to want to try dating someone like that. I guess my question is that if I do meet someone, should I just lay it all out from the start or hold off a bit until I know them better?

[ShySoul]

https://www.buzzfeed.com/lizmrichardson/never-dated-always-single-relationship-stories

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/people-never-been-in-relationship-share-what-its-like_l_619d80a0e4b0f398af0c119e

Not having dated or been in a relationship is more common then most would probably think. You aren't alone in it. There are people much older then you experiencing the same fears and insecurities. 

There doesn't have to be anything wrong with that. There is no set timeframe to have a relationship. It's never to late. You could find love at anytime. You could be 18 or you could be 81 before finding true love. What matters isn't the when, it matters the who and how it makes you feel. When it's the right person, they won't care what your prior history is. They will simply love you for you, the person you are inside.

Honesty is the best policy. If you do meet someone, don't try to pretend or be somethng you are not. You don't have to blurt out everything immediately, let them know when you are comfortable. But be honest about it. You'll probably be showing signs anyway, so just get it out there when you are ready. And if they are worth the time, they'll be patient and do what they can to make you feel at ease in a new situation. 

Also, don't look at it as inexperience. Look at it as you still having the chance to explore all these things with fresh eyes and enthusiasm. Sometimes more experienced people can lose sight of just how magicaI somethng like your first kiss is. You still get to experience so many of these moments. And when you do, you'll be just fine. You'll put your heart into it. You'll savour it that much more, appreciate it a little extra, because you've waited for it for so long.

[Batya33]

I'd want to know if you're going to be dating women around your age.  It is much later than average for sure and for women who want an LTR better to share it -in a simple, factual way - obviously there are exceptions but to me "finding love" is not the same as wanting to date with potential for a serious relationship.  The first is more romance/fantasy about love - as opposed to the rest of it - the actual relationship and day to day life with someone. You want the rest of it which includes love and isn't about finding a feeling -it's about finding the right match.  Big difference.  My husband was a relatively late bloomer and I wasn't and the difference was obvious.  It was good for me to know early on he had a lot less experience than me.

 

I'm sorry for your past struggles.  I recommend meeting through shared activities -for example a sport or swing or salsa dance lessons or volunteering back stage at community theater.

[TeeDee]

You have to start somewhere.  If you don't try now all that will happen is that you will be 33 with no love life.  

My husband is a combat veteran with certain PTSD issues.  His therapist has him doing exercises where he has to be exposed to things that make him uncomfortable.  He doesn't like crowds.  He recently accompanied me to an indoor flea market / bazaar.   The idea is the more you do the scary thing but nothing bad happens, the easier it will be to keep doing that. 

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, Justarandomdude said:

no one is even going to want to try dating someone like that. I guess my question is that if I do meet someone, should I just lay it all out from the start or hold off a bit until I know them better?

Stop with the reel of negative thoughts, to begin with. Those negative thoughts will show in your expression. Not very inviting.

If you don't have platonic friendships, I'd actually begin that goal first, as no woman wants to be the sole social outlet for you. Engage in a new hobby as well, if you don't already have one, since you want to build a fulfilling life besides dating which will be beneficial in many ways. One included is that you'll be more resilient if a break up happens. Most have to have many relationships under their belts before finding a keeper.

I think dance lessons is a great idea to get you used to the normal touching that takes place with a dance partner, and also will have you interacting with women, which you need practice in.

When explaining to a woman why you haven't previously dated, don't do it with shame and keep it brief, speaking with conviction, such as: I needed to learn skills and get the right treatment for XYZ before feeling ready to date.

Never to late to achieve any of your goals, including romance, education, changing careers. I suggest reading some books on how to improve your self-talk. It needs improvement. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

My brother in law didn't start dating until he was in his mid 30-s. He is now married to a lovely lady and they have three sons. They are very happy. 

Oh, and he met his wife online, through a gaming platform discussion group.