Should I try to have him back in my life?

[MissCanuck]

The truth is that you don't really know him very well. He was on holiday and you spent a grand total of 5 days together. That was going to be a fun time for sure, but it's not exactly reality either. 

You have messaged a lot but you don't know what he's like in person in his daily life. He might be lovely or maybe a complete twit. My point is that you likely built him up to be an amazing catch when you actually don't know him on a deep level. 

5 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

probably now I know him better than his friends and family.

Sweet nothings, my girl. You two were practically strangers. Either he has very strange and cold relationships with everyone else, or he was blowing a bit of smoke up your backside to flatter you. 

I would keep him in my "Vacation Fling" memory file, and keep moving. It's just not a good idea to open yourself back up to something that doesn't really have a future. 

[Betterwithout]

Such a toughie.  Nobody sets out to find love with others that live far away, but it happens it's an undeniable feeling...especially with the hormonal mix, butterflies and massive sparks, it starts your brain and emotions reeling. 
True romantics will say "make it happen" as it's fate meeting your loved one, but personaly I am too practical and realistic. 
I fell in love with someone 2 hours drive away, and didn't fight to make it work. lol
Good luck whatever you choose. 
 

[Anita424674]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Sweet nothings, my girl. You two were practically strangers. Either he has very strange and cold relationships with everyone else, or he was blowing a bit of smoke up your backside to flatter you. 

I would keep him in my "Vacation Fling" memory file, and keep moving. It's just not a good idea to open yourself back up to something that doesn't really have a future. 

He actually does have very cold relationships with other people that’s why I feel kinda guilty to dump him this way and give ultimatums because I know he has no many people to talk with. Anyways I think you right, we both had this perfect idea of each other but I was really curious to know him better, but Vacation Fling file I like it:) do you think in our case it’s impossible to be friends or I’m just kidding myself? It’s just I relocated to a new city 2 years ago and I although I’m surrounded with people and I have sone friends here, but I find it difficult to find right now people to have the same deep talks I did have with him daily 

[Anita424674]

23 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Such a toughie.  Nobody sets out to find love with others that live far away, but it happens it's an undeniable feeling...especially with the hormonal mix, butterflies and massive sparks, it starts your brain and emotions reeling. 
True romantics will say "make it happen" as it's fate meeting your loved one, but personaly I am too practical and realistic. 
I fell in love with someone 2 hours drive away, and didn't fight to make it work. lol
Good luck whatever you choose. 
 

Thanks for response:) yeap that’s a thing I mentioned in previous comment - I try to figure out if it’s even possible to be friends and talk to each other or it will just keep me away from reality and not moving forward 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

 I got sick of it because I felt anxious and insecure about what is going on, I physically started to feel bad and told him not to contact me anymore if he is not planning to move to my city

This is your instincts and common sense finally surfacing. Cyber relationships are lonely, isolating and frustrating.  I think you knew this ultimatum was so outrageous that he would just end it and you would be free. 

It's wonderful you finally let go of this prison.  It's better than assuming you only like unavailable men or that your story will end like a romcom with a one in a million chance of two lovers from the ends of the earth living happily ever after. 

Please give yourself more credit for common sense. Yes,he occupied some time and space for a while when you were in a dark lonely place, and you may miss that.  But now you are free to find actual real life happiness. 

[boltnrun]

What sounds better to you; hugging, holding hands, sharing a plate of food, snuggling under a blanket while watching a movie, walking together under an umbrella on a rainy day...or typing and reading words on a tiny screen?

[Anita424674]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What sounds better to you; hugging, holding hands, sharing a plate of food, snuggling under a blanket while watching a movie, walking together under an umbrella on a rainy day...or typing and reading words on a tiny screen?

good point 😊

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Anita424674 said:

He actually does have very cold relationships with other people that’s why I feel kinda guilty to dump him this way and give ultimatums because I know he has no many people to talk with. Anyways I think you right, we both had this perfect idea of each other but I was really curious to know him better, but Vacation Fling file I like it:) do you think in our case it’s impossible to be friends or I’m just kidding myself? It’s just I relocated to a new city 2 years ago and I although I’m surrounded with people and I have sone friends here, but I find it difficult to find right now people to have the same deep talks I did have with him daily 

First, to address your ultimatum. Yes, that was wrong. Early on you should've just said, "Let's discuss the logistics of this and if we share the same dating/relationship goals. Can I ask how you foresee this playing out?" And then if it couldn't happen either because he couldn't afford it or just chose not to make the effort of getting together enough to establish compatability etc., then you could've just cut off communication at that time. No ultimatums needed. 

Anyway, he's clearly not relationship material as far as you're concerned, so live and learn.

For your comment about friends, you're being unrealistic that you can act like a new friend be instantly turn into someone you have a long history with whereas these deep discussions can happen. The fact that that long distant guy had all that time on his hands for you is a red flag in itself. He should be out living a fulfilling life instead of holed up and engaging in a cyber fantasy.

You're just going to have to be patient and build your friendships at a normal pace. Speeding stuff up will scare people away. If you want to let out your deep feelings, journal for now. Do not reenter your cyber stuff with that guy, even if it's for friendship. Taking what you believe is the quicker and easier way out in fulfilling your needs is a faulty belief. It's already bitten you in the butt. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What sounds better to you; hugging, holding hands, sharing a plate of food, snuggling under a blanket while watching a movie, walking together under an umbrella on a rainy day...or typing and reading words on a tiny screen?

I think for some people, it's not just typing and reading words on a screen, but rather it's the fantasizing, the dreaming (as Anita herself admitted) that gets people hooked.

There are so many theories behind this, but there are many people who actually prefer online interactions/situationships to real life for just this reason.  They're fantasy-driven versus reality-driven.

Real life relationships cause such people too much anxiety, it's a genuine fear so they'd rather sit at home typing on a screen fantasizing and dreaming about "one day" having a RL with this person, when the reality is IF that were to ever happen, they'd be off and running to their next online fantasy.

Anita, can you relate to this at all?

There was a time around 7-8 years ago when this happened to me so I can relate.  It was right after a devastating breakup of a 6-year relationship, I KNEW I was not ready for another relationship, and when I met a man online and he ticked all the right boxes, I fell into never-never land with him, I felt a genuine connection with him.

It faded out eventually however I still remember him, and believe it or not I remember nearly every conversation we ever had,  I'm telling ya these online connections can be intoxicating!

 

 

[Batya33]

And on't mistake Deep Talks with a near stranger who has depression with the sort of connection on which potentially long term serious relationships are built.  Often apples and oranges especially if long distance.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm thinking a few things about this. Let's say if we thinking about if "the one" or our "soulmate (s)" exist. There are billions of people in this world so "the one" or at least "a one" can be anywhere. So I wouldn't just straight away dismiss or assume it's not real just because you didn't know the person long or they're from another country. Maybe you're not in love because real love takes time. But I think you can still know that you had a click or connection. I don't think it's totally just fantasy because sometimes people do just say they  "got on like a house on fire". You don't necessarily need to know someone for years to know you click because it's a feeling of natural click.

Having said that....If you actually want to make something out of that connection, you or him would need to go to each other's country. And obviously with costs you couldn't do it often probably but at least you'd have to do it sometimes. After five months of talking did you talk about any plans that he can come back to your country or you go to him? Five months is a long time and I totally understand why you began to get really anxious. You were giving a lot of time and emotions to this guy but without a plan of actually seeing each other, yeah you had no idea what can happen. It would be very stressful.

A few years ago I was dating this guy who is polyamorous but I'm not so I ended it. I don't really understand the poly mindset myself but what he was saying was that you can have different types of relationships. For example some people he dated in person or some people lived in another state and he'd just see them when they come to our city. His ex wife was also poly and she knew some people from America from an online video game. I think a couple of those guys from America came to Australia and stayed in their granny flat and pursued something romantic with his ex-wife. Then they just went back to America. So I guess what he was saying is that different relationships exist and some relationships only exist in a certain way. E.g. Someone from another country visits you once or twice a year.

My best friend also had an FWB and he moved interstate but if he was in our city she'd see him. But I think what's important to maintain this type of relationship is that you have to be truly OK with it deep down. Like, while you don't see that person that you are not jealous or paranoid about what they're doing. Like, are they meeting other people and they're going to fall in love with someone else.

If you can't do this type of relationship then there is nothing wrong with that. You know yourself best and if it hurts you then it's just not for you.

If you do want that guy in your life though then sure you can tell him how you feel. But then you either need to go to him and see if it can be anything, or you need to accept it limited relationship and be fine with it. You can't get upset at him that he's not coming to your country or if he meets other girls.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

I’m here trying to figure out was it me being too much or he has no interest.

The whole thing was too much of a time suck of your focus. It was hours per day of phone fantasy, which took you away from investing that energy into the real world with real-life people with whom you could interact and build memories and new relationships. Compare this to someone who spends as many hours a day on video games. It might be a fun way to waste time, but it squelches your capacity to develop socially.

Of course nobody could live up to what you had with this guy--nobody can compete with a fantasy. While day to day pressures tend to temper a new couple's love-bubble, this is the 'real' stuff of getting to know a person and how they roll. In this case you were both playing a role that has run its course. Very smart of you to let him go.

BTW--Congrats! on your new job.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

He actually does have very cold relationships with other people

You don't know this. This is what he told you. It doesn't mean it's true. 

And even if he did have distant relationships with others? There is no way a woman he knew 5 days knows him better than people who have been around him his whole life. I'm sorry but that's simply not possible. 

8 hours ago, Anita424674 said:

do you think in our case it’s impossible to be friends

It's not a good idea. You will get hurt when the day comes that he tells you he is dating someone, and fades away from you.